Author: Carrie Genzel

Never, Never Again

There were so many times in my life, before walking this path, that I would say never again. And yet, I would repeat those same behaviors over and over, even the ones I knew were self-destructive and were taking down an even darker road than I was already on. My attitude, always, was, well if I’ve already messed up this little bit I might as go whole hog and hit the “f*ck it button.” There was no middle ground, I was either doing great, or down in the dumps, I gave myself no room for anything in between. Living within those tight parameters I was setting myself up to fail, most of the time, and truthfully that’s where my head wanted me, to constantly be failing so I would increasingly get worse and think there was no way out. But there was.

When I finally fell to my knees and was able ask for help, I was told it takes time to break old habits and to begin a new way of life, and that even if I made mistakes, or failed in my opinion, that was part of the recovery process. That I had to wrap my head around. Failure was part of the process? Well, the truth was, it wasn’t really “failure,” it was all just part of the process, something I had to learn as I fell and got back up again. I also learned that those falls were where I learned the most, so they, for me, were an essential part of the process. I had to find comfortabililty in the gray areas between what I viewed as “right” or “wrong.” Being OK in the gray wasn’t easy at first because the minute I wasn’t perfect at this new way of life and slipped back into old behaviors or patterns, that negative bullshit committee in my head would pipe up and say, “see, you can’t do it!” In fact, they would scream it. And, I had to learn to say, “you’re lying, I can, watch me.”

Change takes time. It takes of trying, over and over again, until it becomes less effort. Until it becomes a part of who you are and not something you have to think about anymore. You are going to fail, or fall, or make mistakes, that’s part of making changes, but the important thing is to not give up, to keep going, to do better next time, or try again. Don’t put those parameters on yourself and say never again, you may do it again, you may do it many times before you stop doing it, and even when you stop doing it, you may do it another time. Allow yourself to have some wiggle room, to be in the gray space in between, where you’re trying your best, and that’s good enough, it is actually more than good enough. It was pointed out to me in my early journey that I had done things the old way much longer than I had the new way, so it wasn’t fair to beat myself for falling back to what I knew or once did, but I always had the chance to do it better the next time. And that’s what I did. It’s been over 13 years now and sometimes I can still fall back, but I know now that when I do it’s just a moment and it’s not who I am today, and maybe I fall back from time to time to remind myself where I don’t want to fall back to, and that’s OK, because today I know the right choices for me and what I need to do to live this life I’ve worked so hard for, a slip from time to time isn’t the end of the world, it’s just part of the process.

Allow yourself to make mistakes, and when you do, never say never again, say, I’ll do better next time, or I’ll try to, or, I did my best today. No one is perfect, and embracing those times we may fall back, and learning to look at them as learning opportunities rather than failures is the mindset that will get us to the place we’re working so hard for, I know, because I got there, and I know you can too. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you feel like you’ve failed if you fall back on old behaviors? Do you beat yourself up for it? Do you set strict parameters for yourself that you can’t possibly live within to grow and learn naturally? Why do you think you do this? How do you think you can ease those parameters to let yourself grow and make mistakes as part of your process and journey? What do you think will happen if you do? Let yourself live in the gray area sometimes, let go of the restrictions of right or wrong and let yourself find your way, always striving to do better the next time if you haven’t made the best choice in the moment, let yourself find the right way and not beat yourself up for the mistakes along the way, those mistakes might just be what’s guiding you to the right choice the next time.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! If you can carry love in your heart, you can heal any moment.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Choose Life

Immobilized By Sadness

I used to let my sadness immobilize me. I’d let it wash over me and take me out to sea, where I’d just float in my sadness until one day I’d wash up on shore again. I was out to sea with my sadness much more than I was on shore before walking this path. I’d let my anger do the same, let it take over, feeling paralyzed. It’s awful being in that place, feeling hopeless, helpless and without a way out. I can still feel that way, but now I know I can’t let it take hold of me the way it once did, it’s too hard to get back.

That sadness, and anger, took hold me other night and the following morning. I got up anyway, and trudged forward, and then finally sank back into bed with the blanket over my head. I knew I couldn’t let myself stay there, and it’s rare that I even indulge the way I did that morning, but I let myself succumb to it, giving myself a time limit to sink back in. Sometimes I allow myself to fall back so I remember how bad it feels, and it did feel bad, but there was also a part of me that relished it, and just wanted to tune out the world and stay there. I made myself get up, I had too much to do just to hide in my room, and I kept trudging forward once again. But the sadness stayed, like a veil over the day, a veil that sometimes I would trip over and be reminded of throughout the day. I knew it would pass, in fact, most of it has already, but I used to believe my head when it would tell me that it never would, and that I would always be drifting in the sea of sadness, that thought would immobilize me and I would just stay there.

Today I focus on forward motion. That’s not to say I rush through, I do focus on getting to the heart of what’s really going on, and what feelings and emotions might also be tagging along from my past. I am in forward motion, but at my own pace. And we all have different paces. Don’t rush through because you want to feel better without figuring out what triggered the sadness and why, but don’t let yourself get washed out to sea either. For me, it takes a lot of checking in, really seeing where I’m at and if I’m just lingering the old-time sake, or if I am where I’m supposed to be in my process. Forward motion, always, even if it’s an inch at a time.

Only we suffer when we let our sadness immobilize us, and speaking from my own experience, if you let yourself float too far out to sea, it can be nearly impossible to get back, I nearly didn’t. We should acknowledge our sadness, and even talk about it, that alone may quash it and send it packing, but even if it doesn’t, reminding yourself to keep moving forward, and, if you’re not able to come to a concrete solution, to just let it go, you won’t get stuck in it. Do the work you need to get on the other side of it, and to put it in perspective, it can be easy to blow it up into something bigger than it is, or to only see your point-of-view, sometimes the way out is looking at it through someone else’s eyes, that may be the life-preserver you need. Either way, you are the one who can break free of your sadness, focus on the good in your life, and do something good for you, that will get you moving out of sadness and into happiness. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you let your sadness overtake you and immobilize you? How? Why? What can you do to not let it take over? What typically triggers your sadness? Is that something you can control or change? When it gets triggered, how long does your sadness immobilize you? How can you shorten that time? How can you not let it immobilize you at all? Find out what triggers your sadness, and when it happens focus on moving through it, instead of letting it move through you. Take control and learn from your sadness, and then let it go. You have the power to do that SLAYER, I know you do.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Loneliness Is Curable

If someone had told me that my loneliness was curable before stepping on this path I would have laughed. I had always felt lonely, even in a big room full of people. I always felt apart from everyone else, different, and those feelings kept me from connecting with others. I always had friends, and had several long-term romantic relationships, but I never really let anyone in completely, fearing that what they would find in me they wouldn’t like, because I didn’t like myself on the inside. That feeling of loneliness was always present in my day-to-day life. What I didn’t realize is that I held the key to that loneliness, I could let people in and find a peace and love in myself to wipe out the loneliness I felt.

Just as we hold the key to most of our suffering, we hold the key to our recovery from our past. For me, I found a way to connect with a spiritual way of life, to find a belief in something greater than myself. That took some time, even though I had always believed there was something out there, I was told it was up to me to find something that I could connect to and nurture a relationship with. I set out to find something that wanted the best for me, that was there to guide me and watch out for me, and I started to talk and connect with that idea. That alone wasn’t enough, but it was a great start. As that connection grew stronger I started to feel less alone, and that along with making an effort to connect with others like myself, who were on a similar path, those feelings of loneliness started to subside. It wasn’t always easy at the start, to reach out to people I didn’t really know, but it helped to focus on our commonality and those things I knew we shared and when I was able to do that asking someone to meet for a coffee or for their phone number became less scary, and as I did that and formed new friendships and relationships my life got richer and fuller. I still maintained many of the friendships from before, but it helped to form new ones with people who understood the journey I was on.

We, many times, impose our own loneliness, we sentence ourselves to be alone, because we may not feel worthy, or may not like ourselves or convince ourselves we don’t deserve to have good people in our lives, we do, but we have to believe we do and then set out to form those friendships. And, if you live in a smaller community where it’s more difficult to find people like yourself, find them online, find groups or fandoms that you can relate to, and that have common interests, goals or ways of life that coincide with yours. They’re out there. There are so many ways to cure your loneliness, all it takes is some effort on your part, no matter where you find yourself, no matter what interests or excites you, there are people just like you who will not only accept you, but embrace you, so let them know you’re out there and invite them in. Your loneliness is within your control, take your power back and let yourself live as your true self, allowing others to celebrate who you are along with you. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you feel lonely? When do you feel lonely? Why do you think you feel lonely? Have you always felt lonely, or was there a specific time or event that started your loneliness? Do you feel like there is something missing from your life? If so, what is it? Are you able to identify it? Do you have a spiritual belief or relationship in your life? If so what is it? When you connect with something greater than yourself, do you feel less lonely? Does connecting with it give you comfort or make you feel more confident? Do you have trouble making new friends, or seeking out new people with similar interests or a similar journey? If not, why not? What gets in your way? Find the courage, SLAYER, to reach out those like yourself if you’re feeling alone, work on engaging with those people and find a commonality with them you can connect to. You can cure your own loneliness, but it takes work, so get to work and kick loneliness to the curb!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Sometimes we can help the most by just listening.

SLAY on!

State Of Slay Talk Too Much

Slay Talk Live Video

Hey SLAYERS! Missed us tonight for SLAY TALK LIVE, don’t worry, I’ve got you covered.

SLAY on!

W.A.I.T. – Why Am I Talking?

I was with a group of people yesterday and we were talking about how the greatest gift, or way of being of service to someone, is to listen. Many times that’s all anyone wants, to be heard, and yet, too many times we chime in with our opinion or experience before they’ve had a chance to finish. One of the people in our group had said that he used to have that problem, of interrupting before someone was done, but he uses the acronym W.A.I.T! Now, before he speaks up he asks himself why he’s talking, if it’s important to interrupt what’s being said, is it adding to the conversation, is it useful, it’s helping the other person or people in the group, and is it the truth, or, is it his ego speaking for him to look superior to the group or in front of that person. I smiled. I used to be guilty of interrupting, especially when I knew I was wrong. I figured if I didn’t give the other person time to finish and finished it for them I would appear to have all the answers and already knew what they were going to say, or, that I knew better, so to save time they should just listen to me and stop talking. The truth is, I had a lot to learn by staying quiet and listen…and still do, we all do.

When we allow someone to finish what they’re saying, and may need to say, we are showing them respect, a respect we all deserve, and by pausing and listening to them we may also learn some new information, what we’re also saying by not saying anything is that we are still teachable and open to new ideas, something that is imperative for our continued growth, intellectually and spiritually. By pausing it also allows us to do a quick spot check, in terms of what we’re wanting to say, to ask ourselves why we feel we need to say it, and if it’s something that will move the conversation forward, or are we speaking up for different reasons that only serve us? Or, are we responding out of fear, anger, or jealously? Again, if we take a moment to pause and get in touch with our intentions for wanting to speak up, or respond, it gives us that moment to let those immediate emotions calm down so we can make a better decision about what and if we’re going to respond.

When I started on this path I had to basically throw out most of what I knew. I had to start from scratch. And I had to question my motives and instincts always at the start. My reactions to things were almost always fear based, so I was often quick to respond and jump in, many times regretting what I said and did later. I too, was told to W.A.I.T. and it was that pause that helped me not to hurt others by stepping all over their conversation and trying to sound smarter and better than they were. I also learned how important it was to be heard. I had a lot of questions, feelings and emotions at the start of this journey, many I had trouble making sense of, and if someone took the time to sit to listen to me, even when it didn’t make much sense, it meant so much to me, and most times, even just by saying it out loud, even without a response, I would figure out the issue, but also, many times, it allowed someone else who had been where I was to share their experience with me and offer some suggestions. Those exchanges helped me heal, and I learned a lot from them, not only by finding answers to my questions, but also it taught me how to be a good listener myself.

Everyone wants and deserves to be heard, make sure you’re not taking that moment away from someone who really needs it to feed our own ego. You might just learn something yourself by pausing and making yourself W.AI.T. and asking yourself, why am I talking? SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you let others speak or are you always quick to chime in? Why do you think you do that? When you think about not doing that, what comes up? What do you feel? Where do you think that need comes from? What can you do to change it? When someone takes the time to listen to you, how does that make you feel? What do you think you can learn by pausing and not immediately jumping in a conversation? Try to pause SLAYER, and W.A.I.T., ask yourself, why am I talking? If it’s not adding something positive to the conversation, then maybe just listen and see what you can learn.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! No one comes into our lives by accident.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Smallest Thank You

Those We Miss

I found out last week that a woman I used to see at the Pilates studio I attend passed away. Her name was Julie. She was a New Yorker with a lot of spunk, never shy to chime in with her opinion. She wasn’t one to warm up to new people, but we hit it off right away with our glances during class, our love of dogs and sharing of political sketches from the last SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE. We never exchanged phone numbers, but would always say goodbye to each other before leaving the studio with a smile and a “I’ll see you”…whatever day our next class was together. The last time I saw her we did just that. “See you Wednesday,” I said, and left looking forward to seeing her the next time we had class together. I never did see her again. I had noticed she hadn’t been coming to class, which was unusual, and assumed she had come down with a cold or flu, it is that season, but after a week and a half had gone it seemed strange that I hadn’t seen her. I was told that she passed away, that she had been found in her home unresponsive. It hit me hard. This woman, who I didn’t know outside of the studio, was someone, in 3 ½ months, I had made a connection with, someone who always made me smile, and someone who come over to me when I was new to the studio and made me feel welcome. Something she was not known for. It’s been over a week since I learned of her passing and it still hits me every time I walk into the studio that she won’t be there. I hadn’t realized how much of an impact she had made on me until she was gone.

It got me thinking. How many people do we have in our lives, people we may see where we work, at our favorite coffee shop, or maybe one of our neighbors who we don’t really know but make an impact in our day-to-day lives? How many beautiful souls do we exchange smiles with, pleasantries with or just look to see if they are there? And how many of them would we miss if they were no longer there? I find myself missing Julie deeply, to the point where often I find I have tears in my eyes when I open the door to the studio for a class we frequently both took. I think back and wonder if there was something more I could have done to let her know how much she meant to me, even more than just a few minutes of banter we would share before or after class, but I think she knew, and I think it meant just as much to her as it did me. I wonder how many people we impact and don’t even know it. I’ve certainly had people, people I didn’t even know, come up to me and thank me for just showing up, for consistently being somewhere and being reliable, for always walking in with a smile, and so I realize that just by being myself and by being conscious of those around me, I may leave a lasting impression on someone, and I try to remember that when even doing the most mundane of tasks, every moment is an opportunity to make someone feel good, or worthy, or appreciated.

The feeling of loss around Julie has taken me a bit by surprise, the heaviness of it, and I know if I was able to tell her today how I felt, she’d probably send back a quick, “ah, get over it,” with a smirk in her sharp New York way, but perhaps my feeling of loss around her was meant to make the impact it has because I need to be more vocal about how I feel about everyone in my life, not just those in my immediate circle, but anyone I consistently see or talk to and let them know what they mean to me, even if it’s the smallest exchange. As they say, you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone, and that is so true, but what if we make an effort to look at what we do have, and make sure we appreciate those people today, and let them know we do, while we still can. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you make an effort to let people know what they mean to you? Do you make an effort to reach out or be kind to the people you meet, or see on a regular basis? Of those people, is there someone who you would truly miss if they were no longer there? Let them know SLAYER, let them know what they mean to you, share that with them, you never know when it might be too late.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! It’s not the unknown that we fear, it’s what we think we know about the unknown that we fear.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay What We Know