Good morning SLAYER! If you don’t ask for you help the answer will always be no. Ask for what you need.
New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!
help
Hand In Hand Is The Only Way To Land
Before walking this path I would freely tell people, I wasn’t a “group” person. I had always had a few close friends, but rarely did I even go out with them more than one or two at a time. I kept things small. Intimate. And, back then I couldn’t tell you why, but I knew that I felt uncomfortable in groups, in fact, many times I felt more alone in a group than I did when I was actually alone. I kept to myself back then, I would share some things with friends or family, but the dark stuff, the big stuff, I carried alone. I felt like I didn’t want to burden anyone else, but I also felt like, even though they might be friends, that I might be judged or thought of as weak if I let the truth out about who I was and what I was going through. As a result, I suffered a lot at my own hand, and I suffered a lot alone.
When I made a commitment to get better, it was suggested I join a group. I shivered. Panic shot through me at the thought of not only walking into a room of strangers but that I would be asked to share myself at a time that was my darkest, something I hadn’t even been doing with those I considered close. I was told that I didn’t have to take this journey alone, that there were many others who had walked this road before me, and who, like me, where also starting their journey. I was encouraged to reach out and get to know those who I identified with. As scary as that was at first, as I had a fear that people were collecting information about me and my private life, as crazy as that sounds now, I had some major trust issues to work through, but as I reached out my hand and said hello, that fear started to leave me. What happened was, when I opened up and shared my true self with those around me, they tended to do the same, whether it was new friends or old, that honesty closed the gap I had always felt between me and everyone around me. And, I started to become a “group” person, in fact, today, over 13 years later, I love those groups, and even if I don’t know anyone in it, I know we all sit there for a common purpose and we all share our truths because it helps us to get better and it helps those who may be just starting their journey and need to hear themselves in our stories, and, that it gets better.
Life will always do it’s thing, we have no control over what comes our way, but we can arm ourselves with a team of people who love and support us, so when things do hit the fan you’ve got as many helping hands as you may need. And the trick is to use them! For the support to work you have to reach out for those hands, and, take them. It doesn’t magically happen just by thinking about it. We are not mind-readers, ask for what you want and need. But also remember, that doesn’t mean that everyone is always able to be what you want and need exactly when you need it, so that’s why it’s important to build up that group, that network or extended family, so when you do fall, you’ve got those extra set of hands to help you back up.
It took me falling down as far as I did to realize that I didn’t have to fall that far, I could have reached out for the hands that were already around me, and even though they might not have understood exactly what I was going through, they would have understood I needed that hand, and I could have saved myself a lot of pain and misery.
No one walks their road alone, unless you choose to, but we’re not meant to, our lives, and the people in them come to us for a reason, and together we are stronger and capable of anything. SLAY on!
SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you tend to keep to yourself or do you share what’s really going on for you? If you don’t share, what stops you? Have you shared in the past? What was the result? If it was good, why have you stopped? If it wasn’t good, why do you think that was? Did you reach out for help from the wrong person? Did you not share your total truth? Did you expect too much? What can you do differently next time for a better result? SLAYER, I could not have the life I have today without the support of others. And not only do they help me when I need a hand, but I get to do the same for them, which again helps me, it’s just how it works.
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you
Slay Say
Good morning SLAYER! If you don’t ask for what you need the answer will always be no.
New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!
When You Ask For Help You’re Helping
Before walking this path I never wanted to ask for help. I thought asking for help made me look weak, like I didn’t know how to take care of things on my own or by asking I was going to risk ruining that perfect facade I had spent my whole life presenting to the world, so I would try to figure thing out on my own, and for the most part, I was pretty good at it, but I was also sliding some big ongoing problems under the rug that I couldn’t find a solution to, or, didn’t want to. Now those problems I swept away, or hid, never went away, I just couldn’t see them for a while, until they surfaced once again, and when they did resurface, they were usually bigger than they were before, it was like they were lifting weights in the shadows and would come back with even more muscle power.
Now looking back it seems ridiculous to think things would just go away on their own if I pushed them away or didn’t want to see them, it’s very rare that anything will. But I was operating with a kind of magical thinking most of the time and would believe, or want to believe, that I could just make things disappear because I wanted them to, something about as logical as trying to talk yourself out of the stomach flu, talking isn’t going to get you well. It wasn’t until all of that pretending and magical thinking wore off and I was left standing in the stark reality of my existence that I finally reached out for help. I had to let go of that beautiful facade I had designed and hid behind and I had to get real and get honest. It was scary, but it felt good to no longer carry the weight of what I had been dragging behind my whole life and start to let it go, and to realize that the key to my recovery was going to be my honesty and my ability to ask for help.
It was difficult for me at first. To ask for help. My head would tell me that I was bothering the other person, that they had their own problems and didn’t have time for mine, or that they might think badly of me knowing the truth of who I was. None of that was true. In fact, me asking for help had the opposite effect. It opened many doors to new friendships, it deepened relationships I already had and by asking for help I was getting different suggestions and ideas that I hadn’t thought of on my own. I also realized that many times, my asking for help may also be helping the person I had asked. It had never occurred to me that me needing help could do anything for anyone else, but it did. I often say here at State Of Slay, that everything happens for a reason, so when we reach out to someone in need of help there’s a reason we’re drawn to reach out to the person or people we do, they might also need to hear what we have to say, or what they say to us.
Having practiced asking for help for many years now, and, being on the receiving end of people asking me for help, I know that I have been helped by their need for help, or by what I’ve said to them as a suggested solution. It has become very evident to me how someone reaching out to me with a problem, can help me just as much, and now when I reach out for help, I remind myself that I may helping the person I reach out to just as much as I will be helped. SLAY on!
SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you typically keep things inside, or do you ask for help when you need it? What stops you from asking for help? Have you had bad experiences in the past? Or, are you listening to a story your head tells you that may not be true? What can you do to change that story? Are you asking the right people for help, or are you asking people who will give you the response you are looking for to continue telling your negative narrative? How do you feel when someone asks you for help? Have you been helped, or been given some insight, when you’ve been asked for help? Remember SLAYER, asking for help is never a one way street, there may be reasons, beyond what we could know, why you are asking help from who you are. Never shy away from asking for help when you need it, you’re not only helping yourself, but you may just be helping someone else who may not know they’re also in need of some help that day.
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you
Make An Appointment With Yourself
Before walking this path the last thing I wanted to do was check in with myself. My goal each and every day was to hide, to shut off the negative self-talk in my head and to not feel anything. I was in such terror of my own thoughts that I had even stopped going to yoga in fear of being alone in my head for an hour without any distractions, something I hadn’t even realized I had done until years later when I was on a path of recovery. Everything in me worked to get outside of myself and the torture of my own thoughts. But when I made a commitment to get better and seek treatment, the running had to stop and the honesty had to begin. The thought of that terrified me. I knew all of the things that I had stuffed down and was trying to hide from, how the heck was I now just going to let it all out and what was I going to do with it all? That’s where the support and help came in, and as previously mentioned, the honesty. I wasn’t going to be able to do it alone and I needed to reach out for help.
It was through the honesty and help of others that I was able to slowly let go and allow myself to feel. I’m going to be honest, it was scary at first, and at times, very overwhelming, but I was able to tap into my thoughts and feelings, and, started to learn the truth from the fiction. My head always wants to paint me as a victim, but that isn’t true, it wants to me to stay sick, so it will still tell me lies, I have learned, over many years, not to listen to those lies, but sometimes I can still fall into old behaviors and believe them for a short while, but most of the time, now, I can sift through the truth from the bullshit. And, it’s important for me to do that. To take some time and make an appointment with myself and check in. That can be in meditation, sitting quietly for a short time, it can take form in a walk or spending time nature, it can be laying down quietly, or perhaps, yes, taking a yoga class. But it’s important that I check in to see where my head and thoughts are at, because they tell me a lot how I’m doing, and what may need to be worked on or fixed. Our thoughts, even the bad ones, can also show us what we need to work on, or address, they’re like that light that comes on in the car when it needs service, they’re nothing to be afraid of, just should be looked at. Taking time for and with yourself also is an act of self-love, it is a loving gesture to yourself to show you care and want the best for yourself.
We all have busy lives, and sometimes our thoughts and feelings can be overwhelming, or maybe something we don’t want to feel, but it is important that we do feel them and look for a way to acknowledge them and find the root of them so the real issue can be dealt with. It’s also important to share our thoughts and feelings with those we trust or a professional who may have some advice or a way to work through them, it’s important to find a solution and let them go.
Find some time in this week to make an appointment with yourself. Whether it be for 5 minutes, an hour or a whole day, that time is always time well spent, and you may just thank yourself for it later. SLAY on!
SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you take time for yourself? What do you do to make time to honor yourself? How do you do that? How often do you do that? If you don’t, how can you make some time to honor yourself and check in to see how you’re doing today? Are you afraid of doing so? If so, why? Do you have people in your life you can share your honest thoughts and feelings with? Do you have a professional person you can do that with, or someone within a religious or spiritual community? If not, how can you go about finding someone who you can feel comfortable with to share your thoughts and feelings? Look for opportunities this week to take some time for yourself, or perhaps check in with yourself today.
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you
Slay Say
Good morning SLAYERS! The only thing more exhausting than having mental illness is pretrending you don’t have it.
New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!
Slay Say
Good morning SLAYER! The mind is like a parachute, it only works when it’s open.
New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!
Never, Never Again
There were so many times in my life, before walking this path, that I would say never again. And yet, I would repeat those same behaviors over and over, even the ones I knew were self-destructive and were taking down an even darker road than I was already on. My attitude, always, was, well if I’ve already messed up this little bit I might as go whole hog and hit the “f*ck it button.” There was no middle ground, I was either doing great, or down in the dumps, I gave myself no room for anything in between. Living within those tight parameters I was setting myself up to fail, most of the time, and truthfully that’s where my head wanted me, to constantly be failing so I would increasingly get worse and think there was no way out. But there was.
When I finally fell to my knees and was able ask for help, I was told it takes time to break old habits and to begin a new way of life, and that even if I made mistakes, or failed in my opinion, that was part of the recovery process. That I had to wrap my head around. Failure was part of the process? Well, the truth was, it wasn’t really “failure,” it was all just part of the process, something I had to learn as I fell and got back up again. I also learned that those falls were where I learned the most, so they, for me, were an essential part of the process. I had to find comfortabililty in the gray areas between what I viewed as “right” or “wrong.” Being OK in the gray wasn’t easy at first because the minute I wasn’t perfect at this new way of life and slipped back into old behaviors or patterns, that negative bullshit committee in my head would pipe up and say, “see, you can’t do it!” In fact, they would scream it. And, I had to learn to say, “you’re lying, I can, watch me.”
Change takes time. It takes of trying, over and over again, until it becomes less effort. Until it becomes a part of who you are and not something you have to think about anymore. You are going to fail, or fall, or make mistakes, that’s part of making changes, but the important thing is to not give up, to keep going, to do better next time, or try again. Don’t put those parameters on yourself and say never again, you may do it again, you may do it many times before you stop doing it, and even when you stop doing it, you may do it another time. Allow yourself to have some wiggle room, to be in the gray space in between, where you’re trying your best, and that’s good enough, it is actually more than good enough. It was pointed out to me in my early journey that I had done things the old way much longer than I had the new way, so it wasn’t fair to beat myself for falling back to what I knew or once did, but I always had the chance to do it better the next time. And that’s what I did. It’s been over 13 years now and sometimes I can still fall back, but I know now that when I do it’s just a moment and it’s not who I am today, and maybe I fall back from time to time to remind myself where I don’t want to fall back to, and that’s OK, because today I know the right choices for me and what I need to do to live this life I’ve worked so hard for, a slip from time to time isn’t the end of the world, it’s just part of the process.
Allow yourself to make mistakes, and when you do, never say never again, say, I’ll do better next time, or I’ll try to, or, I did my best today. No one is perfect, and embracing those times we may fall back, and learning to look at them as learning opportunities rather than failures is the mindset that will get us to the place we’re working so hard for, I know, because I got there, and I know you can too. SLAY on!
SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you feel like you’ve failed if you fall back on old behaviors? Do you beat yourself up for it? Do you set strict parameters for yourself that you can’t possibly live within to grow and learn naturally? Why do you think you do this? How do you think you can ease those parameters to let yourself grow and make mistakes as part of your process and journey? What do you think will happen if you do? Let yourself live in the gray area sometimes, let go of the restrictions of right or wrong and let yourself find your way, always striving to do better the next time if you haven’t made the best choice in the moment, let yourself find the right way and not beat yourself up for the mistakes along the way, those mistakes might just be what’s guiding you to the right choice the next time.
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you
Slay Say
Good morning SLAYER! Sometimes we can help the most by just listening.
SLAY on!
Slay Say
Good morning SLAYER! Our greatest good is what we can do for others.
New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!
