positive

Everything Good Takes Maintenance

Not to rain on your parade, but with all the good we put into our lives, the work involved in making positive changes, the work doesn’t stop there. Good things take maintenance. We live in a world full of distractions, negativity, and busyness, and the good we put into our lives gets chipped away by these things, so if we don’t continue to maintain them, they will eventually become so depleted they will waste away. It takes work to get the good, and it takes work to keep it. It’s also keeping up with the evolution of who we are. As we continue to work on ourselves and grow, the good we once needed may change or evolve along with us, so we may need to do some tune-ups or upgrade, to it as we upgrade ourselves. It may seem daunting to think the work is never done, but once we get in the habit of looking for and working for the good and doing what’s best for us, that work just becomes acts of loving yourself and not so much work most of the time.

Like anything, we have to always check-in with ourselves. It’s easy to rest on our laurels and coast. Especially when things feel good. Even if things feel good it’s important to still make sure they are good, because we can convince ourselves that just because things feel calm, and in reality may have become stagnant, that we’re OK where we are, even if that place isn’t challenging us, or making us happy. Just because there might not be any drama, or negativity, doesn’t mean we can sit back and stop doing the work. Especially for those of us that have come from such places of darkness, and may have had to fight so hard to get out, into the light, we can stop working when we’ve overcome the resistance of our past, and stay somewhere longer than we are meant to.

I like to think of the maintenance as a gift to myself. Work that will give back to me, and those around me, ten-fold, because when I am in a place that lets my true self shine I am able to be at my best and possibly inspire or help others to do so as well. So I look at it as selfish if I am not doing the work, because I am not only cheating myself out of being my best self, but possibly others as well because I am not able to shine my light as bright on the path ahead. Now, that doesn’t mean I’m always excited about doing the work, there are days when I may stomp my feet and wish the work would do itself, but I know when I do get to it, it’ll be worth it, and that work will take me to the next place I am supposed to be. Everything we do and everyone we meet is meant to take us to where we are meant to be next, or prepare us for what’s ahead, so when we keep doing the work, we’re always ready for what may come our way, good, or bad, we’ve got the tools for that particular job.

Our lives are in perpetual motion, life is always happening around us, and hopefully within us, so it’s important to keep up with it and not stall or stop our growth and enjoyment of it. Open your heart and follow it’s direction, feed it with what makes it sing, and make sure you’re giving it enough fuel to give you the gas you need to keep your positive tank, your good tank, full to take you to your next destination. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you shy away from doing the work you know you should be doing to be your best self? Why do you do that? Is it a way to punish yourself? Do you think you’re not worthy of good? Are you hoping it’ll fix itself? It won’t SLAYER. When you do something good for yourself, do you feel good? How exactly do you feel? Write it down. When you don’t want to do good things for you look at what you just wrote, remember the feeling and let that inspire you to get to work. When we do more good for ourselves we attract more good. That good starts a fire inside of us and the heat and flames grow higher as we keep putting more good into it, and when it’s burning we can share those flames with someone else who may be sitting in the dark. Ignite that spark in you, and keep feeding that fire.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! You’ll never notice the beauty around you if you’re too busy running around trying to create it.

New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Flaws

Swap Out I Can’t With Actually I Can

I used to tell myself I can’t a lot. What that really meant for me a lot of the time was that I was too afraid to try or I didn’t think I deserved to. And the more I said it to myself, the more I believed it. In fact, it got so ingrained in my brain that I no longer believed I could do it. But when you swap out I can’t with actually I can, you give yourself permission to try.

That switch for me came the morning I finally reached out for help. For years I told myself that I couldn’t tell anyone what was going on for fear of what the response would be, and for fear of what that admission meant to me as a person. I let those things stand in the way of my own well-being, of me getting better, and stopping my own self-punishment. But when I finally let out my big secret and told someone what my truth was, that embarrassment, that fear, that huge burden and power that secret had over me was gone. I opened the door to ‘actually I can’ the moment my truth became more important than my shame.

In the end, there is nothing to be ashamed of. We do the best we can with what we have. And if we aren’t able to do our best, even if we do have what it takes to do better, well then maybe that’s all the best we could muster in those moments. We now have a choice each day to make our best our best. To do better. To learn. Grow. And to start looking at what you can do rather than what you can’t.

When we shift our focus from cannot to can and start dwelling on those things, rather than the later, we start to look for the things we can change, and those things we can’t, don’t come so much into focus. And as we celebrate each new victory of those things we can do, our list of what we think we can’t gets shorter, or becomes less important. We put our energies into what we focus on, so why not focus on the positive, and seek out the positive if we feel we don’t have enough, or any, in our lives. Look for it. It’s there. It may be small when you start, but find it, but set your sights on it and it will grow.

We are the only ones who stand in our own way. Even when others try to put roadblocks in our way, they can’t stop us, they might slow us down or distract us, but we have the power to push through and overcome the obstacles, but many times the obstacle that is the hardest to overcome is ourselves. Try swapping out I can’t with actually I can in your life. See how that changes your perspective, and, how you start to get things done. Focus on what you can do and leave the rest. Soon you’ll notice those ‘I can’ts’ will move over to the ‘I cans’ and you’ll wonder why you ever doubted yourself. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you tell yourself that you can’t do things? Do others tell you you can’t do things? What do they say? Why do they say it? Are they wrong? They are SLAYER. You can do whatever you put your mind to. The victory comes in just trying to do it. Write down 5 things you want for yourself. Write ‘actually I can’ next to those 5 things. Now write down what action you can take to get those things. Even if you’re not able to complete them write down, write down what you can do. Write down what you are willing to do. Write down what you are going to do. Much of what holds us back in life is a matter of perspective, so when we start looking for the positive we see more positive. Make a commitment to yourself to change your way of thinking and talking to yourself, instead of saying I can’t, say actually, I can. You can, and you will!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

When We Stop Looking The Answers Find Us

We’ve all been there. We hit a block where we can’t find something, can’t figure something out, or can’t remember something. We keep trying and trying, getting more and more frustrated until we finally give up, and it’s then that we find the answer, or just find what we were looking for. There are countless examples of this in my life, so many in fact that I finally got the point. When I hit a block I stop. When I’ve exhausted all possible avenues, I stop. I don’t try to force it. I don’t beat myself up for not being able to do what I am looking to do in that moment. I stop. Because I know now that I am not meant to know or find what it is I’m trying to find in that moment. It’s hard to walk away, at least it can be for me, to leave something unfinished, or unfound, to just trust that it’ll come when it’s meant to. But it does. Life has proven that to me time and time again.

For me I think that it’s always a test in my faith that there is a plan and an order to things that just might not be on my own timeline. That if it’s meant to be it’ll happen, because it typically does. But we can drive ourselves to exhaustion trying to force something to happen when it’s not meant to, and all of our force will still not make it so.

Before stepping on this path my life was run on fear, and to counter that fear I tried to control everything, I thought that was my safety, to force things to happen when I wanted them to happen. The only trouble was, I don’t have that power. Sure, I can do it some of the time, but most of the time it was beyond what I could control and then I would get angry and resentful, and that’s exactly when the negative self-talk would pop up and tell me that nothing was going to go my way, that I didn’t deserve good things, and I wasn’t smart enough or talented enough to figure it out, and so on and so on. I’ve talked about dropping the rope before, to let go, and not let that rope drag us behind whatever we’re chasing or holding onto. It is about dropping the rope, but it’s also about just learning to let things come when they will. I know, for me, that they will. And, typically it’s shortly after stopping to try that the answer comes, or I find what I was looking for. It always makes me smile. Most times I say ‘thank you’ out loud. Thank you to me, for doing what was right. And, thank you to the universe for providing the answer, or showing me what I was looking for.

It’s about easing off, and trusting the process, the journey, set your intention, and then looking for the answers, the signs, that are out there, and, they are out there, if we just stop, let go, and look around. Sometimes it takes longer than we may want, but it will come. And, you’ve stopped the cycle of trying to force something that wasn’t mean to happen when you wanted it to, relieving yourself of unnecessary anger and frustration. Giving yourself that gift is really another form of self-love. For me, when I hit that wall, I try to do something else that I enjoy, walking away from whatever it was I was trying to do or figure out, and moving on to something I like, it makes it easier to leave something unfinished and keep moving forward.

Sometimes we aren’t meant to know something or find something when we’re looking for it. Trust your path, trust the timeline of your own journey and when you hit a dead end, know that may not be the end, but the end in that moment, maybe the lesson really is to trust it will come, and when you do, that’s when the answer will appear. Trust me SLAYER, the answers always come when you are meant to know them.

SLAY OF THE DAY: If you get stuck on something or can’t find something do you keep looking even after you’ve exhausted all possibilities? How does this make you feel? How does it help you? How does it hurt you? Have you experienced a time when you stopped and went on with your day only to find what you were looking for or found the answer when you were no longer looking for it? Do you trust that the answers will come when you are meant to know them? If yes, why? If no, why? Give examples when the answers came later. The answer typically do SLAYER, they may just not come at the exact moment we want them, but, they typically do when we are meant to have them. Let life unfold as it is meant to, and know there is a reason for that, even if you don’t see it at the time. SLAY on!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

How Do You Want To Feel?

I was speaking with a friend the other day about not feeling good about a situation and he turned to me and asked, “how do you want to feel.? That got me thinking. How did I want to feel? And as I started to think about it, I started to feel it. For a few moments I felt the way I wanted to feel, and that got me thinking. What action do I have to take so that I feel this way?

We often can get stuck in our feelings, and feelings can be tricky. They can be tied up in some many things and not necessarily with how we feel about our current situation, but can be tied to experiences and trauma from our past. I know for myself that there have been times on this journey where I gotten triggered by something, unbeknownst to me at the time, and I have reacted to how I’m feeling thinking it is a genuine feeling about where I am currently at, but it’s not. Something or someone has hit that trigger and it’s pulled up something that has nothing to do with the person standing in front of me. It used to baffle me. My hair-trigger reaction to things seemed to flare up immediately, and if I didn’t pause to think about why I might be feeling the way I was I would just react and react to whomever was standing in front of me, only to feel badly later on, or, if I was really not present, blame them for something that they were never involved in at all.

With the help of counseling and therapy I now have a better sense of what those triggers mean and what the root of them are, so that when one flares up, I can, when I take a moment, realize what the true source of that feeling is. Feelings tend to have a lot of baggage, and far-reaching tentacles in our lives. But feelings also aren’t’ facts. Feelings can tell us a lot about ourselves and what’s going on for us, but we can also manipulate them, or have a skewed perception, of what the true facts actually are. I used to romanticize a lot of things, or, make them far worse than they really were. It was all about really high highs and really low lows for me, when really, a lot of those things, probably fell more in the middle. But the memory of them, and my feelings of them, where at either a 1 or a 10. and, I would get stuck there. To the point where it seemed like I either didn’t care or I was in a complete rage, with no warning. Sometimes that can still happen, and when it does I know I have more work to do there, it’s a sign that I still need to work on what that trigger is and how to make peace with it.

But back to feeling the way you want to feel. Just by thinking about that, you do feel that feeling. It’s like an instant shot, and it may only stay for a moments, until our brain kicks in and brings you back to reality, but, if it can do it for a few moments we know we can go there, it’s attainable, we can get it, so the next question is, how?

You know I’m always about taking action, it’s what keeps us on a positive path, and makes us warriors. So, what can you do today to feel the way you want to feel? When you ask yourself that, the answers come, and if they don’t, just start by taking some positive action, any positive action, and keep asking yourself that same question. Sometimes, we can’t do it alone, I know I couldn’t at the beginning, and sometimes I still need the help of someone else, so don’t put pressure on yourself to have it all figured out right away, it takes practice, and there’s no prize for doing it alone.

Choose to feel the way you want to feel, and if you don’t, take action to go after that feeling. Even the thought of that makes me feel good. Take action to feel good SLAYER.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you tend to get stuck in the way you are feeling and feel like there’s no way out? How would you rather feel than how you’re feeling right now? What can you do to attain that, or, get closer to it? What have you tried in the past? What has worked? What hasn’t worked? What have you still not tried? What would you like to try? Try it SLAYER. Think right now, about how you want to feel, and before your brain kicks in to say you can’t, say yes I can, and go after that feeling. SLAY on!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Good habits are formed the same way as bad habits are, through practice. Choose to practice for your good.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Rewarding

Create Healthy Habits, Not Restrictions

When I first stepped on this path I had to change most of the ways I did things. I had to face the fact that me doing things my way brought me to my knees. That my best thinking had gotten me to my bottom.  And that I couldn’t do it alone, and that trying to do so I caused myself a lot of unnecessary pain and suffering.  The habits I formed were based on two things, fight, or flight,  none of them were healthy, and the unhealthy part of myself loved that, thought I deserved that, and gave me a small twang of pleasure when I would act out on those habits that were harming myself. So, because I practically had to start from scratch I had to look at all of those changes as new healthy habits, not restrictions.

Restrictions were something I always pushed back at, I still do, but try to soften and look at the reasoning behind them, but when I was starting to get better, even though I had positive intentions, I still had a negative mind, the word restriction was still, very much, a four letter word to me. The last thing I wanted was something that was labeled as limiting or controlling. I had already cut out all of the things that I had been using to numb myself and to get by, so to think of replacing all of those things, which I thought freed me from my thoughts and feelings, I certainly wasn’t going to be on board with anything that was a restriction. And, because this new path was one that was one of better mental health, replacing those vices with healthy habits seemed like a better fit, and one I wasn’t going to rebel against as much, because when I did come up against that resistance I would remind myself it was for better health. Going back to the word health, I also had to remember that old habits can be difficult to break, especially when you’ve used them most of your life, so you’re going to slip back into old behaviors, so when I did, I had to learn to be kind to myself and recognize that even if I slipped, even the recognition that I had slipped was a win, and to love myself for that and try the better choice the next time. Those negative voices in my head would pop up and tell me that I was a failure and that I couldn’t change, but I had to try to ignore that as best as I could, and, counter those thoughts with something positive to show myself that I could change, and that doing something good for myself, and loving, through the learning process was change and proof that I could make that positive change if I just kept trying to do it.

It’s just like going on a diet. When we restrict the foods we eat we tend to just want them more, or we feel deprived, but if we just strive to eat healthy and make better choices in our diet, even if we slip it’s not the end of the world, we just make a healthier choice next time. The idea of a restriction just makes most of us want to rebel and plow through that restriction with a vengeance, or at least I do. Looking at something as a healthier choice is a positive way to look at the changes you want in your life. It’s about making a choice to put a positive spin on the work you are doing to be your best you, even that itself is a healthy habit.

I continued to add more and more healthy habits in my life which eventually replaced most of the unhealthy ones, some of those old ones just don’t want to go away and pop up from time to time, but the good far outweighs the bad, and when the old ones do pop up, I can recognize them and use them to identify what’s going on for me that my old, negative, ways have jumped in thinking they were right for the job. They now help me pinpoint what may be wrong and what I need to address or work on, so, even those negative habits can be turned into something positive.

SLAYER, if you’re working on making changes in your life and the thought of restrictions, control, or limitations make your skin crawl, flip the script, and think of them as healthy habits, ways for you to walk in the light, to be someone you can be proud of, and someone who may just inspire others to do so as well. Make healthier choices for the life you want to live, and the person you are meant to be, it’s all in your hands to make it happen.

SLAY OF THE DAY:  When you hear the word restrictions what do you think of? How does that make you feel? How have you reacted to restrictions in the past? If you hear the words healthy habits, how does that make you feel?  What healthy habits have you implemented in your life? How has that changed or life or made it better? Which negative habits do you struggle with? When you notice yourself fall back into old behaviors, what is your reaction? Do you beat yourself up? Or, do you acknowledge them and strive to do better next time? Habits take time to form, good or bad, so set your intention to make better choices, with that intention you are always looking to do what’s right and best for you, but no one gets it right every single time so include, with your intention to make better choices, the choice to let yourself make mistakes and learn from them, it’s within that place that we learn the most. SLAY on!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Say Thank You, Even If You Don’t Like It

I know what you’re thinking — why would I say thank you for something I didn’t want?

Why would I be grateful for disappointment?
For loss?
For situations that didn’t go my way?
For things that hurt, frustrated me, or felt unfair?

For a long time, I wouldn’t have.

I used to divide my life into simple categories:
good if it benefited me,
bad if it didn’t.

If I got what I wanted, it was positive.
If I didn’t, it was negative.

But life has a way of teaching you that those labels don’t actually hold much truth.

Learning to See Differently

Over time, I started noticing something about myself.

When something didn’t go my way, I could choose to sit in frustration…
or I could choose to look for the lesson.

And almost every single time, there was one.

Sometimes the lesson was about me —
that I needed to prepare better,
ask better questions,
set clearer expectations,
communicate more honestly,
or let go of control.

Sometimes the lesson was about other people —
their limits,
their patterns,
their boundaries,
their capacity.

Sometimes the lesson was simply learning humility.
Learning grace.
Learning patience.
Learning acceptance.

None of those situations felt good in the moment —
but every single one shaped me.

Gratitude Wasn’t Natural for Me — It Was Learned

This wasn’t something that came naturally.

I had to practice it.

I had to stop immediately labeling things as “bad”
and start asking myself:

What can I learn from this?
What is this teaching me?
What is this showing me about myself?
How can this help me grow next time?

When I started doing that, something shifted internally.

I stopped feeling like life was happening to me
and started feeling like life was working for me.

Even when it didn’t feel good.

The Shift From Resentment to Grace

I realized how easy it is to live in bitterness when things don’t go our way.

It’s easy to feel wronged.
To feel blocked.
To feel unlucky.
To feel like life is unfair.

I’ve lived there.

But when I started practicing gratitude — not just for what felt good, but for what taught me — I felt a shift from poor me to fortunate me.

Not because everything was perfect.
Not because everything worked out.
But because everything had meaning.

Everything had purpose.
Everything carried information.
Everything offered growth.

This Is What Living in Grace Looks Like for Me

Living in grace doesn’t mean pretending things don’t hurt.

It doesn’t mean bypassing emotion.
It doesn’t mean spiritualizing pain.
It doesn’t mean toxic positivity.

It means choosing perspective.

Choosing to look for learning instead of loss.
Choosing growth instead of bitterness.
Choosing awareness instead of blame.

For me, this is what living in a State Of Slay™ actually means.

Not controlling life —
but trusting it.

Not resisting experiences —
but extracting wisdom from them.

Why I Say Thank You Anyway

I say thank you because I grew.
Because I learned.
Because I became wiser.
Because I became more aware.
Because I became more grounded.

Not because I liked it.
Not because it felt good.
Not because it was easy.

But because it shaped me.

Every experience becomes a teacher when I let it.

Choosing Gratitude Changes Everything

When I look for the good, I find the good.
When I look for the lesson, I grow.
When I choose gratitude, I create peace.

This doesn’t mean I’m perfect at it.
This doesn’t mean I never get frustrated.
This doesn’t mean I don’t feel disappointed.

But I live here more often than not — and that’s enough to change everything.

Say Thank You, Even If You Don’t Like It

Say thank you for the lesson.
Say thank you for the clarity.
Say thank you for the redirection.
Say thank you for the growth.
Say thank you for the wisdom.

Even when you didn’t want it.
Even when it hurt.
Even when it felt unfair.

Be grateful.
Learn.
Grow.
Find the good.
Create the good.
Be the good.

SLAY Reflection

Let’s reflect, SLAYER:

S: What situations in your life do you still label as “bad”?
L: What might those experiences have taught you that you’ve overlooked?
A: How would your mindset shift if you practiced gratitude instead of resentment?
Y: What is one experience you can say thank you for today — even if you didn’t like it?

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
What’s something in your life you didn’t want — but ended up learning from?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone stuck in bitterness or disappointment, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.

Your Past Does Not Define You

Well, unless you let it. Many of us have come from difficult, troubled, or tragic places, sometimes beyond our control, it’s easy to get labeled, or label ourselves as victims, or as those people from our past, but that’s not who we are.

I used to dwell on the past, use it as an excuse to for bad behavior, for not treating myself well, for doing self-destructive things, to me, and those around me. I told myself that it didn’t matter, that I was a bad person, and that I was entitled to it because of my past, I was wrong. Perpetuating that story or narrative only got me deeper into the darkness, and yes, there are times in our lives, or circumstances, that are beyond our control, but as an adult we at some point need to take responsibility for who we are and how we’re living our lives, and not use those things as a crutch to behave badly or to not do better for ourselves. We as adults have the power to change our stories, or to start new ones. To say that the past is the past and let it go, or move forward. Some things are easier than others to let go, but nothing is impossible. There may be circumstances that change us forever, but we then get to decide who we are in that new normal, and how we can make a difference, to ourselves, or others. I found a way to take seemingly negative events in my life and use them to connect with others, to share, to offer hope, those things, the past, now has positive purpose in my life, and because of that, all of that darkness is now surrounded by light.

No one gets to tell us who we are, or should be. Only we get to decide. And if someone is only willing to see us the way we were, or in a certain light that is not true to who we are today, then perhaps we need to let them go. It is also up to us who we share our lives with, and as we learn and try to live in the light it’s important to share our lives with those also doing the same, or, at least trying.

Using your past to hide is like continuing the abuse, the bad behavior, or reliving the difficult circumstance over and over again, only you are the one who’s doing it to yourself. To me, that makes it worse. It’s up to us to break the pattern, it’s up to us to say that’s not who we are, and it’s up to us to rise above and not let that define us. There may be residual effects from our past that we need to deal with in our day to day lives today, but we deal with them, we take them in stride, and not let them stop us from moving on, from living the life we want for ourselves today, from succeeding where we once may have failed. Everyone has obstacles to overcome, some more than others, but finding a way to work through them, work around them, or, incorporate them into the life we want is what sets us apart from those who stay stuck and never reach their full potential.

Let the past go, talk about it, work through it, tell yourself that you are not what has happened to you, or even what you may have done to yourself, not if you change that behavior today, and when you are able to do that there is no shame in where you’ve come from, because you are no longer that person, you are better, stronger, brighter, you are who you are truly meant to be, and to get there, it takes some falls, some lessons, and some forgiveness. Let go of what no longer serves you, look for opportunities to turn your past into a positive path for you to walk today, one that allows you to be your best self and allows you to let go of what no longer serves you. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you let your past define you? Do others label you based on your past? How does that make you feel? Or, are you the one who labels yourself? Why? How does that help you? How does that hurt you? What can you do today to overcome your past? Who in your life can help you do that? Who supports you in this effort? Who do you admire for rising above their past? What can you learn from them? What can you apply to your own life to do the same? SLAYER, we all have the opportunity to let go, make peace, or re-purpose those parts of our past that are not who we are today, so don’t let anyone, or yourself, hold you back from being your best you.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Talk to yourself like you’re talking to someone you love.

SLAY on!
State Of Slay Reality