Good morning SLAYER! You are worth finding, worth knowing, worth loving. You, and all your million layers.
New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!
recovery
When You Ask For Help You’re Helping
Before walking this path I never wanted to ask for help. I thought asking for help made me look weak, like I didn’t know how to take care of things on my own or by asking I was going to risk ruining that perfect facade I had spent my whole life presenting to the world, so I would try to figure thing out on my own, and for the most part, I was pretty good at it, but I was also sliding some big ongoing problems under the rug that I couldn’t find a solution to, or, didn’t want to. Now those problems I swept away, or hid, never went away, I just couldn’t see them for a while, until they surfaced once again, and when they did resurface, they were usually bigger than they were before, it was like they were lifting weights in the shadows and would come back with even more muscle power.
Now looking back it seems ridiculous to think things would just go away on their own if I pushed them away or didn’t want to see them, it’s very rare that anything will. But I was operating with a kind of magical thinking most of the time and would believe, or want to believe, that I could just make things disappear because I wanted them to, something about as logical as trying to talk yourself out of the stomach flu, talking isn’t going to get you well. It wasn’t until all of that pretending and magical thinking wore off and I was left standing in the stark reality of my existence that I finally reached out for help. I had to let go of that beautiful facade I had designed and hid behind and I had to get real and get honest. It was scary, but it felt good to no longer carry the weight of what I had been dragging behind my whole life and start to let it go, and to realize that the key to my recovery was going to be my honesty and my ability to ask for help.
It was difficult for me at first. To ask for help. My head would tell me that I was bothering the other person, that they had their own problems and didn’t have time for mine, or that they might think badly of me knowing the truth of who I was. None of that was true. In fact, me asking for help had the opposite effect. It opened many doors to new friendships, it deepened relationships I already had and by asking for help I was getting different suggestions and ideas that I hadn’t thought of on my own. I also realized that many times, my asking for help may also be helping the person I had asked. It had never occurred to me that me needing help could do anything for anyone else, but it did. I often say here at State Of Slay, that everything happens for a reason, so when we reach out to someone in need of help there’s a reason we’re drawn to reach out to the person or people we do, they might also need to hear what we have to say, or what they say to us.
Having practiced asking for help for many years now, and, being on the receiving end of people asking me for help, I know that I have been helped by their need for help, or by what I’ve said to them as a suggested solution. It has become very evident to me how someone reaching out to me with a problem, can help me just as much, and now when I reach out for help, I remind myself that I may helping the person I reach out to just as much as I will be helped. SLAY on!
SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you typically keep things inside, or do you ask for help when you need it? What stops you from asking for help? Have you had bad experiences in the past? Or, are you listening to a story your head tells you that may not be true? What can you do to change that story? Are you asking the right people for help, or are you asking people who will give you the response you are looking for to continue telling your negative narrative? How do you feel when someone asks you for help? Have you been helped, or been given some insight, when you’ve been asked for help? Remember SLAYER, asking for help is never a one way street, there may be reasons, beyond what we could know, why you are asking help from who you are. Never shy away from asking for help when you need it, you’re not only helping yourself, but you may just be helping someone else who may not know they’re also in need of some help that day.
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you
Slay Say
Good morning SLAYER! Focus on creating the story you want to be in, not the one you’re still angry about from your past.
New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!
Slay Say
Good morning SLAYER! You are strong when you know your weaknesses.
New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!
Our Weaknesses Are Often An Overuse Of Our Strengths
We typically are quick to point out our weaknesses, whether to others, or within ourselves. We can often fixate on those perceived weaknesses giving them more weight than our strengths and positive attributes. But often, those “weaknesses” are our strengths, we may just be overusing them.
When I look back to my life before walking this path, I often fixated on things to the point of obsession. Those things I obsessed about easily turned into dysfunction or behaviors that could easily become harmful. But when I started to get well I was asked to write down all the things I perceived as wrong, or the things I thought made me weak, now, I would have never described myself as weak, and still wouldn’t, but I certainly thought I had weaknesses and shortcomings. One of the things that was first on my list was my stubbornness.
I knew my stubbornness had been my downfall many times in the past, and, had kept me sick to the point of almost no return. My stubbornness along with my pride and ego, had to be redirected if I was going to get well. I thought to myself, if I could use my stubbornness for bad I can certainly turn that around and use it for good. I worked on using that same stubbornness to fight for my life and my health, and I reserved my pride for the milestones I reached in my recovery, the ego, well, that had to be sidelined, as it always seemed to get in the way of my best self and making the next right decision, but I learned to let go and trust the path I was on, and learned to sprinkle my stubbornness and pride with some humility to keep them right-sized as I set out on my path of well-being. There were other lessons I learned along the way, my impatience with myself was an overuse of my drive and ambition, both attributes could be strengths, and are in my life today, but an overuse of them leads me to be short of temper and impatient with those I see as standing in my way or slowing me down. I still struggle with that one today at times. But there were many examples in my life, that when I looked at my weakness list and really got honest about the root of where they came from, most of them did come from strengths I had, I had just supercharged them so much they turned into weaknesses.
It’s about letting go a little, not trying to force the outcome we want and trusting that we are where we are meant to be in that moment, even if it’s uncomfortable, it may be just where we should be to learn what we need to learn. Trust. Learning to trust. And learning to focus on our strengths, those positive parts of us that make us unique, or successful, or shine bright, learning to love all the parts of us that make us us. And finding a way to turn those weaknesses back into the strengths they were born from, so that we can be the people we were meant to be before we got lost in who we thought we were not. It’s also about allowing ourselves to continually become who we are, to remain teachable and open to new ideas, and give ourselves as much time as we need to find our path.
Look at your weaknesses today and see if they may just be an overuse of your strengths. Then ease off and let those overused weaknesses slide back to the strengths column. You have more strengths than weaknesses, you’ve gotten this far, but just think how much further you may go with more strengths working for you instead of against you. SLAY on!
SLAY OF THE DAY: Do tend to focus on your perceived weaknesses? What do you think they are? What don’t you like about them? Can you identify what strengths they may be? For each weakness, write down the opposite attribute. Do you recognize those opposite attributes in you? Do you see a connection between what you see as weaknesses and the positive attribute is? How many connections can you make between your weaknesses and your strengths? How can you work on redirecting those weaknesses back into strengths? Many times what we think are our greatest weaknesses are an overuse of our greatest strengths, it’s all in how we choose to look at them.
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you
Slay Say
Good morning SLAYER! You may have no idea just how much you already have. Count your blessings today.
New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!
Slay Say
Good morning SLAYER! All you can change is yourself, but that can change everything.
New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!
Slay Say
Good morning SLAYER! Loving yourself is the greatest revolution.
New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!
Bringing Love To Your Wounds
Often times we are the ones who hurt ourselves the most. And even in times when someone else may be hurting us, we allow them to do it, whether directly or indirectly, by engaging with that person or putting ourselves in the situation to begin with. But, most times we are the ones who do the most damage to ourselves, we suffer the most by our own hand. Sometimes we do it by not giving ourselves credit for something we’ve achieved, by punishing ourselves for doing something wrong or not knowing better, for missing an opportunity, missing a deadline, or not speaking up for ourselves. We continue to bully ourselves for these things and keep picking away at a wound that is already there. We get ourselves into a viscous cycle of self-attack, self-defense, self-imposed guilt, and self-imposed blame. But it’s important to seek out the right within the wrong, or even question whether the act was “wrong” in the first place and not merely just a chance to learn or do it better next time. This journey, this path, we are on is about learning and growing, if we all knew everything and did everything perfectly every time, none of us would know how great it feels to find success after a previous failure. It’s those “failures” that build our strength and show us who we are, if we’re able to use them as tools to build a better us.
Before setting out on a path of recovery, I only focused on what I thought was bad about myself, or inadequate. I had a constant loop in my head telling myself what and who I was not. When someone would compliment me I would quickly point out why I didn’t deserve the compliment and shoot it down. I would beat myself up for having a lack of clarity and or for indecisiveness, which many times came from fear of doing what I really wanted, that I labeled it as a sign of weakness. I could tell you all the things I was not, but I couldn’t tell you why, and the reason I couldn’t was because in reality it wasn’t true, it was a narrative I would tell myself to keep myself sick, to keep myself isolated from those around me and to prevent myself from achieving what I was too afraid to believe I deserved.
It wasn’t until I found the courage to see the right beneath the wrong that things started to change. I had to change my thinking and I had to learn to trust myself. That shift happened by learning to take a compliment, and if I truly didn’t believe I deserved it, to just say thank you, not talk back and try to take it away. I was taught that when I argued and said I didn’t deserve it, that I was actually telling that person they were wrong, or a liar, and that wasn’t something I wanted to do, so a simple thank you helped me through that to start. I learned to trust myself by doing trustworthy things, to be accountable for my actions and words, and be open to the belief that I deserved good things, so when they came my way I could humbly smile and say OK. All of these baby steps took time, along with others, that slowly helped me let go of my self-imprisonment and learn to let myself live, mistakes and all. I had to learn to bring love to my wounds, and it was that love that would eventually let them heal.
We often focus on all the things we think are wrong with us, what we lack, but what if, just for today, you offered yourself some love and acceptance so you can move beyond what you may not have been to what you can do. SLAY on!
SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you focus on what you think your shortcomings are? Is that all you see? Why? When was the last time you let yourself take credit for something? Do you take compliments from others easily? If not, why not? Do you give compliments to others? How does that make you feel? How do you feel if someone doesn’t accept your compliment? Do you see how when you don’t accept a compliment yourself that the other person may feel that same way? What if today you focused on all the things you are instead of what you’re not, and see how that focus may change your day, you never know SLAYER, you may just try it again the next day just to make sure you were right.
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you
Slay Say
Good morning SLAYER! Sometimes it takes an incredible breakdown to have an incredible breakthrough.
New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!
