Needs

Perspective: It’s Not All About You

We don’t typically see things how they are, we see things as we are, and we all have a different perspective depending on what we want or were expecting to happen. Ask a group of people to recount witnessing the same incident and you’ll get as many versions as there are people. We tend to look at things through our own lens and that can cause conflict with those around us.

When I was living in the dark everything was all about me. Even when I was doing something for someone else, it was still all about me. I always wanted something in return, even if it was just the recognition for doing it. In my own perspective back then, that wasn’t true, but when I was able to look back with honesty, I had to admit that all of my motivations for doing anything back then were self-centered and self-seeking. I also walked into many situations with the intention, whether intentional or not, and making that situation about me. Even when I would say or think that the last thing I wanted was to stand out or be the center of attention, I would still manipulate the situation so that it became about me, even quietly behind the scenes. And, in those occasions when I knowingly was walking in and wanting it to be all about me and I didn’t get what I wanted, it typically resulted in some bad behavior on my part. And, even in those situations, I could always justify that bad behavior in my mind, or stuff it down like it didn’t happen, or I was deserving of it. Well, it did happen, and I wasn’t deserving.

As I got better that behavior stopped, and because of the tools I was learning to use I was able to spot my old behavior as it was rearing it’s ugly head, and spotting it in myself also gave me the perspective to see it in others and have a better understanding of why things can get derailed into different directions. The holidays is the perfect example. So many times it becomes about everyone else’s expectations or agendas that we lose the true meaning of the holidays, and instead of it being a time of good cheer, of celebrating with friends and family, it becomes about other things that are selfishly motivated. It’s important to remember what the point of each gathering or event is, and work to keep yourself in line with that, to share in the joy of the purpose of why you are there without trying to steer that event or gathering into a purpose that suits your own needs or fits your expectations. You’re purpose is to add to the purpose of the gathering or event and put your own needs and wants aside. A quick way to get out of your own motives is to ask yourself how you can be of service where you are. How can you help or make, wherever you are, better and more enjoyable, what can you add to a situation and not take away from it? Take a step back, remove yourself from what you see and see it for what it is. When we are able to take ourselves out of the equation the perspective becomes clearer and then when we step back in we are better able to be a part of something, and it’s intended purpose, without pulling the focus to us.

It’s easy to get caught up in the drama, office politics or family dynamics of a situation, but it’s important for your own peace of mind and overall mental health to not involve ourselves in situations that we shouldn’t, or not step on someone else’s toes to look better in the eyes of those around you. Keep yourself right-sized and a part of the solution, not the one causing the chaos. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you find it difficult to see things from a different perspective other than your own? How has this gotten you into trouble in the past? Do you find you are able to look at things through an objective perspective or can you only see things through your own point of view or intentions? Do you, whether intentionally or not, attempt to make situations about your and your objectives? Give an example. When we are able to let go of ego and look at every situation as one where we can be of service, many times it puts us in the right frame of mind and gets us out of self. It is important to keep our own expectations and agenda out of the mix when there is generally a greater purpose, and if we are able to stay out of the way of that purpose and even help with it, we are in the right place using the right perspective.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Your present circumstances don’t determine where you can go, they only determine where you start.

New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Dont Compare

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Let no one discourage you. You don’t need a fan club to achieve your goals. Be your own motivation.

SLAY on!

State Of Slay Ships

Validation: But What About Me?

Hey, we all love a little validation for a job well done, or a good deed, or just for being the best we can be right? It’s nice to feel appreciated, but when that validation becomes the only reason for doing something it becomes a problem. I’ve talked about how we shouldn’t do anything unless we want to, plain and simple. Without expecting anything else in return. Yeah, I said it, without expecting anything in return. Then and only then are we doing something for the right reasons. That got you thinking didn’t it? How many things do we do because we’re expecting something in return? Or because we think it might make us look good? Or because someone might owe us and we can call on the favor later? All we’re doing when we are acting with those intentions is setting ourselves up for resentments, because if we don’t get what we want, or expect, we’re going to get angry. But, we shouldn’t have been doing it in the first place. We need to be accountable to what is motivating us in the first place.

Some of us also use doing things for others to feel validated as a person. That we have no value if they’re not doing things for others. Also not the most healthy. Again, it’s great to do nice things for others but not if you’re using that as your sole source of self-worth, and putting that need of validation before your own actual needs. It’s important to find a balance, of taking care of yourself and what you need and if you have the time or ability to, then do something nice for someone else. It’s kind of like the flight attendant announcement at the beginning of a flight when they advise you in the event of an emergency to put your mask on first before helping someone else. That’s good advice. Because if you’re passed out, you’re not going to be able to help anyone else. Make sure your needs are taken care of and you’re not putting someone else’s needs before your own and not giving yourself what you need to be your best self.

For me I use to look for validation because I was typically doing things for the wrong reasons. I was looking for the validation to feel better about myself, because I hated who I was, I was looking for validation to feel smarter, especially smarter than you, and I was looking for validation to get something I wanted. Very few things just came from a pure heart of wanting to do something, but my heart was always in fear or resentment, so nothing good would come out of that heart when those where the chief factors of my motivation. It was hard to face the facts of why I was doing what I was doing, and to realize that I was only doing those “nice” things to fill a the void I felt inside, but that void could never be filled with those outside things, so it became a vicious cycle of trying to do them, and wanting recognition for them, but even if I got it it never filled me up.

At the end of the day it’s our job to fill up our own hearts. To do things that make us feel good, because we want to do them, and to make sure if we’re feeling empty, that we don’t start looking outward to fill an inside job. We all have value, we all have worth, and when we learn to accept that in ourselves, and learn to fill those needs, we stop looking for outside validation to do it for us. We find it in ourselves. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: What do you think motivates you to do something? Are you looking for validation? If so, why? What does it mean to you to get validation for something you’ve done? What if you don’t get that validation? What do you do then? What do you tell yourself? Do you retaliate? How has seeking validation affected your relationships? How has it affected the relationship you have with yourself? What can you do to repair or change that relationship with yourself? What are 5 things you can do this week to show yourself some love, to validate yourself with acts of love and doing what fills you up inside? Do them SLAYER, and continue to do them, no need to validate yourself anymore than that.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Refresh, Relax, Recharge

We all lead busy lives, wear a lot of hats, and we put ourselves under enormous pressure each day to be all things to all people, but we often forget to be there for ourselves. To unwind. To practice self-care. To recharge.

My schedule has been really busy, and I thrive on busy, but I do need to take time for myself each day to give back to myself. Some days that is harder than others. But I look for ways, even if it’s small, to do something nice for myself, or do something that I will thank myself for later. But every so often I get caught up in the rat race and I feel rundown. That feeling hit me like a ton of bricks a few days ago. I just hit a wall. Now the old me would have pushed through, not been present, probably would have been resentful, but gotten it done. My ego would have said, “well done,” but my spirit would have been gasping for air…or a nap. I am thankful that many years of work and practicing self-care gave me enough awareness that I saw the warning signs, felt them, and canceled my afternoon to take of myself for the rest of the day. And that, felt amazing.

It is easy to forget to take care of ourselves, often we are at the bottom of our own list. We run around, busy, doing things for everyone else, and forget to check in to see what we need. Or, we may feel guilty for needing anything at all. We shouldn’t. We all need some rest from time to time. That doesn’t make us weak, that doesn’t make us a loser, or less-than, it makes us healthy, self-loving individuals who make sure we are balancing our lives with stuff we need to do, stuff we want to do for others, and, stuff that let’s us unwind, and gets our torch burning again. I’ve said this many times, here at STATE OF SLAY and on my livestream SLAY TALK LIVE, we can’t offer someone something we don’t have. If our tank is empty there is nothing we give to someone else. It is of great importance that we make sure we are getting that, and doing that for ourselves. It is not selfish, it is self-love.

I know from experience, for me, that when I rundown, I start to disconnect from myself, as a way to push through the exhaustion, or pain, or stress, but when I do that I am not listening to my own wants and needs, I am just propelling myself forward, and that is when I can get hurt. Emotionally, physically, spiritually. I know, from doing it many times in the past, that I am headed for trouble when I’m in that state, and, I have put myself in dangerous situations when I’m walking around without an awareness of my own needs.

It is OK to take time for ourselves. It is OK to nourish ourselves, to love ourselves enough that we do what’s best for us. Even if that comes before someone else’s needs. Sometimes we need to slow down, and sometimes that means we have to tell someone we can’t do something, or need to reschedule for another day, and all of that is OK, it’s more than OK, it’s great. Anyone who loves you will understand, and should understand, that you need to take care of you, but most importantly, you need to understand that it is OK to take care of you. It’s great to do things for others in your life, but not that the cost of your own self-care, make sure you are taking the time in your life to refresh, relax, recharge. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you over-schedule your life? When you’re planning your days or weeks, to you schedule time to rest, do something you like, or take a break? If not, why not? Do you see that if you are run down that you don’t have much to give someone else? What can you do to refresh, relax and recharge this week? Why don’t you write that into your schedule SLAYER, schedule some YOU time, and see if that makes a difference in how smoothly your days go.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Self Care: H.A.L.T.

Self care, I had no idea what that meant before I started this journey. What the heck was self care? Dodging those people I didn’t want to see, or had skipped out on? Sleeping off the night before? Yelling at someone so they would leave me alone and stop asking so many questions? That was my kind of self care before I started to love myself. Every day we wear a lot of hats, and it’s easy to put other people’s needs ahead of our own, and, it is nice to give back or do something for someone else, but we can’t forget to do something nice for ourselves, or even better, make it more than one thing, and a priority.

When I first set out on this path I hated myself, so the thought of being loving and kind to myself was a little tough to swallow, and having lived most of my life pretending to be who I thought you wanted me to be, I didn’t really know what to do to be kind and loving to myself and to give back to myself. Who was I? What did like? But I found as I started walking a path of learning who my authentic self was and learning to love that person I started to figure out what to do to show myself the love and respect that I would want from others, and to nurture the person inside of me who still believed she was less than.

That’s what it really is. It’s showing yourself that you matter, that your needs should also be met, and that with everything that we do every day, we need time to do something nice for ourselves and show ourselves we care, we need to recharge our batteries and put more fuel in the “I love myself” tank. We all run around with these ‘to-do’ lists, but we never seem to put ourselves on that list, we need to make sure, somewhere on that list, we write our own name down and make time to do something nice for ourselves, even on the busiest of days, even if it’s just singing out loud in your car to our favourite song, let your authentic self shine and show yourself love.

As I got more clarity, and found more self-love, I found ways to give back to myself, and I now make it a priority every day, and this also includes the things I’ve talked about before, making sure I’m eating properly, getting enough sleep, doing the things I need to do to give myself the best chance at success for my day, maybe sitting in silence to calm my nerves or thoughts, or reading something that helps me put things in perspective, lighting a candle, it’s about making sure I am doing what I can to put my best foot forward, all of that is also self-care, and self-love. When I find that my mind is racing and I’m feeling overwhelmed that is the first question I ask myself is, how am I doing in the self-care department, am I in H.A.L.T? I’ve mentioned H.A.L.T before, H.A.L.T stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. If I am any of those things I’m not in self care, I have neglected to do the things I need to do to face the day with a clear mind and the energy the I need to tackle my day.

Let’s get into H.A.L.T. Hungry, well, that is simple, if I’m hungry I need to eat, no excuses, I need to do it. My head turns to mud when I’m hungry, I can’t make decisions, and I become overly sensitive. Angry, well, I usually get angry at myself for not eating and for not being able to make decisions because I’m hungry, and then I overreact to things and get angry. Lonely, this will pop up if I have been isolating, not reaching out to friends and family and letting them know what’s going on for me, so I’m feeling shut off and distanced from those I love. Tired, did I go to bed early enough, did I get enough rest for the day ahead, if I didn’t, I am grumpy. H.A.L.T. keeps things simple, it’s the basics, but we all have needs we need to take care of to make sure we are giving ourselves the self care we need.

If these simple things are met I am usually pretty good to go through my day, and then adding a little something that’s just for me is a nice way to celebrate myself and let myself know that I’m cared for and loved, you should also do this, because, you are worth it and deserve things in your life that make you feel good, and nourishes that part of you inside who may have felt beat down, discouraged, who may not have had a voice, or had been feeling lost and alone, do it for that person, love that person and treat that person with the care and love they may not have gotten, give it to them now, give it to yourself now, give yourself what you need, give yourself self love, and self care.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you always put everyone else’s needs before yours? Do you take time out of your day just for yourself? If not, why? Do you think you’re worth taking some time for yourself? If not, why? You are SLAYER! Work on building self-care into your days and see how that changes your perspective on yourself, and the world around you. What’s one thing you can do today for your own self care? SLAY on.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you