process

Even Though You Might Not See It, Things Are Changing

I was speaking with a friend yesterday who has been going through a difficult time as she recovers from a trauma. She felt discouraged at her progress, and didn’t feel like she was moving forward fast enough. She had been feeling disconnected from her friends and family and had been afraid to leave her house. I was grateful that we had made a plan to meet up and she was able to join in on a group discussion with friends.

I related a lot to how she is feeling. When I started my journey in recovery I started out feeling great, like a weight had been lifted off of me, just admitting I had a problem and making a commitment to seek treatment for that problem set me off on a high I hadn’t ever felt. I rode that high for a while until one day I fell flat. I was told it was common for this to happen, and then there it was, happening to me. I felt let down, scared and confused. I was working so hard to better myself and get well, so why did I feel this way?

For me, one reason why is that I had taken away all of the crutches I had used in the past to get through the day. I couldn’t rely on any of things that I had and felt like I was standing out, exposed and alone with an empty tool box, not sure how to navigate through these new waters, but I knew I had to hang in there and learn new ways, healthier ways, to deal with this new life, and my fears and insecurities. And as time went on I did learn new ways, and I started to fill up my tool box with better tools. I started to live this new way of life and feeling good about it, and then, that’s when the anger set in. At first it confused me. Why was I feeling angry when I was doing so many things that were good for me, and was making progress in leaving my old destructive habits behind? Well, the truth was, and it took me a while back then to realize it, is that now that I had taken all the distractions away I was now left with the actual problems, not just the ways I used to hide or cope with them, those issues were much bigger than what I thought the problem was. It was during this time I had to dig deep into what I had already learned and lean into the support around me, things had gotten really real.

I remember feeling like my friend yesterday, feeling like the pain was insurmountable, that it was never going to go away and that it was taking too long to work through. There were many days I felt defeated, or that there may be no hope, but I was encouraged to keep going, that the change was happening, I just wasn’t seeing it yet.

You can’t put at timeline on change. Especially when it comes to those deep rooted traumas we may have suffered. It will take the time it does to get through it, and, it may be a lifelong journey to walk through it with grace. For me, the toughest parts have past, but there are days when it flairs back up again and slaps me in the face. Old wounds are like onions, they have many layers, and I now know to expect that there will be times, and typically unexpected ones, where another layer will peel away to reveal another piece of the trauma that I will need to deal with. But having the ability to look back at where I started, much has changed, and most of that anger and resentment has been long gone because of the work I did early in my recovery. We tend to see the change in ourselves last, everyone else has a clearer sense of where we are because we are living it, and are hoping and expecting it to dissipate at a speed of our choosing, but it will when we are ready and when the work has been done.

As I said to my friend yesterday, find some comfortableness in your uncomfortablenss, an impossible sounding task I know, but when I was able to find some comfort in that place my journey to the other side it became easier, less tortured, it was still difficult, but I found some acceptance there until I was able to reach the other side.

When you’re doing the work to better yourself and to get well, there are changes every day, some may be smaller than others, but they’re there, and even if they’re all small, when they’re added up, they make some pretty big changes. Trust the path you are on, and keep moving forward, even if it’s only an inch at a time, one day you’ll look back and see just how far you’ve come. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Are you going through a difficult time? How so? What are you working on or through? What have you been doing to work through it? Looking back at where you started, what has changed? What would you like to see change? How can you go about achieving that change? If you don’t know, who can you go to to assist you in this change? You are capable of anything, as long as you continue to move forward, to work as hard as you can and as honestly as you can each day, knowing that the days will ebb and flow, some days will be easier than others, but if you keep going, and trusting you are where you are for a reason, you will find some peace on the other side. I speak from experience, and I am here in that place waiting for you.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Life has no remote, get up and change yourself.

New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Taller

If You Slip Up, Get Up

Before walking this path if I slipped while trying to work on a goal or practice a new lifestyle I’d throw the whole thing out. One mistake to me meant failure so what was the use in continuing? It would take days, weeks, months, sometimes years before I would try again. If ever. It was all or nothing, and even with the willpower I had, I wasn’t immune to mistakes are slips, and the moment they happened the negative bullshit committee in my head would pipe up, telling me I was a loser, wrong for thinking I could do it and I would never accomplish what I was setting out to do. I would believe those voices and slip back into my depression, undoing what I had begun to accomplish before the slip.

What took me a while to learn was that a slip wasn’t the end of the world, in fact, it is part of the process, or journey, and that sometimes we learn the most, or what we need to from those slips to move forward. Many times when I slipped back into old behavior I realized that it didn’t feel good anymore, or it wasn’t the place I wanted to be, so even when, out of habit or default, I slipped back there, if I didn’t give up, it helped me to keep moving forward, and the further away I got from that old place, the less I wanted to slide back there one more time.

No one ever does things perfectly, the slips are part of the process, and a way we test ourselves to see if we really want what we’re working for, some of us too are a little more defiant than others, and we, even though we know better, rebel against positive changes and try to self-sabotage what we’re working so hard for, and that’s OK too, as long as you get back on track and are able to be honest about the actions you chose to take that slid you back. There is no real timeline, we work at our own pace, and some of us work faster than others, quick or slow, it doesn’t matter, as long as we get to where we are working to get to, or, where we are meant to be.

I used to carry shame when I slipped up, but that was only me punishing myself for not being perfect, no one else was judging me or thinking less of me because I made a mistake, so I had to learn to love myself through the slips, acknowledge them, what my part was, and get up and keep moving on. I have done that for over 13 years now, and each time I’ve gotten up I’ve taught myself that a) I can get up, and b) there’s no shame in the slip up, and that maybe that was something I need to do in order to motivate me to really make some of the bigger changes I needed to make to get me here.

We all have our own journey and own path. No two journeys are alike, and none of them work on the same timeline. Move at your own pace, with love and grace, do the best you can, or what you can, each day, each moment, and never let yourself believe that if you slip you can’t get up again. That slip may just help you get up and get to that place you’ve been working so hard to get to all along. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you tend throw away all the work you’ve done if you’ve made a mistake or slipped? Why do you do this? How does that make you feel? What do you tell yourself when you slip? Do you encourage yourself to keep going? Or, do you hurl all kinds of negative insults at yourself? If someone else in your life slipped, what what you say to them? Why don’t you tell yourself those same things when you slip? Do you have a support group, or trusted friends or family, who can support you in those times you slip? Reach out to them if you’re having a time of doubt or negative self-talk, let them love and support you as you get up again. We all slip, that’s not anything to be embarrassed about, but make sure you remember that the important part isn’t the slip, it’s how you got back up.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! In the process of letting go you will lose many things, but you will find yourself.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Change The World

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! You are exactly where you are supposed to be. It doesn’t mean you are meant to stop here, but it does mean you are meant to learn here.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Trust The Process

There Is Purpose In The Process

We live in a very result oriented society. It’s easy to only focus on what the end result will be, or what we want it to be, instead of enjoying, or, taking note, of the journey to get there. Many times, the journey is meant to be the result. Life is about learning, growing, changing, and so sometimes life will dangle a juicy carrot in front of us, so we’ll take the leap and start doing the work, when the carrot was really never the actual prize after all, it was the journey itself. There is purpose in the process.

When I first stepped on this path I had a goal in mind, I had set a date, a milestone for myself, with a very distinctive end result, that I wouldn’t want to die, and I did get that result by the desired date, but what I also got was the realization that all of those days between day one and and that date I had set for myself, all of the work, the new relationships, the changes, the challenges, were just as important, if not more so, as the actual goal. Yes, not wanting to die was a very important goal to reach, but all of that other stuff laid down the foundation from where I could continue to build and of where I stand today. We get so stuck on what the prize is, that we don’t realize the journey is also the prize. It may not feel like it as we struggle, step out of our comfort zone and walk through fear, but it is. The fact that we are doing all of those things, or have done them, is the prize. No matter what the end result, we win.

Today I certainly still have goals and places I’d like to reach in my personal growth, but I don’t worry so much about them as I do staying present during the process. And I also know, from walking on this path, that sometimes that carrot is only there to entice me to start, and that prize was never meant to be mine in the first place, because what I was going to learn along the way was far more valuable. So I don’t question it. I don’t try to figure it out, I just try to be present and in the moment, and looking for opportunities to learn and grow, looking for what I am supposed to be taking away from all of the challenges and obstacles that come my way, and making note of the victories. It’s all of those things that, when I’m paying attention, give me the courage to keep moving forward, to keep challenging myself, and that give me the knowledge that no matter how scared I might be, or overwhelmed, that I will walk through it for the better, because I have so many times before. As my life has settled down, mainly because I stopped creating chaos many years ago, I now that get rush when I do something that I’m afraid to do, but it’s a better rush, because I’m not going to have to clean up a mess after, or hide from what I’ve done, I now can use those victories to share with others, to encourage them to do the same, as was done for me by countless others who had walked before me.

What if you slowed down today, and thought about the process? Took note of each of the steps you have taken to get where you are today. Where you would like to go, and how you are going to get there. Now, you’re not going to know all the steps you need to take going forward, but at least the first step, keep your eyes on the prize as it where, but, keep paying attention to the process, therein lies the greatest prizes of all. SLAY on.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Are you someone who is very result oriented? Do you get so stuck on the results that you try to rush or force the process to get there? What do you think you might be missing during the process? Do you ever think that you’re not getting what you want because you’re prize is actually learning during the process? Does that scare you? Why? SLAYER, as I’ve said before, we only know a little, we only know our part and not how it fits into the big grand picture of things, so trust the journey, the path you are on, and trust that those challenges you encounter are coming to you for a reason, so the reaction is not, why is this happening to me, the question is, what am I supposed to learn from this, and it may just be patience, to just take each step as it comes and know you are exactly where you are supposed to be and at the time you are supposed to be at. Let go your expectations, your restraints, let go, and just be.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Failure is not falling down, it’s refusing to get up. In order to stand up, you’ve got to know what’s like to fall down.

SLAY on!

State Of Slay Fall Down

New Year, New You

Today is New Year’s Eve. The end of one year and the beginning of another. I’ve never been one for New Year’s Resolutions, I’ve always made commitments to myself as I feel I’m ready for them, or ready for the challenge of them, so the idea of having to come up with them on a specific day has never really appealed to me. What I do like is the idea of a clean slate. A fresh page. A new year gives us a marker and chance to hit the restart button and start again. Now, we’re still us walking into the new year, but maybe we’re us with a different perspective, with new goals, or a drive to find what we’re looking for. It’s a time to take a deep breath and let go of the past to make room for something new. The problem I have with resolutions is that we seem to set ourselves up to fail. We set them thinking we should have them, people ask us what they are, there’s that anticipation that we have to have answers when asked, and so we set forth and make a list that we may not be fully ready to commit to, or truly have any intention of taking action on. So, if we do feel pressured to make a list, and there is no real pressure to, or we’re just wanting to set some goals for ourselves as we head into a new year, how do we make better choices when it comes to finding out what we really do intend to change, or want to change?

First, it’s asking ourselves why we’re wanting things to change, and what we’re wanting to change? What is our motivation behind seeking out this change? Why is it important to us? How will it help us or benefit us? And these answers should have answers that pertain to us, not how we’ll look to others, or if they’ll help someone else, these should be our goals or changes that will help us to become the people we want to be, who we aspire to be, because deep down we know we are those people. It’s about uncovering our true selves and getting rid of old habits we used to use to get by, or survive, or possibly hide who we truly were. Our goals or resolutions, if we want to stick with that label, should not be born out of judgment of ourselves, or comparison of those around us. They should come from a truth inside of us that we know we should change because what we are wanting to let go of is no longer serving us, or possibly never did. These goals should be internal goals, done for internal reasons, not because they’ll look good on the outside, when we do what we think we should do, or we do something to please someone else, but we don’t believe it in our heart, we are setting ourselves up to fail. We should only do what we know is right for us and do it for us, only then do we have a chance to overcome that particular hurdle and succeed.

We also have to give ourselves time. Change doesn’t happen overnight. We can make some changes, but we have give ourselves time to let those changes settle in, and also, give ourselves some leeway to know we’re going to revert back to our old ways from time to time, change takes time, and it takes practice, so even if you fall back, don’t just throw in the towel, understand that’s part of the process, learn from it, and keep going. The more you do something, the more it becomes your new normal. Failure is a part of the process. Always remember why you’re making the change and how it affects you personally. Remember why you’re doing what you’re doing.

Having the awareness that you want to change and what you want to change is a catalyst for change. Awareness is half the battle, the rest is doing it. So really look at your life, who you are, what you do, how you interact with the world around you and be honest with yourself, are you living as your true self? What areas can you improve on? What areas can you really shine? It can be hard to take an honest look at ourselves, but change doesn’t happen if we keep telling ourselves the same story and living in a place that doesn’t allow us to be our best selves. Take a cold hard look at you, the stuff that makes you flinch, or makes you uncomfortable, that’s the perfect place to stop and take a look and ask yourself why it does. Anything can be changed for the better, we all have the ability to make changes and live a fuller life. Once we make some decisions and put a plan in motion it changes our trajectory, our direction, and sets us on a new path, and if we stay true to that path, and true to us, that path will continue to give back to us and will continue to give us what we need on this new path.

Really, we can change or start something new any day of the year, but why not take some time today to reflect on what things in your life you would like to change that are in your reach to change. Write them down, and write down the steps you can take to make those changes happen. Only we know what is best for us, and only we can do the work to make sure we are and have the best for us. So roll up your sleeves SLAYER, this is a great time to dig into your toolbox and find the tools you need to be your best you this year. SLAY on.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you typically set New Year’s Resolutions for yourself at the beginning of year? Do you stick to them? If you don’t, why do you think you fail? Are they realistic? Why don’t you follow through? Searching your heart, what change would you like to see this year for yourself? How can you make these changes happen? If you don’t know, ask those around you, with those you trust or who maybe inspire you, ask them how they might go about achieving the same goal. Find those things you think are holding you back, those things you might hide behind, or use as protection, make a commitment to get rid of them, to get out from behind them, to allow yourself to be your best you and shed those things you no longer need, those things that are only holding you back. Give yourself the gift of self empowerment, of doing what’s best for you, and following through on letting your best parts shine.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you