Self Love

Loved Into Loving

When I first stepped on this path I hated myself. I didn’t even know if I was worth saving, or that I could change the way I felt about myself. I had lived so long as a liar and had done so many things to harm myself, I was so ashamed of the place I had taken my life that I wasn’t sure there was a way back from that. I was lucky enough to have had a friend who had come back from a very similar place and he found his way back, and not even back really, he found a new place, and he found self-love. He was the one I reached out to at my lowest low, when my head was telling me that the only way out was to die, I was blessed with enough fight in me to pick up the phone, instead of something else, and ask for help. Walking on this new path was scary, I felt exposed and fragile, and I was. It was the first time in my life that I was truly being honest, with myself, and those around me, that was scary, especially for someone who hated herself. The thought of having to let out my deepest darkest secrets and somehow find love for myself in the process seemed like an impossible task, but I was blessed with an incredible group of people around me who supported me, and, loved me into loving.

I didn’t really understand what they meant when someone would say to me that they would love me until I could love myself. At first, it just seemed like a line someone would say to make themselves look and sound better. I mean, I hated myself, and I have the most to gain by finding self-love, so how could someone else love me when I didn’t? Then I also thought, well, if you do love me it’s because you don’t know me yet, once I tell you who I really am, that will change, and that love will go away. But it didn’t. In fact it got stronger. The more open and honest I was able to be with these incredible people, and myself, the more they loved me, so much so that I could feel it each time I let my guard down a little more, and little by little, through their love, I began to love myself. It was easier to see love through their eyes, to see how much they cheered for every one of my victories, to see how they were there on those difficult days, and to encourage me to keep going and discover my true self. I certainly had doubt along the way, but it helped on those days to have their support and love to remind me that I was worth fighting for.

Before starting this journey I didn’t tell people I loved them openly, it was very rare. It’s not that I didn’t love the people in my life, I did, but because I didn’t feel it for myself I was hesitant to say it to others because I felt like it was mostly just words. When you tell someone you love them it comes from that place of love in yourself, like your love is shared with them, or your love recognizes the love in them and acknowledges it, so when I only felt hate towards myself it felt false to say that I loved someone else. As I began to feel love for myself through the love of others, and through doing the work I need to do to forgive, accept myself and let go of the past, that love I was now feeling for myself spilled out to the people in my life, and it certainly spilled out to the people who loved me into loving.

Love is the most powerful vibration in the universe. When we tap into it, whether ourselves, or through others, miracles happen. I’ve often said to SLAYERS who are having a bad day of self-doubt and self-hatred, that I love them, and if they respond in a way that tells me they don’t, I tell them again that I love them anyway, and I’m happy to love them for them until they can find the love for themselves. You have to let the love in to let it grow inside of you. We are all worthy of love, and we all have the ability to love ourselves, if we just let that love in. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you love yourself? If yes, why? If not, why not? What stops you from loving yourself? Why do you think you’re unlovable? Are these reasons valid today or stories from your past, or someone else’s opinion who may be struggling with love? What are three ways you can show yourself love today? How can you share that love with others? When someone tells you they love you, do you believe them? If not, why not? Do you tell people you love them? If you do, are you lying? You’re not SLAYER. Find your way into self-love, whether through the love of others, or by showing someone you care about the love you have to share. Sending out or receiving love gets you into loving, yourself, and those around you. I love you.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! When we’re able to quiet our mind it allows our soul to speak.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Soul

Shapeshifter

When I was very ill, it was obvious what needed to change in my life for me to get better, and once I removed that from my life my disease started to reach for other things that I could use to try to fill the void I felt inside, to soothe me or to try to quiet my mind. It was so seamless at times I didn’t even realize I was doing it, and it sometimes worked it’s way in as things that wouldn’t necessarily raise a red flag at first, sugar, caffeine, shopping, overeating, not eating enough, exercise, even gum chewing, the behaviors or habits would start and because I was so focused on the removal of something else that brought me to my knees, I wasn’t looking at these others things. Mental illness is very cunning, it will disguise itself as anything it needs to to survive. It watches and listens as you get better, and tries to find the work-around, and, if we let our guards down, it succeeds. I’ve seen it at work in my own life, and it has almost succeeded, and, I’ve seen it succeed in others’ lives, and take lives. It shows no mercy. It doesn’t care who you are, where you’ve come from, that you may be a loving talented person, it wants what it wants, and mine wants me dead.

The trick for me is stay on top of things. To not let old habits slide, and to stay accountable for my actions. I have an incredible network of people in my life who I stay honest with, and when I notice something flare up or that I may be falling back I call myself out, that way I now have to take action, and there is going to be a person, or people, there to check in on me.

Before stepping on this path I kept anything I thought was bad to myself. I never shared anything with anyone except the good stuff, and even then I was a little hesitant because I was concerned I would jinx it, or that the person I was sharing it with wouldn’t like me anymore. This was the insanity of my head. So when I made the commitment to get well I had to out myself on everything. No more secrets. And damn it felt so good. After a lifetime of putting on an act or showing you only what I thought you wanted to see, it felt so good to just be myself, the good, the bad and the ugly, especially the ugly, to just let it all out. The reaction I got was incredible, so much support, but that’s not why I did it, I did it because it was imperative for my survival, and my recovery, but the support and love helped quiet down my disease that used to tell me that no one cared, they did care, and always had, but I hadn’t let them.

Being open and honest about who we are and what we struggle with sheds light on our disease, or illness. When we are open and honest we let the light in and those damaging habits or behaviors can’t hide in the shadows like they once could. We have to stay vigilant about our own recovery and health, mind, body and spirit, because when we’re looking the other way what we think we’re battling can shapeshift into something else that we think is harmless, and that’s when it can do the most harm. When you notice something coming up more frequently in your life, take notice of it, it could be a sign that something is running amok in your life while you’re attention is elsewhere. As much as we think we can outsmart it, it knows what we know and the moment we let our guard down, or have a moment of doubt, it takes that opportunity to slide in and lay some roots. The key to our best selves, and healthy selves, is to be open and honest about who we are and where we are, to remove those things from our lives that take us down an undesirable path, and that harm our spirit. Watch out for the shapeshifter in your life, and identify it for what it really is, that is the only way to reduce it’s power and to take yours back. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you notice your disease, mental illness, or struggles shapeshift in your life? How so? How have you caught it? How have you quashed it? How has it gotten the best of you at times? How can you stay on top of things and keep it from shapeshifting? Typically when things shapeshift in our lives it’s because we’re taking something bigger on and our disease feels threatened, or we’re not being honest about who we are and what we’re struggling with, truth will stop it in it’s tracks, it has nowhere to hide in our truth, so let your light shine in all the shadow places it likes to hide and share your truth with those around you, once you get to the source of your struggles you have the ultimate weapon at your disposal, and no amount of shapeshifting can survive that.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Would Little You Be Proud Of You Today

When I was little girl I used to dream about what I thought my life would be like. Now, it was things that I thought were what I should be dreaming about, and back then, that little ol’ me, didn’t know that what would make me most proud had nothing to do with “things,” but the person I could become and the ways I could share that with others. As I got older I started to feel disappointed in myself, in my eyes, I could never do things good enough or how I had imagined them in my head, I always fell short, and as I continued into adolescence, that disappointment turned to hate. I hated myself and started a very long journey of pretending to be who you wanted me to be, or who I thought you wanted me to be, to hide who I really was. I thought, if you knew the real me, you would hate me as much as I did, and as much as I would have told you back then that I didn’t care, I did care, because it was one thing for me to hate myself, but if you all did too, I didn’t think I could survive that. As a result, most of my actions were a result of the fear of that, and most of my actions abused that little girl full of dreams inside of me.

It wasn’t until I made a commitment to get better, many years later, that I started to think about that little me, and recognized that she was still in there and I had done a horrible job protecting and loving her. She was really beat up, that girl, and feeling small, and so part of my job in getting well was to show her the love I had neglected to give her most of my life, and to protect her, show her it was safe, and show her that I was not only able to love her, but love myself. It helped, on those difficult days, to think of her, that little me, sitting alone feeling vulnerable, I could see her there, so when I was battling those negative voices in my head that told me I wasn’t worth fighting for, I would say, maybe not, but she is and I’m going to fight for her.

As I got better she was less shy about coming out, she learned to trust me and when I would celebrate a milestone or overcome something that used to defeat me, she was always there to celebrate and cheer me on. And as I got more confident so did she, until we started working together and learning to love who we were. There are times on this journey that I have let her down, even hurt her, but the work I’ve done allows me to go back and find her and make things right.

My life has changed a lot over the past six months. I have a lot things in my life that I wasn’t sure I would ever have. Things that you can’t buy or easily find just because you want them because they come when you’re ready for them, when you are able to share your best self and honor who you are. I was reflecting on all the good in my life today and I thought about the little me inside of myself, and tears came to my eyes as I saw her smile and felt that she was proud of me, that this was the place she used to imagine and hope for, not only in terms of where I find myself in my life, but where I find myself, in place of self-love and acceptance. It’s been a long rocky road to get to this place, and I know, no matter where the journey goes from here, that if who I am and what I’m doing doesn’t make that little me proud, then I’m on the wrong path. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you think about the little you that’s inside of yourself? When you think of that person, what do you feel? Do you think that little you is proud of you today? If yes, why? If not, why? If you don’t think they are, what can you do to make them proud? To show them love? To let them know they’re safe? When you were that little person, what did you hope for for the future? Have those hopes and dreams materialized? If not, how can you work to get those things into your life? Find some time to check in with your little self and see if there is something you can do to make them proud today.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of you react to it.

SLAY on!

State Of Slay Reaction

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Celebrate who you are and what you’ve been through, it’s prepared you for where you are right now…and, what’s to come.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Celebrate

Yay! Congratulate Yourself, Especially For The Tough Sh*t

We recently got a puppy and are in the throes of house-training. We’ve had some hits, and some misses. A lot of misses. So when we get a hit, there’s a lot of celebration in the house. There’s always an immediate YAY and a lot of congratulations, and those celebrations aren’t just reserved for the wins at home, they can happen anywhere, and do. We laugh sometimes because, now, without even thinking about it, when our puppy does something good, we burst into yays, no matter where we are. And not only does she get excited, but it makes us laugh as well. It got me thinking today, in mid-yay, that we should cheer ourselves on just as much, maybe even throw out a verbal YAY when we do something great or something new. We all deserve some yays in our lives and some celebration.

Before walking this path, there very few yays in my life. What there was a lot of was negative self-talk. I was constantly telling myself I was stupid or had done something wrong, or even if something went well, I told myself I should have done it better. Nothing was ever good enough, and as a result I dug myself deeper and deeper into a depression. I didn’t feel worthy of praise. I was ashamed at how I was living my life, the things I was doing and if someone did praise me for something I thought they were lying, or they wanted something from me, I never trusted it, but I also didn’t trust myself.  I never gave myself any leeway to learn and grow, I expected myself to get it perfect right way, and when I didn’t, that kicked up right away which kept me in the dark.

The key to getting myself out of that cycle was learning self-love. A tall order at the start, but essential for my recovery, and, my survival. That negative self-talk had gotten so strong it was the only voice I was listening to, and I believed it when it said that I was never going to be good enough and everyone would be better off without me here. Learning that I was enough, that we all are works in progress, and that we learn the most from the things that don’t do our way, or, let me say it, failures, but, really, they’re not really failures because that’s where the most growth happens. In fact, in those failed attempts lies the most yays, in fact, walking through those failures and learning from them should be the loudest yays, and maybe even a little dance or hand clap. It’s most important to congratulate ourselves especially in the sh*t, we should make a point of it, in fact, I challenge you, next time, during one of those times to stand up and let out a loud YAY, because even though it may not feel like a victory in that moment, it truly is, and you’ll know why on the other side of it, so why not get the celebration started early?

We walk through a lot in our lives, and we’ve all been through some really tough things, but how often do you congratulate yourself for walking through those, and, making better choices today as a result? You may just owe yourself some yays for that. As I watch my puppy grow and learn, I realize that we are all still doing the same, we may be further along the path as someone just starting their life, but life is always teaching us new things, if we let it, so congratulate yourself as you learn each new thing. SL-YAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you celebrate who you are and what you’ve accomplished? If not, why not? What stops you? Write down an example of something you walked through that was difficult. Do you appreciate yourself for getting through that? Do you see how you learned from that experience? Do you see that perhaps you were meant to go through it to take away some valuable lessons and information? What did you take away from that experience that you use in your life today? When something goes well, or you accomplish a goal or project, do you congratulate yourself? If not, why not? If yes, how do you celebrate? Celebrate yourself everyday SLAYER, even just for getting out of bed today, hey, that’s an accomplishment in itself, and then, find as many yays in day as you can, maybe even say them out loud for some extra self-love.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Let no one discourage you. You don’t need a fan club to achieve your goals. Be your own motivation.

SLAY on!

State Of Slay Ships

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Too many of us are not living our dreams because we’re living our fears.

New blog goes up Tuesday,  until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Fear Inflicted

Fear Of Success

I’ve talked a lot about fear, and how fear ruled my life before stepping on this path. Fear can take many forms, and it can be quite cunning in disguising itself as others things, it can also pop up and get in the way of our success. Fear of success as another type of fear I also experienced.

I always had dreams, hopes, and goals I worked toward, and, even in my disease I accomplished a lot, but I did suffer from fear in regards to those successes. That fear came up for a number of reasons. I feared and believed I didn’t really deserve success, that I wasn’t good enough and that if I succeeded it would be short-lived because I would be found out as a fraud. I feared that if I found success that others would not like me and I would lose friends or feel ostracized. I feared that if I found success that others might feel that I was showing off, and if I celebrated that success, bragging about what I had accomplished. And I feared that if I found success that I still wouldn’t be happy. That’s a lot of fear trying to derail the things I wanted and worked for in my life. Looking at that all in print, it’s amazing I found any success at all, and when I did I would mostly downplay it as a fluke, or luck, which, of course wasn’t the case, I was working hard for those successes, but because of all the fear I was carrying around I was also afraid to give myself credit.

Fear of success can form from many sources. Some of us may have been told we can’t accomplish those things we want, we may have failed and were embarrassed by not accomplishing our goal, or we may not want to be more successful than those around us. We let outside forces rob us of success, and we let our own internal voice rob us of success. We are all meant to succeed. We are here to grow, learn, and find success in whatever given area we excel at, or find interest in. We are all worthy of success, not only for ourselves, but for everyone else we may touch by our success, or what that success may offer us and those around us. In a sense, it is our duty to succeed, because it’s not just about us, it’s about how we contribute to society as a whole, and our success just might inspire someone else to go out and find theirs. And what if we fail? So what if we fail. All of the most successful people, in any given field, have failed, and many, found their greatest success in those failures, so you have to trust the process and not doubt who you and what you have to offer. What you choose to focus on, what you are looking to succeed in is not an accident, you are destined to aspire to it, so to sabotage your own success because of your fear means you’re are not reaching your destiny, or your full potential, you are telling the universe, God, whatever, or whomever, you believe in, that they are wrong by not succeeding and by denying your talents.

Fear of success can be an invisible enemy, because while we are building something with one hand we may also be tearing it down with the other hand and not even realizing we’re doing it. It’s about believing that we can and will succeed, that we need to do our part for humanity, to contribute what we can give back by our success. Our success isn’t just about us, it fits into the bigger picture, and so when you may think that you don’t deserve success, you not only take that away from yourself, but everyone who may have benefited by accomplishment. Get to work SLAYER, you are destined for success. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you feel that you are worthy of success? If not, why not? If you do, why do you feel you are? Write down an example of a time you got in the way of your own success. Write down a time when you did succeed. How did that success make you feel? How, also, did your success affect others? What good came from that success? What good came to others from your success? It’s up to you to believe you deserve to succeed, and to not get in your own way of that success. You are not your past, you are working and moving forward to succeed and to be exactly were you are meant to be, successfully.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you