normal

Celebrate Instead Of Isolate

The holiday season is here and it’s a time that may not be all that jolly for everyone. I know for myself, before I started my journey on my current path, I dreaded all holidays. It was a time that made me feel like hiding or escaping and I felt pressured to have a good time and live up to not only my expectations but those around me. I just wanted to isolate, stick my head in the sand and wait for them to be over. Even in writing how I used to feel, I can feel my anxiety rising. Thankfully, I don’t feel that way today.

Before walking this path I was constantly hiding, even in plain sight. I could isolate anywhere, in a room of ten people or a stadium of people, it didn’t matter, if I felt uncomfortable, which was most of the time, I would find a way to distance myself from those around me. I thought it kept me safe, but all it did was keep me feeling lonely. What I didn’t know back then is that my disease, that negative self-talk that ran constantly in my head, wanted me to isolate so it could have it’s way with me, because if the voices in my head were the only voices I was hearing, I was going to believe what they were saying, and I did. Going into the holiday season felt like I was running a gauntlet of high pressured uncomfortable gatherings. The only way I could get through them back then was to numb myself, with whatever I could, even if it was dessert table and a tray of cupcakes, whatever it took to get outside of myself to get by. But that only worked while I was there, in the moment, then the sadness would kick in, that bullshit committee in my head would start up and I would beat myself up for not being “normal” and able to join in and have a good time. But, is everyone really having a good time? Probably not. And that brings me to the next hurdle I had to overcome, perception. Again, my head wants to tell me that everyone loves the holidays and all of the events of the season and everyone has a great time and finds it easy to socialize and engage with those around them. Now, I know today that isn’t true, and I’m sure you’re out there shaking your head too, but back when I was specializing in isolation my head told me the latter, and I believed it. There goes that anxiety spike again. The truth is that most people get anxious at gatherings and events and everyone is doing their best to look and sound like their not, and once I allowed myself to see that and believe that, my anxiousness became acceptable to me and I began to look for those people like myself, who seemed a bit awkward, and made a commitment to talk to them. Just like outside those gatherings, it’s all about finding your tribe and support group, and when you take off the “weirdo” glasses you think you’re wearing and look through your own eyes and the truth, you see that there are others, like yourself, who may be struggling out there. That’s when things started to change. I also used a back up system. I had my support team, those group of people who understood me and my challenges, and I would let them know I was venturing out for some holiday cheer, I would be accountable, and when I felt overwhelmed I would excuse myself and call and text someone on my team, then I didn’t feel like I was walking in alone, unarmed. When I let my team know I was nervous I would get messages back checking in or encouraging me to jump in there and participate, that made a huge difference to start, to know I had support. That support and my willingness to break out of my isolation was the key to learning to connect with people and actually starting to enjoy the holiday season by being in the moment rather than trying to live up to what I thought, or someone else thought, it should be. And for those gatherings that may not be healthiest place, having that support team in your pocket not only makes attending those functions easier, but also gives you some great conversation and connecting with that support on the ride home.

The holidays come ever year, whether we like it or not, so why not like it, maybe not all of it, but find the parts you like, or a willing to be open to liking, gather your support team and don’t head out there alone. Also, find a way to give back on those days that are most challenging. I have always found when I give back I find relief in my own anxiety or depression as the act of giving gets me out of my own head and allows me to see the good through others. So, if you find that you are finding this season particularly challenging, think about what you can do to make someone else’s day brighter, even if it’s just by picking up the phone. We all have the power to change our perception of the month ahead, why not find a magic in it that makes us want to celebrate instead of isolate. Change always starts with willingness. Be willing to find something to celebrate this holiday season. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you find the holiday season difficult? Why is that? Do you tend to isolate over the holidays? How does that make you feel? Does that help with your feelings about the holidays? Does it make it worse? What can you do to isolate less? How can you find some joy and magic in the holidays? Is there any part of the holidays you do enjoy? Can you add something of yourself or something you love to the holidays? What is that? Many people have trouble getting through the holidays, you are not alone, find and hook in with your support team, stay connected with them as you navigate through the holidays season, and, look for those little things you might enjoy, even just for yourself, those little things may just blossom into a personal appreciation and holiday spirit.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

The Living Dead – Numbing Parts Of Yourself And Letting Them Die Off

For most of my life I lived my life like the living dead. I was living a life, well, going through the motions, but was numbing our stuffing down those parts of me that were too painful or I didn’t want to face. I had done that for so long that it became normal to shut down my feelings and thoughts until some of them started to die off. Some of those parts I didn’t even notice were gone and others I was glad to see go because I thought it made my life easier not to feel them. I thought those parts dying off made my life easier. But what was happening is I was slowly becoming dead inside and the only thing I was making easier was for the negative voices in my head to take over and control my life.

My whole life I had tried to fill a void inside of me with outside things, something I was never able to do, and couldn’t do, but by numbing parts of myself or letting parts of me die off I made that void even bigger. My brain was telling me that this was a good thing, but what it was really doing was letting my disease progress and start to take over from those parts of me that knew better or would resist. I look back at myself at that time and I looked dead. There was no life in my eyes, and there have been times I haven’t even recognized myself in photographs. If you had asked me during that time how I was I would have said great, but I would have been lying. I would even lie to myself, but underneath my own bullshit I knew it wasn’t true, that I was dying, and I was letting it happen. It got to a point where I was almost completely dead inside, and the rest of those parts of me that hadn’t died, were in grave danger of forever being numb, but I somehow found one tiny bit of light left, one little bit of hope that I hadn’t killed off, and that little bit was enough to give me the courage to reach out for help before I had let go all together and succumbed to death itself.

Today, after many years of work and learning to love myself, I have also learned to feel my feelings without being afraid of them. No matter what life throws at me I won’t allow myself to numb what comes up, and I certainly won’t allow any piece of me to die off because I’m afraid of it. That does make some days difficult, it can be uncomfortable to sit in my feelings and then have to find a way to work through them, and I do it. I do it because I’m worth it. I’m worth the work, and I know that today. And so are you.

We are not meant to go through life numb, or let parts of us die off just so we can get by without feeling things we don’t want to feel. Those feelings are there to tell us things, to teach us things, and to guide us to where we are meant to be. Those feelings are there for a reason, so to take them away we are walking through life blind, and wandering aimlessly to whatever destination seems the easiest, and not where we are necessarily meant to be to help us grow and learn. If you find something too painful use that as in indicator to change, to seek out help, to understand why these memories or feelings have come up, there is always a reason for everything, so trust that you are experiencing exactly what you are supposed to and instead of grabbing for the nearest thing to numb those feelings, ask yourself what you can do to learn from what it is coming up, no matter how daunting that may seem, there is always a way to find your way on the other side of them, and find a way to let your inner light shine and burn bright. I was able to find my light in the darkness, and I know you can too. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: When you feel uncomfortable with your feelings do you immediately try to numb them or make them go away? Why? How do you do that? How does that help you? How does that hurt you? How long have you done that? Do you ever let yourself feel your feelings? What scares you about your feelings? Where you ever told you weren’t allowed to have feelings? Who told you that? Why? You are allowed SLAYER, we’re all entitled to feel what we feel, and we can use what we feel to get stronger and to let those feelings guide us to where we are meant to be next, and typically the feelings we are resisting the most are the ones that are going to teach us the most, so dive in and feel what you feel.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! The struggle makes you stronger.

SLAY on!

State Of Slay Brave

Why, Why, Why Can’t I Be Normal?

When I was struggling, and even when I started this journey of healthy living and addressing my mental health, when the road ahead seemed especially daunting, or the road beneath my feet seemed uneven, I would wish that I could just be normal. Now, that makes me laugh, because, what is normal anyway? I still don’t know. And, I’ve learned that all those difficult things, those are the different things that connect me to the most important people in my life. And really, I don’t know if anyone truly is normal, I think we all have our own struggles, whether we voice them or not, I think some of us are just better at hiding them, to appear normal, than others. I was especially good at it for a long time, but I knew I wasn’t. I knew something was wrong and instead of facing it head-on, I tried just wishing it away.

I wasted a lot of time wishing I was normal, thinking if maybe if I just pretended I could make it so, but while I did that my disease got worse and I kept sliding lower and lower into the pit of darkness I eventually called home. When I finally got help I was relieved to finally not be living a lie anymore, but I was also resentful that I had to work through my mental illness and that I was told it was something I would be doing for life. For life!? Ugh! Why can’t I just be normal? I would slide back to that. The fact of the matter was, and is, I’m not normal, and I do have to practice self-care each day to make sure I am able to live the life I want to life and to keep myself in the light. Is that an impossible task? Absolutely not. Are some days harder than others? Of course. And on those difficult days I can still wish to be normal, even 12 ½ years into this journey, but, what I know is that I am on this path for a reason. I am here to be of service, to encourage other, non-normal, people to embrace who they are and to take care of themselves, I can walk with them on their journey, and they me, and together we make one heck of a non-normal SUPER SLAYER army of people all doing what they can to be their best selves. I’ll take that over normal any day.

What we have may challenge us, but it also makes us special, because you can’t not be special to walk this path, what may seem like a shortcoming or weakness is really what makes us strong, and what makes us persevere and rise to the top. I am a firm believer that we are given the challenges we are because we can handle them, because they will lead us to where and to whom we’re supposed to go and be with, because they will sharpen our tools so we can rise above and be our best selves, and, show others it can bed done. The way I look at it, we are not normal, we are exceptional, and we have the scars to prove it. We are phoenix’s rising from the ash, we are warriors. We could never be any of those things without our struggles, we were never meant to be normal.

So, instead of wishing for something that just isn’t meant to be, focus on what makes you outstanding, what makes you useful to those who are still struggling, what makes you one badass superstar who can shine bright for all the others, just like you, to see. I see you. I embrace you. I am just like you. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you wish you can be normal? What does normal mean to you? What makes you not normal? What makes you exceptional? What have you overcome in your life to live the life you have today? What do you still want to overcome? What parts of you connect with those around you who are like you? Are those the not normal parts? Are you grateful those parts have connected you to others? When you look at those parts as assets, as good, because of what they do for you, they become much less of a burden, you start to look at them differently, and even though there are days when they may seem overwhelming, they are making you stronger, better and sharpening your SLAYER tools. Stop wishing to be something you aren’t, because what you are is exceptional.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Be you’re best you, everyone else is taken.

SLAY on!

State Of Slay Normal

Hey! I’m Talking To You

I think it’s time for a pep talk and let go of all the preconceived about who you are and who you should be. YOU SHOULD BE YOU!

It’s easy to get lost in the social media black hole, or the messages put out by advertisers, about who we’re supposed to be, what we’re supposed to look like, and what we’re supposed to watch and listen to. Those things are very persuasive, and so can the people in our lives. If we’re not putting pressure on ourselves, others can put pressure on us to be what is expected of us. Many of us feel like failures when we don’t measure up to these ideas and parameters. But, if that’s not who you are, and not what you want to do, don’t do it. We are not here to please others, we are here to learn who we are and what our own unique purpose is, and we’re not going to find that living a life for someone else, or, by trying to fit into an unattainable mold we see presented to us as the norm. Who the heck wants to be the norm anyways? Be you.

When I speak to young adults it’s hard to listen to them tell me that they don’t feel good enough, or to hear them beat themselves up because they are not like the other kids. I say good! Don’t be like the other kids. But, it’s easy for me to say that now after 12 ½ years of work on myself, and learning to love myself for who I am and what I stand for. When I was a young adult I hated myself, even as an adult I hated myself, and the last thing I wanted to do was to stand out because I worried that you might ask me a lot of questions, questions I didn’t want to answer because I thought if you knew the answers, you wouldn’t like me. So, I understand. But, what I continue to share with anyone who will listen is, what sets you apart makes you special. Unique. Whole. Beautiful. Bold. Strong. And one badass. Love who you are. Embrace who you are. Celebrate who you are. And, if there is something that you don’t like, something that you think is getting in the way of being your best self, then take action to change it. But only do it for you.

It’s about finding acceptance, even in the dark places, of our true selves. In fact, especially loving the dark places because that is where we are most vulnerable. Those are also the place from where we should share ourselves, it’s those places that connect us to others like ourselves and give us strength as we use those places for good, and we take those places back and make them our own. Never be ashamed of who you are and where you’ve come from. It is what has made you into who you are today. And who you are today is awesome. And if you’re not feeling your awesomeness go out and take some action to find it. But I want you to know, that I already see it. It’s in you, let it shine.

Never let anything get in the way of being your best self. Know that what you have to offer is special, and no one else’s. You may come in a different kind of package, but the gifts inside are pure magic. Share those gifts with those out there who may appreciate them, who may need them, or just to show yourself how magical you are. Only you can say what’s right for you, so own who you are and go out and show us all. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you find you get stuck thinking you should be or look a certain way? Why? Where are you getting these messages? Do you think they’re healthy? Do you think you’re setting yourself up to fail by setting unreal expectations for yourself? Why do you think you do this? What is a more loving way to encourage yourself to change? What don’t you want to change? List 5 things you like about yourself. Of those 5 things, what can you use to share with others who can use those things? Share them SLAYER, share you, and never doubt that what makes you makes you special. Love who you are, all of you, and live out loud, expressing your true self for all to see. Shine bright SLAYER.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you