Self Help

In The Doing, Something Happens

We’ve all heard the saying, “fake it til you make it.” It’s something I have used in the past when I’m unsure about something but know I need to find a way to accept it, or a way to do it, but sometimes people have a problem with the word “fake,” and I understand that, we as SLAYERS are meant to live as our authentic selves, so how can we do that if we are faking something? Valid point. But instead of “faking” it, why not look at it as just doing it, just doing it even if you don’t believe it will help, just doing even if you don’t know if it will work, just, well, do it. Sometimes in the act of just doing it, something happens, an understanding, a revelation, and a belief that we can. In the doing, something happens.

When I first stepped on this path, a lot of things were suggested to me that didn’t sound like anything I wanted to do, or things that seemed like they wouldn’t help. I was told to do them anyway. To go through the motions and see how I felt. It felt fake to me. I thought, if I don’t believe, or want to do this, how will this help? But it did. The things that were suggested for me did help, they helped me to get out of my comfort zone and reach out, to share my truth, to connect with other people who were also on the same path, and to give back. Give back. At a time I thought I had nothing to offer, I did, and by just doing it I realized that no matter how low I may have felt, there was someone out there that may feel lower, and might look to me for inspiration, and in just doing, I not only helped someone else, but I helped myself, and I started to believe. In the act of just doing, taking the suggestions and just doing them, miracles happened. I started to feel better, I started to have self-esteem, I started to connect with people and didn’t feel so alone, I began to see some light in the darkness. In the doing, something happened.

It’s not a matter of believing to get started, it’s merely the act itself that can bring you to believe, and sometimes, that’s all we have. For me, my life depended on me just doing it, the voices in my head were still so loud, telling me it wouldn’t work, and I just yelled back louder, “I’m going to try!” Sometimes we’re so set in our old ways, or so afraid, or so determined to fail that we don’t believe things can get better, we shoot the suggestions down before we even start, but if we can get ourselves to just begin, to inch forward, to just do it, incredible things start to happen. And, although it may feel scary, or strange, or awkward, we’ve all felt those things before, and we’ve all survived them, so push through them and SLAY on, learn to find your comfortableness in the uncomfortableness, learn to find excitement there, learn to love that feeling of being unsure but trusting it’s right, learn to believe.

Every new chapter, every victory, every new life begins with taking action, there are always a million reasons to not do something, but there are a million and one to start, that one is you, and that is the most important one. You are worth it. You matter. You can and will make a difference. Just do it. You hold the key to your own freedom, but you have to turn the key in the lock you’ve created, turn it, walk through, and set yourself free.

You don’t have to have all the answers. You don’t have to have it all figured out. It’s about taking it one moment at a time, one step at a time, one action at a time, and as you do you’ll gain momentum, you’ll gain confidence, you’ll gain freedom. All you have to do, is do.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Are there things in your life you know are good for you, or better for you, that you just don’t start? Why? What’s stopping you? What if you chose one and just did it? Just started, even if you didn’t know what the result would be? What do you think could go wrong? What do you think could go right? Do it SLAYER! Even if things don’t go as you would like them to, you still learn, and maybe within that lesson is the solution you’re looking for. But, you’ll never know unless you start. Just do it and SLAY on!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Place Importance On Important Things

We see this all the time, people in dire need of something or someone, reaching out frantically, putting up emergency posts, IN ALL CAPS, with lots of punctuation, only to find that it’s just something they want, not a necessity. Or, they make a big deal out of something that really isn’t, causing themselves anxiety, heartache, and pain needlessly because it shouldn’t be given so much weight in the first place. Or maybe we are guilty of those things. Causing drama, panic among our friends, when it really isn’t necessary.  I think we all can be from time to time. We get used to something being a certain way, or we convince ourselves that it has to be one way or everything is off, or will go wrong, or something catastrophic will happen, but will it? Or are these just things we put too much importance on in our lives?

What is important? Things we need to live, food, water, family, loved ones, a roof over our heads, safety, these are some of the things that are important. For many of us, it’s easy to lose sight of what is truly important, and what we deem as important because it’s the way we want it to be, or the way we’d like to be, or because everyone else seems to have it or is going where we want to go. But what is important is not loosing sight of what really is important.

The important things in life change for all of us, but there are four simple ones that apply to everyone, and when we focus on these things, the rest fall into perspective.

Your health. Not taking care of yourself and your health will not only limit the time you have to live your life but it will impact the quality of life you have, and your ability to enjoy it and those things you love. Ultimately, your heath, mental and otherwise, is most important thing in your life, and should be protected and nourished daily, making sure you are getting what you need to thrive, grow, and live the live you want to live. Make sure you are taking care of you, in every way that you need to to be your best, most effective, useful you.

Your self-love. Finding and owning your self and loving yourself is also one of the important things in life. Self love is a major part of our foundation as human beings. It grounds us. Gives us strength. Confidence. We make stronger, better choices, because we are doing what’s best of for us, not what’s expected, or what looks good from the outside, or what will impress others, we do what works for the lifestyle we want to live, and for the people we are and who we strive to be.

Your relationships. Life is about relationships, the connections and communication we have with others, whether it be friends, family, or co-workers, invest in the relationships in your life, or, find some worth investing in. Spending time with actual people, not the computer screen or phone, getting out and connecting, socializing, doing things that you love, sharing, is what makes our lives richer, and reminds us that we are not alone, it add to our foundation and fortifies us when life gets tough, relationships teach us who we are, who we want to be, and, take us to where we want to go. All important.

Living your purpose and dreams. When we’re taking care of our own needs, finding love in ourselves, and surrounding ourselves with supportive, like-minded people, we are on track to finding out who we are and what our purpose is in life. I know for myself, it was through my journey of self-love and healing that I became aware that my purpose was to be of service to others who may be struggling, I never would have figured that out had I not found my way through the first three things on this list. When we feel good, when we feel love, and when we give love, we become open to finding a meaning in who we are, in finding a purpose and how we can be most effective. We learn what values are most important to us and how we can apply those to our dreams, or find new ones. It’s important to dream, there is a reason we are drawn to certain people, places, and things, question that, pursue that, and use the knowledge you have gained about yourself and those around you to go after your dreams and make them a reality.

Having all of these in place, it’s time to take action, and to remember, what is really important in life, it’s not the stuff, it’s not the activities you feel you’re missing out on, it’s not something only having to be one specific way, it’s your health, self-love, relationships, and your purpose and dreams, everything else is gravy, so put the importance on life on the important things and with everything else, go with the flow and let things go, you’ll be happier when you do, and, you just might learn a thing or two about you.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you place importance on unimportant things? Do you think everything you want and need is important? Do you see that perhaps not everything on your list is important? List the important things on your list? List the things that may not be important but are nice to have or you like to have? Do you see the difference? It’s easy to get caught up in wanting and having things, but life is actually really simple SLAYER when you allow yourself to see it that way, and when you focus on the truly important things, you’ll probably find that many of those things you would like to have may just come your way as a result of you taking care of yourself and investing in your relationships and your hopes and dreams. SLAY on.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Self-Righteous Anger

We’ve all been there.

That moment when you feel completely justified.
You warned them. You told them what would happen. And now—here you are, furious, ready to let loose with every ounce of frustration you’ve stored up.

You’re 100% right…
And still, something feels 100% wrong.

That’s the tricky thing about anger.
It might feel powerful in the moment—but often, it leaves you feeling more hollow than healed.

Prefer to listen? The Audio Blog version is available here.

 

Our Reactions Are Our Responsibility

If you have a problem with someone, the truth is: that problem is yours to manage.

You decide:

  • Who you engage with

  • How far you let them in

  • What boundaries you set

There will always be people we have to interact with—coworkers, family members, even acquaintances we didn’t choose. But even in those cases, we are still the ones who determine how much access they have to our energy.

This blog connects back to so many past entries:

  • People Picker – choosing aligned connections

  • Ask For What You Want – clearly stating your needs

  • Intentions: The Truthseeker – staying honest about your “why”

  • Finding Grace in the Gray Areas – learning to live in nuance

It all comes back to this: we are in charge of how we engage.

When We Engage to Feel Superior

Sometimes we step into situations knowing they won’t end well.

Why?
Because deep down, we’re looking for a reason to get angry.
To say “I told you so.”
To feel superior, righteous—even if it’s just for a moment.

Anger, in this form, is seductive.
It gives us a temporary hit of control, of power.
But it fades.
And once it does, we’re left with the truth: we used that anger to fill something inside us.
A need. A hurt. A void.

And it didn’t work.

Lashing Out Isn’t Leadership

When you feel like lashing out, when you feel morally superior, when you want to “teach someone a lesson”—pause.

Ask yourself:

  • Could I have avoided this situation?

  • Did I knowingly enter this dynamic?

  • Am I trying to justify my anger by proving someone wrong?

A lot of self-righteous anger comes from the need to control.
But here’s the hard truth: we can’t control anyone else.
We only control ourselves.

Trying to control others will always lead to the same outcome:

  • Disappointment

  • Resentment

  • Frustration

  • Anger

That’s not power.
That’s a cycle.

Break the Cycle with Compassion

The way out is through awareness, compassion, and boundaries.

We avoid self-righteous anger by:

  • Engaging with people who align with us

  • Setting boundaries with those who don’t

  • Letting go of the illusion that anger makes us strong

  • Staying open, flexible, and willing to grow

  • Being clear with others—and honest with ourselves

And most importantly: not exploding when someone behaves exactly as they always have.

Wishful thinking won’t change a pattern.
Anger won’t either.
But self-awareness will.

Anger Is a Signal, Not a Strategy

Righteous anger might feel satisfying in the moment.
But if the goal is to belittle someone, to control them, or to make yourself feel bigger—it’s not righteous. It’s a reaction.

And reactions are usually about us, not them.

As SLAYERS, we take responsibility for that.
We engage with kindness.
We communicate with clarity.
We protect our energy by refusing to get pulled into battles we don’t need to fight.

So if you’re angry—own it.
Sit with it.
Figure out where it’s coming from.

Then SLAY that dragon—and walk forward in peace.

SLAY Reflection: Are You Fueling the Fire?

  1. Do you knowingly get involved with people or situations that you expect will upset you?
    Why do you think you do that?

  2. Does your anger give you a sense of control or superiority?
    What do you think it’s really covering up?

  3. How does this behavior affect your relationships and your self-esteem?
    What’s the cost?

  4. What would change if you chose not to engage the next time anger arises?
    How could you protect your peace instead?

  5. What would your life look like if you honored your boundaries instead of your ego?
    Can you write down the benefits of releasing the need to be right?

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
When was a time you caught yourself reacting from anger instead of truth—and what did you learn from it?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who’s working on letting go of the need to be right, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.

Contrary Action

When I first began this path, I had to rewire the way I thought—completely.

My mind defaulted to negativity. It convinced me people were against me. It whispered that I’d never make it, that I didn’t belong, that failure was inevitable. And because I believed it, I acted on it. That belief nearly cost me everything.

So when I committed to healing—to getting better, to learning how to love myself and live differently—I had to learn something new: contrary action.

Prefer to listen? The Audio Blog version is available here.

What Is Contrary Action?

Quite simply, contrary action means doing the opposite of what you would normally do—especially if what you’ve always done hasn’t brought you peace, joy, or healing.

It’s breaking patterns.
It’s pausing before reacting.
It’s asking: What’s the loving, honest response here?

That pause is the magic.

At State of Slay™, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again—life is not a game show.
There is no prize for the fastest answer.
And most of the time, our fastest answer is coming from an old wound or old wiring.

A Different Way to Respond

In the beginning, I had to practice contrary action nearly every time I opened my mouth—or even thought about opening my mouth.
It didn’t come naturally. In fact, it felt strange.
Awkward. Uncomfortable. Like backing down.

But here’s what I learned:

  • I wasn’t backing down—I was growing up.
  • I wasn’t avoiding conflict—I was choosing peace.
  • I wasn’t shrinking—I was showing up for myself in a new, more aligned way.

Old me might’ve lied to get what I wanted, manipulated to stay in control, or started a fight just to feel something.
New me? Learned to take a breath. To tell the truth. To walk away if needed.
That shift changed everything.

Building a New Foundation

Practicing contrary action gave me something I hadn’t had in a long time: self-esteem.

Every time I did the right thing—even when it felt weird or hard—it built a new brick in the foundation I now stand on.
And once I started building that self-esteem, I didn’t want to do things that tore it down.

Was it always easy? No.
Did I mess up sometimes? Absolutely.
But the more I practiced contrary action, the more I started to trust myself—and life began to open up in ways I couldn’t have imagined.

10 Ways to Practice Contrary Action

Here are a few simple ways you can try it today:

  1. Give someone a compliment when you’re feeling jealous or insecure.
  2. Own your part instead of seeking revenge.
  3. Take a walk instead of reaching for something to numb the feeling.
  4. Breathe deeply instead of lashing out.
  5. Visualize the life you want instead of reliving your worst decisions.
  6. Remember a win when fear tells you to quit.
  7. Take time for yourself instead of saying there’s never enough time.
  8. Say no with love instead of saying yes out of guilt.
  9. Go to bed instead of scrolling endlessly.
  10. Speak about dreams instead of gossip.

Each time you choose contrary action, you’re choosing yourself.
You’re choosing growth.
You’re choosing a future that looks nothing like your past.

SLAY Reflection: Where Can You Shift?

  1. Do you tend to react quickly without thinking?
    What’s usually the result?
  2. Have old patterns led you into places you didn’t want to go?
    How did it feel?
  3. What could’ve gone differently if you had paused—or chosen contrary action?
  4. Where in your life could you try the opposite of what you’d normally do?
    How might that change things?
  5. Who can you talk to when you’re unsure how to respond?
    Could their insight offer a healthier way forward?

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
What’s one way you can practice contrary action this week—especially when your first instinct is to go back to old patterns?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who’s stuck in the same old loops, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a new way to move forward.

F.E.A.R. – Run Or Rise?

F.E.AR. has two meanings, F**k Everything And Run, or Face Everything And Rise. I know before I walked this path the first one was my go-to method of operation, and if I didn’t run, I fought, it was almost better that I ran. It was not great. My whole life was run by fear, fear of not getting what I wanted, fear of having what I did have taken away, fear I was missing out, fear I would be found out, just fear, a thousands forms of fear. I didn’t realize until I started to get better, and started to not let fear run my life, how much control it had over me, how much it dictated what my decisions were going to be, how much it held me back from living my life and connecting with people.

You see, fear isn’t real. Fears are lies we tell ourselves, or those voices that talk to us, that bullshit committee that tries to keep us isolated and alone, fears are not facts, and as SLAYERS we make our decisions based on the facts, not the fear of them. We also use fears as excuses, excuses to not try something, or to take responsibility for something, or to not step out of our comfort zone, but fear isn’t our friend, it’s not protecting us, it’s holding us back, it’s preventing us from living the life we want for ourselves, and the life we can have if only we stop listening to our fears. Because when we do conquer them we do rise, we rise above them, and we rise above the place where fears held us back, and down, we move forward, and upward.

For me it was about contrary action, of acknowledging the fear, trying to identify where it was coming from, and then doing the opposite of what I wanted to do. Of doing what I knew to be right, or just, or what was going to move me forward. And that was scary, but it felt so good when I would it, when I would push through and realize that it wasn’t really that bad, or, had turned out better than I had, well, feared. I started to see how my fears weren’t real, they weren’t the truth, that by me walking through them I was becoming stronger, and clearer, and I was learning to trust myself more, and in doing that I felt a lot less fear.

Fear now for me is a sign I’m not taking care of myself, because when I am I have trust and faith that things are unfolding as they are supposed to and when I know that I’ve done the footwork, everything I can do to reach a goal. Settle, or make a situation clear, then I shouldn’t be having fear, fear is an old concept or idea that no longer serves me, an old behavior that pops up which I know to be irrational and not true, so the question I now ask myself is, why is it popping up, what do I need to address? And, that is a lot more manageable than the unmanageability of fear I lived with every day for most of my life. Now, I have tools to work through that fear, to know it isn’t real, and to not let it hurt me. Today I know that if I walk through my fear I will rise and by doing so I can help others do the same, to lead by example that we don’t need to live in fear, an example that was shown to me by countless people when I was ready to see it. We walk tall as SLAYERS, we don’t stand in our own way, we grab our swords and our shields and we trudge forward, through the fire, because on the other side of that fire, is paradise, a paradise where we take our life and power back. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: What does fear mean to you? How does it come up in your life? Does it control your decisions and actions? Why? Why do you let it? What are you afraid of? Are those rational fears? Are they fears you can take action against and defeat? How so? Why aren’t you taking action against your fears? What’s stopping you? It’s time, SLAYER, that you rise above, that you look your fears in the eye and say no more, it’s time for you to walk through those fears and take your life back, it’s time to Face Everything And Rise.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Don’t Play Victim To The Circumstances You Created

Let’s get real for a moment.

We don’t always make the best choices. Sometimes we act on impulse. Sometimes we ignore red flags. And sometimes, even with every sign pointing us in a better direction, we choose to go the other way—and then cry foul when things fall apart.

But here’s the truth: if we knowingly put ourselves in a bad situation, we don’t get to play the victim when the outcome isn’t what we hoped for.

That might sound harsh, but it’s a lesson many of us—myself included—have had to learn the hard way.

Prefer to listen? The Audio Blog version is available here.

Owning Our Choices

Back when I was living in the dark, I made a lot of questionable choices. And truthfully, I often knew they weren’t the right ones. But I made them anyway. Why? Because deep down I believed I didn’t deserve good things. I believed I was broken. So I acted in ways that reinforced that belief—sabotaging myself, then turning around and asking why the world was so unfair.

What I was really doing was manipulating the narrative to fit the story I had already decided about myself:
I’m a bad person. Bad things happen to me. I deserve it.

It was a cycle of self-sabotage. And every time it backfired—as I knew it would—I’d call out for sympathy. And when that didn’t come fast enough or in the way I wanted? I felt even more victimized.

Sound familiar?

A New Way Forward

Everything changed when I started believing I was worthy of love—and that I deserved good things. When I embraced self-worth, my decision-making shifted. I started making choices that supported the life I wanted, not the one I feared I was stuck in.

Were those decisions always easy? No. But they were rooted in truth. In integrity. In strength.

When we know better and choose better, we don’t need to cry out for sympathy—we stand in our power. We hold ourselves accountable. And we become the kind of person we’re proud of.

You Are Not a Victim of Yourself

This isn’t about perfection. We all mess up. We all learn. Life will always throw curveballs—some we never saw coming. But there’s a difference between an honest misstep and a willful march toward chaos.

If you’ve been given the tools, the truth, the gut feeling—and you still go against it—own the outcome.

That’s not failure. That’s growth.

So when you find yourself at a crossroads, pause. Ask:

  • Am I acting from fear, or from love?
  • Is this the path I truly believe will serve me, or am I just clinging to comfort?

Make decisions from your strength—not your sabotage.

Stand tall. Stand proud. And take responsibility for the life you’re building—one choice at a time.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Reflect & Rise

Do you make decisions that you know aren’t in your best interest?

  • What drives those choices?
  • Do you expect others to rescue you when things go wrong?
  • How do you feel when people don’t show up the way you want them to?
  • What would it look like to choose differently next time?
  • Write a list of 5 reasons you deserve good things in your life. Keep it close.
    Let those reasons guide you toward better choices—choices that bring you peace, not pain.

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
What’s one shift you’ve made that helped you stop sabotaging your peace and start standing in your power?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who keeps repeating the same patterns, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a reminder that we’re worth the work.

Before You Do Something, Say Something

I used to sit alone and ponder all of kinds of brilliant ideas about life, about who I was, and what I was going to do. As I slide down deeper and deeper into darkness, those ideas became more and more morose, and ultimately destructive, but because I wasn’t sharing them with anyone they sounded like the truth, like my best options, and the solution to all my problems. I thought that no one else would understand, that people would think I was crazy, or judge me, so I kept quiet, continuing to stew in my own frustration, loneliness, and self-loathing. I had a plan and I wasn’t about to ruin it by telling anyone. Luckily for me something compelled me to finally share, and I did before moving forward with my plan, with the tiny bit of light left in me, I did reach out to someone I trusted and I told them what was going on, that conversation saved my life.

It’s easy to believe the voices in our heads, the negative bullshit committee that pipes up whenever we are feeling low, with all kinds of ideas and negative affirmations to make us feel even lower than we already do, and are meant to keep us away from the ones we love, and who love us. They are exactly that, bullshit, they are not the truth, they are telling us lies, stories, to fit the narrative they want us to believe, that we are garbage, that no one cares, that we are better off alone, or not here, but that’s not the truth, none of it! When that committee pipes up that’s a sign to reach out, to practice contrary action and talk to someone, to make plans with someone to do something you like to do, or, just ask someone to listen. Do the opposite of what you want to do. Sometimes taking that step is the like trying to walk with weighted shoes, but when you fight for that step into the light, each step will get easier, it will become less of a chore, and will scare you less. Reach out, and tell people what is going on for you that day.

My negative committee still chimes in, almost every day, it loves to chatter on telling me things that I don’t care to listen to, it takes a commitment on my part to not listen, to tell them to shut up because I’m not interested in what they have to say. For me, I have a few tools in my SLAY chest to keep them quiet; self-care, speaking my truth, giving back, and living in gratitude. If I am practicing these things, those voices don’t get very loud, and even if they do, I can focus on something positive to quiet them down. But, there have been times that nothing I do seems to get them to go away, and that’s when it’s important to tell someone about it, to not suffer long, and to be brave and share my truth with others. As I’ve said before, when we talk about something it looses it’s power over us, it does, it no longer has us shackled to it like some grotesque secret, it’s out, and within the process of letting it go there is a place for a solution to be found.

No one has an excuse to suffer in silence. There are so many people and outlets available to aid us in our times of need. Whether it’s through friends or family, clergy, support groups, hotlines, social media groups or pages, a social worker, counsellor, or just a neighbor, there is always someone available to listen, and if the first try doesn’t work, try again, if the second try doesn’t work, try again, you’ll get who you are meant to talk to, even if it takes a few extra tries. I was able to turn my life around because I made one phone call, and that phone call set out a chain of events that has gotten me here, to this place, to a place of living in the light, and a place where I can sit down and write this blog.

If you feel alone and that you have no one to talk to, find the courage to reach out and find someone who will, they are out there, and so is a bigger better life for you if you choose to take it. SLAY on.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you reach out to others when you are feeling down? If not, why? What do you think will happen if you do? Are there maybe a better group of people you could be reaching out to? Make a list of people or organizations you feel you could reach out to in times of crises. Do you feel that you matter? If not, why? You DO matter. There is no need for you to suffer alone, there are countless others who feel like you do and think like you do, but are living productive positive lives, I am one of them, it just takes you reaching out and sharing who you are and what’s going on. Before you do something you can’t take back, do something that you might not have done, tell someone, I, along with the other SLAYERS will light your path as you find our way home.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Emotional Vampires: They’ve Come To Suck Your Life

We’ve all encountered them, we may have been them from time to time, or maybe we still are. For me, before setting out on this path I would isolate more than anything, but I do see times when I held people hostage, wanting and needing attention because I was feeling empty and less than. Emotional vampires are out there, looking to lock us in and not let us go, they have many tactics and try different angles to engage with us and suck us in to their life with no intention of letting us go. How do we know we’ve encountered an emotional vampire? We feel it, we feel like the life has literally been sucked out of us, they feed off of us, our energy, our interest, or caring natures, and keep taking until we are depleted, exhausted, and can’t take anymore. It is up to us to spot these vampires and not let them take control of time and energy, to set a boundary with them, and, even better, to recognize them for what they are and not engage with them in the first place.

So, who are the emotional vampires? They come in various forms, they may come in the form of Continuous Chatter. This person is always talking, always has something to say, and typically talks so fast, and over you that you never get a word in edgewise. They also can be space invaders, talk so close to us that they invade our personal space, putting us on edge and while we’re trying to get away. We all know these people, they’re only concerned with talking about themselves and what’s happening with them, they never ask you what’s happening for you and how you are, and even if they do, they just talk over you with something else they think is more important. Then there’s the Drama Mama. Everything with these people is a 911 emergency, a breaking news event full of headlines, sirens, and epic details, even if they’re just walking the dog. These people always have something going on, something amazing, or something devastating they just need to tell you about, again, never really wanting your opinion unless it consists of praise or consolation, but only if you’re brief, there’s always more to their story. There’s the Egoist. The person who thinks the world revolves around them, that everything they are doing is bigger, better, and brag worthy, they are out to impress, and if you don’t give them what they want, they turn mean and ugly, shooting arrows at you and claiming you’re jealous of their accomplishments and life. There’s also the Victim or Martyr, always hard done by, always had the best of intentions, but were quashed, thrown to the side like trash, the world is always against them and they’re looking to you for validation as a friend, and again, never letting the conversation steer anywhere in your direction, for fear that you could take the spotlight from this constant victim. And then there’s the Master Manipulator. This person is constantly trying to control the narrative, control how you feel by invalidating your feelings and turning the spotlight back to them. No matter what we say, they are there to offer their unsolicited advice to show us how we’re living life wrong and they’ve got all the solutions. Any of these sound familiar?

So, how do we protect ourselves from these people? Well, we need to asses who these people are and decide whether or not they stay in our lives, if some of them do, we need to recognize what they’re doing, and, we need to set boundaries with them to protect our own life, peace, and serenity. Typically these people are very limited emotionally, they don’t get emotionally connected and involved, so it’s important that we don’t either. Once you’ve identified who they are and what they want, you have to counter that, so if they often cut you off it’s up to you to speak up and let them know that you’re willing to listen, but they always have to be willing to listen to you as well, to your thoughts, opinions, concerns, whatever you may have going on in your life at that time. It’s also about letting them know that your time is valuable, if it isn’t a good time to talk, if you’re working, if you’re with your family, or in the middle of something, let them know that, excuse yourself from the conversation. If they’re insisting on talking and telling you what to do you have every right to tell them that it isn’t a good time, you can thank them for their advice but tell them you need to work through it on your own. Don’t be afraid to be assertive, this is your time, energy, and serenity you’re protecting, and it, as well as you, are important. Don’t be shy about protecting yourself and your peace of mind.

At the end of the day this again goes back to my blog People Picker, it’s about making sure we’re choosing the right people to share our lives with, we need to be on the lookout for Emotional Vampires, and spot the signs of what they are and what they’re trying to do, when we are able to pinpoint it, we are able to counter their behavior with healthy choices for ourselves, and also look for the signs when we might be slipping into some of their behavior looking for an outside fix to an inside problem. Stay open, honest, and in the light, the vampires don’t like it there. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you have Emotional Vampires in your life? Write down all the people who fall into this category and write down which one or ones they are? Have you fallen prey to their actions in the past? How so? What can you do to protect yourself in the future? How have you been an Emotional Vampire in the past? What do you think you were looking for and why? How can you make sure you don’t continue that behavior in the future? Be strong in who you are, and project yourself from anyone who does not respect you, your time, and your peace of mind.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

It’s OK To Say You Don’t Know

I used to think I always had to have an answer for everything, so if I didn’t I would make one up or rush to judgement. I was always afraid to say I didn’t know, or wasn’t sure about something, like life was a game show and if I didn’t have an answer a loud buzzer was going to go off pronouncing me a bigger loser than I already thought I was. Life isn’t a game show, and sometimes we don’t know, and, that’s OK.

There’s so much freedom in saying we don’t know, it takes the pressure off of always have to know, to have an opinion, or to have an answer right there on the spot. Sometimes it does take time, sometimes we need more information, and sometimes, we just don’t know. I had a close friend who I admired a lot for the way she handled things she wasn’t sure of, I remember asking her about a situation I was going through, something I was struggling with and asked for her guidance and opinion on it, she turned to me and said, “Carrie I don’t know, but let’s find the answer,” I thought, wow, what an incredible response, one I appreciated for it’s honesty and her openness to learn with me and investigate further. And that’s how I try to look at things I don’t know, an investigation, going back to what I’ve talked about in the past, finding out the facts, what  I know to be true, and once I’ve got all of that I then can usually find an answer, even if my answer still is, I don’t know, I need more time. Life, many times, isn’t black or white, as I’ve mentioned, so it isn’t always clear on what the next right thing is, or where we stand on that. Like most things, life is a process, and sometimes that process takes time, and our process is moving at the time and speed unique to us, as is everyone else’s, so we might not have the answers that everything else may have at the same time, and that’s OK.

What we are responsible for is being true to ourselves, being honest with people in our lives, and doing the work to find the answers we need to make the best decisions, we also owe it to ourselves to let those answers come when they are meant to and not jumping the gun and blurting out something just to have an answer.

Once I got over the fear of saying I didn’t know I found a freedom there, I gave myself permission to learn and grow in that place, to discover, to find out, and that felt exciting, and I knew I would know when and what I supposed to, it took so much pressure off of me to always know everything, or to make up something that sounded like I did. I found that I was a lot less embarrassed later on or had to make less apologies because I hadn’t made up something that possibly wasn’t true just to not be the person who didn’t know. No one knows everything, the whole point of life to learn, to grow, to experience new things to help us on our journey, if we knew everything there would be nothing left to strive for, to push us, to challenge us, it’s not knowing that drives us and pushes us forward to new things, new experiences, new challenges we might never have had before.

There’s no shame in saying you don’t know, in fact, the only shame is not living your truth, and, feeling like you have to make something up to cover up who you really are and what you really think. If you don’t know, say it, you might be opening yourself up to discovering the answer with someone who also doesn’t know, opening yourself up to a new friendship, or a chance to get closer to someone already in your life who also is seeking the answers you are, or, just discovering the answers on your own, but by giving yourself the gift of time to find them you allow yourself to move forward in your own time and honor where you are at on your path or journey . That, I know.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you think you always have to have an answer? What is your fear of not having one? What are some things you don’t have an answer for? What do you think will happen if you were asked about them and you would say you didn’t know? Do you think those fears are real? Challenge yourself SLAYER to be open and honest about the things you know and don’t know, challenge yourself to say you don’t know if you don’t, and be open to finding out. SLAY on

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Sometimes A Breakdown Can Be A Breakthrough

I had always thought of a breakdown as a negative thing, but when I look back at mine, that moment when I couldn’t do it anymore, that moment where I had run out of solutions, where I was just done, I look at that moment as a blessing, it was a moment of clarity, the smallest bit of hope, and the moment when my new life was about to begin. That breakdown, as it were, was a gift, it meant that I had had enough, that I was putting a stop to the way I had been living my life and that I was finally going to reach out for help. Now, it could have gone a different way, don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t jumping for joy during this profound moment, it was scary, and very easily, without that tiny dim light inside of me, could have come to a very dark end, but it didn’t, it didn’t because I believe it had always been a part of the plan for me, that the power that I believe guides me knew that it was going to take that breakdown to finally get me on my knees and surrender to the help I needed to get better. That breakdown is always what keeps me on this path because I remember what it was like in that moment, what brought me there, and I know I never want to go back, and I also know that moment, and worse, is waiting for me if I do.

I think we as human beings put things into compartments, I talked about this in my blog Finding Grace In The Gray Areas, we like to make things “good” or “bad,” but looking back the “bad” things that happened to me all led me to the life I have now, even writing this blog, I look back and see how the “bad” led me to the “good.” Life ebbs and flows, it doesn’t stay the same, we ride the waves of good times and the waves of challenging times, but in the end it’s all the same ocean, and we’re the same people riding those waves, it’s just a matter of how we look at those waves, our perspective, of those “good” and “bad” events.

I trust now that when “bad” things happen, that they’re happening for a reason. They might be happening as a result of my actions, so there’s a lesson there, and action on my part to correct it or make an amends to do it better next time. All good. Learning is good. Or, those “bad” things could be leading me to a place of good, a place of growth, of knowledge, of moving forward to the next chapter in my story. Sometimes we need a push by the universe so we don’t stay stuck, I know I need a nudge every once in a while, because when things feel good, and safe, and comfortable, well, sometimes I want to hang out there for a while, sometimes longer than a while, even though I know I need to keep challenging myself, so if I do hang on too long, the universe is bound to push me in the right direction, and sometimes that push can feel like a negative action, but, if we embrace it, ride the wave, look for the lesson or positivity in it, we may just have a breakthrough, a breakthrough we wouldn’t have had in our comfort zone.

Don’t get me wrong, a breakdown can be scary, but it’s in times like those that we really need to be open and honest with our friends and family, with those people who support us, they will undoubtedly be able to help us through those dark times, or at the very least, just be there when we need them most. If we’ve chosen the right people, and we’re living as our authentic selves, sharing our truths, we have nothing to fear, and we can trust the process we are going through, and trust that we are exactly where we are meant to be, no matter how uncomfortable it may seem as we walk through it, uncomfortable means change, uncomfortable means we are doing things differently, uncomfortable means if we stick with it, a breakthrough is coming.

When you feel like you’re in, or headed, for a breakdown, dig in with the good in your life, and get ready, something really wonderful may just be on the other side of it. Hang on SLAYER, and, expect the good.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Have there been times in your life when you can see that a breakdown lead to something good? If so, what? Have there been times when, looking back, you can see that the universe has pushed you in a certain direction because you were stuck where you were? Write down all the examples you can think of in your life when this has happened. How did you respond during these times of crises? Do you see how surrounding yourself with good supportive people can help you through those times? Do you reach out to the people in your life when you’re going through a breakdown? If not, why not? I know, for myself, I would not be here had I not reached out, and I have countless people to thank for the life I have today, countless people who opened their hearts to me, supported me, and offered me their strength when I had very little of my own. Don’t suffer in silence SLAYER, you are not alone, and, that breakdown just may be the best thing that has ever happened to you. SLAY on.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you