confidence

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Self confidence is a super power, once you start to believe in yourself, magic starts to happen.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Capable

Are You Going To Get In The Car, Or Watch It Go By?

Everyday we have a choice. Choices. We have the power to choose each day whether we are going to engage with each person we encounter or not. It’s our choice. No one can force us. We always have the power to walk away, or, not get in the car and watch it go by.

Before stepping on this path I didn’t realize I had a choice. I felt compelled to always get in the car, to always engage. I had this fire inside of me and a need to be right, even when I knew I was wrong. In fact, I sometimes engaged with even more passion when I knew I was wrong, to see if I could convince you otherwise. It was part of my sickness. Having to be right. I felt like I had to and it took a lot of work to sit on my hands and to stop that behavior. Like many things on this path it was about breaking patterns, old behaviors that no longer suited me, or ones that never did. My need to be right, to fight, was really a deflection for me feeling less than. I didn’t feel good about myself so to prove to everyone else that I had worth, and to myself, I would engage, fight, argue, just to prove a point. But all it really did was chip away at my own self, it didn’t give me confidence, it didn’t give me worth, it always had me in a state of agitation and self-righteousness. I was never going to find peace there.

When I stepped on this path, I was working very closely with a woman, someone who understood my journey, as she had walked it years before me, and still was, and she would ask me, when I would talk about an argument I had gotten in or a heated debate, “do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?” And when I was new to this life I would always say, “both,” or “being right does make me happy.” But it didn’t really. It might for a moment or two, and then I was off looking for the next battle, or car to get into. I remember very distinctly the first time I didn’t. Someone was baiting me to engage with them and I stopped, paused and excused myself. I walked out the door, shut it behind me and paused, I thought to myself, you just broke the pattern, just now, you stopped yourself. Tears welled up in my eyes because in that moment I knew I was going to be OK, that I had it in me to get better, to change and become the woman I had always wanted to be.

When we consciously make the choice to change, and make better choices for ourselves our lives get better. Easier. With less conflict. Drama. We always have the power to walk away, to not engage with those individuals who are looking for conflict, or the old you, you don’t have to play along, you can do what’s best for you and let that car go by, and let go of old ideas that used to shackle you to having to be right, or make sure your opinion is known, sometimes you can say a lot more by not saying anything at all, and in doing so, get your power back as that car speeds away down the road. SLAY on.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you feel compelled to always be right? Or to engage with everyone who crosses your path? Do you go looking for conflict? Why do you think you do this? What do you think will happen if you stop? Do you feel the need to always be right? Why do you think that is? How do you feel when you’re right? How do you feel when you’re wrong? Why does it matter to you one way or the other? What if you just didn’t engage? What do you think would happen? Who would you feel? What patterns in your life would you like to change? How can you go about changing them? Write down the behaviors you have that don’t serve you, cause you pain or unrest. The next time one of these comes up, pause, take a breath and let it go, don’t engage, just excuse yourself and walk away, you’ll be surprised SLAYER just how freeing it is, and just how right taking that right action will make you feel.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Shine Bright

I was touched yesterday when a friend reached out to me with a hand drawn picture and a message of hope. She said her son had drawn it as a response to my involvement with a Valentine’s Day campaign from IMALIVE to send out a message of love to those who are struggling. I got involved initially to do just that, send out the message that you, or anyone, are not alone, that you matter, that your voice deserves to be heard, and I didn’t expect the young voice of my friend’s son to be inspired to take action. It reminds me that when we put out a message of hope, when we take action, when we open our own hearts, we may touch someone else’s, and that may inspire them to share their heart with others. I’ve written before about how we may touch people’s lives without realizing it, people we may not know, or may never have a conversation with, it’s about putting our best selves out to the world, showing the world, and people around us, who we are and what we stand for, letting our hearts shine bright, and when we do that that light may reach someone who is sitting in the dark.

When I stepped on this path, I was in a very dark place, so dark that there was only one tiny speck of light, like a penlight, off in the distance, but it was that light that I kept walking toward, even when I would lose sight of it, my life depended on it, so I kept trudging forward. It was during that time that it was pointed out to me that our light can get brighter when we help someone light theirs. No matter how low or dark we may be, there is always someone who is lower, or darker, or maybe they’re in the same place, but when we reach out to offer support, to lend a hand, or to just let them know we’re there, that dim light gets brighter, for both of us, and so as suggested, I worked to share that little bit of light I had, not really trusting it was enough to help anyone on their path, and as I did my light did get brighter, and as it got brighter I found the confidence to reach out to more people and eventually found my calling to be of service to those who may be struggling in the dark.

The best cure for any day when we get stuck in our heads, or in the “poor me’s” is to do something for someone else, it will get you out of self every time, and no matter how low you may feel, you always have something to offer someone who may be feeling lower. Or, at the very least, band together to give each other strength. It always seems, especially on social media, that the negative voices out there are the loudest, but we have the power to change that. Let’s make some positive noise out in the world, let’s love and support one another because when we do, we all rise. What can you do today to give back? What can you do to make someone’s day brighter? How can you spread love instead of hate? We never know how our actions can create a chain reaction of good, how what we do may inspire someone else to take action, and so on. We are all in this together, no one should walk alone, and here at STATE OF SLAY no one does, we all walk together on this path, we light the way for those who need it, we burn bright, and, we burn brighter together. SLAY on.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Have there been times in your life that someone’s light helped you walk through a dark place? Have you been that light for someone else? How did that make you feel? Have there been times when you felt you were in the darkness and by sharing the light you did have, your light got brighter? How can you spread more light in your life? What can you do to take action? All we can do is put our true selves out there, to shine bright, to offer the best of who we are with the best of intentions, how that is received is completely out of our hands, but in the end, light always beats out the dark. Let your light shine SLAYERS.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

If You Wobble You’re In The Right Place

I like to challenge myself, I like to push and see how far I can go, I’ve never been one to stay where I am and make the safe decision or hide in my comfort zone, I guess you could say I’m a little dare-devil, obvious by the scrapes I’m still nursing from my wipe out in Mexico over Christmas, I’m not reckless, I used to be, but I do like to see how far I can go past where I think I can. I was in a yoga class recently and we were in a balancing pose, a tricky pose, and a pose that can be pushed to challenge yourself, and the instructor said, “if you wobble you’re in the right place,” meaning, you’re challenging yourself, because it’s not about just standing there looking pretty in a place that is safe for you, it’s about anchoring yourself in your foundation and then seeing how far you can go, or maybe trying it from a slightly different position. This struck me as the perfect metaphor for the top of the year. As we start a new year I challenge you SLAYERS to wobble, to get out of your comfort zones, the places you know you are safe, where you know what’s going to happen, I challenge you to dig deep, find a solid footing and then stretch out, twist, turn, shake…and wobble.

Challenging ourselves can be scary, but if we start to change our attitude or perspective on those challenges and start to embrace and look forward to them, you’ll find as you start to challenge yourself more that you’ll gain more confidence in yourself and what you are able to do. So what if you fall? We all fall, that’s how we learn, so go for it and you may just surprise yourself. And when you do succeed, and perhaps the victory at first is just in trying, celebrate that, celebrate you, even if it’s just with a smile to yourself, you’ve won, and remember that the next time an opportunity comes up to let yourself shine. For many of us we can feel alone, or isolated, but when you start to challenge yourself and try new things you meet new people, it just happens, and typically these people have similar interests to your own, that’s probably how you’ve met new people in the past, and when you open yourself up to meeting new people your world gets bigger, it gets brighter, and your challenges become less scary because you start to share them with others, or maybe we all tackle some of them together. Something else that happens when we meet new people and we start to challenge ourselves outside of our comfort zone is that we start to expand our interests, we are exposed to new things, new ideas, new activities with new people which causes us to ask questions, to research and to join in and participate in life. Overcoming those little wobbles as we grow and expand our lives gives us opportunities to rise to the occasion, which helps us grow and it’s through adversity or hardship that learn and become who we are meant to be.

Life is going to do it’s thing, it’s always throwing curve balls at us, but we are less likely to get knocked down if we find comfortability in the wobble, because if we’ve been challenging ourselves a little wobble here and there isn’t going to throw us or knock us down, we’ll know that no matter what the outcome we will come out stronger and better for having gone through it, life’s little wobbles won’t seem so big and scary because we’re challenging ourselves every day, so next time you find yourself in an opportunity to push yourself out of your comfort zone, do it, and if you find you’re wobbling, smile, because that’s exactly where you’re supposed to be.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you walk through life in your comfort zone? Do you try to stay there where it’s safe? Why do you do that? Are you happy there? Truly happy? Has your comfort zone gotten you to where you want to be? What if you took a step out? What if you challenged yourself to go beyond where you have before? What if you tried something new? Or tried it a different way? I challenge you SLAYER to push yourself, to let yourself wobble and trust that you’re going to be OK, trust that it’s in the wobble where you will learn, were you will gain confidence, where you will get stronger. Write down 5 examples where you pulled back when you should have pushed further, and then write down how you will push further the next time. SLAY on.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Honestly Honest

We’ve all heard the saying “honesty is the best policy,” and it is, so why are so many of us afraid of being honest? We may be afraid of being judged, afraid of upsetting the other person, afraid of being seen as different, or just afraid to speak our minds. But when we don’t speak up we typically don’t forget what we didn’t say, it stays with us, playing again and again in our heads like a song on repeat and we beat ourselves up for not speaking our truth. Now, speaking our truth can be tricky, sometimes our truth, or honest opinion, may not be the popular opinion, or what everyone wants to hear, but if we don’t speak up many times it turns into a resentment, either towards the person or people we didn’t speak up to, or ourselves for keeping our mouth shut when we should have spoken up. Being afraid is never a reason not to do anything. So how do we learn to walk through that fear and share our true thoughts with those around us?

1) Stay Calm And Take A Moment. Again, life is not a game show there are no points for speaking up first and having the fastest response. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, take a moment, breathe, even step away for a second to collect your thoughts. It’s OK to say you need a moment, you don’t have to come up with something right away. Sometimes taking a step back is just what you need gather your thoughts in a concise and clear way so you can share them in a way that will be easily understood. If it’s something you’re very emotional about, definitely give yourself some time, letting your emotions take over will not help you convey what you’re wanting to say in a way that will open the door to a healthy and calm discussion.

2) Be Confident. Everyone is entitled to an opinion, and yours is just as important as anyone else’s, so don’t be afraid to speak your mind. Speaking up also opens the door to a conversation or discussion, something that is always useful and understanding and getting to know those around you, and, also yourself. If you feel strongly about something, speak up, share it, and also be open to listen to other people’s points of view. Again, as always, we all have our own perspectives and even though you’re feeling very strongly about yours, there are always different sides to each story or situation, so don’t be afraid to share yours, but allow others to share theirs as well.

3) Overcome Your Fear. You may be fearful of being made fun of, or being listed as difficult, or different, but don’t put so much weight into what other people think, what’s important is what you think and that you’re expressing that. Now, we as SLAYERS don’t set out to say things we know will purposely hurt or anger someone else, we share our thoughts in a thoughtful and mindful way, but we don’t amend our thoughts to appease someone else. People typically will appreciate your honesty with them, even if it differs from their own opinion, they’ll usually respect that you shared your thoughts with them. If they don’t, then that tells you something about who they are and your relationship with them, that’s a red flag and not a good sign of a healthy relationship.

4) Use Your Problem Solving Skills. If there is a differing of opinion, this is an opportunity to work on your problem solving skills. To see if you can find a middle ground or resolution to our differing of opinions. Keeping an open mind and letting others talk are two to elements to this, and you may find that after hearing what they have to say, you may alter your own opinion, or maybe not, but just going into a discussion with the mindset that you are open to new ideas, while sharing your own, can bring an amicable sense of energy to a discussion which opens the door to having a good outcome.

Always be confident in who you are and what you have to offer. Your opinion is unique to you, and your thoughts are valid. If someone has wronged you, has asked for your opinion, or you’re working together on project, speak your mind, collaborate, and be open to other perspectives, you just maybe surprised how easy speaking up can be, and how when you do you gain more confidence, self-esteem, and a stronger sense of self.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you speak your mind when you have an opinion? If not, why not? Do you have fear around being honest with people? Why do you think you do? Are the reasons you have fear around speaking your mind valid fears based in facts? Or are they old narratives from your past that are no longer your truth today? If they are your truth today, what does this tell you about the people you have chosen to surround yourself with? Are there better choices you can be making with the people you have in your life? I challenge you SLAYER to speak your mind this week, to share your opinion, or speak up if you feel you have something to say, the more you do it, the easier it becomes, and, if you take a misstep, that’s a part of the process, that is how we learn, but if we are open an honest we are not hiding our true selves and walking around with unsaid ideas and opinions that are taking up valuable space in our minds, let them out and show your real you. SLAY on.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

You Don’t Have To Be Perfect, You Just Have To Be

I used to believe I had to be perfect to show up.

Perfect timing. Perfect skills. Perfect hair, even. And if things didn’t line up just right—if I didn’t line up just right—I’d sit it out. I’d pass on the opportunity. I’d talk myself out of the dream. Looking back, I can’t count the chances I missed because I let perfectionism run the show.

But perfection is a lie we tell ourselves when we’re scared.

It gives us a reason to wait, to hide, to stay small. We convince ourselves we’re not ready, not worthy, not enough—so we don’t begin. But here’s the truth: Perfection is not required. Showing up is.

It’s Never Going to Look Perfect—Do It Anyway

No one has it all figured out. No plan is bulletproof. No path is paved just right. Life is messy, and we’re messy too.

The trick is to move forward anyway.

Start with what you’ve got. Doubt? Bring it. Fear? Take it with you. Confusion? Totally normal. You don’t need to wait for the moment to be perfect—you just need to be brave enough to begin.

It reminds me of being a kid on the playground, standing in front of a merry-go-round already spinning. I’d spot my opening, take a breath, and jump. Was it scary? Sure. But it was also thrilling. I didn’t need a guarantee—I just needed to go for it.

So why do we stop doing that?

Because we’ve fallen. We’ve been judged. We’ve been told to wait until we’re “ready.” But the only way to be ready is to start anyway.

Flaws and All, You’re Already Enough

Let me say this loud for the people in the back:

You are already worthy of showing up.

You don’t have to be “fixed” or “perfect” or polished to begin. The real magic happens when you show up as you are. That’s what makes you relatable. That’s what makes you real.

You are perfect in your imperfection. Unique. Valuable. Needed.

And when you let go of chasing perfect, something incredible happens—you start living. You stop waiting. You begin to believe in what’s possible for you.

So whatever it is you’ve been putting off—start it. Show up. Say yes. Jump in. Your life isn’t waiting for perfect. It’s waiting for you.

SLAY Reflection

  1. What’s one thing you’ve avoided because you were waiting for the “perfect” moment?
  2. How has perfectionism kept you from living fully?
  3. What would it feel like to show up just as you are?
  4. What’s one small step you can take this week toward something you’ve been putting off?
  5. Can you write down 5 things that make you uniquely you—and remind yourself why they matter?

S-L-A-Y:

  • Start without needing it to be perfect.
  • Listen to your inner voice—not your inner critic.
  • Accept yourself as you are, flaws and all.
  • You are the magic you’ve been waiting for.

Call to Action: Join the Conversation
I’d love to hear from you.
What have you been putting off because it wasn’t perfect?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who’s stuck waiting for the “right time,” send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.

Let Your Freak Flag Fly

For most of my life, I placed a lot of importance on what others thought of me. I wouldn’t have admitted it at the time, but I did. I navigated through life hiding who I really was. I may have felt like a freak, but I thought that was a bad thing, and I wasn’t going to let you see it.

Many of us present different versions of ourselves to the world. Sometimes, we need to wear different hats, especially in professional settings. For me, there’s a professional hat—the one I wear at work functions, on set, or in meetings. But there’s also the Let Your Freak Flag Fly gal—the woman I now allow myself to be, the true me.

Don’t get me wrong. My “freak flag” self is still there at work, but she’s a little more subdued until I know my audience. In my personal life, though, I am living as my authentic self. I’ve touched on this in earlier blogs, but today I want to dive deeper into what that really means.

Who Am I, Really?

When I started my journey over 11 years ago, I had no idea who my “authentic self” was. Truthfully, she kind of scared me. I had spent years crafting a persona, and I was afraid of what I might discover underneath. I had never asked myself, Who am I? What do I like? What do I want?

I was too afraid to ask. I didn’t think I deserved the answers. I was too busy pretending or numbing myself to even consider them. The more I hid behind a façade, the more lost I became. It felt like I was trapped in a black hole, and I had to fight my way out.

Say YES to New Experiences

I encourage you to ask yourself those same questions:
Who am I? What do I like? What do I want?

Don’t second-guess the answers. There’s an authentic you dying to get out, and it may take time to find that version of you. That’s OK. Life isn’t a game show—there’s no buzzer to tell you time’s up. You’re on your own timeline.

For me, the answers didn’t come right away. I was encouraged to say yes to new things, to explore and discover myself through experience. So I did. If someone invited me to do something I’d never done, I said yes—no matter how scary it seemed. What I discovered was that saying yes, even when it terrified me, became exciting. Each new experience helped me learn more about myself and gave me the courage to keep exploring.

If I hadn’t said yes for all those years, I wouldn’t have started this blog. The thought of opening up my innermost thoughts to all of you was terrifying 12 years ago, but here I am—and I’m better for it.

Celebrate Your Uniqueness

When I teach (another thing I just said yes to!), I always tell my students to “let their freak flags fly.” That’s what makes each of us unique. It’s what sets you apart. And more importantly, it’s what makes you authentically you.

Discovering and celebrating your authentic self is the foundation for honoring, respecting, and loving yourself. It’s worth celebrating. We’re all different—a big YAY to that. How boring would the world be if we were all the same? Celebrate the things that set you apart. Celebrate you.

Trust me—whatever “freaky” thing you think you have or are, there are a whole bunch of people who will love you for it. I already do, you freak! Now, go out there and discover what makes your freak flag fly.

SLAY OF THE DAY:

  • Does the thought of trying new things scare you? Why?

  • What was the last new thing you tried? What did you take away from it?

  • What makes you unique? Do you celebrate those things?

  • Challenge yourself to say yes to new experiences. Discover the magic of your authenticity.

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
What’s one thing you’re going to say yes to this week to honor your authentic self?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who’s struggling to embrace their authentic self, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.