help

Are You Addicted To Power, Possessions, People and Praise?

As I sit down to write this Christmas Eve I am thinking about the true spirit of the holiday. For many, religious, but for all a time of giving, of sharing and one of kindness. It’s easy to get caught up in the craziness of buying and receiving gifts, looking for the perfect gift, or, trying to find the one that will impress or one-up someone else. The act of gift giving often gets lost in our own selfish wants or needs and our expectations are raised to a level that no matter what the response, they’ll never be good enough.

For those with a lot, we may use that power to position ourselves to feel better than, to give in a grand way that overshadows others and to make ourselves feel superior, or the best. We may get caught up on that list of things we want, that list we think we have to have, and are expecting to get, and if one of those things are not found wrapped with our name on it, the whole holiday is a bust sending us into self-pity and emptiness. We may also be addicted to people, fearing the quiet of spending some time alone, we jump from event to event, gathering to gathering, in the hope to fill that void and drown out those voices in our heads telling us things we don’t want to hear or face. And, there are those of us too who feed off of the praise of a gift well given or found, turning the gift giving experience away from the recipient and their appreciation or enjoyment of it, and shining the spotlight back on ourselves for the praise coming our way for a job well done. None of these scenarios demonstrate the true meaning of this holiday season, and yet, how many of us fall into one or more of these categories?

I admit, I used to identify with all of these, depending on the year, I tried to use that fuel to try to light the fire within, but the reality of it was, that it never really did, not for long, and soon after I was left with that empty feeling again and searching for the next thing to try to fill it up. I was never able to fill it up until I got rigorously honest with myself and sought help. I was trying to fill a void I could not, not with the tools I had, and not with material things or praise from others, I had learn that I was the most valuable gift I could receive and I had to learn to praise myself, and believe it, for the good I was able to do, for myself, and others. And speaking of others, that was the key. Participating in selfless acts of kindness, especially without others knowing about it. The act of doing something for someone else is the gift, the acknowledgment of it is not what’s important, or shouldn’t be so. We perform an act of kindness because we want to, that’s it, and even if it’s never known it was us, or, if it isn’t acknowledged in a way we would have thought, it doesn’t take away that act, that act is the thank you to yourself, a thank you to who you are and what you stand for, there is no need for any praise past the act, but it is OK if there is, as long as you’re not seeking it.

As we head out this holiday season remember what the purpose of it truly is. Look for ways to spread love and kindness, and perhaps even joy, with those you spend your days and nights with. It is a time to give back, to share a laugh, to give a helping hand, and to give the gift that is most precious, your time. Go out there and be love, be you and be grateful for what you have, so even if you don’t get everything you had hoped for, you will know you have everything you need, and that is the greatest gift of all. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you get caught up in power, possessions, people and praise over the holiday season? How so? How does this harm you? How has this gotten in the way of your enjoyment of the holidays? How has it gotten in the way of your relationships? What can you do to prevent that from happening this year? What do you think your greatest gift is? Why don’t you focus on sharing that this holiday season, and see how that act of sharing yourself makes the difference this year. No matter what your plans are this holiday season, make your goal not to be the best, but to share your best self.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Thank You Is An Action Word

Saying thank you can mean a lot, to acknowledge what someone has done and to let them know they’ve made a difference, but saying thank you just isn’t enough, just as saying sorry isn’t enough without changed behavior, thank you isn’t where your gratitude should end.

When I started on my journey of recovery I was freely offered a lot of help. I realized that I needed that help, as going it alone had gotten me to a personal bottom and I realized that asking for help was not only not a sign of weakness, but was required to find a solution to the way I had been living my life. I was never going to succeed on my own, and as much as that was a bruise to my ego, I had to learn to humbly accept the help and guidance from others. When I did that my road became less treacherous and became filled with others like myself working toward the same goal. I learned to walk with them, to listen to them and to lean on them when the road got tough, and as I began to feel better I started to think about how I could ever repay so many who gave me their time when I needed it. I was told to give back, to share what I had learned with others who may need to hear it as they walked their journey, and that was how I repay them and say thank you.

I think about that in my life daily, no matter what the situation or who it is, what action can I take to say thank you because the words aren’t enough. To truly say thank you you should demonstrate it in your life, every day, that is the truest way to say thank you, to show it in your actions. When we think of thank you as an action word it changes our thinking, it causes us to pause and think of how we can say thank you by what we do, not just saying the words, and how showing kindness to others is a way we can say thank you to someone else who helped us past just seeing ourselves and our own problems and sharing ourselves with someone else. Thank you is a way of life, not just something we feel in a moment and then move on, when we live in a place of thank you we carry gratitude in our heart and we look for ways to share that in hopes of allowing someone else to find peace, or support or acknowledgment, and when we do that we are also sharing that thank you, or gratitude, with ourselves, that we are in a place today where we are able to find some compassion for others and share a positive message or moment.

Next time, before you simply say thank you, think about what what action you can take to show how thankful you are, to not simply say thank you in a moment, but let that thanks continue from that moment on. How can you take action and say thank you today? SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you often say thank you when you want to acknowledge something someone has done for you? How do you do that? Do you just say the words or do you find a way to show how you thankful you are? Are there people in your life who have, or continue to support you, throughout, or for a portion of your life? How do you say thank you to them? Do you have a difficult time saying thank you, or finding a way to say it that measures up to how you feel? Many times we can say thank you just by living life as our best selves and giving back where we can. We can show our gratitude by sharing it with others and by living our life in a positive, healthy and thankful way, that may be the best way, and many times is, to say thank you to someone who has helped you during a tough part of your journey, or through a difficult time. Like many things in life, thank you, comes full circle, it doesn’t just stop with the person or people who directly helped you, if you take the action, it can be spread out to anyone in your life and continue to work through you as you continue from here.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Don’t Count The Days, Make The Days Count

When I was living in the dark I would look for outside things to try to create some light. Whether it was buying something new, planning a trip or finding something, anything, to escape the daily mental turmoil I was going through, I was constantly trying to find a quick outside fix to solve an internal problem. I would be heard saying often that I needed to find something to look forward to, never wanting to live in the moment of where I was because it was easier to try to distract myself than deal with the problem itself, but, and each time I did that, the problem just got stronger. Being in denial and fear of what I might have face if I stayed present and in the current moment, or day, I kept placing things ahead of me to look forward to and then would count down the days to that thing or event. It wasn’t until I finally found myself in paralyzing fear of where my denial and distractions had taken me that I finally stopped and humbly asked for help.

Even in my recovery it became all about looking forward to milestones, and as it was great to have goals to work toward, I had to make a conscious effort to stay present and make better choices for myself one moment at a time. Each day was important to my daily recovery, and I had to use each day to it’s fullest and learn healthy ways to mark increments of time, and, stay present, even if it was uncomfortable to do so. When I felt lost, or overwhelmed, I was encouraged to reach out to someone else and ask them about themselves. At first I didn’t really understand why it was suggested I do that, but when uncomfortableness got to be too much I picked up the phone to give it a try, and, lo and behold, it worked! Reaching out to someone else got me out of my own head and gave me an opportunity to find compassion for someone else and form a connection, and it did each time I did it had the same result. From there I was encouraged to help others, to share my story and to support others on their journey, which helped me on mine. As I began to do that more often my days began to count more, and the more I focused on how I could be of service to others my days counted even more, it gave my days value that they had never had, and it them a purpose. Instead of living a life in isolation, as I used to, I was living a life, actually living it, engaging with others, trying new things, and, getting better, and before I knew it, those days turned into months, and then years, but each one of the days in between have counted and brought me right to where I am today.

It’s easy to surf off into the future in our minds and wish for what we don’t have, or wait for something that’s coming, but when we do we miss out on what’s right here and now, and even though we may not place much value on what we have, it’s value becomes apparent when we focus on making each day count. How can you make your day count today? SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you often look to get out of the present day by looking at the days ahead? Why do you do this? How do you do this? How does this help you? How does this hurt you? How have you, or do you, try to escape the day ahead? What do you use to get out, or stay out, of the present? What can you do to get yourself back to the present? How can you make today count? What do you have to offer that may make someone else’s day better or brighter? What if you just made a phone call to ask someone how their day was going without starting the conversation by unloading yours? Just the act of taking interest in someone else other than yourself gives your day for meaning, and, can bring some perspective of what may be weighing you down or troubling you. Everyone we encounter can bring us insight into our own lives as we may do the same for them. We are all connected and walk through each individual journey with many alongside us, so why not invite them in and share what you have and allow them to do the same. You’ll be amazed how each day begins to count and you stop counting those days when each day is filled with value.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Understanding Suicide

This time of year can be difficult for many of us, particularly those with mental health issues. I am honored to have been included, along with STATE OF SLAY™, in this informative book about suicide from Community Partners Group.

If you yourself or someone you love needs help, call 1-800-273-TALK or go to suicidepreventionlifeline.org

To read or share the book to go to: Understanding Suicide

Suicide Book SOS Page

Understanding Suicide is brought to you by Community Partners Group.  CPG is a family company that works hand in hand with law enforcement by supplying them, free of charge, books for their community policing. CPG’s goal is to help educate young people to our treasured seniors on topics such as: bullying, Internet safety, making good choices, car safety, drugs, suicide, active threat awareness, to frauds and scams.

If you would like any further information you can email Jill at: jmcwhirter@commgrps.com

Find Your Good And Do It

For a lot of my life I had no idea what my good was. In fact, I, before walking this path, probably would have said I didn’t have any. And, early on, even as I was walking this path I walk today I wasn’t always sure, I just knew I had to keep walking forward, and trusting I was where I was supposed to be. I survived a night I medically shouldn’t have, and I struggled with that for a while, the why, why did I survive, what was I doing that made me worth saving? I had been giving back in my own community up until that point, and I could see the good in that, and I could see how that good I gave to others also helped me in my recovery, but I still wasn’t confident in what my good was. So I wrote about it, meditated about it and continued to ask myself what was my good. The answer finally came when I let go and started to look for the signs I was being given and the direction that was coming.

My good is being of service. It’s sharing my story and offering hope to those who may need it. I never would have thought, years ago, that that would be my good. The shy self-hating fear-based girl who was so afraid that you would hate her she would only let you see what she thought you wanted to see would have never let you see her flaws, or mistakes or anything that she thought was weakness, but, that girl of the past was wrong, she mistook all of those things as negative when they were really her strengths, but to see that, it took an emotional and spiritual bottom to see my light. My good came from all of those dark times, from my mistakes, my misconceptions, my disease, it was all of those things that formed my good once I realized the power it all had, and I had, to share my journey from there to where I am today. Every time I get the chance to offer some hope to someone I think back to that girl, and how she never would have believed I could live without fear and share my truth, I never take that for granted, it is an honor to have survived all that I have and to have the opportunities I do to share my story with those who are open to receive it, and it feels pretty amazing that my story and experience has connected me to so many others who recognize themselves in my journey, and me in theirs, when I used to feel so isolated and alone before finding my voice. My good not only helps those around me but it gives me good back, it reminds me to stay teachable, it reminds me to keep an open-minded and it reminds me that we are all connected and have a commonality. My good helps me in my own recovery, and I suspect that most people’s good helps them in theirs, or in contributing to their greater good.

We all have good to share and do, sometimes it takes what may look like a tragedy to find it, but as I’ve said here many times before, the only tragedy is giving up, everything else happens to lead us to where we are meant to be, and for some of us, myself included, it may take something pretty earth shattering to get us to do the right thing. Your good is specific to you and it is valuable, as are you. If you haven’t already, find your good and share it with the world, we all have good to share and while we do you’ll meet others on your path doing just as you are. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you see your own good? If yes, what is it? If not, why not? What stops you from seeing your good? Name one good quality, talent or attribute you have. Now using that, what can you do to share it with others who may appreciate it? Has someone shared their good with you? Who? How have they made a difference in your life? Have you been inspired by their good? Has their good helped you to see the good in you? What is that good? Allow your good to live through you, share it and let it give back to you, when you send it out to the world good comes back and it may reveal even more good in you, and your life.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Humor Helps Us Heal

When I first stepped on this path I didn’t feel I had anything to laugh about. I was at an emotional and spiritual low that I didn’t know if I could come back from. Every day was just like the next and the darkness was closing in on me. Thankfully, before it took completely over I sought help and when I did I was surprised to hear so much laughter.

It was suggested I join a support group, something I felt hesitant to do, but knew I had to try everything that was suggested if I wanted to live, or at least, have a chance at life. When I sat down for the first time I was relieved to relate to most of what was being said, by others in the room, I suddenly didn’t feel alone, and I had most of my life. I was also surprised to hear so much laughter, even while some rather embarrassing stories or horrible events were being shared due to bad decisions prior to getting well. I, at first, was taken aback, that the people in the room were seemingly laughing at such sad or horrible stories from people’s pasts. But then I noticed that the each person sharing, was also laughing, or at least letting out a chuckle, at the foolishness of their past escapades. As I watched the room erupt in laughter I found myself laughing along with them, even though most of what was being shared I had also done or thought myself. But seeing, and hearing, the laughter made me feel better about my own stories and the events that had brought me to that place. I had asked someone after about the laughter, and it was explained to me that they laugh because that’s not who they are anymore, and because they live today in the light, they can find humor in the past and in what used to be their best laid plans that continually got them into trouble or lead them down a darker path. I realized the power that laughter has to heal and to find acceptance around things we may feel bad about, but are working to no longer continue doing. As I began to feel better and started to make positive changes in my own life, I started to find the humor in some of my own stories, and as I started to share them with others, they became a way to relate to others like myself and them to me, those shared laughs formed into friendships and helped me in my recovery.

My Mother has always said, “if I’ve lost my sense of humor, I’ve lost everything,” and that is so true. When we are able to look at past mistakes or decisions that were our “best ideas” at the time and see the humor in what we have done because we are no longer making those same mistakes, that is a win. It shows us how far we’ve come and it allows us to not take who we used to be so seriously, even in the most dire of situations. Humor does help us heal, but only when it is used to recognize the foolishness of our past because we are now making better decisions, not, when it is used to deflect and hide behind without making any changes.

No one is perfect, we all make mistakes or misjudge things, but it is when we’ve learned from our past and have moved on, or are making efforts to do so, that we can use that humor to let go of the shame of what we may have done to laugh us into healing from those events from our past. Sometimes laughter truly is the best medicine. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Are you able to laugh at past mistakes? If not, why not? Do you hide from your humor or use it as a way to deflect how you truly feel or to prevent yourself from facing the truth? How has humor helped you in the past? How does it help you heal? Are you able to find the humor in your past through humor in hearing other people’s pasts? Does it help you connect with others? How does that make you feel? Let go of mistakes made in the past and find the humor in what you have done, look back and know that today you are making better choices and your laughter reminds you of your journey to get where you are right now.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! You have the power to say, this is not how my story is going to end. Your story isn’t over yet ;

New blog goes up Friday, until then… SLAY on!

State Of Slay Ends The Chances

Suicide Prevention- No Shame

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. A day that is particularly important to me. As a survivor it is a reminder of the place I came from, and the importance of ending the stigma that mental health issues are something to hide and be ashamed of. My shame of my disease kept me silent, and that silence nearly cost me my life. Approximately 1 and 5 adults experience mental illness in any given year in the United States. 1 in 5. Think about that. Anywhere you go, when you look around, 1 and 5 of those people you see are experiencing or have experienced some form of mental illness. So, why are we so afraid to talk about it? Why is there shame around something that so many us all share?

I know for myself I was afraid of being labeled “crazy,” of possibly being in an institution, whether a real threat or imagined, I was afraid of people looking at me differently, of possibly being medicated, something that frightened me as I had seen the side-effects of certain medications in my life having a negative effect, and, I was afraid of being seen as broken, or damaged. Those were the fears that kept me from reaching out and getting the help I needed. I was ashamed at how I was living my life, and my ego and pride stopped me for many years from finding the humility and courage to ask for help. It was someone who shared his story with me, who recognized what I was struggling with, and opened his heart to me about his journey that opened the door for my recovery. I appreciated his courage to share himself with me in that way, and his courage to seek treatment. I could see how his life was today and how he had changed, but I wasn’t quite ready in that moment to identify myself as having the same mental illness. Lucky for me, that story planted a seed, and a few months later, that seed had started to grow, and I realized that I did recognized myself in his story from what it had been like for him. It was the first time I felt like it was safe to tell someone the truth about the place I found myself in, the daily struggle just to get through each day and my constant hope that I would just die in my sleep and make the pain go away. But, in reality, I didn’t want to die, I just, on my own, didn’t know how to make the pain stop, but by asking for help I later found many people who did.

The key to my recovery, and my life today, was my ability to be honest with myself, and those who could help me. I found, that when I did reach out for help that there was an abundance of it, and a community of people who understood what I was going through who rallied around me in support. I learned that what I thought was something to be ashamed of was something that connected me to that community, and to many people who were already in my life who understood my struggle, and that connection meant I wasn’t alone. No one in my life turned away from me. There were certainly those who understood more than others, but those who did not asked questions and attempted to understand. Today, having nearly double digit recovery from my attempt, I am grateful to be here, to have the life I have today, and to be able to share my journey with others who may need to hear that there is hope, there is hope.

The more we talk about something the more it loses it’s power over us, the more that shame we may carry disappears and the more it give others permission to be honest about themselves. Everyone needs help sometime, and there is nothing wrong with reaching out your hand and asking for help. The day I tried to end my pain, I remember regretting what I had done, and when I talk with other survivors, I typically hear the same from them, I was lucky that I was given a second chance, but many do not get that chance, and I wonder how many regretted what they had done after they had done it, probably many.

I am here today to share my story, share my hope, share my light for the person that may be sitting in the dark, there is help all around you, there truly is, sometimes it may not be where you think it is, or where you think it should be, but it’s there. Share you truth and open your heart to finding the help you need, never be ashamed of the place you are right now, because where you are right now may just be where you need to be to get to the place you are meant to be, a place where you can be proud of who are you and who you are, and a place where your courage may just inspire someone else to find theirs. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you share your truth with those around you, or those you trust, or keep your feelings inside? If you don’t share your truth, why don’t you? Do you try? What stops you? Have you shared your truth in the past? What was the result? If it wasn’t a good result, is it possible you may have shared your truth with the wrong person or persons? Who can you share your truth with? There is no shame in needing help.

If you are not sure who or how to reach out, here are a list a resources you can trust. Suicide Help Resources

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Large things are made up of many small things. Celebrate the small things.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then… SLAY on!

State Of Slay Celebrate Life

Every Little Thing Should Be Celebrated

We often save our celebrations for big events, or accomplishments, but what about those every day victories that get us to those big celebrations? Every day is worth celebrating, heck, most of us have made it through some pretty treacherous waters to get where we are right now, I know I have, and yet, sometimes we forget to celebrate how far we’ve come, how our day-to-day choices, decisions, or our overall mindset has changed for the better. We tend to focus on those big changes or life events instead of those little shifts each day. Many times we dismiss our hard work, or downplay what we have accomplished, never acknowledging ourselves for a job well done. It takes a lot to even recognize we need a change many times, let alone actually making them.

When I made the decision to change my life for the better most of what I had been doing to get by, and the way I had been living my life, had to be changed. That seemed really daunting, and scary. I, in the past, was someone who didn’t like change, and at times, when things were changing around me, beyond my control, I had turned to behaviors that ultimately harmed myself to cope with the feeling that my life was out of control. So, to set forth knowing I was embarking on an unknown path that was going to require me to change almost everything took some courage, but I had to trust I had been led to the path ahead for a reason and I had to trust that those I was walking with were going to help me and walk with me into this foreign land. I was encouraged to celebrate the little things, which, for me, back then, weren’t little, but even just the fact that I woke up, that I put a new routine in place that was in support of good mental health and a spiritual practice, and that I had stopped leaning on old habits that were harming me just to get by. Each day was a celebration because I had made it through, I had come from a place of wanting to die each day, so just waking up and looking forward to the day ahead was always something to celebrate, even if it was a difficult day, it was still better than where I had come from. But focusing on the victories, small or large, helped me to keep going, and it started to build my self-esteem. It also gave me a connection to others who were on a similar path, and I learned to celebrate their victories as well, sometimes even more than my own, because I knew how hard they were working and how tough the road could be. I learned compassion through taking an interest in others, and encouraging them to keep going as I celebrated along with them. Life started to look different, and instead of it being a series of horrible events, or punishment, it became full of celebrations, for me, and those around me.

We often set parameters in our lives for what we think is worthy of celebrating, and often we set those parameters higher for ourselves than those around us. What if we looked for all the ways we can celebrate ourselves today? What if we focused on our wins and not our losses? Why don’t we look at all the ways we deserve to be celebrated today, and share that joy with others as they celebrate themselves, or, perhaps, inspire them to celebrate their own. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you celebrate the smaller moments in your life, acknowledging how far you’ve come or how hard you’ve worked? If yes, how do you do that? If no, why not? Do you set the bar high for what you deem important enough to celebrate? What is worthy of celebration in your life? When was the last time you celebrated you? How can you do that more? What can you celebrate in your life today? How can you do that? Each time we walk through something we struggle with, each time we make a positive change in our life, or a positive thought replaces a negative one, each time we step out of our comfort zone and reach for something new we should celebrate. Maybe there’s a celebration just for reading this today and considering it, it starts with one small step, but that step could change the rest of your life.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you