slayer

Worthy Of Love

I find myself in a place I’ve never been. A place I don’t think I thought I would ever be in. A place that is new, where I am vulnerable, and I’ve been, and am vulnerable, but this is a new kind of vulnerability, a good kind, a sweet kind, a kind I should be, and am blessed to be experiencing, and yet I find that I get scared in this place. That in itself surprises me. I have walked this road for almost 13 years now, and I’ve learned that my vulnerability is one of my strengths, but what I’ve learned, in this place that I am, is that there is still a part of me that doesn’t believe I am worthy of this kind of love. No one is more surprised by this than I am. My whole being is about self-love, receiving love, and sharing love with others, so now, in this place of ultimate love, how I can I be so scared? How can I still have this doubt deep inside that I’m not worthy of someone else’s love?

When I first realized that that is what my fear was based in, it made me sad. It saddened me to think that there was still a part of myself that didn’t believe, and that that part of me that had been laying dormant, silent, while the rest of me celebrated myself and the love I did have in my life, but this love is different. This love is true. Not that the other love in my life isn’t, or wasn’t, but this is a kind of love I’ve never known, one that I had seen, in other people, or in the movies, but never really believed was real or could happen to me. But here it is. And here I stand, scared of what that kind of love means. It seems silly to me when I think about it, that fear, but it’s there, and very real, and then that sadness rolls like low fog telling me I don’t get to have this kind of love. But I do, and I am, but that part of me that is sick, the disease, is trying to make one last stand to get in the way of me and my happiness, and all of the work I’ve done that had led me here.

So what now? Well, I know I have to walk through this fear. I know it’s not real and I know it’s based on the stories I used to tell myself. I do deserve to be happy. I do deserve to be loved. I do deserve to have this kind of love in my life, and I know I can have it, I do have it. I have to conquer my fears, and tell those voices that they’re wrong, they’re lying to me, they’re not going to win. For some reason it feels like it used to when I had to fight, it’s brought up those feelings of doubt, but I know I have it in me, I know the truth, and I deserve to walk away beating my fears to something really wonderful, and I will. I guess, in my my commitment to always be honest with all of you, I had to say all of that out loud, to share it with you all so that it would lose some power over me, and to know that all of you SLAYERS are standing by my side with your torches ablaze as I walk through my fears.

If you find yourself in fear, or feeling not worthy of love, walk with me, because you do, and are, let us stand together and move forward through our fears to the love that is waiting for us, that is ours. Stop listening to those voices or old stories that tell us we don’t get to have it, we do, and are meant to. Focus on the love in your life and see the love all around you, the love you receive and the love you give, know that you are worthy of all of it, and that there is much more love out there waiting for you. Tear down the darkness of your fears and let the light of love in, even if you’re afraid to let it, it is in the light of love that our true spirit shines, and we fully become who we are meant to be. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you feel worthy of love? If not, why not? Why do you think you don’t feel worthy? Is it because of things that have happened in your past, or things you were told? Are these things valid today? Are they true? Or are they just stories or experiences from our past from before you became the person you are today? Let go of the past SLAYER, focus on who you are and what you need. Let love in, and don’t listen to those negative voices that tell you you don’t deserve love, they don’t speak the truth, and only you can silence them by showing them just how much love you are capable of having. Let your light shine.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Showing up for yourself is not a luxury, it allows you to show up as the best version of yourself.

SLAY on!

State Of Slay To-Do List

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! You are only one decision away from a totally different life.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Thing

Sometimes You Have To Make Permanent Decisions In Instant Moments

There have been moments my life, when maybe I had been putting myself in a situation I shouldn’t have been in, or had stayed too long in a place I should have long left, that will come to a head and I need to make a permanent decision in an instant moment. Those moments don’t seem too instant usually though because I typically know that they will come one day, because where I am is not where I am meant to be. There are times though, when things do pop up unexpectedly and a decision has to be made for our own health and safety. When those moments come up, if we don’t know ourselves, and what’s best for us, we could easily make the wrong decisions in those instant moments out of panic our uncertainty of what to do next.

When I was in my disease that moment came, it came on a night that was like any other night, but it wasn’t, for some reason, on that night, I got really scared, and I knew that I was at a crossroads, suddenly, and that if I didn’t make the right decision, my life could be over. Both of my choices were permanent decisions, just one was the right choice, the choice I did make, and the other was the path I had been on which would only lead to one ultimate end, my end. I don’t know why, on that particular night, I realized I had to make a choice in that moment, because I didn’t even really know what the solution to it was, but I instinctively knew that I had to surrender to the way I had to been living and let go of the belief that I had things under control and knew better. And maybe that was the only sound decision I was capable of making with the knowledge I had, that I didn’t have it under control and all I could do was surrender and ask for help. That act set forth the journey I am still on today. And, the path I plan to stay on.

We are presented with many crossroads in our lifetime. Those moments when we can choose what path to take, and most of the time we know which path we should be on, we don’t always take it, but we usually know the right way, or at least, the first step to get us on that right path. Much of having the right information when those instant moments arise is knowing ourselves, know who we are, what we want, and having a connection to something bigger than ourselves to help guide us to the place we’re meant to be. I didn’t know myself when I made that permanent decision that night, but something inside of me knew what the next right step was, to call and ask for help.

If you find yourself in a place you shouldn’t be in, or can’t stay in, or know is not the best place for you, think about what you can do to get out, look for those opportunities, people, moments when there may be some guidance coming through that is showing you where to go. Take the time to get to know yourself, to learn to love yourself and believe that you deserve better than what you have, or where you are, if that does not serve you. Seek out those people, those places, that allows you to be your best you, that celebrates your spirit, and who you are. And know, when those instant moments come up where you have to make a permanent decision that you have the information you need to make the right decision, a decision that could lead you to your destiny, of where you’re meant to be if you just take that chance. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Have there been times in your life that you’ve had to make a permanent decision in an instant moment? List one. What was the result? Where you prepared for it? Why had you left something so long that you were forced to make a decision instantly? Did you know prior to that moment that that same decisions should have been made? Looking back, where there signs that that instant moment was coming? What can you do differently today to make better decisions so you’re not forced to make major decisions instantly? Take a look at your life SLAYER, look at where you are, who you’re with, and if you are where you are supposed to be, if you’re not, look for those moments to make some permanent decisions to get your on the right path and on the road to making your dreams a reality.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Embrace Your Superpower Autographed Auction Tee

Hey SLAYERS! Bid now on my autographed T-Shirt for Giving Tuesday in collaboration with IMAlive crises intervention. IMAlive is a live online network that uses instant messaging to respond to people in crisis. People need a safe place to go during moments of crisis and intense emotional pain. Proceeds from the auction go to the support of IMAlive.

To bid go to: Embrace Your Superpower T-Shirt Auction

What’s your superpower?

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! When we think about all the things we want, don’t forget to add loving yourself to that list.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

state-of-slay Beautiful Things

Never Let The Things You Want Make You Forget The Things You Have

I used to live in a constant state of want. Of always having to have the next great thing, or what I perceived as the next great thing I had to have. I used things to try to fill that void inside, that dark empty place that can’t be filled by outside things, but I didn’t know that, and I just kept making lists of things I thought I needed. The pursuit of those things and the moment of attaining them became my only sense of joy, but that joy was fleeting because I then would move on to what I “needed” next.

It took me a long time to realize what was really important in life. And it wasn’t until I got better, and started to love myself, that I started to place importance on the important things in my life, and it wasn’t things, it was people, relationships, peace of mind, finding a sense of calm and well-being. Nothing I could ever buy would ever fill those spaces, and I realized that I had a closet full of things that now felt empty and cluttered up my life. I also realized that in my pursuit of the next great thing I had lost sight of what I already had. There were things that I loved, or that reminded me of a special time in my life, or a person, and I had pushed them aside to accumulate more stuff.

It’s easy, in the world we live in, to stay in a perpetual state of want. To feel like if we don’t have the latest shoes, handbags, phone, jeans that we are less-than. But those things, however nice, will never fill you up the way loving yourself can, honoring who you are, and those around you, of nurturing friendships, relationships, of participating in life and giving back. Now, I’ve owned some pretty nice handbags in my day, and still do, but not one of them ever gave me back what the important things in life have.

During this weekend of Thanksgiving spend some time appreciating what you have. Take stock of who you are and the gifts you’ve been given, or those things you’ve worked hard to get or achieve, appreciate all of it, acknowledge it, and celebrate those things in your life, celebrate those people in your life who truly know, understand and love you. And let them celebrate you. Let love be what you pursue, whether love for yourself, others, or just showing love where you see it’s needed out in the world. That is truly the greatest gift of all, to give away, or show yourself love. That cannot be bought. And is truly priceless. No matter where you are in your life, you always have love to give, and, can choose to allow yourself to let it. Let love in and let it fill in those dark empty places inside of you, it’s the only way you truly can. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you get caught up in having to have the next and best thing? What was the last thing you had to have? Did you really need it? Do you still appreciate it? How long did you have it before pursuing the next big thing? How many things do you have that you’ve never used, or possibly still have the tags on them? How many things do you own that you never use? Do you feel you could be buying those things to fill a void you feel inside? Do you see how those things will never fill that void? How do you think you can fill that void in your own life? Have you done these things in the past? How did you feel after? Why don’t you do them more often? Find ways to do them SLAYER, find ways to give yourself love and to send love out to the world. Cultivate the healthy relationships in your life, put your time and energy into those instead of the pursuit of unnecessary things, and place your peace of mind and self-love at the top of your list of the next great thing to attain.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! You know all those things you’ve ever wanted to do, you should go do them?

New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Old Ways

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! If you wait until you’re ready, you’ll be waiting for the rest of your life.

SLAY on!

State Of Slay Just Say Yes

Contempt Prior To Investigation

I used to think I knew better. I thought I knew better than all of you, and I thought I knew if I was going to like something, even if I had never done it before. And because I lived in a negative space, I often said no to things without ever trying them. Before someone could even finish asking me to join in or participate in something I had already made up my mind I didn’t want to do it. Some of that came from fear, fear of never having done it and now knowing what the result will be, or, maybe looking stupid because I didn’t know what I was doing. My first reaction to any invite or suggestion was no. As a result, I missed out on a lot of things, a lot of opportunities, because I had already condemned something before it happened.

When I stepped on this path, I was encouraged to say yes. Yes was a word that made my anxiety shoot up immediately. What if I didn’t like what I agreed to do? What if I didn’t like the people? What if they didn’t like me? What if? What if? But I knew if multiple people kept encouraging me to say yes, I had to try, I had to say yes to saying yes, no matter how nervous that made me. I had to watch myself, in the beginning, I had to watch that I didn’t jump in each time with a quick no, I would breathe, make myself listen and then tell myself, regardless of what it was, I had to say yes, just to try. If I didn’t like it I didn’t have to do it again. I made a commitment to myself, that in that first year I had to say yes, so the year of yes began.

The first few times it was tough, saying yes, but as I kept doing it it got easier. And, I was discovering some new things about myself. When you say no all the time you don’t give yourself an opportunity to grow, to learn, to test yourself. As we move through life, our wants and needs change, as we do, but when we’re not testing the waters to see what works best for us today, we stay stuck and keep doing the same things, or nothing, and not growing to our potential. Saying yes does take courage, and faith, that you’re being asked to say yes for a reason. Nothing happens randomly, typically things come to us when we need them, or should take part in them, so we can take away what we should to move forward, or possibly, change the direction we’re going in completely. So when we keep saying no, we’re not only stuck, we’re not were we’re supposed to be.

Now after almost 13 years of saying yes, I can say that the yes’s have been very good to me. Yes has gotten me to a pretty incredible place today, and one I wouldn’t have had to courage to say yes to if I hadn’t had years of practice of saying yes, because this yes, is life-changing, and has taken a big leap of faith that what was given to me was exactly where I am meant to be, and I know that with every fiber of my soul. When we say yes, the universe says yes back. We open the road of possibilities and allow the flow of new ideas and new challenges that are meant to prepare us for the next yes, and possibly, prepare us for the biggest yes yet. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Is your immediate reaction when being asked to do something a no? Why? What happened the last time you said yes? Why don’t you say yes more often? What do you think will happen? When you think about the times you may have said yes, how do you feel about those choices? How do you feel when you see other people saying yes and getting remarkable results while you’re still saying no? You can be one of those yes people SLAYER. Challenge yourself this week to say yes, at least twice. Ignore the negative voices that tell you to say no and just say yes, say it without even thinking about, just blurt out yes! You may just discover some new things about yourself, and may even meet some new people who are also saying yes. Surround yourself with people who say yes, try new things, challenge yourself to move forward, to uncharted waters, and say yes to exploring who you are and where you are meant to be. One yes may just change your whole life.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you