deserve

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Know your worth.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then… SLAY on!

Find What You Deserve

Dark Horse Wins The Race

It’s always great when we have the support of your friends and family when we set out to accomplish a goal. It doesn’t always work out that way, and many times we can get derailed in our efforts because we let those around us influence our confidence or thinking that we may not be capable of reaching our potential or get to where we want to be. I have a great support group, but there have been times in my life where some around me have not understood or fully supported me in my efforts. It has hurt, and there were times when I was younger that I let that doubt creep in and turn into my own self-doubt and I became fearful and unsure if I could actually do what I wanted to do. As I got older the fear of not trying outweighed the fear of failure so I would move forward anyway, but there was always that bit of self-doubt weighing in the back of my mind. That little bit of negativity often prevented me from giving whatever I was working on my complete all, which always effected the results. I did reach many goals back then, but not always to my full potential.

As I made a commitment to learn to love myself, and honor who I am, I learned, and began to believe, that, not only, was a capable of doing whatever I set my mind on, but that I deserved it. That second part was the missing part that had eluded me earlier in my life. As much as I could dig my heals in and push forward anyway, I never truly believed I deserved what I was working to accomplish, and when I did accomplish it, I would look at that accomplishment as luck or a fluke that I had actually gotten to the finish line, taking away that accomplishment from myself. But once I believed that I deserved those things I was working so hard for, that changed everything. It no longer became as important to me that everyone thought I could do something, it is certainly nice to have a cheering section to encourage me, but it’s not a necessity, in fact, when I did meet resistance, armed with self-love and self-worth, I surged ahead anyway, knowing that, at times, someone thinking I couldn’t accomplish something may work to my advantage of completing that goal. When your not expected to win, you can make a lot of headway without anyone noticing how fast you’re moving forward. And in doing so, I have converted a few doubters into believers when I crossed that finish line that they didn’t think I could cross. As I’ve said many times before, we have the power to take something negative and turn it into a positive, or in this case, fuel or positive energy to give us a turbo boost to our goal.

Don’t let someone else’s doubt cast a shadow on the work you are doing to reach your goal, let it give you that extra spark you need to light that fire within and allow you to burn bright as you move forward. Surround yourself with those who do believe, who support you and encourage you to be your best self, and find those who understand your drive to go after what you want. Be that dark horse, when the shadow of doubt is cast upon you, and convert that negative energy to positive to reach your goal, besides the pressure is off the dark horse when everyone is looking elsewhere, so pull forward, believe in yourself and take the win! SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Have their been people in your who have doubted that you are capable of accomplishing what you have set out to do? How does that make you feel? Do you let that keep you from accomplishing or going after your goals? List an example when you let others derail you from your goal? How can you prevent this from happening in the future? What can you do to moving forward to use someone’s doubt into positive energy? Never let anyone talk you out of what you want in life, it is up to you to go after what you want and if someone else isn’t able to support you in that, look to those who do, and if you feel you don’t have support at all, use all of that to fuel your victory for yourself and cross that finish line. You deserve it, and, are already a winner.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Perspective: It’s Not All About You

We don’t typically see things how they are, we see things as we are, and we all have a different perspective depending on what we want or were expecting to happen. Ask a group of people to recount witnessing the same incident and you’ll get as many versions as there are people. We tend to look at things through our own lens and that can cause conflict with those around us.

When I was living in the dark everything was all about me. Even when I was doing something for someone else, it was still all about me. I always wanted something in return, even if it was just the recognition for doing it. In my own perspective back then, that wasn’t true, but when I was able to look back with honesty, I had to admit that all of my motivations for doing anything back then were self-centered and self-seeking. I also walked into many situations with the intention, whether intentional or not, and making that situation about me. Even when I would say or think that the last thing I wanted was to stand out or be the center of attention, I would still manipulate the situation so that it became about me, even quietly behind the scenes. And, in those occasions when I knowingly was walking in and wanting it to be all about me and I didn’t get what I wanted, it typically resulted in some bad behavior on my part. And, even in those situations, I could always justify that bad behavior in my mind, or stuff it down like it didn’t happen, or I was deserving of it. Well, it did happen, and I wasn’t deserving.

As I got better that behavior stopped, and because of the tools I was learning to use I was able to spot my old behavior as it was rearing it’s ugly head, and spotting it in myself also gave me the perspective to see it in others and have a better understanding of why things can get derailed into different directions. The holidays is the perfect example. So many times it becomes about everyone else’s expectations or agendas that we lose the true meaning of the holidays, and instead of it being a time of good cheer, of celebrating with friends and family, it becomes about other things that are selfishly motivated. It’s important to remember what the point of each gathering or event is, and work to keep yourself in line with that, to share in the joy of the purpose of why you are there without trying to steer that event or gathering into a purpose that suits your own needs or fits your expectations. You’re purpose is to add to the purpose of the gathering or event and put your own needs and wants aside. A quick way to get out of your own motives is to ask yourself how you can be of service where you are. How can you help or make, wherever you are, better and more enjoyable, what can you add to a situation and not take away from it? Take a step back, remove yourself from what you see and see it for what it is. When we are able to take ourselves out of the equation the perspective becomes clearer and then when we step back in we are better able to be a part of something, and it’s intended purpose, without pulling the focus to us.

It’s easy to get caught up in the drama, office politics or family dynamics of a situation, but it’s important for your own peace of mind and overall mental health to not involve ourselves in situations that we shouldn’t, or not step on someone else’s toes to look better in the eyes of those around you. Keep yourself right-sized and a part of the solution, not the one causing the chaos. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you find it difficult to see things from a different perspective other than your own? How has this gotten you into trouble in the past? Do you find you are able to look at things through an objective perspective or can you only see things through your own point of view or intentions? Do you, whether intentionally or not, attempt to make situations about your and your objectives? Give an example. When we are able to let go of ego and look at every situation as one where we can be of service, many times it puts us in the right frame of mind and gets us out of self. It is important to keep our own expectations and agenda out of the mix when there is generally a greater purpose, and if we are able to stay out of the way of that purpose and even help with it, we are in the right place using the right perspective.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

From Victim To Victor

Before walking this path I thought of myself as of victim. I felt I was a victim of those around and me and a victim of life. I truly believed that everything and everyone was conspiring to get me. And, my disease told me that I deserved it. I used the victim label like a get out of jail card, I used it to excuse myself from bad behavior or for not taking action where I should and could have. There was a lot I could have done over the years to help myself, but not as long as I could only see myself as a victim. Even when I made the choice to get better I still believed I was a victim, but my path of healing was about to reveal to me that I had been a victim, most of all, to myself.

Stepping into a new way of life and interacting with new people who were battling the same issues as I was, I noticed that these people were not victims, they were fighters, survivors, warriors and victors. It was inspiring, but I still had to be willing to let go of the victimhood that I had used to shield myself from the responsibilities of my own actions. If I was going to find victory in this new way of life I had to let go of being a victim. Shedding that label was scary, as letting it go and not identifying myself as victim meant that I had to take responsibility for my part in the activities and events that lead me to my personal bottom. That was a lot to face up to. When I was able to be rigorously honest with myself, there was very little that I had been a victim to, most everything I had labeled as something I had no part in was absolutely false, my part was all over those things I wanted to make others responsible for. With the exception of our childhood, when we’re young and do not have the ability to make choices, we play some role in most of everything that happens in our lives. There are those instances we do fall victim to a crime or unwittingly get involved in something, but for the most part, even if it’s just engaging with someone or something I shouldn’t have, I played a part in it, or, at the very least, I still had a choice of how I react to what was happening around me. I was no victim, I contributed to much of my heartache and even, at times, purposely led myself down a path to get hurt or betrayal because I thought I deserved it. That victim cloak I draped over myself was mostly made up of excuses to not take ownership of my actions and to a life that I was ashamed of. I certainly had mental health issues working against me, but had I been honest and had the courage to share my truth those issues, as I’ve learned on the path I walk now, are not insurmountable. When I finally took responsibility for my part in all that led me to a place of incomprehensible demoralization, in that moment, I stopped being a victim and became a victor. It took much more work than that to really take ownership of it, but that was the first step, admitting where I had played a part in my own demise.

Today I know I am a victor, I have been victorious over many things, for many years. I will no longer allow myself to be a victim and I will take responsibility for my actions and my part in things. When we admit our part and see where we contributed to our own misery and wrongdoing we take our power back, or perhaps gain it for the first time, that power gives us the fuel to take part in our own recovery, in the ownership of our actions, and reactions, and allows us to find and learn a better way of life. For those of us who have made the move to victor we know the strength we have found in that, and we encourage those who have not yet crossed over to join us as we walk in victory together on this new path and the road beyond. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you think of yourself as a victim? Why is that? Have you played any part in what causes you to think of yourself as a victim? Even if it’s just your reaction to it? How have you played the victim in your own past? Have you used that to gain sympathy or to manipulate in the past? Do you still do that? Why? How does that hurt you? Have others tried to place a victim label on you? Why do you think that is? Are you willing to look at your part in the events that lead you to believe you are a victim? How can you take your power back? We are strong men and women who cannot be defeated unless we allow it, we can overcome anything we put our minds to, and we can use the strength of those around us to help us when we feel weak, or unsure what the next step may be. Find your strength, hold on to us as you make that step from victim to victor and soar.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Know Your Worth

Before walking this path, I didn’t know my worth, in fact, I didn’t think I had any. Even when I found success, or was complimented, I didn’t believe I was worthy of it, and many times, I thought if someone was praising me for a job well done that they were lying and had ulterior motives. I never thought I was good enough or worthy of what I wanted, yet I was in fear of never getting those same things, or loosing the ones I had. It was a horrible place to live, and yet I lived there for most of my life. And ultimately, I almost didn’t believe my life was worth saving, but that little part of me that did, fought like hell to survive.

When I set out on a path of self-love and recovery, I had to hold on to the part of me that believed I was worth the work. When the road got tough, it was that part of me that got me through, that wouldn’t let me give up and dug it’s heels in and kept me moving forward, even if the steps were slow and small. Each time I moved forward I gained a little more self-worth, the act itself of pushing through and not giving up was building my belief that I was worth the fight, and I was, and still am. My self-worth also grew as I was able to be of service to other people, something I thought I didn’t have much to give but realized that even at the beginning of my journey, I still had a lot to offer someone who had just started, sometimes more than those who were much farther along, because it was easier for someone just starting to relate to me, still new, and still learning as I went. Those acts of kindness and compassion continued to expand my self-worth. And as I got further down the path I realized how important it was to protect my self-worth and what my worth really was. There are those who try to take advantage, or work out a deal that is really in their favor, stripping our worth in the process, and if we ourselves are unclear of our worth, or don’t think we have any, we will fall victim to those people time and time again. It is important to stand up, when something isn’t right, and say so, knowing and owning your worth. For me, self-love played a big hand in me realizing my worth, because if I was loving myself, and participating in acts that were loving to myself, I wasn’t going to tolerate someone else not honoring my worth, and, I certainly wasn’t going to participate in any acts that would diminish or dishonor anyone else’s.

We all have worth, and we all deserve to be treated with worth, and, we all should acknowledge others people’s worth. When we know our own worth we stop putting ourselves in harms way, we stop inviting people into our lives who disrespect us and start to contribute and look for loving acts in our lives, each of those acts builds more worth. We all have value, we all have worth, and it’s important to find ours and own it as we navigate through our journey and to see where that path with take us. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you know your worth? If yes, how. If not, why not? Have you already known your worth, or have you discovered it along the way? If you don’t know your worth, why do you think you don’t have any or much? Did you ever feel you had it and lost it? If so, what happened? Finding your worth is an integral part to having healthy relationships in your life, respectful business or working interactions and the fuel you need to propel you forward to where you want and should go. Write out all of what gives you worth, and if you have trouble thinking of them, ask a trusted friend, sometimes we can see our worth through someone else’s eyes, but what’s most important is, finding it, and owning it, that’s when positive changes begin to happen.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect, it means you decided to look beyond the imperfections to find your own brand of happy.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then… SLAY on!

State Of Slay Blue Prevent Happiness

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you cannot change.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then… SLAY on!
state-of-slay Emotional Pain

I Don’t Want To Feel What I Feel

I stepped on this path over 13 ½ years ago, and much of what got me to this path was not wanting to feel my feelings. At first it started with not wanting to feel bad, or different, or less than, disappointed, or unsafe, but as my disease grew, and I continued to stuff my feelings down, I got to the point that I didn’t want to feel anything, even the good. The good, toward the end, was worse than the bad, because I didn’t feel like I deserved the good, so when a good feeling crept in it was immediately followed with guilt, and, fear that something bad was going to quickly come because I didn’t deserve to feel good. Much of the work I have done in recovery has focused on feeling my feelings, all feelings, acknowledging them, giving myself permission to have them, and letting them go. It has been many years since I have been challenged the way I am right now with not wanting to feel.

There has been an ongoing issue with a neighbor, a neighbor, ironically, who suffers from mental illness, and appears to be self-medicating with an illegal substance that affects our home and our own mental health greatly. We have tried through different channels to address this situation and it was decided on, through council, that our best option is to remove ourselves from the situation altogether. This, brought up a lot of feelings. And even though I am an advocate for everything I talk about here at State Of Slay™ I am still human and the feelings that came up knocked me off my feet.

I’ve really struggled, this week in particular, and I realized that since dealing with this issue next door, something that has been so upsetting and traumatizing that I may actually have some emotional damage from it, and, alongside that, the feeling of anger, frustration, and grief at having to leave a home we love because of someone else’s illness. Again, I can see the irony in this, as I was once, very much like this person next door, was living inside the darkness of my disease, although, never brought my disease to someone’s front door and into their home the way this person has. And as a result, I’ve  had a really difficult time through this. I struggled in a way I haven’t for a long time and there were moments in my struggle that scared me. And, it’s interesting being so open about mental health and an advocate for self-care and positive thinking, because I almost didn’t give myself permission to feel what I was feeling, and, to not want to feel it. Having been on this path for so long I have many safety nets in place, and, ultimately know what to do to get myself back on track, openly admitting this to someone I love and trust was a big first step and eased a lot of the shame around it, and digging into the foundation I have built has gotten me on stronger footing already, but it was a bit of scary week. I think, also, having this all come during Suicide Prevention Day and this month of awareness also brought up some old feelings and gave my disease a little bit of a soap box to stand on. I am grateful that I know better to listen, but those all too familiar feelings came up, and they felt awful.

My point for sharing this today is that no matter who you are, how far you’ve come, or what you use for voice for out in the world, you are allowed to feel, whatever that may be, and if those feelings bring you to a place that scares you or gives you concern, reach out to someone and share with them, and do the things you need to do to get yourself back to where you feel safe and at your best. Life does has it’s ups and downs, and most of it is beyond our control, accepting life on life’s terms and doing our best to navigate the twists and turns is all we can do, sitting in our hurt, or hate, or anger, and not accepting the truth only hurts us more. Today I will work on seeing the silver lining in all of this, of what I can learn and take away from my pain, and to use it to shine a light for others who may be feeling the same. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you allow yourself to feel your feelings? How do you do that? Do you share how you feel with others? If not, why not? If yes, do you have a circle of friends or people you trust you can be open and honest with? It’s OK to feel, you are entitled to have feelings, but what’s not OK is letting them dictate how your day is, or life is, or your value as a human being. Feelings are great indicators of what is really going on, they are triggered by memories or situations from our past, and can tell us a great deal about where are mental and spiritually. Let yourself feel and then set those feelings free, thanking them for showing you what you needed to see.

S – self  L – love A – appreciate Y – you

You Are Worth The Effort It Takes To Make You Feel Good

It’s difficult to believe you are worth fighting for if you hadn’t been taught that, have been in an abusive relationship, or believe you may have fallen too far back to ever see the light again. I know for myself, I wasn’t sure I worth fighting for, or, that I could come back from where I was. It’s tough to believe you are worthy of happiness when you feel so badly about yourself, or in my case, even hated yourself. How do you stop making choices that hurt yourself when that may be the only thing you’ve been taught, or, have become accustomed to living that way? It starts with you making decisions and choices that allow you to experience your own sense of worth and get you on a path of believing you are worth believing in.

For me, that journey started by joining a group that allowed me to be honest and open about who I was, what I had done, and where I wanted to go. It was that group that taught me to love myself, they showed me love before I was able to love myself, and through their love I was able to find some of my own. I also found, in identifying myself in their stories and struggles, I was able to find love and compassion for them, and ultimately, for myself. I knew I had a long road ahead of me, and truthfully, it’s a journey that never ends, it’s a daily effort to stay on this path, but it is much less laborious than it was at the start. With the help of those people, with the love of friends and family, and the guidance of professionals, I found a plan of what needed to be done to get me feeling stronger, better and brighter. And, I started to believe I was worth it. I started to focus on that work I know I needed to do, even the tough stuff, but I also focused on the stuff that made me feel good. I started to change my vocabulary, replacing I can’t, with I can, I will and I am, and I started to use that self-destructive energy I had been using to hurt myself for good, and started to practice saying the words to myself that I needed to hear, replacing the negative self-talk with positive encouraging words, enforcing that I was worth the work that needed to be done. As I did this I began to notice things change, shift, and those changes encouraged me to keep going. Today, knowing where I came from, I protect what I’ve worked so hard for, and am not willing to jeopardize it for anything or anyone. What I have today was earned. It started with a small amount of hope that I could have it, and has turned into the beautiful life I have today.

Find the words to say to yourself that you need to hear. Find a group of people, or maybe even one to start, to encourage you to be your best self. Do it because you’re worth it. Do it because you deserve it. Do you it because you believe in yourself, or believe you may believe in yourself one day. Make choices that show yourself that you believe in all of these things, and, believe in you. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you believe you are worth the work? If not, why not? If you do, what have you done to improve yourself or your situation? If you are still working on believing, what can you do today to start to believe? Are there times that you have believed in the past? What changed that belief? What can you do to change it back, knowing you’ve had it before. If you explained to someone who didn’t know you, what words would you choose to describe yourself? How many of those adjectives are positive? How many are negative? What can you do to change those negatives to positives? SLAYER, you are worth the work. You deserve to be who you are meant to be. To shine bright, to share your beautiful unique spirit with the world, and to inspire others to do the same. Do things today that will convince you that you deserve the best.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Honesty Takes Practice

If I’m being honest, I wasn’t always honest in the past. In fact, I wasn’t even honest about how dishonest I was! I had become so accustomed to bending the truth, and justifying it, that my perception of the truth had become so warped I didn’t even know I was doing it a lot of the time. But, there were those time that I did know, and I would lie to manipulate and get what I wanted, or to make myself look better or even embellish a story to make it sound more dynamic than it really was. My dishonesty became a tool I would use to get the result I was looking for. And the more dishonest I was, the more it pulled me down into the darkness where I felt alone and afraid of being found out. My illness wanted me there, and it too lied to me to keep me sick.

It wasn’t until I made the commitment to get better that I made a commitment to be honest. That honesty started the first day by me coming clean with my family and close friends about what had been going on in my life and how sick I was. I knew, if I was going to get better, and make positive changes in my life, I had to be accountable for my actions and I needed to start getting honest with myself and those around me. It was scary, but it was also liberating. In fact, it felt so good that once I started I just kept going, but the tougher work was still ahead of me. I had to change that old behavior of not only lying to others, but to myself, and as I had mentioned, I had become so good at it that I wasn’t even aware at times I was doing it. I had to be vigilant, and I was. There were times I would catch myself lying and didn’t even know why I was lying, just out of habit, those lies felt the worst as I wasn’t even conscious of it, but those bad feelings were enough to encourage me to stop and to catch myself before I started to tell the lie. The more I practiced it the better I got. The hardest part was coming clean with myself and all of the lies and things I had done and lied to myself about. My head wanted to keep blaming myself, shaming myself and keeping myself from getting well, but I knew my honesty was a key part to me getting better, and staying better. There wasn’t anything I had done that couldn’t be forgiven, but that meant I had to also forgive myself, that was the toughest part, but I was taught that part of my forgiveness could take form as a living amends, to myself and those in my life, to make better choices and live honestly as a way of healing that part of me and my life. Looking at it from that perspective allowed me to get to work and through that work I was able to open the door on finding that forgiveness in myself. As the blog titles says, it takes practice.

We all have told little white lies, maybe to protect someone else, maybe to protect ourselves, but even those little ones can easily turn into bigger ones and perhaps into a pattern of lies that we might not even see. It is up to us to keep ourselves in check and keep ourselves in a place of honesty. It is in honesty where we can share our heart and our true selves with those around us, where we can shine bright and be who we are meant to be, and we all deserve to be just that, our best selves. Make sure to catch yourself the next time you bend the truth, or tell a lie, ask yourself why you feel you need to do that, the answer is the key to where to start your healing and your path back to the light. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you always tell the truth? If not, what do you lie about? Do you consider that a big lie? Do you tell, what you would consider, little white lies? Do you count those as lies? If not, why not? How do you think those little white lies hurt you? How do you think they hurt those around you? Why do you think you tell them? Do you sometimes catch yourself lying about something you don’t need to lie about? Why do you think you do that? How can you stop yourself from doing that? It’s always better to be honest, even when honesty isn’t the easier softer way, it’s still better than not telling the truth and it coming out later, or feeling bad about it. Work to be more honest in your life, not only with others, but most of all, with yourself.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you