self discovery

Self-Forgiveness

That title made a few of you bristle I know. I remember when I was asked to make a list of people who I felt had harmed me, I feverishly started writing down my naughty list, finding satisfaction in naming all the people I felt had wronged me and made my life difficult. It was pointed out to me that my own name should have been on the top of that list. That made me pause. And, at first, a little angry, because I thought, no, this is my chance to point fingers and name all of the people who hurt me, but it was right to suggest I put myself on top of that list, because I had hurt myself the most.

When I looked back to all of those situations and people I had put on that list, the common denominator in of them is that I was also there, I had participated, allowed myself to be in those relationships, or situations that harmed me. Now as much as that was a hard pill to swallow, once I was able to take responsibility for my part, and in most instances I did have one, I was able to take my power back by choosing to make better choices today.

We can’t fault ourselves for not knowing things we never learned, well, I guess we can, I used to, but we shouldn’t. Punishing ourselves for our past mistakes is pointless, we can’t change the past, nor we are the same people who may have made those mistakes, in fact, if we’re on a path of self-love and self-discovery we are very likely not those people that we once were, so why are we beating ourselves up for being someone we aren’t anymore? Life is a journey, and we may travel the same road, but we each travel at our own pace depending on what we are able to handle, depending on what our personal experiences are, and depending on what life throws at us, we are doing the best we can with what we have. Recognizing that we did the best we can in our past, or that maybe we just weren’t able to do our best at that time, is the beginning of self-forgiveness.

I found that finding forgiveness for myself happened in different stages. But as I began to forgive others and they found forgiveness in me it became easier to find some of my own. As I grew on my journey and was able to put more and more tools in my toolbox, I realized how few tools I had had up until that point, that also helped me with finding forgiveness, I couldn’t fault myself for not using what I didn’t have. And, truthfully, beating myself up over and over for my past only holds me back there, it doesn’t let me cut the strings and move forward, so for those of you struggling cut those strings and allow yourself to move forward and prove to yourself that today you are capable of making better choices, choices that are loving towards yourself, choices that honor who you are and the life you’ve built, or are building, and choices that, even if they prove to not be the right choices, are choices you can own and learn from so that you can make a better choice next time, without carrying a resentment for yourself and how you handled the situation. Set yourself free, look back only to learn as you continue on your road to who you are destined to be. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you hold a grudge against yourself for decisions you’ve made in your past? Why are you not able to move past those decisions and choices? Did you have all the knowledge, information and tools you do today back then? So why do you expect yourself to have known better? Did you know better but made a decision that wasn’t in your best interest anyway? Why did you do that? Where looking to harm yourself? Why were you looking to do that? Are you still looking for ways to harm yourself today? If yes, why? If not, and you did make decisions to harm yourself in the past and have stopped doing that today, then that is already a victory, you’ve already let go of the way you used to live, so why not let go of any guilt or resentments you may have been harboring and focus on loving yourself as you move forward from here.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

It’s Not The Pain That Helps Us Grow, It’s Our Response To It

Before I stepped onto this path, I walked through a lot of pain.

Not gracefully.
Not reflectively.
More like a storm spinning out of control—reactive, destructive, and exhausting.

I told myself, and was often told by others, that the pain was making me stronger. That suffering was proof of growth. That endurance alone was somehow building character.

But looking back, I can see the truth much more clearly now:

The pain wasn’t strengthening me.
My response to it was weakening me.

And in many cases, I was the source of my own pain.

That realization wasn’t comfortable—but it was freeing. Because it showed me that growth was never about how much pain I endured. It was about what I did after the pain showed up.

Pain Is Inevitable Suffering Is Optional

Pain is part of being human.

We get hurt.
We get disappointed.
We get blindsided—sometimes by others, sometimes by life itself.

But pain alone doesn’t create growth.

Pain without awareness creates repetition.
Pain without reflection creates cycles.
Pain without honesty keeps us stuck.

What determines growth isn’t the pain itself—it’s whether we react from old wounds or respond with clarity.

And there is always a choice.

Reaction Keeps Us Stuck Response Moves Us Forward

There’s a difference between reacting and responding.

Reaction is impulsive.
It’s emotional.
It’s driven by fear, old stories, and survival patterns.

Response is intentional.
It’s grounded.
It’s guided by truth instead of triggers.

When I reacted to pain, I made choices that caused more pain—burning bridges, sabotaging myself, repeating patterns I swore I wanted to escape.

When pain wasn’t self-inflicted, that was where growth became possible—if I was willing to respond instead of explode.

The Myth That Pain Builds Strength

One of the most damaging stories we tell ourselves is that pain itself makes us stronger.

That belief often keeps us tolerating what we shouldn’t.
It keeps us in harmful relationships.
It keeps us justifying self-destructive behavior.

Pain doesn’t build strength.

Choices build strength.

The strength comes from what you learn.
From what you release.
From what you decide not to repeat.

The old narrative—that suffering proves worth or resilience—often keeps us returning to the same sources of harm, believing it’s “part of the process.”

It isn’t.

Getting the Facts Is How We Grow Safely

One of the core truths I return to again and again is this:
When we have the facts, we are safe.

Not the feelings.
Not the assumptions.
Not the stories shaped by past wounds.

The facts.

Looking at pain honestly—without embellishment, blame, or denial—allows us to understand its source. And once we understand the source, we gain power.

Power to choose differently.
Power to set boundaries.
Power to walk away instead of reenacting.

Pain becomes useful only when it’s investigated.

We Always Have More Control Than We Think

Here’s the part that changes everything:

We don’t control whether pain shows up—but we do control how much we let it stay.

We can:

  • Let it fester

  • Turn it into resentment

  • Use it for sympathy

  • Or learn from it and release it

Sometimes simply letting pain go is growth.

Not every wound needs a deep dive. Some lessons are learned by choosing not to engage again.

And when you’re living from self-love and honesty, destructive reactions stop feeling good. Self-sabotage loses its appeal.

Because why tear down something you’re finally learning to build?

Pain Is a Teacher Not a Home

Pain is meant to inform you—not define you.

It shows you where boundaries are needed.
It highlights what isn’t aligned.
It reveals patterns asking to be broken.

But pain is not meant to be lived in.

When you respond with curiosity instead of chaos, pain becomes data. And data leads to discernment. And discernment leads to peace.

That’s growth.

Turning Pain Into a Gift

You may have never paused to ask yourself how you typically respond to pain.

So the next time it shows up, try this:

Strip away the story.
Remove the emotional overlay.
Look at the facts.

What actually happened?
What role did you play?
What part was within your control?
What can you learn?

When you do this, pain stops being something that happens to you—and becomes something that works for you.

The greatest gift pain can offer is information.

And information, used wisely, changes everything.

SLAY Reflection

Let’s reflect, SLAYER:

S: What do you believe is the main source of pain in your life right now?
L: How much of that pain are you creating, allowing, or repeatedly engaging with?
A: When pain shows up, do you tend to react or respond—and how is that serving you?
Y: What could change if you chose to learn from pain instead of letting it control you?

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
How has your response to pain shaped your growth—or where do you feel called to respond differently now?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who’s stuck believing pain itself is the path, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.

Rebounding From Regret

It’s rare today that I regret things. When things don’t go my way, or something negative happens based on choices, or I decision I made, I now, typically look at that as learning. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t sting anymore, it still does, but I look back to see where I could have done something differently, or made a better choice. That type of thinking keeps me out of regret and back into action because it’s in action where positive changes, or better choices, are made.

I wasn’t always thinking that way, in fact, for most of my life I was full of regret, and full of anger about past events. I was angry at others, blaming them for the outcomes, or I was blaming myself and beating myself up further, telling myself I was a piece of crap because I messed up again. That vicious cycle kept me in the darkness, and propelled me even further down.

Regret, really, is useless. We can’t change the past, we can’t go back and change what we did, so why do we spend so much time regretting the choices we made when we can’t do anything about them? What we can do is make better choices moving forward. To learn from our past and use that to help us in our present day. There may be things that we can fix, or make better from our past, and with the knowledge of what we had done, we can use that to possibly amend or make repairs on the things that didn’t go well, or we misunderstood, that, is truly the only way we can change the past, by taking positive action today. Again, it goes back to perspective. We can take a seemingly negative situation and make it positive by learning from it, or fixing what we can with the knowledge we now have. When we think of things that way, we don’t really have anything to regret. Now, there are things that we can’t go back and change, or make better, the opportunity may have past and there is no going back, I’ve had many of those, but again, it’s about learning from those experiences, and, forgiving yourself for not having the knowledge, or courage, or experience in that moment to do the right, or best thing. We can’t look back at who we were and expect ourselves to have been who we are today. We have to acknowledge that we are on a path of self-discovery, and that we typically learn the most when things go wrong, or possibly hurt, because we pay more attention to those things, so the reason it may have happened in the first place is a positive reason, to get us to change. There are no coincidences or accidents, I’ve said this before, even accidents aren’t really accidents, they may not have been what we had intended or wanted but there is a reason for everything, and sometimes it’s not your reason, but the other people, or person involved, but, usually there is something we can all take away from each experience, good, or bad, it’s just how we choose to look at those experiences that sets us a part.

I had an experience yesterday that I was really disappointed in. It was something that I may have been able to control somewhat, but it had a lot to do with me not feeling well and I wasn’t as sharp as I usually am. I was upset. And I found myself, for a brief moment, starting to get down on myself, and then I stopped and got into possible solutions. As a result, I was able to come up with one. Now, that is growth and learning. Instead of getting angry at myself and regretting all of my actions leading up to that moment, blaming them for the place I was now finding myself in, I started to look for other options. As a result I stayed out of self-hatred and self-pity and stayed in the self-love.

Regrets don’t move us forward, only back, they keep us shielded from the present and what we can do to make things right, or better for ourselves, they keep us from learning, from growing, they pull us back into the shadows when we need to stay in the light. Let go of past regrets, learn from them, use them to build a better you, and one day you may find that have nothing to regret, what do you think about that?

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you tend to regret things from your past and hang on to them? Why do you think you do that? How does it benefit you? How does it hurt you? What can you learn from those things you regret? What can you do differently for next time? Are there ways you can now improve or better those situations you regret today? If so, what are they? Stay in action SLAYER, always focus on what you can do to make a situation or experience better, and if there is nothing, looking at you part and what lesson you can take away from those times to give you some positive actions to take the next time. SLAY on!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

You Found Your Way Out Of The Darkness. So Now What?

This one was actually a special request, but funny enough I was just talking about this topic yesterday with a dear friend who lost his spouse a year and a half go and was feeling lost. I know for me, when I hit my bottom and finally reached for help I was faced with the realization that I had no idea who I really was. I had never asked myself who I was, and what I liked, I spent most of my time pretending to be who I thought you wanted me to be, and I got so good at it, the real me got lost in all the pretending and I had no clue the real me was. With the prospect of starting from scratch and learning about myself I got scared. It seemed daunting. I had to strip away all the characters I had been playing and I was left just with myself, but that felt like a big gray void. I knew I couldn’t let myself get anxious over starting over, so I tried to look at it as an adventure, or a mystery that I was going to solve, and that first started with making a commitment to say yes to everything, to try new things, with new people, and see what I enjoyed and who I enjoyed doing it with. As scary as that seemed, from a woman who had led a very controlled life, what I was leaving behind was far scarier, so I just jumped in. If someone called and asked me to do something I said yes, if there was a position to volunteer for and I was available, I said yes, if someone I didn’t know well asked me to coffee, I said yes, and so on, and with each yes I learned more about myself. I also made a list of things that sounded interesting to me, that I had never tried, and I set out to do all of the things on that list, and, if I could, invite someone else to do them along with me.

As time went on I discovered what I liked and didn’t like, and I made some new friends. Those people who I didn’t pursue a friendship with also taught me about myself. If I didn’t particularly care for someone I would ask myself why, I would also ask myself if that reason was because I recognized something in them that I didn’t like in myself, and from those experiences I was able to put together a cheat sheet of what I look for in a friend, as well as the knowledge of what I am good at within in a friendship and what I needed to work on. The mystery started getting less mysterious and I started to collect some cold hard facts about myself. Over time I was able to build a new me, and authentic me, one that I made no apologies for, and one that did feel familiar to me, but also new, and better. I also, through learning how to be my authentic self, was able to strengthen friendships and make new ones that were more in line with my new way of living, ones that were formed out of mutual respect and love, and ones that weren’t one-sided. I was finding a way to live a healthier happier life.

Today I still try to say yes to new things, and with new people, because today I know that those situations have come up for a reason, so I take the chance and dive in. I have a much better sense of who I am today because of saying yes and taking the time to learn from those experiences, I also learned to give myself the gift of time and patience, because the journey of self-discovery is one that you can’t put a time limit on, in fact, if you allow it, you never really stop, but give yourself some time, let your growth happen as it is meant to, don’t try to rush it or shape it into what you think it should be, let it grow into what it is supposed to be. If you’ve just found your way out of the darkness congratulations, you’re about to start the most exciting journey of your life, the journey of you. Go explore. Go find you. Go SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you find you get anxious at the prospect of what comes next? What scares you? What if you made the choice to look at it as someone exciting? Something of an adventure. Do you have a hard time saying yes to new things? Why? What are you afraid of? What was the last time you said yes to something new? What was the result? What it a positive experience? If not, what did you learn from it? Do you see that even if it wasn’t something you liked you can still view it as positive because you learned something about yourself? What can you do this week to make an effort to try something new, or spend time with someone new? Do it SLAYER, go find your authentic you, no one else can do it for you.

   S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Freedom: Outside Those Fences, We Build Ourselves

There was a time in my life when I was unraveling quietly.

On the outside, I was functioning. On the inside, I was doing everything I could to hide how lost I felt. During that season, a dear friend came to stay with me for a few days. We never talked about what I was going through. He didn’t ask questions. He didn’t call me out. He simply saw me.

Before he left, he handed me a movie and said he thought I should watch it.

The movie was Instinct. I had never seen it. I set it on my coffee table, where it sat for months — untouched. When I finally watched it, I remember thinking it was well done, thoughtfully acted… but I didn’t understand why he’d given it to me.

It wasn’t until years later, after I had begun my healing journey, that I understood exactly what he was trying to tell me.

In the film, a character struggling to find his place in the world writes a farewell letter that includes this line:

“Freedom is not just a dream. It’s there, on the other side of those fences we build all by ourselves.”

When that line finally landed, it hit me like a wave.

My friend wasn’t offering advice.
He was offering truth.

The Fences We Build to Feel Safe Often Keep Us Trapped

Every one of us builds fences.

We build them to protect ourselves from pain, disappointment, rejection, and loss. We tell ourselves they’re necessary — that they keep us safe.

But often, those fences don’t just keep people out.
They keep us in.

The longer we stay behind them, the louder the negative chatter in our minds becomes. Fear grows comfortable. Doubt feels familiar. And the idea of stepping beyond what we know — even if what we know is painful — starts to feel terrifying.

What we call a “safety zone” slowly becomes a cage.

And from inside it, we watch others live. Love. Risk. Grow.
While we tell ourselves stories about why we can’t.

The Illusion of Safety

Here’s the hard truth:
You are not actually safe behind emotional fences.

You’re not safe from your own thoughts.
You’re not safe from resentment.
You’re not safe from the slow erosion of joy.

Survival may feel like safety — but it isn’t freedom.

When we hide, we don’t stop pain from existing. We just stop ourselves from experiencing the fullness of life that exists alongside it.

And eventually, hiding costs more than risking ever could.

Tearing Down the Fence Doesn’t Have to Happen All at Once

The good news is this: you don’t have to demolish everything overnight.

If the idea of tearing down your fences sends anxiety through your body, start smaller. Tear a hole. Open a gate. Peek through the slats.

You don’t need a wrecking ball — you need willingness.

For me, though, I tore everything down at once.

It was terrifying.

I felt exposed. Raw. Vulnerable. Like I was standing naked in front of the world, waiting to be judged.

But something unexpected happened when the fences came down.

The world came in — because I invited it to.

And I learned something powerful: the world wasn’t nearly as dangerous as I believed. There were others like me. Others who were afraid. Others who were healing.

And when we stood together, we became stronger.
Braver.
More alive.

Freedom Comes From Discernment, Not Isolation

We often tell ourselves that walls keep us safe, but real safety comes from discernment.

From choosing the right people.
The right environments.
The right truths.

Freedom doesn’t mean recklessness. It means living authentically while making informed, conscious choices.

Yes, we’ve all been hurt before.
But that was the old us.

The SLAYER standing here today has learned.
Has grown.
Has wisdom.

We don’t move forward by closing our hearts — we move forward by opening them to what aligns with who we are now.

Boundaries Are Not Fences

This is where boundaries come in.

Boundaries are not walls meant to isolate you.
They are guidelines that protect your freedom.

They communicate what is and isn’t acceptable access to you.

For me, boundaries often sound like:

  • Honesty is required

  • My time is respected

  • I’m spoken to with kindness

  • Distance is allowed when something isn’t healthy

Boundaries shift depending on the relationship and the season — and that’s okay. We are constantly evolving, and clarity requires checking in with ourselves often.

When something doesn’t feel right, that’s information.

Ask yourself:
What do I need right now to feel safe and free?

Asking for What You Need Is an Act of Freedom

One of the most liberating things you can do is ask for what you want and need.

Not everyone will be able to give it to you — and that’s okay.

But as SLAYERS, we don’t hide our needs behind fences anymore. We speak them clearly. We honor ourselves openly.

And when we do that, walls become unnecessary.

Because freedom isn’t found in hiding.
It’s found in truth.

You Were Never Meant to Live Behind the Fence

Freedom lives outside the structures we built from fear.

It lives in courage.
In connection.
In choosing alignment over avoidance.

You are not your past.
You are not the fear that once protected you.
You are not meant to stay confined.

You are meant to run free.

SLAY Reflection

Let’s reflect, SLAYER:

S: Where in your life have you built fences instead of boundaries?
L: What fears are keeping you behind those walls?
A: What is one belief, habit, or relationship you could loosen your grip on to create more freedom?
Y: What would it look like to step outside the fence — even just a little?

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
Where do you notice yourself hiding instead of living — and what would freedom look like for you right now?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who’s ready to step beyond their fences, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.

Let Your Freak Flag Fly

For most of my life, I placed a lot of importance on what others thought of me. I wouldn’t have admitted it at the time, but I did. I navigated through life hiding who I really was. I may have felt like a freak, but I thought that was a bad thing, and I wasn’t going to let you see it.

Many of us present different versions of ourselves to the world. Sometimes, we need to wear different hats, especially in professional settings. For me, there’s a professional hat—the one I wear at work functions, on set, or in meetings. But there’s also the Let Your Freak Flag Fly gal—the woman I now allow myself to be, the true me.

Don’t get me wrong. My “freak flag” self is still there at work, but she’s a little more subdued until I know my audience. In my personal life, though, I am living as my authentic self. I’ve touched on this in earlier blogs, but today I want to dive deeper into what that really means.

Who Am I, Really?

When I started my journey over 11 years ago, I had no idea who my “authentic self” was. Truthfully, she kind of scared me. I had spent years crafting a persona, and I was afraid of what I might discover underneath. I had never asked myself, Who am I? What do I like? What do I want?

I was too afraid to ask. I didn’t think I deserved the answers. I was too busy pretending or numbing myself to even consider them. The more I hid behind a façade, the more lost I became. It felt like I was trapped in a black hole, and I had to fight my way out.

Say YES to New Experiences

I encourage you to ask yourself those same questions:
Who am I? What do I like? What do I want?

Don’t second-guess the answers. There’s an authentic you dying to get out, and it may take time to find that version of you. That’s OK. Life isn’t a game show—there’s no buzzer to tell you time’s up. You’re on your own timeline.

For me, the answers didn’t come right away. I was encouraged to say yes to new things, to explore and discover myself through experience. So I did. If someone invited me to do something I’d never done, I said yes—no matter how scary it seemed. What I discovered was that saying yes, even when it terrified me, became exciting. Each new experience helped me learn more about myself and gave me the courage to keep exploring.

If I hadn’t said yes for all those years, I wouldn’t have started this blog. The thought of opening up my innermost thoughts to all of you was terrifying 12 years ago, but here I am—and I’m better for it.

Celebrate Your Uniqueness

When I teach (another thing I just said yes to!), I always tell my students to “let their freak flags fly.” That’s what makes each of us unique. It’s what sets you apart. And more importantly, it’s what makes you authentically you.

Discovering and celebrating your authentic self is the foundation for honoring, respecting, and loving yourself. It’s worth celebrating. We’re all different—a big YAY to that. How boring would the world be if we were all the same? Celebrate the things that set you apart. Celebrate you.

Trust me—whatever “freaky” thing you think you have or are, there are a whole bunch of people who will love you for it. I already do, you freak! Now, go out there and discover what makes your freak flag fly.

SLAY OF THE DAY:

  • Does the thought of trying new things scare you? Why?

  • What was the last new thing you tried? What did you take away from it?

  • What makes you unique? Do you celebrate those things?

  • Challenge yourself to say yes to new experiences. Discover the magic of your authenticity.

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
What’s one thing you’re going to say yes to this week to honor your authentic self?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who’s struggling to embrace their authentic self, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.