Self Love

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Don’t let a bad situation change your inner goodness.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then… SLAY on!

State Of Slay Look Back

Someone Doesn’t Need To Feel Sorry For You To Love You

How often, when we meet someone new, do we sit them down and share all of the terrible events of our past, how we were wronged, times we were a victim and just how difficult live has been for us thus far? Those stories or events from our past have become our narrative and what defines us and we share it with anyone who will listen to demonstrate how damaged we are and that we just want to be loved. Well, we can still be loved without dumping all of our baggage out for everyone to see, in fact, by not dumping it out we are showing ourselves love first before we are expecting it or wanting it from someone else. We all have stories from our past, and those events may have played a major role in who we are today, but, we are not our past, and getting to know someone new is a great opportunity to share who we are today and what we are looking for in the future. It’s not necessary to look for sympathy to find love.

In my past I often kept, what I perceived, as anything bad to myself, but I would use those stories from my past strategically at times to gain sympathy or to manipulate a situation in my favor. I held on to them like bonus cards, and when I thought it could be helpful to me, in any form, I would then take one out to get the desired result. When I think of that behavior now it seems gross to me, and very dishonest, it wasn’t until I stepped onto this path and started to learn a new way of living that I realized what I had been doing. Walking into a support group and talking with others who had many of the same stories I had I realized I could no longer use those stories the same way, it wouldn’t work in this crowd, and, there was always someone with an even tougher story than mine, but most importantly, I shouldn’t be using them for any purpose but one of connection, understanding and compassion for someone else, and in doing so, I had to forgive those who had been involved in those stories, including myself. Even though I had been using them in the past to get what I want, it still hurt me each time I told them, and it put me in the frame of mind of a victim, when I took responsibility of my part in those stories, or forgiving those who hurt me, I was able to shed the role as a victim and take my power back regarding my past, even in those instances in the past where I truly was a victim.

You are, just as you are, worthy of love, there’s no need to try to whip up sympathy or bring yourself down to find love. Stand tall in who you are today, sharing the stories of our past only if we feel it can help someone or help us to connect or relate with someone who may be struggling, it is up to us to let go of the past, to find peace with it so we can move on and allow someone to love us for who we are today and not what happened to us in the past. We, as SLAYERS, stand tall in who we are, there is no need to ever try to dull our shine or diminish who we are by dragging our past into our present day. Look for people in your life who love and appreciate you for you, and who encourage you to always be your best you. Lay to rest who used to be, for the you of today. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you use the stories of your past to gain sympathy? Do you try to manipulate people with those stories? When you meet someone new do you feel obligated to tell that person all of the stories of your past? Why? What are you hoping to gain? What if you didn’t tell those stories? Have you made peace with those stores yourself? If not, why not? What steps can you take to do so? How does it hurt you to hang onto them? How can it help you to let go? We are lovable just as we are, we don’t need to guilt anyone to love us or feel bad for us, we all have had things happen to us in our past that were hurtful, harmful or destructive, but we have the power to not let ourselves be defined by those things, we, today, live in the light, and share that light with others who are still looking for theirs.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! There’s no such thing as an unimportant day.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then… SLAY on!

State Of Slay Celebrate It All

Celebrate Life, Especially In Death

It was one year ago today that my Uncle lost his battle with cancer, and two days ago I learned of the sudden passing of a dear friend. In both cases, these men exuded light and love. They were always helping those in need, or those they felt could use some of their light. They laughed, they made others laugh, and they shared themselves, they’re true selves, with those around them. It’s always sad to say goodbye, and, so often, it takes time to even accept that such a bright soul is no longer here, although they are never far. Kevin, who passed a few days ago, has been ever present in my last few days, I’ve seen signs of him in many moments and when I do it always makes me smile and warms my heart. And, it’s a reminder that we never truly lose those we love, they stay with us, popping in and out when we may need a reminder they’re there, or, to keep us smiling. It also reminds me that even in death, we need to celebrate life. Both men did so much for others, there is much to celebrate, and in knowing both men, that is what they would have wanted, not for us to be sad and for our hearts to ache, but to laugh and remember all the good things we shared, the funny moments, the warm thoughts and times of understanding. It is in times like these that things always seem to come into the right perspective.

But, why do we often wait for a big event, or loss, to celebrate life? We should be celebrating every day, with ourselves, and those we love. In fact, we should be actively looking for each moment to celebrate who we are, who we love and how far we’ve come. Now, I don’t mean we should looking to celebrate so much that we stop doing what we need to do, but even just recognizing something, acknowledging something or honoring something, or someone, is enough to keep the celebration going. We can be so hard on ourselves and can get in a cycle of seeking out those things we’ve done wrong, or could have done better, and many times it can be difficult to look for what we’ve done right, or better, and yes, it is great to always strive to do better, but it’s just as important to acknowledge how well we’ve done, or are doing. And, remembering to celebrate those people in our lives who help us, and remind, us to celebrate ourselves, and in turn, celebrate them.

As I remember those I have lost, and all the reasons to celebrate them, it also celebrates who I am and how fortunate I have been to have had these two beautiful souls in my life. Both made my heart bigger, and I can still feel it expand when I think of them, so instead of filling my heart with sorrow, I will fill it with love and gratitude that both of these men showed me how to live life with grace and love and both showed me a version of myself I love and can celebrate today, and each and every day. Celebrate your best self today, and even your lesser self, because when we celebrate all of who we are we get better, and we learn to grow from that place, we learn to love all of our parts and that love may show others how to love theirs. Celebrate life, and the life of those who have left us, it is through our continued celebrating that their light keeps shining in our lives and allows our light to shine brighter. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you celebrate yourself, even in the difficult times? If yes, how do you celebrate? If not, why not? When you’ve lost a loved one, are you able to celebrate them and who they were? Are you able to see who you were to them? Are you able to celebrate that, and see yourself through their eyes? How do you show appreciation for who you are and what you’ve been through? Can you do more? What? Do you celebrate the people in your life? How? Can you do more? We often think people know how we feel, and they may, but it never gets old to hear that appreciation, and you never know when you may not get the opportunity to share it again. Celebrate yourself, and those around you, each day, and watch the light within, and around you, get brighter.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! There is power in the pause.

New blog goes up Friday, until then… SLAY on!

State Of Slay Freedom To Pauseuntil then… SLAY on!

 

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Breathe.

SLAY on!

State Of Slay Press Pause

Not Making A Decision Is Making A Decision

All to often we feel pressured to make a decision, whether that pressure is coming from someone else, or we’re putting it on ourselves. I’ve mentioned before that life is not a game show, we don’t get bonus points for the fastest reactions or decisions, and yet, many, times we quickly make a decision and then wish he hadn’t later on.

It took me some time to loosen my decision making trigger finger. I had always prided myself on my fast reaction times and my ability to take action quickly, but my reactions in the moment at times were clouded by the feeling of urgency I had to act fast, and also by not giving myself enough time to learn all the facts before jumping in with both feet. I had to learn to pause, and I had to realize that making that decision to wait, and to not make a quick decision, was a decision. I used to think that anyone who didn’t move quickly was lazy, or indecisive, and, there may have been some that there, but as I learned to practice to pause I realized how much better a decision that was than to rush into something. Now, there are those who can use that to stall or procrastinate, so it does take being honest with yourself to know what the true nature of your pause is, but when done right it can drastically change the situations you find ourselves in.

When I rushed into things I often found myself in situations I really didn’t want to be in, or like, because I hadn’t taken the time to investigate exactly what I was deciding to do and what the result would, or could be. I also, many, times hadn’t asked myself, what I wanted out of making that decision, often I made decisions based on what they looked like to the outside world, or what I wanted out of it, but I never really thought about who I was or what I wanted in the long-run, usually, I just wanted to win, or, whatever my perceived idea of winning was. It wasn’t until I developed a relationship with myself, asking myself who I truly was, what I wanted, and what principles I was willing to live by that my decisions, and their reply time, started to change. I realized that, many times, I did need to do some further investigation before saying yes, or agreeing to be a part of something, and, there was nothing wrong with that. I started to care if a decision was ultimately going to make me feel bad, or derail me from this path I was working so hard to stay on, a path of well-being, of empowerment and self-love and care. All of my decisions had to reflect the person I was learning to be, the person I was proud to be, and the person I would like to be moving forward. That, was enough to slow me down. And, as I did, I started to trust myself more, after a lifetime of some bad decisions, making some new good ones allowed me to trust my judgment and myself to do the right thing for myself in that moment. And, that was another thing I had to learn, to not put so much weight on making the wrong decision because I was trying to second guess what someone else may do, or try to guess what the future may bring, I had to learn to take the information I had in front of me, right in the moment, check my ego at the door and ask others I trusted for input if I still felt unsure, and then make the best decision I could at that time. Whatever may come after that I would deal with then. That’s all any of us can really do.

When we feel pressured or rushed to make a decision often we make the wrong one. If you’re someone who often makes quick decisions in the moment, perhaps the best decision you can make is not making one in that moment, and take the time to give it some thought and look for direction. There’s no shame in saying you need some time, in fact, that may be the best decision of all. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you often weigh your options before making a decision, or quickly jump to take action? How had this helped you? How has this hurt you? Write down an example of a time when you made a decision too quickly and then regretted it later? If you had taken more time, how would that affected your decision? Why do you think you are quick to make decisions? What can you do to slow yourself down? No one can tell you what’s right for you except you, take the time you need to make decisions that will align with who you are and where you want to go.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Find the courage to tell your truth, every bit of it.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then… SLAY on!

State Of Slay Dangerous Lies (1)

Tell On Yourself So You Can Hear It

Before walking this path I hid a lot of things. And, as my disease progressed so did the list of secrets I was keeping. I was ashamed at how I was living my life and worked hard to keep what was going on from the people in my life, and that required keeping many things to myself, which only added to my shame and guilt. When I decided to get help, I also made the decision to come clean with everyone about what had really been going on. It frightened me, but I couldn’t live under the weight of lies and secrets anymore, and once I had told everyone, I felt the weight of all of it get lifted, I still carried some guilt and shame, but the majority of it was gone, it had been said, it was out in the open, and all I had to focus on from there was getting well.

I was told, early on, how important it was to be honest, with myself and others. I was told that I was only as sick as my secrets. That resonated with me, as I used to think of my secrets as poison to my soul, even thinking about them all these years later I can feel a burning in my throat. And I felt, that when I was keeping a secret from you I was also keeping it from me, burying it deep down so that even I couldn’t see it, but I could feel it, rotting from the inside out. Part of my sickness is a disease of perception. My perception of things isn’t always as they truly are, and my head can skew things to fit a narrative it wants to tell me instead of seeing it for what it really is. Now, that has gotten much better over the years, but it can sometimes still happen, but what really flushes it out is telling on myself. Saying it out loud. Sometimes just the act of verbally saying it can put things back into perspective, and depending on who I am saying it to, they can also share theirs with me. A big part of my recovery has been to be accountable, to myself, and to others, and that leaves no room for secrets. I need to be transparent with those I love, and myself, to make sure my perspective hasn’t gotten me off course and I stay on the path I would like to be on. My ability to be honest is also what is going to keep me well and will give me the best chance when challenges or obstacles come my way. Especially during difficult times, it’s important to be as honest as I am capable of, and after almost 14 years of practice, I have gotten pretty good at telling on myself when I start to hold things back, or, I think I have a great idea that probably isn’t the best choice for me in the long run. If I say it out loud, it loses it’s power over me, and, I can hear truly how it sounds.

Many of us walk around with thoughts, ideas, or things we’ve done that we may not want to share out loud, but when we get in the habit of telling on ourselves we save ourselves from a lot of grief down the road, and maybe, a path that may not be so easy to come from. Be honest, with yourself, and those around you, no matter what speaking your truth is always better than living a life of lies, take it from this reformed liar, the truth will set you free. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Are you open and honest with yourself, or do you tell yourself stories to make things easier? What do you keep secrets about? Why? What secret are you keeping that may be keeping you sick, or holding you back? What stops you from telling someone? How can you find a way around that? Have you ever told on yourself? What was the secret or thought? How did it help you to say it out loud? What was the result of that? Find it in you to be honest SLAYER, tell on yourself when you are thinking of doing something that may not be in your best interest, or, may harm you, or someone else. No matter what, our well-being is contingent on our ability to be honest.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

I Don’t Want To Feel What I Feel

I stepped on this path over 13 ½ years ago, and much of what got me to this path was not wanting to feel my feelings. At first it started with not wanting to feel bad, or different, or less than, disappointed, or unsafe, but as my disease grew, and I continued to stuff my feelings down, I got to the point that I didn’t want to feel anything, even the good. The good, toward the end, was worse than the bad, because I didn’t feel like I deserved the good, so when a good feeling crept in it was immediately followed with guilt, and, fear that something bad was going to quickly come because I didn’t deserve to feel good. Much of the work I have done in recovery has focused on feeling my feelings, all feelings, acknowledging them, giving myself permission to have them, and letting them go. It has been many years since I have been challenged the way I am right now with not wanting to feel.

There has been an ongoing issue with a neighbor, a neighbor, ironically, who suffers from mental illness, and appears to be self-medicating with an illegal substance that affects our home and our own mental health greatly. We have tried through different channels to address this situation and it was decided on, through council, that our best option is to remove ourselves from the situation altogether. This, brought up a lot of feelings. And even though I am an advocate for everything I talk about here at State Of Slay™ I am still human and the feelings that came up knocked me off my feet.

I’ve really struggled, this week in particular, and I realized that since dealing with this issue next door, something that has been so upsetting and traumatizing that I may actually have some emotional damage from it, and, alongside that, the feeling of anger, frustration, and grief at having to leave a home we love because of someone else’s illness. Again, I can see the irony in this, as I was once, very much like this person next door, was living inside the darkness of my disease, although, never brought my disease to someone’s front door and into their home the way this person has. And as a result, I’ve  had a really difficult time through this. I struggled in a way I haven’t for a long time and there were moments in my struggle that scared me. And, it’s interesting being so open about mental health and an advocate for self-care and positive thinking, because I almost didn’t give myself permission to feel what I was feeling, and, to not want to feel it. Having been on this path for so long I have many safety nets in place, and, ultimately know what to do to get myself back on track, openly admitting this to someone I love and trust was a big first step and eased a lot of the shame around it, and digging into the foundation I have built has gotten me on stronger footing already, but it was a bit of scary week. I think, also, having this all come during Suicide Prevention Day and this month of awareness also brought up some old feelings and gave my disease a little bit of a soap box to stand on. I am grateful that I know better to listen, but those all too familiar feelings came up, and they felt awful.

My point for sharing this today is that no matter who you are, how far you’ve come, or what you use for voice for out in the world, you are allowed to feel, whatever that may be, and if those feelings bring you to a place that scares you or gives you concern, reach out to someone and share with them, and do the things you need to do to get yourself back to where you feel safe and at your best. Life does has it’s ups and downs, and most of it is beyond our control, accepting life on life’s terms and doing our best to navigate the twists and turns is all we can do, sitting in our hurt, or hate, or anger, and not accepting the truth only hurts us more. Today I will work on seeing the silver lining in all of this, of what I can learn and take away from my pain, and to use it to shine a light for others who may be feeling the same. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you allow yourself to feel your feelings? How do you do that? Do you share how you feel with others? If not, why not? If yes, do you have a circle of friends or people you trust you can be open and honest with? It’s OK to feel, you are entitled to have feelings, but what’s not OK is letting them dictate how your day is, or life is, or your value as a human being. Feelings are great indicators of what is really going on, they are triggered by memories or situations from our past, and can tell us a great deal about where are mental and spiritually. Let yourself feel and then set those feelings free, thanking them for showing you what you needed to see.

S – self  L – love A – appreciate Y – you