compassion

Be Gentle With Others When You Are Hurt

When we are hurt, our automatic defense many times is to lash out and hurt someone else, even of they have nothing to do with the reason we’re hurt in the first place. It’s easy to make someone the target of our anger, fear, or pain, but, that is when we need to practice contrary action, take a breath, and be gentle to those around us, just as we would want others to be gentle with us.

I’ve spoken about this before, how a friend, who helped me tremendously at the start of my journey, commented that I had a barbed tongue, and I still can, I just try to cut that barbed wire now before it can hurt somebody, but every once in a while, it still manages to lash out. That barbed tongue is fast, and it’s viscous. It used to be something I was really proud of. Something I had honed over the years to protect myself. Something that always brought about the desired results, to be left alone. Really I wanted everyone to leave me alone to suffer in silence, in isolation, because that’s what I thought I deserved, and if I pushed everyone away, no one was going to discover how deeply damaged I really was. There, also, was a part of me that, the really damaged part, wanted others to feel as bad as I did, that wanted others to suffer, especially those who I thought valued me less than themselves, or, who I deemed had too much good going on in their lives, I played judge and jury and thought it was my right to knock them down a peg or two. That sounds really disgusting to see that in print now, but it’s the truth.

But here’s the real truth, when we are feeling down, when we are angry, when we are feeling less than, it’s important that we are gentle with those around us, to acknowledge the place we’re in, and to also not forget to be gentle with ourselves. Oh yes, we also need to practice gentleness towards ourselves, in fact, when we practice being gentle with ourselves we find it much easier to practice it with others, and, even find some compassion for them. When we recognize our own feelings, moods, and needs, when can then take action to find a solution to them, or at least take action to ease the pain or frustration, and when we can identify that in our own behavior, it gives us a window into those around us, we start to recognize those same feelings, moods, and angers in others, so even when we don’t feel like being kind, or someone isn’t with us, if we’re living in a state of gentleness, we can be gentle back, or at the very least, walk away and not engage so we’re not adding to their pain, and ours.

Here’s another truth about acting gentle towards others when we’re hurt. When we practice doing this our own hurt diminishes. True. When we are kind to someone else, we get out of our own head, our own problems, worries, anger, we shift the focus off of us and onto doing something kind for someone else, and low and behold, our own mood shifts, things become lighter, brighter, better. I know that may sound crazy to you other barbed-tongued SLAYERS, but it’s absolutely true, and, I challenge you to try it. It’s also a fantastic way to break your pattern, to change the direction of what you’ve always done, and create a new trajectory for yourself. It’s kind of the stop, drop and roll of anger management, instead of just igniting in a flurry of flames, or anger, stop, drop and roll, breath, take that breath, and then respond. Our breath is the fire extinguisher of anger, it will put out the flames every time. Practice compassion towards yourself, and towards others that come across your path, you’ll find yourself in far fewer altercations, and you might just start to identify with what connects you to those people on your path, and those connections, keep us in the light.

SLAY OF THE DAY: When you are in anger or in pain do you lash out at those around you? How do you do this? Do you feel badly afterwards? How does it make you feel? Do you apologize? How can you stop yourself from getting into those situations in the first place? Have you ever considered being gentle when you know you are not in a good place? How have you practiced this? How do you feel differently when you’ve practiced gentleness over when you’ve lashed out? How can you, SLAYER, practice gentleness this week? What steps can you take to ensure that you are taking responsibility for your actions? Be kind, be gentle, and remember that goes for you too. SLAY on!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! We are not given a good or bad life, we are given a life, and it’s up to us to make it good or bad.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Good Times

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! When you’re too caught up in what’s happened in the past, you miss what’s right in front of you.

New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Stuck (1)

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Your power comes from living in the present, it is in the present that you can take action.

SLAY on!

State Of Slay Moment

Do What’s In Front Of Your Hands

I talked about this last week on SLAY TALK LIVE, in regards to anxiety. I used to suffer from a lot of anxiety, and typically it was because I was living in the past, or I was living in the future. I wasn’t living in the present. When we worry about things that have happened already, or fixate on circumstances or situations that have already happened, we can feel anxious, we feel anxious because there is nothing we can do to change the past, we just keep rehashing what’s already happened, or we let it dictate what will happen because we haven’t take the necessary steps to correct the behavior or situation so we worry about it happening again. There are also times we live in the future. We fear what may or may not happen, we worry about things that again, we have no control over, because just like the past, we cannot control the future either. What we can control is right here and now. So when I would feel anxious it was suggested to me to focus on what’s in front of my hands.

When you focus on what’s in front of your hands you are present. You are looking at what is right in front of you, and that is something you can control, well, most of the time, but when you’re looking at what is right in front of you you are able to take action, it’s also a way to focus when you’re feeling overwhelmed and have a lot to do. Many times we get side-tracked, or we can procrastinate because we don’t know where to start on our long list of things to get done, but, if you focus on what’s in front of your hands, and start there, you can work your way down your list and it doesn’t seem so daunting.

For me, when I first started my journey on this path, focusing on what was in front of my hands was that magic trick that got me through my day, and it taught me how to zero in and focus on an activity even if there was a lot going on around me, or if I had a lot to do, as I practiced being present the rest of my worries or tasks started to fall away and I got the first task done, and I learned to get it done without feeling anxious. One thing that always quashes anxiety is action, when we take action and do what we can in any given situation our worries about the past or future start to fade away because we are doing what we can in the present moment, also, we are occupied with the doing that we lose the worry.

Our hands are always with us, when you feel anxious, when you are worried or overwhelmed, look at your hands and ask yourself, what is in front of my hands, what can I do to take action right now? It’s a simple trick to tackle a substantial problem.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you often feel overwhelmed or anxious? What causes you to feel that way? Are these things you have control over? Are these things that are active in your present life? Or, are these things have already happened, or have yet to happen? What can you do to take action in your present life to address these things or issues? Do you often get overwhelmed by your to-do list? What happens when you get overwhelmed? What do you do to overcome it? Do you see that by focusing on what’s in front of your hands that you may be able to focus on the task in front of you rather than letting your thoughts hijack you and paralyze you? I challenge you SLAYER to focus on what’s in front of your hands, that when you feel anxious or worry, right that down, acknowledge it, but go back to what is in front of your hands. Tackle each task one at a time, take action where you can, let your past teach you as you move forward in your present day, and keep your thoughts out of the future, none of that has happened yet, and your energies are better spent on the things that are happening right in front of you. Do what’s in front of your hands. SLAY on!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Rock bottom has built more champions than privileged. Use the tough times to build strength, and knowledge for the next time.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Grow

 

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! You never know who else you may help just by sharing your truth, but it will always help you.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Feelings

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! You can only get better through action.

SLAY on!

State Of Slay Fear Failure

Slay Talk Live Video

Hey SLAYER! Didn’t join us tonight for SLAY TALK LIVE, here’s what you missed!

Are You Afraid Of The Solution?

We can get so used to living in our own darkness that we let fear keep us from a solution. Our brain tells us that we can’t get better, our fear backs that up with unhelpful thoughts that are based on old information and stories that don’t have to be, or may not be, our present, but if we let them dictate our lives, they will continue to hold us back, and they’ll keep telling us those same old stories and those same old fears will keep us from getting well. We have the power each day to make better choices for ourselves, to take positive steps that will walk us into the light, to give us tools to live a life we deserve, and one that can be our “new normal.” It’s incredible how much pain many of us endure, at our own hands, because it’s what we’ve come to know, and even though we may not be happy there, we stay, because it’s the normal we do know, the thought of stepping out of that normal into something healthier, brighter, and better may be so scary we’d rather stay in the dark and continue to suffer there, even though there may be solutions all around us, and, people to help us get there. We are the only ones standing in our own way of recovery, or a better way of life. And as hard is it may be to believe for someone looking in at us, we might even be hanging on to that part of our life, not wanting to let go and set ourselves free. We may identify with it so much that the thought of it no longer being a part of our lives may leave us wondering who we would be without it. Who we would be, and could be, is our authentic selves. The people we were meant to be, who we aspire to be, who we can be. We can have all of the things we would like, it is going to take work, likely a lot of it, but there is no better person to invest in than yourself. Change can be scary, but look at it like you are giving yourself a software update, you are still you, but with some upgraded features to make you run more smoothly, more secure, and maybe with some new apps, or bells and whistles to make your life run easier.

All sounds good right? So what holds us back. Our friend fear. I talk a lot about find out the facts, well, fears aren’t facts, they are feelings, and feelings aren’t always accurate information, feelings can have all kinds of things attached to them that we’re not even aware of, things from our past, things that haven’t even every happened. When we live in fear we are not living in the present moment, we are living in the past or the future, when we live in the present moment, and are always looking at the facts we have, what we know to be true for sure, we are safe, we can make sound decisions, and we can start to let go of those fears that haunt us. Our brains like things to stay the same, they like to know what’s coming next, or what the outcome will be, and when things are changing fear likes to jump in and tell us it’s protecting us, but it’s really holding us back. It’s when we walk through those fears that they start to lose their power over us, and when we practice walking through those fears, our brain stops telling us to be afraid because it now has proof that when we’ve made changes everything is still OK, in fact, it’s probably more than OK and is better, so it stops trying to, well, stop us. The trick is to walk forward even if you’re in fear and trust that if you’re doing something that is for your greater good, that it’s going to be OK, and if it’s not, then you’ve learned a valuable lesson to be used for the next time, but even that is good, it’s learning, it’s growth.

I know for myself when I started to get better it felt very uncomfortable, I felt uncomfortable in my own skin because I was used to wearing the skin that I had been wearing for years and years, and even that skin didn’t feel good, I knew what that skin felt like, it was familiar to me, and when I started to make changes in my life, that skin no longer felt good, but neither did the new skin, it felt foreign, but I was told from many who had walked this path before me that it would feel uncomfortable at first, but to keep wearing it because one day it would feel great, it was just my brain trying to pull me back to the place I had been. I learned to get comfortable in the uncomfortable, and now I know when I’m there it’s because I’m changing, and, that’s a good thing. In fact, when I get too comfortable I know that’s the time to challenge myself again, that I’ve gotten lazy, so now that comfortable place I used to sit in is no longer desirable because I want to continue to grow and continue to challenge myself.

I know you can do this, I did, and I doubted I could many times when I began this journey, but I just kept putting on foot in front of the other, and I surrounded myself with like-minded people to support me on my journey. Walk through your fear, let go of the past, and step into who you are meant to be.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you let your past dictate your present? How do you do this? Why do you do this? How do you think it hurts you? What step can you take today to overcome this? Do you think you let the comfort of staying where you are keep you from moving forward? Why do you think you do this? What fears keep you from moving forward? What are these fears based on? How can you overcome them? SLAYER, I know you have it in you to become your best self, but you have to work to move forward each day, and on those days when you fall back, and you will, you have to get right back up again and keep trudging forward, as someone who has walked before you, I promise, the more steps you take, the easier the journey becomes. SLAY on.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you