danger

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Those mountains you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then… SLAY on!

Not Alone

Deny Denial

When I was living in my disease I was totally in denial about how sick I was. I would tell myself stories about how it was everyone else’s fault or that things weren’t really that bad, they were. No matter what happened, or how bad things got, I never admitted the truth to myself until I couldn’t deny it anymore because I couldn’t ignore the place I found myself. I was emotionally and spiritually bankrupt, and in grave danger of taking my own life. I think for me, because of my stubbornness and cunning ability to deny my truth, it took me falling down that low for me to finally see the problem, and to be willing to do something about it. I don’t suggest waiting that long, because things very easily could have gone a different way during that time, a more permanent way, one where I no longer had the choice to get well, but I was granted some grace, and a tiny bit of hope, to reach out my hand and finally admit the truth. And, even now, over 13 years later, my mental illness will tell me I don’t have it, that I’m OK, it still actively wants me to fall back into denial.

I wrote recently about being rigorously honest, it’s imperative for me that I live in that place, because if I start to bend the truth, or leave things out of my story, I start to deny what is really going on, of who I am today, and where I came from, and once I start doing that my disease sits up and takes notice. It waits for me to get a little lazy, or back off on my recovery and when and if I do, it peppers denial into my thoughts without me even noticing it and then starts to open the door wider to more and bigger denial, if I allow that to happen, I am in danger of falling back to where I was, or worse.

Life can be painful. There are things that can be hard to face, or admit, but if we don’t live in our truth, admit our faults, and make amends or apologize for what we’ve done denial takes over and tells us all kinds of lies that keep us sick, or isolated, or in our own heads. The truth keeps us well, healthy, and in the light, there is no place for denial in truth. Denial may feel like the safer place, especially if it’s a place we’ve lived in for a while, but it’s deceptive, denial does not keep us safe, it leaves us exposed and in harm’s way, we are only safe when we know and live in the truth.

But first we need to have the willingness to live in our truth, and to see things as they really are, not as we’d like them to be, or prefer them to be, or the story we’d rather tell. Perhaps our story is that we’re not like everyone else, even though we would prefer to be, and so it may be about finding acceptance in ourselves and who we are, and, for some of us, that we do live with some kind of mental illness, or some other health issue that may cause us shame, or difficulty, or may separate us from those around us, if we let it. We may have gotten so good rationalizing our denial, or coming up with alibis for our behavior that living in our truth may seem like a tall order, but it can be done, and needs to be done if we are to live in any kind of healthy loving way. And that brings us back to self-love. When we learn to love ourselves we learn to accept all of who we are, even those parts we used to deny, and when we are able to shine love in those places we used to hide we can truly live in the light and become our true selves.

Denial only leads to more denial, more lies, stories, and untruths. We as SLAYERS live in the light, our truth, we deny denial, we take responsibility for our actions, and we own who we are and what we do. Denial only brings us more pain, and possibly leads us down an even darker path than the one we already find ourselves on. Let go of the fear you may hold of telling your truth, and find the freedom in accepting the truth, and sharing that truth with those in your life. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you live in denial? What specifically do you refuse to accept? Why do you think you refuse to accept it? What’s stopping you? What are you afraid of? Do you see how living in denial is keeping you sick, or making you sicker? What evidence is there of this in your life? What can you do to get more honest? Write down 5 things. Find acceptance for who you are and what you may struggle with, it’s only then that we begin to step out of the shadows and start living the life that we are meant to, and are capable of having.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Hyper-Vigilance: Looking For Danger

When we’ve come from a situation, whether from our childhood or as we’ve moved through life, where we felt, or where, in danger, we move forward from that place always looking for danger. We are in a constant state of alert, always looking for what is coming next to hurt us, or knock us down. It’s a horrible place to live, and steals our peace of mind, never allowing us to fully relax and enjoy where we are if we’ve finally found good and love in our life. And even when we do, there is still an underlying concern that something is about to happen, so we always have a suspicious eye, or are constantly scanning for any signs of danger.

Living in that place is exhausting, and causes us to miss genuine moments with those we love because we’re so busy looking for, and waiting for, the next bomb to go off. I know for myself that there have been many moments from my past that have caused me to always be on the lookout of the danger that may be lurking ahead. But there is no danger. There is no danger because I have learned from my past. I’ve chosen to weed out those people in my life who wish to cause me harm, or may be insensitive to my well-being, and for those I can’t remove from my life, I have learned to set boundaries or not engage with them in a way that will allow them back into my life and give them access and have the power to wreak havoc in my life today. And yet, sometimes, I will still look for danger.

For me, it comes down to practicing self-love and contrary action. I need to put my trust in the people I have chosen to be a part of my life and when my mind wants to head into  hyper-vigilance I need to focus on the good, focus on the love around me, and focus on staying in the moment and not looking around for things that are not there. It takes time to change this behavior, and for some of us, it may never really be gone, but we can certainly work to lessen it and allow ourselves to enjoy our lives and those we’ve chosen to be in it. This is when honing our people-picker comes in to play. Of really fine-tuning our choices of those we choose to trust and assuring ourselves that we have put ourselves in safer situations, assuming that we have, because there are those of us too who will continue to put ourselves in unsafe places because that is what we know, I have been guilty of this in the past, those choices not only keep us in a place that we know, they also give us the opportunity to tell that negative narrative we also know, so, it’s about being rigorously honest with ourselves about where we find ourselves and with whom,and making sure we are making better choices, healthier choices, for ourselves today.

As SLAYERS we are the guardians of our own well-being, we need to protect our safety and make sure we are living our lives in places that allow us to be our best selves, that allow us to shine, and share our light with those around us, we can’t do that if we’re always on the look-out for danger. Make sure you are giving yourself the opportunity to live without the fear of what may be coming next, find those places in your life that you are safe, loved and encouraged and live in those places, stay in those places, and don’t let yourself believe that you deserve anything less. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you put yourself in situations that may not be safe for you? If you do, why do you do that? How does constantly being, or feeling, like you’re in danger benefit you? How does it hurt you? Do realize you are doing it to yourself? What can you do to stop it? What signs do you see that you have put yourself in danger in your life? If you are not in danger, do you still look for it? How has this damaged your relationships? What have you thought was there, but really wasn’t? Looking back, why do you think you found danger when there wasn’t any there? What can you do to stop this behavior? SLAYER, you deserve to feel safe and out of harms way, but you have to make sure you are choosing the right people and right environment to find your safety, and, that safety comes from you first by learning to trust yourself and your choices. Only you can decide what is best for you, make sure you choose wisely.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! We live inside an unfinished story…and you can change yours at at anytime.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Survival Mode

Low-Grade Unmanageability

Before stepping on this path, my life was unmanageable. I mean, I wasn’t even living life, I was just going through the motions. It was obvious to me that things weren’t good, weren’t working, and weren’t looking good, the damage I was doing to myself was evident, and so when I reached out for help I cleaned house of all the things that stood in my way of a healthy and productive life. That was a good start, but what took me some time to realize is that even after I did that, and those big road blocks to my well-being had been taken away, I was still doing damage to myself in smaller, almost undetectable ways.

A lot of us function with a low-grade unmanageability in our life, like a dull hum in the background, one you almost can’t hear, but if you stop and listen it’s there. We may not even know we’re doing it, but, it’s the little things we do to ourselves to cause stress and discomfort in our lives, because we still think that’s what we deserve, that’s where we’re at our best, or chaos is all we’ve ever known, so we silently throw some chaos in our way life confetti to create a chaos party. At this point you may be asking yourself, do I do that? We all do to an extent, and, it can be just as damaging, or possibly more so, than the big glaring ways we may make our lives unmanageable.

Low-grade unmanageablity can be things like, not leaving on time so you’re constantly racing to not be late, not opening your mail, not washing something right away before a stain sinks in, letting your insurance lapse, waiting until the last minute to start your taxes, the list goes on, there are countless ways we sabotage ourselves everyday, and keep ourselves off solid footing and in peace of mind.

In a way it’s one of the cruelest forms of cruelty we commit on ourselves because it’s so subtle, we may not even realize the extent of the damage we’re causing. We may just chalk it up to forgetfulness, or being busy, or, procrastinating, or, we’re just not good at keeping track of the small things, but those small things add up to one big problem, we are damaging ourselves, and preventing ourselves from being our best selves. It is a way to keep harming ourselves, but we disguise it as something else. It can be very deceptive, or we can possibly know exactly what we’re doing and do it anyways. There are so many ways to practice this low-grade unmanageablity in our lives that we may lose sight of how many different ways we’re doing it.

When we are not taking the next right action, or stepping up to a responsibility, or not doing what’s best for us, we are possibly putting ourselves in danger, and it may not be physical, although it can be, but many times it’s just that hum, that annoying hum that keeps us agitated enough that we can’t find our peace, our happy place, but we are the ones who are doing it, and we are the ones who have the power to stop it. Make a commitment today to identify the low-grade unmanageablity in your life, what damage are you doing that you can turn around to give yourself that best chance of a healthy life? What little bumps can you take away that will give you a smoother road to travel? You may be setting yourself up for failure SLAYER, one tiny action at a time.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Can you identify the ways that you might create low-grade unmanageablility in your life? Why do you think you do this? How does it harm you or cause you stress or pain? How can you stop doing those things? Do you want to stop doing those things? If not, why not? SLAYER, there are many things we do not have control over, so why do we put roadblocks up for ourselves to keep us from being our best? Identify the ways you can clean up your side of the street, and keep your road to happiness free of any obstacles you may put in your own way. SLAY on!

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER!  When we act on self-righteous anger we are in danger of hurting ourselves, and those around us. You are in charge of how you react, and who you choose to engage with. Choose wisely.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Anger