honest

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! The greatest waste of time is the time not getting started. 

SLAY on!

SLAY TALK LIVE Video

Hey SLAYER! Thank you to those who joined me today for an hour of SLAY TALK LIVE, for those who couldn’t join us, here’s what you missed!

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Honest hearts produce honest actions.

New blog goes up Friday, until then… SLAY on!

State Of Slay Trush Day and Do

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! When you let go you create space for something better.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then… SLAY on!

State Of Slay Voicemail

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Never let yourself get in the way of seeing things as they truly are.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then… SLAY on!

State Of Slay What It is

Are You Disconnected From Yourself?

For much of my life, I felt like I had stepped out of myself and was observing my life from a distance. Not having a way to feel my feelings in a healthy way and a way that promoted my growth, I hide from my feelings and eventually, when the pain got to be too much, disassociated from them and myself. It was a very lonely existence knowing I didn’t have myself on my own side, and feeling like someone else, or something else, was running the show. And even on a night when I made a decision that could have proved to be fatal, I sat back and watched it happen until the fear of what I had done brought me back to myself long enough to surrender and ask for help. It’s frightening to think about now, as I have worked over the past 14 years to be present and in the moment, no matter how uncomfortable or painful that might be, it is important to me to feel my feelings and work through them in a healthy and productive way. To get to this point in my journey, I had to get honest and I had to learn to feel.

I had, at a very young age, stuffed down my feelings. I was afraid to share how I felt, feeling I would be judged for it, made fun of, I would not look smart, or, that I was wrong feeling what I felt. That thinking caused me a tremendous amount of anxiety, which made me feel even more self-conscious and made me disconnect from myself even more. Not giving myself permission to feel my feelings I never learned how to process them when they came up, so I started looking for outside things to change how I felt or to mask or numb what I didn’t want to feel. I constantly lived in my own head, creating other places for myself to go, then I started to control what I ate, then how I did things, having to do them in very specific ways or that anxiety or feeling of dread would pop up again, and on and on it continued, until what I needed to do to stuff down my feelings became bigger and bigger, and, would later threaten my life. Having to sit in the uncomfortableness of my feelings was difficult at first, but I was taught to breathe through it and to acknowledge how I felt, but then let it go, some things were easier to let go than others, but the more I practiced it the easier it got. I began to write down how I felt, which I found to be helpful in showing patterns of when my feelings popped up and what they were attached to. I worked with a counselor to help me make sense of the feelings I didn’t understand, and I began to carve out some quiet time each day to find some peace and to focus on finding a foundation I could build on in this new journey. Feelings aren’t facts, and most times they are tied into something that has nothing to do with our present circumstances, they are old ideas, stories and narratives we’ve told ourselves, or have been told, that we cling to making them our truths even when they are not, or may not be anymore. But feelings can be indicators that something is wrong and can be used as tools if we acknowledge them and process them as such, and they can be wonderful, positive and something we can cherish and enjoy. The bottom line is we have to stay connected to who we are and what we feel and making sure what we feel is accurate, or take note of what they’re telling us as they might be what we need to know to move forward.

Staying connected and present can be challenging at times, we don’t always want to feel our feelings, but avoiding them only puts up a wall between them and us, and the more we avoid them the higher that wall becomes until we may not be able to see ourselves anymore. Stay connected to who you are and know that, even if you don’t want to feel what you feel, feelings pass, and they may be trying to tell you something you should know. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you feel like you are connected to yourself? If not, why not? Why do you think you disconnect from yourself? How do you think it helps you? How does it harm you? What type of feelings you do try to avoid? Why is that? How do you avoid them? Do you go to unhealthy lengths to avoid your feelings? How do you do that? What can you do to stay connected with yourself and how you feel today? What type of things can you do to keep that connection? We are not meant to live a life disconnected from who we are, we are meant to find a connection within ourselves and to what is around us, to live in harmony within our own lives but within a community that we identify with and fills us with joy. Find your own joy within as you love yourself and honor yourself in each present moment.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Good News Is Contagious – Pass It On

I was speaking with a friend yesterday who shared some good news with me. She had been going through a tough time lately and so it was great to hear something unexpected and positive had happened and it brightened my day to hear her good news. Good news is contagious that way. When we hear of something good happening for someone we care about it like it’s also happened to us, that good shines on us as well. Good news has a ripple effect, it spreads out from the person sharing to through to all of those who it’s shared with, and yet, there are times when we hesitate to share our good news in fear of being judged or the excitement not reciprocated, which is an indication that we might not have chosen the right people to have in our life, or, the ones to share in our good news. We should always share our good news, and should not hesitate to, our good news should always be celebrated, and because it feels good to all it is shared it, it seems selfish to not share it.

When I was living in the dark I hesitated sharing anything good, first off, because I didn’t believe I deserved anything good, and second, because I didn’t trust that anyone would be happy for me. That trust issue was my issue, because I was walking around with so much shame and guilt, I thought people could see who I really was and wouldn’t be happy for me, or would be jealous that something good had happened to a piece of garbage like me, so I held it back, or would share it but would follow it up with something to downplay it so it didn’t sound as good. I never let myself fully enjoy the good, or allow others to fully enjoy it with me.

When I sought help and was on my road of recovery I learned to appreciate the good, to look for it, and I got to work getting over my fear of sharing it with the people in my life. First I had to start believing I was worthy of the good and that others weren’t looking at me enviously for getting something I didn’t deserve. I had to also look at the people who I had chosen to have in my life, were they true friends who did want the best for me, and was I a true friend to them? I had to get honest with not only who the people were in my life but why they were in my life, and, did they have a place in my new life now that I was living rigorously honest. Most of the people I had chosen remained and it was changed behavior on my part that let them in and began to share with them what was truly going on in my life, and that included sharing good news. I began to see how sharing my good news brightened someone else’s day, and may have given them hope in their own life, and I noticed that when someone did the same with me that it brightened my day as well, and, I learned to celebrate along with them instead of thinking that they may have gotten something that I wanted for myself. It was about learning to think in a new way, that allowed me to see the good in my own life and feel grateful but also do the same with others. Their good news didn’t take anything away from me, in fact it gave me something I could use to lift my own spirits and continue on in my own journey.

Never be afraid to share your good news, if you’ve chosen the right people in your life, they will be just as excited to hear it as you were, and they’ll cheer you on as that good cheer will be shared with them in their life. We can spread positive energy through each other and it becomes like a light beam that connects us all, and when someone needs that light it may illuminate their path and create their own good news to come. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you share your good news when you have it? How do you do this? What is the result? How do you feel when you share your good news? How does it effect those around you? When someone shares their good news with you, how does it effect you? Do you feel that positive energy from someone else’s good news? Does it brighten your day or spirits? Anytime we share something positive with those around us, it sends out light to those we share it with, which not only lights up their day but brightens ours as well. Send out your beams of light when you share your good news and watch it light everyone up. That’s good news… pass it on!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

When We Know The Answers We Are Safe

Before walking this path I was afraid of the truth. I was either to fearful to ask the questions I should have been asking or I let my ego tell me I already knew the answers before asking them. Either way, not asking the questions was unsafe. Most of the time I was too afraid to ask them because I always thought the worst, or had done something that someone may have found out, or just thought of myself as an unlovable and worried that others had figured that out too. I walked around with a lot of question marks, and a lot of knots in my stomach. My solution, back then, was magical thinking, that somehow I could just wish the answers I wanted into being, and I would look for tiny bits of evidence to back up the answers I wanted to believe were true until I could collect enough to almost convince myself they where, but really, I knew I was just seeing and hearing what I wanted to fit the narrative I wanted to tell. The truth scared me, probably because I wasn’t truthful back then, and it’s difficult to believe people are open and honest when you’re not with yourself, or asking for it from those around you.

When I made a commitment to get better I made a commitment to be rigorously honest with myself, and over time I began working with a counselor to help me put all the pieces together and help me get an accurate picture of my past, why I did the things I did, and who I actually was. When we talked about the people in my life and I didn’t have answers to the questions he was asking, those knots in my stomach would return and I would get nervous. I was asked why I wasn’t asking the questions I needed to know from those people, and I would retreat and say I didn’t know. The real answer finally came out, it was fear, I was afraid to ask people what their intentions where, who they were and who I was to them, I was afraid in the past because I, for the most part, wasn’t being honest or forthcoming about myself in those areas, so it made sense I had fear asking someone else to do the same. But what my counselor said to me, which I still live by today, is that when we know the answers we are safe, until we know what those answers are we are not safe because we don’t know the truth about the people in our lives. He had said that even if the answers are not what we want to hear, we then know the facts, and can make a decision about what is best for us. Once we have done that, we are safe. It made sense, but even though it made sense didn’t mean it was easy to put into practice at first, but the promise of safety got me motivated enough to start, and even though all of those answers weren’t what I wanted to hear, they allowed me to make decisions for myself that made me feel safe. And, I could then make informed decisions for myself that kept me safe and built up my self-respect and self-esteem.

Asking the questions we should be asking, especially when we invite someone new into our lives, isn’t’ always easy, but not asking, and not knowing, puts our well-being in jeopardy and may set ourselves up for heartache at our own hand. We can’t control if the answers we are getting are the truth, but sometimes just the act of asking will flush that truth out. Anyone worthy of being in our lives will be honest, and will appreciate our honesty in return, those who don’t may be giving you the answers you need just by their reaction. Never apologize for the answers you need to feel safe. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you ask the questions you should be asking to feel safe? If not, why not? What are you afraid of? List an example when you didn’t ask the questions you needed to and were hurt or disappointed as result. What can you do to make sure you’re asking the questions you need to? Don’t let fear stop you from taking the action you need to for your own emotional safety.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYERS! You either make yourself accountable our you will be made accountable to your circumstances.

SLAY on!

State Of Slay Accountability

Accountability

A huge part of my recovery has been my ability to be accountable. That is something I had to learn, as I certainly wasn’t practicing it while living in the dark. Back then I often would say and do things and then blame them on others, pretend it hadn’t been me who had said or done something, or denied my involvement in something that I alone had orchestrated. Being accountable was not something I looked at as an attribute, I wanted what I wanted, and I was going to do whatever it took to get it. When I sat down to look at my life, I had failed myself and others by not being accountable, and if I had any hope of getting better that had to stop.

At first it felt like protective curtain had been lifted from me, that I had nowhere to hide, and I didn’t, but that was the point, I shouldn’t have to hide anything if I’m living an honest life and being forthright with my intentions and expectations. I was told to suit up and show up when I made a commitment, and if there was a reason I could not, I needed to let that be known and why. I found it difficult at first, as I had operated under this smokescreen of mystery for most of my adult life, never really committing to things, being vague and manipulating those around me to produce a desired outcome for myself, but all of that really got me was continued suffering in my disease, my head would tell me that I had won, but each time I wasn’t accountable and honest I was actually loosing, and that was happening daily as I slipped deeper and deeper into darkness and despair. I knew if I was going to save my life I had to get honest, so no matter how uncomfortable it felt a the start I walked through it and trusted it was better on the other side. And, being uncomfortable was the worst of it, it didn’t kill me to be honest and accountable, in fact, it was a big part of building my self-esteem and self-respect, both of which I was lacking. Being accountable was my ticket to better health, better relationships and a better life, so I trudged forward, even when it made me nervous to do so, and I have to say, that never once did it produce a negative effect. Being accountable did exactly what was promised, I began feeling better about myself, I started to make better choices and engaging in healthy activities I was actually excited to be a part of and participate in, I was no longer finding the need to hide from people because I had promised too much, or something I had no intention of following through with. Being accountable forced me to make better choices for myself and telling on myself when I didn’t, which eventually got me in the habit of making those better choices the first time. It was the filter I used before I said or did anything, and it kept me on the path I am now. When we are being honest and accountable for our actions there is no need to hide or feel nervous about any situation, we are being true to ourselves, our motivations and our journey. When we are accountable miracles happen, people and situations can change that we would have never seen otherwise, it’s what keeps us in the light and doing what’s right.

You may have lived your life believing that you have to hide your true intentions or your truth from those around you, but when you do you keep yourself sick, being accountable gives you the tool to live your life with far less complications, to have open and honest relationships with others and to be your best self. Accountability is the key to unlocking a life of better decisions and an anchor to keep you grounded as you walk onto a path of a fulfilling life, one where you are taking care of yourself while achieving the things that you could only hope for in the past and that never seemed to materialize while you were hiding in the shadows. Being accountable puts the spotlight on you and in that light you can learn to shine bright. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you think of yourself as accountable? If yes, how are you accountable in your life? In what areas do you struggle to be accountable? How can you improve those areas? What stops you from being accountable? How can you overcome what stops you? In what areas have you improved your accountability? How has this changed your life? Your life will continue to improve the more accountable you are. Accountability means being more reliable to yourself and your needs and to those you choose to have in your life. When you are accountable you can’t go wrong, and even if your plan does go wrong, being accountable provides you with the tools to admit that and move on. In a way it’s a type of superpower, and when you master it, you’ll have the power of good in your life.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you