responsibility

From Victim To Victor

Before walking this path I thought of myself as of victim. I felt I was a victim of those around and me and a victim of life. I truly believed that everything and everyone was conspiring to get me. And, my disease told me that I deserved it. I used the victim label like a get out of jail card, I used it to excuse myself from bad behavior or for not taking action where I should and could have. There was a lot I could have done over the years to help myself, but not as long as I could only see myself as a victim. Even when I made the choice to get better I still believed I was a victim, but my path of healing was about to reveal to me that I had been a victim, most of all, to myself.

Stepping into a new way of life and interacting with new people who were battling the same issues as I was, I noticed that these people were not victims, they were fighters, survivors, warriors and victors. It was inspiring, but I still had to be willing to let go of the victimhood that I had used to shield myself from the responsibilities of my own actions. If I was going to find victory in this new way of life I had to let go of being a victim. Shedding that label was scary, as letting it go and not identifying myself as victim meant that I had to take responsibility for my part in the activities and events that lead me to my personal bottom. That was a lot to face up to. When I was able to be rigorously honest with myself, there was very little that I had been a victim to, most everything I had labeled as something I had no part in was absolutely false, my part was all over those things I wanted to make others responsible for. With the exception of our childhood, when we’re young and do not have the ability to make choices, we play some role in most of everything that happens in our lives. There are those instances we do fall victim to a crime or unwittingly get involved in something, but for the most part, even if it’s just engaging with someone or something I shouldn’t have, I played a part in it, or, at the very least, I still had a choice of how I react to what was happening around me. I was no victim, I contributed to much of my heartache and even, at times, purposely led myself down a path to get hurt or betrayal because I thought I deserved it. That victim cloak I draped over myself was mostly made up of excuses to not take ownership of my actions and to a life that I was ashamed of. I certainly had mental health issues working against me, but had I been honest and had the courage to share my truth those issues, as I’ve learned on the path I walk now, are not insurmountable. When I finally took responsibility for my part in all that led me to a place of incomprehensible demoralization, in that moment, I stopped being a victim and became a victor. It took much more work than that to really take ownership of it, but that was the first step, admitting where I had played a part in my own demise.

Today I know I am a victor, I have been victorious over many things, for many years. I will no longer allow myself to be a victim and I will take responsibility for my actions and my part in things. When we admit our part and see where we contributed to our own misery and wrongdoing we take our power back, or perhaps gain it for the first time, that power gives us the fuel to take part in our own recovery, in the ownership of our actions, and reactions, and allows us to find and learn a better way of life. For those of us who have made the move to victor we know the strength we have found in that, and we encourage those who have not yet crossed over to join us as we walk in victory together on this new path and the road beyond. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you think of yourself as a victim? Why is that? Have you played any part in what causes you to think of yourself as a victim? Even if it’s just your reaction to it? How have you played the victim in your own past? Have you used that to gain sympathy or to manipulate in the past? Do you still do that? Why? How does that hurt you? Have others tried to place a victim label on you? Why do you think that is? Are you willing to look at your part in the events that lead you to believe you are a victim? How can you take your power back? We are strong men and women who cannot be defeated unless we allow it, we can overcome anything we put our minds to, and we can use the strength of those around us to help us when we feel weak, or unsure what the next step may be. Find your strength, hold on to us as you make that step from victim to victor and soar.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Forgiveness is a daily practice.

New blog goes up Friday, until then… SLAY on!

state-of-slay Free Of Hurt

When People Only See Who We Used To Be

I have changed a lot over the past 13 plus years. That core person I am is still there, and always was, although she was buried under a lot of junk I piled on top of her, but the essence of who I am has walked with me, that is person I fight for every day, but a lot has changed, I have changed, and not every person from my past has changed along with me, or, has been accepting of those changes. Just because we make a commitment to change ourselves for the better doesn’t mean everyone else has, or wants to, or, wants to see us do it. By us changing we put the spotlight on us, our behavior and choices, but by changing those things to better align with a healthier and happier us others may question their own decisions, or, not be comfortable with us not being who we used to be. That, is not our problem, or responsibility. Our responsibility is being our best selves, to learn from our past and to make decisions that are right for us today. That is what we are responsible for. People may want to keep us where we were, but only we can keep ourselves, or put ourselves, back there.

It can be difficult to accept that those we love and know may not want to see us grow or flourish. That they might want to keep us back to make themselves feel better, or to continue living their lives in a particular way, or because they might have to look at themselves and their own behavior if they accept this new us. Once again, none of this is our problem, or, something we can control. What we can control is the choices we make today, how we act or react to the world around us, and what goals we put in front of ourselves to get to where we would like to go. It can be heartbreaking that others in our life are not there to cheer us on as we would them, and try to sabotage us, or hold us back, even by just verbally telling us what we “deserve” or share their opinion of where they think we should be, and just as they probably wouldn’t like us telling them what we think they deserve, their opinion should be kept to themselves, but often isn’t. We can’t control that. But, we can control how much time we give them and their opinion, and, we have to decide that how much time we give them, my experience has taught me, very little to none. If I had listened to certain people who had told me I would never be more than I was, or would fail, or, was reaching too high, I would be dead. No doubt. Instead I followed my heart and spirit, I listened to those who had gone before me and were in the trenches with me who knew this journey and path, and I dug in my heels determined to win, for myself, and I have. If people were or are not able to see my progress and how the changes I’ve made have enhanced my life and those around me, then that’s unfortunate for them. Today I don’t give my time to jealousy, to ignorance or to someone stuck in the past, I can find compassion for them and look to find understanding for their way of thinking, but I will not let it affect my day or the work I’ve done. I have worked very hard to get to the place I have and I won’t let anyone rob me of what I’ve earned.

We all walk our own path. Our journey may look similar, but no two are exactly the same. It is no one’s business what yours looks like as long as your path is filled with honesty, hope and the steps you need to be and become your best self. Own who you are, who you’ve been, and who you are becoming, and never let anyone pull you back or make you believe you are anyone than who you are right now, and who you are is a survivor, a warrior, and a freedom fighter, a fighter for your own freedom. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you let the opinions of others dictate who you think you are what you think you deserve? Why do you do that? Do you have people in your life who only see how you used to be? Who are they? Why do you think they only see the past? Have you shown them you are not your past? How? Do you spend too much time trying to show them instead of letting who you are today be your example? SLAYER, you are a living breathing example of change, and if someone is not comfortable with that change, or does not want to see it in you, for whatever reason, that is not your responsibility, stand tall in who you are, who you’ve become and what you are becoming, and never let anyone tell you who are allowed to be.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Holding onto your past is hurting your future.

New blog goes up Friday, until then… SLAY on!

State Of Slay Stop Keeping Track

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Forgive yourself as many times as it takes to find peace.

SLAY on!

State Of Slay Forgive Yourself Didn't Know

You Can Forgive Yourself Now

When I was newly on my path I was asked to write down all the people that had harmed me, I, being in victim mode at the time, vigorously got to work, this was my chance, I thought, to point out how I had been wronged and getting it all down on paper was going to justify the place where I had found myself. When I was done I read it out loud, feeling good about my list and all of those on it, now the truth was going to come out I thought. When I was done the question was asked of me, why aren’t you on the list? The comment was made, you should be at the top of your list, you did the most damage to yourself. That hit me like a ton of bricks. What? Had this person not just heard my list of dastardly people who had all such horrible things to me? What did I have to do with that? Well, as it turns out, a lot. I had spent so much time playing the victim that I had totally lost sight that I played a role in most of what I was angrily carrying around. In fact, unless we are children, or the victim of a random crime, we always have a part. Taking responsibility for that part seemed like a daunting task.

For me, I had to tackle it as a fact-finding mission. What were the patterns of my past? And, boy where they there. When I saw it all on paper it was very obvious where my behavior was wrong time and time again. But instead of beating myself up for it, I had to learn to forgive myself and move on. It was pointed out to me that for most of my wrongdoing I did not know better, and for the times I did, I was doing the best I could at that time, not to make excuses for my behavior, but to find a way to not resent myself for it. We all can only do what we can with the tools we have, and if we don’t have the right tools, or any, we can’t fault ourselves for past decisions. Even if we do have the right tools, that doesn’t always mean we’ll use them, or use them in the right way. This is where forgiveness comes into play. Learning to forgive yourself is an integral part of self-love, of having healthy relationships in your life and to stop repeating the past. When we learn from our past, forgive ourselves for what may have gone wrong, we can let it go and move past it. And when we love ourselves we stop doing things and associating with people who don’t honor that love. Forgiveness is the key to all of those things we want and when we don’t understand why we don’t.

Learning to forgive ourselves may be the most difficult thing we do, especially for those of us that have carried that guilt and self-hatred around like a badge of honor. Let it go, let it all go and forgive yourself, and make part of that forgiveness a living amends to yourself by not repeating the past, by learning from those mistakes or events that you carried guilt around for, vow to work to not repeat those same mistakes, and even if you do, use that as a learning moment and move on. No one is perfect, we all make mistakes, allow yourself to make them and forgive yourself for the ones of your past. In doing so, you will open the door to your own freedom. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you harbor a lot of shame, guilt or self-hatred towards yourself for your past? If so, how do you do this? How does this harm you? Why do you do this? Do you point fingers at others and have a difficult time seeing your part in these relationships or events? Why do you think that is? What if you looked for your part? When we look at our past it allows us to see the patterns of our behaviors, to see where we keep making the same choices that are getting us results we don’t want. Use those old mistakes as a learning tool and forgive yourself for the choices of your past, turning those old tools that did not work into ones that do.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! When you feel strong, nothing can disturb your peace of mind.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then… SLAY on!

State Of Slay Peace Disturbed

Are You Disturbable?

Some days I’m more disturbable than others. When I’m taking care of myself, I’m practicing self-care, I’m eating right, getting rest, doing things in my day that give back to myself and others, I’m not very disturbable, but when I’m not doing those things I leave myself open to being easily disturbed by people, places and things. When I feel like I’m not solid in my foundation I can be disturbed by the smallest things, and at times, I’m not even aware of it when it starts, and then all of a sudden it’s there. I can judge how well I’m doing by my disturbability.

When I started on my road to recovery I was told that when I was disturbed that no matter what the cause, that the problem was with me. Now, as a recovering, well many things, but, victim who’s first reaction to any problem was to point fingers, that was a tough one to swallow. How could every disturbance be my problem? The truth is, it is always my problem if I am taking responsibility for my actions and reactions to what is around me. No matter what happens, even if it is beyond my control, I still have the responsibility to react in a way that is honorable to myself and those around me. It is easy to lash out in retaliation, and in some instances we may seem we have the right to, but at what expense? Does that behavior really solve anything, or, does it make it worse, because we now have become a part of the problem and may have harmed ourselves in the process. No matter what, we have a duty to ourselves to react, or not, based on who we are and what is better for our higher good. And that’s what it’s all about, practicing taking actions that support our higher good, and sometimes that means taking the higher road and not engaging with someone even when they are baiting you to do so.

When we live in a place where we feel fulfilled, where we feel connected or spiritually fit, we are far less disturbable. Things may come our way ubt we are like ducks, we keep swimming and the water just rolls off our back, and when we find we are highly disturbable that should be an indication that something is off, missing or we might need to step up something in our lives that makes all of those disturbances much less important. For me, when I am doing all of the things I need to do to be at my best, nothing can really disturb me, nothing seems worth the disturbance and I can’t be disturbed, and the trick is, when I’m not able to do all of the things I need to do to be in that place, when I do get disturbed, to recognize it and instead of immediately reacting, to check in with myself to see why it’s disturbing me so much, and, that’s not to say I’m perfect at this, there are times I do react quickly and then need to apologize later, but I’ve learned to use my level of disturbance to gauge where I am in my mental health, physical health and spirituality.

We have control over how disturbed we can be, it is within our power to not let things bother us, we always have the choice to walk away, to not respond, or to use that moment to look within. Next time you find yourself disturbed, before you react, ask yourself why you’re letting yourself be disturbed and what the better choice is, give yourself the power to walk away and let things go. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you find that you get disturbed often? Why do you think that is? How does that hurt you? What can you do to be less disturbed in your life? Do you notice that you are more disturbable on certain days? What type of days are those? Is there something that triggers you to be more sensitive to disturbances on certain days? What are those triggers? So knowing what your triggers are, that gives you some power over your disturbances, if you know what makes you more susceptible to them you then have the protection against falling victim to them, and instead of just reacting, arming yourself with the knowledge of why you’ve been triggered and then doing the next right thing. It’s all in your hands.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Don’t let a bad situation change your inner goodness.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then… SLAY on!

State Of Slay Look Back

Someone Doesn’t Need To Feel Sorry For You To Love You

How often, when we meet someone new, do we sit them down and share all of the terrible events of our past, how we were wronged, times we were a victim and just how difficult live has been for us thus far? Those stories or events from our past have become our narrative and what defines us and we share it with anyone who will listen to demonstrate how damaged we are and that we just want to be loved. Well, we can still be loved without dumping all of our baggage out for everyone to see, in fact, by not dumping it out we are showing ourselves love first before we are expecting it or wanting it from someone else. We all have stories from our past, and those events may have played a major role in who we are today, but, we are not our past, and getting to know someone new is a great opportunity to share who we are today and what we are looking for in the future. It’s not necessary to look for sympathy to find love.

In my past I often kept, what I perceived, as anything bad to myself, but I would use those stories from my past strategically at times to gain sympathy or to manipulate a situation in my favor. I held on to them like bonus cards, and when I thought it could be helpful to me, in any form, I would then take one out to get the desired result. When I think of that behavior now it seems gross to me, and very dishonest, it wasn’t until I stepped onto this path and started to learn a new way of living that I realized what I had been doing. Walking into a support group and talking with others who had many of the same stories I had I realized I could no longer use those stories the same way, it wouldn’t work in this crowd, and, there was always someone with an even tougher story than mine, but most importantly, I shouldn’t be using them for any purpose but one of connection, understanding and compassion for someone else, and in doing so, I had to forgive those who had been involved in those stories, including myself. Even though I had been using them in the past to get what I want, it still hurt me each time I told them, and it put me in the frame of mind of a victim, when I took responsibility of my part in those stories, or forgiving those who hurt me, I was able to shed the role as a victim and take my power back regarding my past, even in those instances in the past where I truly was a victim.

You are, just as you are, worthy of love, there’s no need to try to whip up sympathy or bring yourself down to find love. Stand tall in who you are today, sharing the stories of our past only if we feel it can help someone or help us to connect or relate with someone who may be struggling, it is up to us to let go of the past, to find peace with it so we can move on and allow someone to love us for who we are today and not what happened to us in the past. We, as SLAYERS, stand tall in who we are, there is no need to ever try to dull our shine or diminish who we are by dragging our past into our present day. Look for people in your life who love and appreciate you for you, and who encourage you to always be your best you. Lay to rest who used to be, for the you of today. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you use the stories of your past to gain sympathy? Do you try to manipulate people with those stories? When you meet someone new do you feel obligated to tell that person all of the stories of your past? Why? What are you hoping to gain? What if you didn’t tell those stories? Have you made peace with those stores yourself? If not, why not? What steps can you take to do so? How does it hurt you to hang onto them? How can it help you to let go? We are lovable just as we are, we don’t need to guilt anyone to love us or feel bad for us, we all have had things happen to us in our past that were hurtful, harmful or destructive, but we have the power to not let ourselves be defined by those things, we, today, live in the light, and share that light with others who are still looking for theirs.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you