Self Love

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! You can only get better through action.

SLAY on!

State Of Slay Fear Failure

Slay Talk Live Video

Hey SLAYER! Didn’t join us tonight for SLAY TALK LIVE, here’s what you missed!

Are You Afraid Of The Solution?

We can get so used to living in our own darkness that we let fear keep us from a solution. Our brain tells us that we can’t get better, our fear backs that up with unhelpful thoughts that are based on old information and stories that don’t have to be, or may not be, our present, but if we let them dictate our lives, they will continue to hold us back, and they’ll keep telling us those same old stories and those same old fears will keep us from getting well. We have the power each day to make better choices for ourselves, to take positive steps that will walk us into the light, to give us tools to live a life we deserve, and one that can be our “new normal.” It’s incredible how much pain many of us endure, at our own hands, because it’s what we’ve come to know, and even though we may not be happy there, we stay, because it’s the normal we do know, the thought of stepping out of that normal into something healthier, brighter, and better may be so scary we’d rather stay in the dark and continue to suffer there, even though there may be solutions all around us, and, people to help us get there. We are the only ones standing in our own way of recovery, or a better way of life. And as hard is it may be to believe for someone looking in at us, we might even be hanging on to that part of our life, not wanting to let go and set ourselves free. We may identify with it so much that the thought of it no longer being a part of our lives may leave us wondering who we would be without it. Who we would be, and could be, is our authentic selves. The people we were meant to be, who we aspire to be, who we can be. We can have all of the things we would like, it is going to take work, likely a lot of it, but there is no better person to invest in than yourself. Change can be scary, but look at it like you are giving yourself a software update, you are still you, but with some upgraded features to make you run more smoothly, more secure, and maybe with some new apps, or bells and whistles to make your life run easier.

All sounds good right? So what holds us back. Our friend fear. I talk a lot about find out the facts, well, fears aren’t facts, they are feelings, and feelings aren’t always accurate information, feelings can have all kinds of things attached to them that we’re not even aware of, things from our past, things that haven’t even every happened. When we live in fear we are not living in the present moment, we are living in the past or the future, when we live in the present moment, and are always looking at the facts we have, what we know to be true for sure, we are safe, we can make sound decisions, and we can start to let go of those fears that haunt us. Our brains like things to stay the same, they like to know what’s coming next, or what the outcome will be, and when things are changing fear likes to jump in and tell us it’s protecting us, but it’s really holding us back. It’s when we walk through those fears that they start to lose their power over us, and when we practice walking through those fears, our brain stops telling us to be afraid because it now has proof that when we’ve made changes everything is still OK, in fact, it’s probably more than OK and is better, so it stops trying to, well, stop us. The trick is to walk forward even if you’re in fear and trust that if you’re doing something that is for your greater good, that it’s going to be OK, and if it’s not, then you’ve learned a valuable lesson to be used for the next time, but even that is good, it’s learning, it’s growth.

I know for myself when I started to get better it felt very uncomfortable, I felt uncomfortable in my own skin because I was used to wearing the skin that I had been wearing for years and years, and even that skin didn’t feel good, I knew what that skin felt like, it was familiar to me, and when I started to make changes in my life, that skin no longer felt good, but neither did the new skin, it felt foreign, but I was told from many who had walked this path before me that it would feel uncomfortable at first, but to keep wearing it because one day it would feel great, it was just my brain trying to pull me back to the place I had been. I learned to get comfortable in the uncomfortable, and now I know when I’m there it’s because I’m changing, and, that’s a good thing. In fact, when I get too comfortable I know that’s the time to challenge myself again, that I’ve gotten lazy, so now that comfortable place I used to sit in is no longer desirable because I want to continue to grow and continue to challenge myself.

I know you can do this, I did, and I doubted I could many times when I began this journey, but I just kept putting on foot in front of the other, and I surrounded myself with like-minded people to support me on my journey. Walk through your fear, let go of the past, and step into who you are meant to be.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you let your past dictate your present? How do you do this? Why do you do this? How do you think it hurts you? What step can you take today to overcome this? Do you think you let the comfort of staying where you are keep you from moving forward? Why do you think you do this? What fears keep you from moving forward? What are these fears based on? How can you overcome them? SLAYER, I know you have it in you to become your best self, but you have to work to move forward each day, and on those days when you fall back, and you will, you have to get right back up again and keep trudging forward, as someone who has walked before you, I promise, the more steps you take, the easier the journey becomes. SLAY on.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Give without expecting anything in return, and always remember when someone has shown you kindness.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Give

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYERS! The most important thing in life is to remain teachable.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay New To Learn

You Can Unlearn What You’ve Learned

So much of our behavior was picked up by what we’ve learned along the way, or what we’ve been taught by others, but just because we’ve always done something one way, or those around us have, doesn’t mean it’s the best way for us today. Many of us can get stuck in the past and continue to practice behaviors that no longer suit us, or perhaps never did, because that’s the way we’ve learned how to do it. But, just as you can learn something, you can unlearn something and try something new, something that might work better for you, something that honors who you are today, or who you’re aspiring to be. So how do we break out of old patterns and start making new, healthier, ones?

First, recognize the patterns. Start paying attention to those times in your life when you feel things aren’t working or you’re not getting the desired result. Ask yourself what you could do differently. How you can make changes to get the result you’re looking for, or at least with the intention of it. Look for areas in your life where you find yourself saying things like; “this always happens to me,” or “people always treat me like,” or maybe “I never get to…,” start looking for the patterns and make a note of them, write them down, when they come up, think back to when you started noticing the patterns in your life, were they always there, did something change, did you change, but most importantly, how can you start to change those patterns?

Be accountable. It does us no good to talk about change, to have the intention of change, without taking action to make change happen in your life. Taking action also includes take responsibility for past actions that have gotten you to a place of dissatisfaction or dishonoring who you truly are. Own the actions of your past. This may seem like a negative thing, but in truth it’s positive, because you acknowledging the mistakes of your past to make better choices, positive choices, as you move forward. I am a firm believer in not faulting ourselves for things we never learned, or were taught from someone who may not have had the best teacher themselves, we can’t fault ourselves for not having the right tools, but we can fault ourselves for knowing we don’t have the right tools and continuing to use them anyway. If you need someone to back you up on your changes, tell a trusted friend what you’re setting out to do, sometimes just saying it to someone else will keep us accountable to ourselves and keep us working toward our goal.

Keep your emotions in check. I’ve said this many times, feelings aren’t facts, they can trick us, they can be from situations and relationships that are not a part of our present life, so watch what comes up when you start to make changes, because when we change our behaviors old feelings like to sneak up on us and throw fear our way to stop us from doing things differently, they may even tells us we can’t change, but we can, so watch for those emotions as they try to get in your way. Unchecked, they’ll pull you back to the original place you’re working to move on from. If you can identify where and why they’re coming up, you’re better able to navigate around them and be honest with yourself about your fears and feelings from the past. Fears are a good indicator that you are not living in the moment, you are living in the past.

Find the lessons in any situation. I always say, it isn’t, or wasn’t, bad if you learned something from it. When we find ourselves in a place we don’t want to be, there’s always a lesson there, and then it’s up to us to not find ourselves there again, but, for many of us, it typically takes more than one lesson to drive the point home, but it doesn’t have to. If something doesn’t go well, or end up the way you had intended, look for the lesson in that, learn what you can do differently the next time, and when the same situation comes up, and it will, look for the warning signs and navigate around it.

And lastly, when we consciously make an effort to make different choices things change, we change, and we start to make choices that are better for ourselves, choices that honor who we are today, and not the person of the past. We have a choice each and every day how we are going to engage with the world, how we are going to behave, react, how we are going to allow others to engage with us. That is all up to us, and no one else gets to dictate that except us. Turn off the “auto-response” of how you always have done things and ask yourself why, and if that way still is in line with who you are today.

Your day today doesn’t have to look like your yesterday, you have the power to change old ideas and patterns that no longer fit in line with who you are. Make different choices, make choices that honor you, and soon those choices will become your new normal. SLAY on.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you often just do what you’ve always done, or what you’ve been taught, without asking yourself if those ways still suit you, or ever did? Do you often find that you’re not getting what you want, or the desired result from your choices or actions? Do you see patterns in your life where the same choices are causing you pain, disappointment or frustration? What can you do differently to change those outcomes? What behaviors do you recognize in yourself that no longer serve you? Make those changes SLAYER, just because you’ve always done something one way in the past doesn’t mean you have to continue to do it that way, unlearn what you’ve learned, and, learn something new, learn a new way, try new things, and find a way to find more self-love, honor and respect for yourself by making better choices for yourself.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Running away from any problem only increases your distance from the solution. The easiest way to escape the problem is to solve it.

New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Live Anyway

Solutions Grow More Solutions

When I was still new on this path I was stuck on a problem and wanting to be right, and because of my need to be right the problem was getting worse, I was complaining about it to a good friend of mine and she turned to me and said, “do you want to be a part of the problem or a part of the solution?” That made me pause. My stubbornness and need to be right was causing more of a problem, which wasn’t giving me peace, or even satisfaction of being right because I was making the problem bigger, I should have been in the solution, in fact, I should always be in the solution. For the most part now I am, but sometimes that stubbornness returns and I can stir up trouble.

Staying in the solution, or looking for one, is a place were we should be, and it’s a place, when we live there, where more and more solution grows. Like anything else, the more we fertilize something the more it grows, when we live our lives looking for the solution we will find more solutions and our thinking will shift away from forcing our way or point of view to not only looking for what is best for us, but what is best for the situation and those around us, to a collective solution, and one that isn’t causing us to bend or test our morals to get the desired result we’re looking for. To be fair, to be honest, to look at things from all angles, and not just our own. Living in the solution is a state of mind, and the more we live there the brighter our days become.

Typically we can’t solve a problem with the same brain that created it, at least not when we start practicing living this way, which is why it’s helpful to have a group of people to bounce our ideas off of. It helps to have perspectives of a few different people to maybe put our own views in perspective. So it’s about reaching out to others for help, it’s about being there for others as they walk through their own issues, being open to feedback even if it’s not supporting your own decision or ideas, having the courage to try something new, and implementing those new things, taking action, and most importantly, finding gratitude for all that is around you, and what it’s teaching you. Living in the solution means having to have an open mind, it is when we can have an open mind and heart that we can be open to an idea or solution we may not have thought of before, or tried, and when we are living in that place, giving us the courage to try it with the support of those around us. Living in the solution doesn’t mean being a pushover and letting everyone else get their way so to not cause any further problems, it means finding a way to resolve an issue with the best possible outcome for most or all parties, or, sometimes walking way to avoid any more heartache and suffering, sometimes stepping back is the best solution instead of hammering home something that can’t or won’t be resolved currently, your self-worth is more than your need to be right, or it should be, sometimes the right thing to do for you is nothing, to not engage, or no longer engage, and to find acceptance and peace in that.

Today I try to walk into each situation I find myself in looking for the solution, and that’s not to say that old behaviors don’t sometimes flare up, but I take responsibility for my actions if I’ve done something wrong, and get back into the solution. When we start to train ourselves to think in the solution we continue to look for the solution, and, we start to find new solutions. It is a much happier place to live, and a healthier way to think, and, who wants to be the source of the problem all the time? Not anyone living authentically and practicing self-love. Focus on the good, focus on finding the best solutions you can to any problem and you’ll start to see solutions where you used to only see problems. SLAY on.

SLAY OF THE DAY: In your life, do you let the need to be right get in the way of finding a peaceful solution? Do you try to force your point of view? Or, are you a pushover, or people-pleaser, not expressing your wants and needs and letting someone else steamroll over you to make them happy? None of these are healthy solutions. Living in the solution is looking out for your own needs, but, not so much that everyone else’s are cast to the side, it’s about finding a middle-ground much of the time, listening to the wants and needs of others and seeing if you can align that with your own, and when you come to a stalemate, sometimes the best solution is to stop looking for one and taking care of yourself, not everything is solvable, and sometimes the best solution may be no solution. An integral part to practicing this way of life is to surrounding yourself with people who are also living in the solution, or trying to, and having a sounding board to talk things out with, many times the solution lies within the advice or comments from those who know us best. Then, it’s just a matter of taking action and following through, because words are just words until you take action and make them real. Make living in the solution a real way of life for you SLAYER, and watch how your life, and the solutions around you, grow.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! When you let go of who you were, you allow yourself to become who you are meant to be.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Courageous

Release The Investment In Your Suffering

Some of us have invested a lot in our suffering over the years. For some of us it has become our identity, the fabric of who we are, and how we present ourselves to the world. But what is it really getting us? How is it helping us? It’s not.

We may feel it protects us, we may feel we belong there, we may not know how not to live without our suffering, we maybe be told it’s what we deserve, we may tell ourselves that we deserve it, we may not even know we’re living in our own suffering. I used to fall into a few of these scenarios, but I mostly identify with feeling that I belonged there and playing the martyr. I always thought I was hard done by, that bad things were constantly happening to me and I played the victim, but then I would also tell myself that I deserved them. Therein was the insanity of my brain. But I had invested a lot in my suffering, and when I didn’t think I had suffered enough I created my own suffering to make sure I was getting enough. I also used my suffering to manipulate other people into feeling sorry for me, to get what I wanted. I figured out every way I possible angle of suffering I could to torture myself and to use to gain what I wanted. But when I stepped on this path and I was told I was going to have to let it go, I got scared, suffering was all I knew, and, I had invested a whole lifetime into it, that’s a lot of work to throw out, and, what would I replace it with?

What I did replace it with is self-love, was with respect, with learning who I was, what my voice sounded like, and filling that void with good, something that made my stomach turn at first because the old me, the one who relished her suffering, didn’t want the good to come in, because who was I without my suffering? Without my suffering to hold onto like a life raft, I had to learn who I really was, because when I took the suffering away I was a bit of a blank canvas, so much of my time went into perpetuating my suffering I didn’t know how to bring in the good, and it felt scary to release the bad. But what I’ve learned on this path is that when things feel scary that is good, it means there is change happening, change that is needed, it means I’m walking on uncharted territory and trying something new, and I know from doing it time and time again over the last 12 years that something great always comes out of that. I’ve learned to get comfortable in the uncomfortableness of change. I’ve learned to look forward to it even, crazy right? It’s when I just feel comfortable that I know I’m not moving forward, and it’s easy to stay stuck there, to hang back, to settle in, but nothing great happens when we stay stuck, it’s when we reach out, take a leap of faith, and do what we’ve never done before that the shifts occur, that the magic happens, so now, when I start to do something new, to challenge myself and I start to feel uncomfortable, I know that that’s when I need to find comfortableness in that place, because a new normal is approaching, a normal that I have never been to before, a normal that will become comfortable and take me to the next uncomfortable place.

The key to all of this is to let go of your suffering, your suffering is an old story you used to tell yourself, it no longer serves you, it is holding you back from becoming your best you, of realizing your dreams, of making your life bigger and brighter, and of you realizing that you are not defined by your suffering, you are defined by your actions, by who you are today, but who you aspire to be. Let go of past and step forward into who you are meant to be.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you hang on to your suffering? Do you have a hard time letting it go because you’ve invested so much time into it? So much of your life? What do you think will happen if you let it go? How will it hurt you? How will it help you? Do you see how it holds you back from moving forward? Do you see it’s not who are truly are? You have the power to let it go, to shed your suffering and start anew, to discover who you really are, who you want and are meant to be. You wouldn’t keep wearing an old pair of shoes that are worn out and no longer fit you, so why are you still wearing a worn out story that no longer fits you today? Let it go SLAYER, and find the real you. SLAY on!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you