I’ve been there. I mean, clowns are one thing—but for me, the pattern showed up in the people I kept allowing back into my life.
Before I began walking this healing path, I lived with a lot of magical thinking. I believed that if I hoped hard enough, people or situations would just… change. And each time they didn’t, I was left hurt, disappointed, and confused. Still, I’d go back—again and again—expecting a different outcome.
For a while, I told myself it was about giving people the benefit of the doubt. But if I’m being honest, some of it was rooted in a narrative I was used to telling: that I couldn’t trust people, that others would always let me down, that I was the victim. A lot of it, though, was simply expecting someone to show up differently than they ever had before—despite all the evidence to the contrary.
When We Hope Instead of Accept
Even after I started healing, I still found myself getting hurt in these same dynamics. The difference was, I had more awareness. I knew I couldn’t expect people to be who I wanted them to be. But because I was changing, because I was growing and showing up differently, I’d start to think—maybe they are too.
Spoiler: They weren’t.
At least not in the way I hoped. They were still who they had always been. And I was still getting hurt.
People show us who they are. We’re the ones who often refuse to believe them. We soften the truth, sugarcoat their behavior, make excuses. But deep down, we know what’s real. We just don’t always want to accept it.
Expecting Different From What’s Always Been
We can’t expect different from someone who’s always shown us the same. Yes, people can change—I have changed—but we can’t expect it. We can share how something made us feel. We can suggest a different way of communicating. But at the end of the day, some people will always return to their default patterns. And that may not change—no matter how much we grow.
The only thing we can control is us:
- Our boundaries
- Our expectations
- Our willingness to engage
We can’t keep going back to the same well and be surprised when it’s still empty. Eventually, it’s not about them. It’s about why we keep going back.
Lead by Example—And Accept What Is
The most powerful way to inspire change is by living it.
When we shift how we communicate, how we hold boundaries, how we show up—we naturally invite others to do the same. But even then, they may not follow. And we have to be okay with that.
Because we’re only responsible for our own energy. We can’t change someone else. We can only change how we engage with them—or choose not to.
This lesson didn’t sink in for me right away. I returned to the same dynamics more than once, hoping this time it would be different. Hoping the same people would finally see me, show up for me, offer something they’d never offered before.
And each time, I left disappointed.
Eventually, the mirror flipped. The problem wasn’t just them—it was me continuing to hope for something that had never been there.
The Truth Isn’t Always Harsh—But It Is Honest
It’s not always easy to accept the truth about someone, especially if that truth means letting go of what we wish they could be.
Accepting someone for who they are doesn’t mean you hate them. It doesn’t even mean they’re a bad person. It just means they aren’t capable of offering you what you need.
And that might mean setting boundaries. It might mean pulling back. Or it might mean walking away entirely.
The truth is: you can’t blame the clown for acting like a clown if you keep showing up at the circus.
You have the power to exit the tent.
Take people for who they are—not who you hope they’ll become—and honor yourself by accepting that truth.
SLAY Reflection: Your Turn to Get Honest
Take a moment to reflect with these questions:
- Do you find yourself going back to the same people, expecting different results?
- Is there someone in your life you’re still hoping will change, despite a long pattern of behavior?
- What are you really seeking from them—support, love, validation? Have they ever truly given it?
- What boundaries could you set to protect your peace, even if they don’t change?
- What would it look like to stop hoping—and start accepting?
Call to Action: Join the Conversation
I’d love to hear from you.
What’s one situation or relationship you’ve kept returning to, hoping it would change—and what finally helped you step away?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.
And if you know someone who’s stuck in a cycle of disappointment, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.
