grace

It’s Not The Pain That Helps Us Grow, It’s Our Response To It

Before I stepped onto this path, I walked through a lot of pain.

Not gracefully.
Not reflectively.
More like a storm spinning out of control—reactive, destructive, and exhausting.

I told myself, and was often told by others, that the pain was making me stronger. That suffering was proof of growth. That endurance alone was somehow building character.

But looking back, I can see the truth much more clearly now:

The pain wasn’t strengthening me.
My response to it was weakening me.

And in many cases, I was the source of my own pain.

That realization wasn’t comfortable—but it was freeing. Because it showed me that growth was never about how much pain I endured. It was about what I did after the pain showed up.

Pain Is Inevitable Suffering Is Optional

Pain is part of being human.

We get hurt.
We get disappointed.
We get blindsided—sometimes by others, sometimes by life itself.

But pain alone doesn’t create growth.

Pain without awareness creates repetition.
Pain without reflection creates cycles.
Pain without honesty keeps us stuck.

What determines growth isn’t the pain itself—it’s whether we react from old wounds or respond with clarity.

And there is always a choice.

Reaction Keeps Us Stuck Response Moves Us Forward

There’s a difference between reacting and responding.

Reaction is impulsive.
It’s emotional.
It’s driven by fear, old stories, and survival patterns.

Response is intentional.
It’s grounded.
It’s guided by truth instead of triggers.

When I reacted to pain, I made choices that caused more pain—burning bridges, sabotaging myself, repeating patterns I swore I wanted to escape.

When pain wasn’t self-inflicted, that was where growth became possible—if I was willing to respond instead of explode.

The Myth That Pain Builds Strength

One of the most damaging stories we tell ourselves is that pain itself makes us stronger.

That belief often keeps us tolerating what we shouldn’t.
It keeps us in harmful relationships.
It keeps us justifying self-destructive behavior.

Pain doesn’t build strength.

Choices build strength.

The strength comes from what you learn.
From what you release.
From what you decide not to repeat.

The old narrative—that suffering proves worth or resilience—often keeps us returning to the same sources of harm, believing it’s “part of the process.”

It isn’t.

Getting the Facts Is How We Grow Safely

One of the core truths I return to again and again is this:
When we have the facts, we are safe.

Not the feelings.
Not the assumptions.
Not the stories shaped by past wounds.

The facts.

Looking at pain honestly—without embellishment, blame, or denial—allows us to understand its source. And once we understand the source, we gain power.

Power to choose differently.
Power to set boundaries.
Power to walk away instead of reenacting.

Pain becomes useful only when it’s investigated.

We Always Have More Control Than We Think

Here’s the part that changes everything:

We don’t control whether pain shows up—but we do control how much we let it stay.

We can:

  • Let it fester

  • Turn it into resentment

  • Use it for sympathy

  • Or learn from it and release it

Sometimes simply letting pain go is growth.

Not every wound needs a deep dive. Some lessons are learned by choosing not to engage again.

And when you’re living from self-love and honesty, destructive reactions stop feeling good. Self-sabotage loses its appeal.

Because why tear down something you’re finally learning to build?

Pain Is a Teacher Not a Home

Pain is meant to inform you—not define you.

It shows you where boundaries are needed.
It highlights what isn’t aligned.
It reveals patterns asking to be broken.

But pain is not meant to be lived in.

When you respond with curiosity instead of chaos, pain becomes data. And data leads to discernment. And discernment leads to peace.

That’s growth.

Turning Pain Into a Gift

You may have never paused to ask yourself how you typically respond to pain.

So the next time it shows up, try this:

Strip away the story.
Remove the emotional overlay.
Look at the facts.

What actually happened?
What role did you play?
What part was within your control?
What can you learn?

When you do this, pain stops being something that happens to you—and becomes something that works for you.

The greatest gift pain can offer is information.

And information, used wisely, changes everything.

SLAY Reflection

Let’s reflect, SLAYER:

S: What do you believe is the main source of pain in your life right now?
L: How much of that pain are you creating, allowing, or repeatedly engaging with?
A: When pain shows up, do you tend to react or respond—and how is that serving you?
Y: What could change if you chose to learn from pain instead of letting it control you?

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
How has your response to pain shaped your growth—or where do you feel called to respond differently now?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who’s stuck believing pain itself is the path, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.

Pause Before You Act

I’ve been told I have quick reflexes, I’ve also been told I can have a barbed tongue, so the combination of those two things made for a lot of lashing out with hair triggered responses. I’ve mentioned this before, but it always bares repeating, life is not a game show, we don’t get extra points for speed, so why not take a moment, take a breath, and pause before you act.

Before stepping on this path I left a lot of shrapnel in my wake, a lot of bodies, and a lot of damage, I was like a ticking time bomb all the time, and if you dared cross me I would go off without notice. That was an awful way to live. I always felt on edge, and I hurt a lot of people, unsuspecting people who never saw it coming. At the time I would always justify my behavior, telling myself that they shouldn’t have crossed me in the first place, or should have been smarter, or faster, but the truth of the matter was, I was acting impulsively and defensively without giving any thought to how my reactions would affect those around me. When I made a commitment to love and honor myself, I also made a commitment to do the same to those around me, and I had to learn to pause before I reacted. That took some time, as I always had my finger on the trigger, to loosen my grip felt like the most difficult thing to do, but I found freedom there, freedom to take a moment to think about my next move, what the next right thing was, and I learned that a lot of times I didn’t ever have to react at all, or have an answer, I could take a step back and relax until I had an appropriate response or answer.

It can be easy to lash out at someone who has hurt you, embarrassed you, or is disrespecting you, but when you do you’re not only punishing them you’re also punishing yourself. You’re continuing the cycle of hate, anger, and disrespect, it may feel good in the moment, but those actions stick with us, attach themselves to us, and just add more negativity to an already negative situation. As SLAYERS we stand tall in who we are, we honor and love ourselves, and we don’t add problems to existing problems, we, if we can, are examples of a better way, a more peaceful way, a way that is about solving problems, not creating them. And, it’s not about being pushovers, it is about setting boundaries, and letting people know how we expect to be spoken to, but also adhering to that and speaking to people in the same way we wish to be spoken to. Hence the pause. The pause gives us a moment to collect ourselves, to think things through, and to respond with grace, dignity, and compassion if we can. I know you might be thinking I’m crazy right now, but try it, see how it changes things and how you stay calmer, less angry, and more in control. It doesn’t matter what the other person, or people, are doing, what matters is how you react, that’s where you get to choose, and sometimes that takes some thought, and sometimes it takes checking in with someone else you trust before responding. As I said, life is not a game show, if you don’t feel you can respond with a rational mind, in an appropriate way, or are just not sure how you feel, pause, and don’t answer until you feel you are ready. Sometimes I have to say to someone that I’ll need to get back to them, or we’ll have to revisit the issue another time because I know I am emotional, or confused, or just too upset to talk in an open and compassionate way, that’s OK, better to wait then have to apologize for an outburst or angry comment later, pause, wait, respond when ready.

No one is timing you on how quickly you return a call, email, text, or comment, make sure you are ready, and have all the facts straight before jumping into a conversation you might regret later. Give yourself the gift of time and honor the time you may need to answer, you’ll have far fewer regrets later.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you often feel like you have to answer as quickly as possible, even when you may not feel ready? Why do you think you feel that way? Do you see how your defenses from your past can flare up and skew your perspective and your response? What can you do to slow yourself down? Take a breath SLAYER, ask yourself what’s really going on and what your next right step is, take your time, and respond when ready.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slayer Say

Good morning SLAYER!  Learning to accept life’s challenges and grey areas puts us in a state of grace, where we honor those around us and rise above our challenges without regret.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Butterfly

Finding Grace In The Grey Areas

I used to think that everything had to be either black or white. If something didn’t fit in one of those two areas I would make it fit, bending it, manipulating it, twisting it to fit into the narrative I wanted to tell so it could be put neatly into the box I wanted it to. In doing so I was forcing things to only ever be one of two things in my mind, right or wrong. Life isn’t always that simple, many times it’s many things in between, and as much as I myself fought back to not to be put in a box, or be labelled as any one thing, I was doing just that with the people, places and things in my life. Much of that had to do with my need to control, to force things to be a certain way because it made me feel safe, smart, or better than, but I wasn’t living in truth, and I was missing out on appreciating all of the amazing things that live in the grey area, including myself.

When I started on this path, the grey area made me very uncomfortable, it felt unsafe, unmanaged, not defined enough, but as I started to open my mind, to see that things didn’t always fit in one of two places, the grey area started to become exciting, a little like the Wild West, where anything could happen. First I had to get comfortable with that, even though it seemed exciting, it felt scary, a little dangerous, and unpredictable, it was about learning to be comfortable in the uncomfortableness, which at first made me want to crawl out of my own skin, but I was encouraged to sit there and was told if I did, I could find peace there, and eventually grace. I did. And when I did it opened up a whole new world for me. A lot of life happens in the grey areas, and no matter how much I would force it into one of two places, a lot of things didn’t belong there. Most things don’t really belong there. Most things fall into the middle, and deserve to be left there. And when we leave them where they are supposed to be, even honor them for being there, we find grace. We stop fighting, manipulating, twisting them into something they are not, and honor them for being exactly what they are. This may sound like an abstract concept, but when we think about ourselves, who we are, what we stand for, who and what we love, typically, we don’t just fit into one neat box either, there is some grey, and maybe a lot of grey in the areas that matter, so as much as we wouldn’t want to be forced into a box that we didn’t fit in, neither should other people, places, and things. It’s also acknowledging our own growth. As we walk on this path, learn, and grow, what we believe, experience, and the way we live our lives, changes, our parameters get bigger, wider, and more vast, we accept things as they are, no matter how messy or perhaps how undefined they are, and let them be, without trying to change them, we let them live just as they are, and when we do, we find our grace.

Life does it’s dance, and a lot of the time it’s dancing to a totally different tune than the one in our heads, but instead of trying to force our dance to it’s music, just enjoy the music, and trust it’s the music we’re supposed to be hearing, it gives us an opportunity to learn a new dance, or to adjust the one we already know. Try new things, accept differences in others, and trust that you are being introduced to these things to help you on your journey, to guide you on your path, and to lead you to where you are supposed to be going. Find the grace in the grey, and let that open your heart to a brave new world.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you try to put everything in your life neatly in boxes or categories? Does the grey area scare you? If yes, why? Why do you think you need to have everything categorized neatly into one or two boxes? Would you like to be categorized into only one or two boxes? Do you think you fit into some grey areas in your life? If so, in what way? Can you see that others’ may also fit into grey areas? Can you accept that? When you can SLAYER, you are on your way to finding grace, and you are on your way to a new freedom, opening your eyes to the infinite possibilities that the world has to offer. Let go of old ideas and SLAY on!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

If You Breathe Out, You’ll Breathe In

When I get stressed or worried about something my breath gets shallow, or, I hold my breath. Breathing in stressful situations is something I’ve had to learn to do, and still have to make a conscious decision to focus on when life gets challenging. When we don’t take in enough air our brain starts to fire rapidly and we’re not able to make rational decisions. I practice yoga to learn to breathe, to practice breathing in uncomfortable or strenuous situations, and I’ve learned that when it comes to walking through things with grace, it’s all about the breath. If I’m breathing properly I can walk through anything, I feel calm, and able to rationally work through whatever comes my way.

The idea of breathing out to breathe in also symbolic for life on our journey for SLAYDOM. When we exhale the bad stuff, the stuff we don’t need, the stuff that doesn’t serve us, the stuff we let go, we inhale fresh air, we inhale the good stuff, we fill our lungs and our brain with the air it needs to keep us steady on our path. Sometimes it’s just easier to think of exhaling first rather than inhaling, so I focus on that when I notice my breath gets shallow, if I exhale, I’ll automatically inhale, and start a better flow of oxygen.

I also envision all the negative, the bad, the frustrations exhaling out of my body as I’m doing it, I try to see it and really let it go. I often will say to myself, exhale the bad shit, inhale the good shit, and I’ll keep saying that over and over as I do it until I start to breathe deeply on my own, and for me the good shit is the light, it’s my higher power, the force that guides me, protects me, and wants the best for me. I envision that coming in, filling me up, and circulating through my body. When I do this, my anxiety, my stress, goes down, and I just continue to focus on that until I feel I can move on.

It’s a great trick to remember when you feel anger, or anxiety, or frustration creep up, to visualize it leaving your body, to visualize that you’re forcing it out, to make room for something better. I’ve spoken about this before, but a trick I use is I put one hand on my abdomen and one hand on my heart, and as I’m breathing, I focus on only moving the hand on my abdomen because if that hand is moving that means I am breathing deeply, and correctly, and it always calms me down. A good one to do when you’re lying in bed, or while you’re stuck in traffic.

Since, for many of us, our mind goes to the negative before the positive, it’s a concept that seems to work for a lot of us, to focus on the exhale before the inhale, sometimes it’s just easier to get rid of something before we’re able to take something in, and by the nature of our bodies, if we do exhale we will automatically inhale and set ourselves up to get that oxygen flow, and positivity flowing throughout our bodies.

Get rid of the bad, and take in the good. Breathe SLAYER breathe.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you notice a difference in your breath when you’re feeling anxious or stressed out? Do you focus on breathing deeply? If not, why? Try to focus on that next time you feel that stress creep up, that tightening of the throat and chest, try a big exhale and inhale, envisioning letting out the bad, and taking in the good. Continue to be mindful of your breath SLAYER, it is our breath that gives us life, and also gives us a calmness we can use to walk through any circumstance. SLAY on!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slayer Say

Good Morning SLAYER! When our intentions are in the right place, and we know what other people’s intentions are, we are less likely to cause or run into problems because of miscommunication or lack thereof. Make sure you let your intentions be known and don’t be afraid to ask what someone else’s are. Everyone has their own reasons for getting involved and when you know the facts, you are safe.

New blog goes up Sunday…until then, SLAY on!

State Of Slay Intentions

Slayer Say

Good Morning SLAYER! What or whom watches over you today? Connect with your Higher Power today and give thanks.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Higher Power

A Power Greater Than Myself

I should be dead. Well, I probably should be dead a few times over, but in one particular case it was confirmed by medical professionals. Looking back there were many times in my life when something or someone seemed to be looking out for me, probably more than I really know, and until I started on this path I never really believed that I deserved to have anything look out for me, I wasn’t worthy in my eyes, but it’s interesting that, even believing that, when I knew I was in real trouble, and had stopped caring about myself, and what that meant, I reached out and asked for help, to what or whom I did not know, I just screamed out through a stream of tears in my living room, “I can’t do this anymore, I need help, help me!” When I woke up the next morning I literally heard a voice say, “you’re done,” and something just clicked in my head and I thought, “OK,” what that meant to me was I was done living my life the way I had been, lying to everyone and stuffing everything down inside was a big part of it, so I picked up the phone and asked a friend I trusted for help. That started my journey to self-love and healing.

I wouldn’t say I’m a religious person, but I would say I’m spiritual. Over the last 11 years plus years I have formed a relationship of my own understanding that connects me with my spiritually. Sounds pretty elusive I know, when people reach out to me to ask me how I know something out there has my back, I say to them, I have many reasons, there are many times I was saved from something, or myself, but this one in particular is pretty hard to ignore. This is a true story of what happened to me a few years ago, what happened changed me forever, and because of what happened, I am writing State Of Slay.

It was President’s Day, a long weekend. I was in Los Angeles and feeling lost, feeling out of sorts, disconnected. I had been to a wedding at the beach a few days before and had thought to myself, I live in LA and I never to go the beach, when I was a teenager I went often, it settled my nerves, and quieted my mind, I never do that here, I wonder why. So, on this holiday Monday when my nerves needed settling, I decided to set out for the beach, in Malibu. I drove down the winding roads and found a spot to park along the Pacific Coast Highway. I left my cell phone in the car thinking, I don’t need it, I just want to be one with the ocean. I took my car keys and a bottle of water and headed down to the beach, found a quiet spot away from the crowds and took in the waves and sand. I finally found some peace. So much so I hadn’t noticed how long I had been sitting there and that everyone else had gone home.

I got up to start walking back to the car and the beach, the one I had walked on a few hours before, was gone. The tide had come in. I looked up the beach the other way and it was a long way before there was another set of stairs going back to the highway and the sun was rapidly going down. I thought, well, how deep could the water be, I had walked on the sand hours only a few hours before, I’ll just walk through it. All I remember next is thinking two things as I stepped into the water, a) wow, the water is really cold, and b) the current is really strong. The next few things I remember are only quick flashes of memory, some were very clearly hallucinations, but I remember being cold, wet, in pain, and scared.

My next very clear memory is sitting on the beach in the dark, soaking wet, shaking uncontrollably, and not being able to stand up, my limbs had stopped working, my body was shutting down from hypothermia. I sat there looking far down the beach to see the lights of the Santa Monica Pier and the Ferris wheel going around thinking, there are people on that pier having a great night, laughing, having fun, and I’m sitting here dying, alone, in the dark. There was nothing I could do to help myself, I did have flashes of being in the ocean, and of crawling out, my shins each having huge welts from knee to ankle from my skin sliding along the wet sand. I sat there angry, angry at “God,” the universe, whom or whatever! How dare you have me go through everything I have, fight to overcome it just to kill me on a beach alone, F**k you, I thought. I sat in my anger for a while, but I was beat. I looked up at the stars and said, “I surrender, you got me, there’s nothing I can do, I can’t even stand up, I surrender.” At that moment I heard that same voice and it said, “it’s going to be OK,” I didn’t know what that meant exactly, but I felt this wave of calm and peace come over me, and I sat there looking at up the stars thinking I was going to die there alone.

I woke up to bright white lights and suddenly a woman’s face that said “she’s awake!” I thought I was dead. I truly did. There was a lot of activity around me suddenly and a barrage of questions. Who was I? What happened to me? Did I know where I was? I didn’t know any of the answers, including who I was. It was terrifying. I looked down to see I was wearing a wrist band that said “Jane Doe,” I knew that was wrong but I didn’t know what my name was. I was told I was in emergency in Santa Monica, that a man had found me unconscious on the beach in the morning, I had been out in the elements all night, and that he called 911, insisted on travelling in the ambulance with me, had stayed in emergency, but had since left. I was asked who he was, and in that moment I saw a picture, not a memory of him, but a picture of a man and I heard that voice again, it said “angel.” I didn’t know who I was but I knew enough not to blurt that out loud. I said, I didn’t know.

Later when my doctor arrived she had said, well, this is exactly what she said, “well Carrie, if you were a cat you just blew eight lives, I don’t know how you’re alive and here right now.” I had a major concussion, head trauma and severe hypothermia, I was dehydrated, and, had amnesia, I had only remembered my name by the afternoon, I still couldn’t tell them where I was or what year it was, I just didn’t know, and I certainly didn’t know the details of what had happened, I still don’t.

It was determined, by the neurologist, that I must have fallen when I stepped into the water and hit my head on a rock, that I got pulled into the ocean in a state of unconsciousness or semi-unconsciousness, fought my way back to the beach, or just got spit out by the ocean, and had battled the elements all night and into the morning before I was found.

I was told I should have drowned or succumbed to hypothermia, or both, but for some reason I didn’t.

I struggled with that. Why did I survive? It took me a long time to find an answer to that, it took a lot of counselling, journaling, and a lot of meditation.

But the point of this story today is that, when someone asks me why I believe in a power greater than myself I say, I should be dead, but somehow, after being thrown around in the ocean all night, spit out onto the sand, and someone I don’t know, and will ever know, found me and made sure I was safe, how can I not believe that something or someone is looking out for me? When I had no power to take care of myself, something or someone else did.

Back to my answer of why I survived. I believe it is to be of service, to share a message of strength and hope to those who may need it, to tell my story and share with others, and what came out of that realization is this blog, which is just a start, but a step to say thank you for my life, a life that something or someone thought was worth saving. Each word I type in each blog is my gratitude, my way of saying thank you, to that force that watches over me.

I too think your life is worth saving, in fact I know it is, and I am happy to have you come and sit with me on this beach anytime, if you haven’t found that force, or voice yet you will, if you try, and until then I want you to know, it’s going to be OK.

SLAY OF THE DAY: How’s your spirituality SLAYER? Do you feel connected to something you feel wants the best for you or guides you? If not, why? Try to look for the times in your life that you feel a power greater than yourself may have stepped in and helped or guided you. Keep looking for those times SLAYER, what signs do you see? If you’re having trouble finding that force in your life, use us, us SLAYERS, because together we are far more powerful than you alone, let this group of warriors, survivors, be your power, until you find one of your own. SLAY on.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slaying Live Next Week

I’m going LIVE! That’s right SLAYERS, the second Wednesday of each month I’m going to go live and video chat with all you SLAYERS and talk all things SLAY!

You have been so inspiring and courageous in sharing your stories and struggles here on the blog and on social media, I want to open up the floor, or the web as it were, to take your questions and to talk about what the topics you want to talk about.

More details to follow on how to watch and participate so make sure you subscribe and follow so you don’t forget to join us for an hour of live SLAYER talk at 5:50pm PT / 8:30pm ET Wednesday June 14th.

To follow State Of Slay click on the menu button at the top right of the screen, pop your email address in, and you won’t miss a thing.

Until then SLAYERS….SLAY on!

Slayer Say

Happy Saturday SLAYER! New blog goes up Sunday morning, until then, show yourself love and grace today on your journey, be patient, it takes time to fill the SLAYER chest with new tools. SLAY on!

State Of Slay Forgive Yourself