feelings

Are You Disconnected From Yourself?

For much of my life, I felt like I had stepped out of myself and was observing my life from a distance. Not having a way to feel my feelings in a healthy way and a way that promoted my growth, I hide from my feelings and eventually, when the pain got to be too much, disassociated from them and myself. It was a very lonely existence knowing I didn’t have myself on my own side, and feeling like someone else, or something else, was running the show. And even on a night when I made a decision that could have proved to be fatal, I sat back and watched it happen until the fear of what I had done brought me back to myself long enough to surrender and ask for help. It’s frightening to think about now, as I have worked over the past 14 years to be present and in the moment, no matter how uncomfortable or painful that might be, it is important to me to feel my feelings and work through them in a healthy and productive way. To get to this point in my journey, I had to get honest and I had to learn to feel.

I had, at a very young age, stuffed down my feelings. I was afraid to share how I felt, feeling I would be judged for it, made fun of, I would not look smart, or, that I was wrong feeling what I felt. That thinking caused me a tremendous amount of anxiety, which made me feel even more self-conscious and made me disconnect from myself even more. Not giving myself permission to feel my feelings I never learned how to process them when they came up, so I started looking for outside things to change how I felt or to mask or numb what I didn’t want to feel. I constantly lived in my own head, creating other places for myself to go, then I started to control what I ate, then how I did things, having to do them in very specific ways or that anxiety or feeling of dread would pop up again, and on and on it continued, until what I needed to do to stuff down my feelings became bigger and bigger, and, would later threaten my life. Having to sit in the uncomfortableness of my feelings was difficult at first, but I was taught to breathe through it and to acknowledge how I felt, but then let it go, some things were easier to let go than others, but the more I practiced it the easier it got. I began to write down how I felt, which I found to be helpful in showing patterns of when my feelings popped up and what they were attached to. I worked with a counselor to help me make sense of the feelings I didn’t understand, and I began to carve out some quiet time each day to find some peace and to focus on finding a foundation I could build on in this new journey. Feelings aren’t facts, and most times they are tied into something that has nothing to do with our present circumstances, they are old ideas, stories and narratives we’ve told ourselves, or have been told, that we cling to making them our truths even when they are not, or may not be anymore. But feelings can be indicators that something is wrong and can be used as tools if we acknowledge them and process them as such, and they can be wonderful, positive and something we can cherish and enjoy. The bottom line is we have to stay connected to who we are and what we feel and making sure what we feel is accurate, or take note of what they’re telling us as they might be what we need to know to move forward.

Staying connected and present can be challenging at times, we don’t always want to feel our feelings, but avoiding them only puts up a wall between them and us, and the more we avoid them the higher that wall becomes until we may not be able to see ourselves anymore. Stay connected to who you are and know that, even if you don’t want to feel what you feel, feelings pass, and they may be trying to tell you something you should know. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you feel like you are connected to yourself? If not, why not? Why do you think you disconnect from yourself? How do you think it helps you? How does it harm you? What type of feelings you do try to avoid? Why is that? How do you avoid them? Do you go to unhealthy lengths to avoid your feelings? How do you do that? What can you do to stay connected with yourself and how you feel today? What type of things can you do to keep that connection? We are not meant to live a life disconnected from who we are, we are meant to find a connection within ourselves and to what is around us, to live in harmony within our own lives but within a community that we identify with and fills us with joy. Find your own joy within as you love yourself and honor yourself in each present moment.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Either you run your day, or you day runs you.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then… SLAY on!

State Of Slay Create A Life.jpg

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYERS! Hate is heavy, let it go.

SLAY on!
State Of Slay Ill Mind

 

The Power Of Words

I was having a conversation the other day about the power of words. The words we say aloud, and most importantly, the words we say internally to ourselves. Our words have more power than we think. Our words power what we think. Our words can change how we feel and can change how others feel. They can uplift us and can tear us down. But we get to choose what words have power over us, and what words have what meaning to us and our lives. And, we get to choose how we use our words.

When I was struggling to find the light in my life my inner dialogue was powerful, I gave it the power to keep me there, to only see the darkness, and I let my words speak a narrative that wasn’t authentic to who I was, but would tell the narrative I wanted to tell. The more I said them, them the more I believed them. My words kept me sick, and were making me sicker. I sought out people or situations where I would find the same words, so I was never hearing anything different. I didn’t realize that my words had the power they did, or that I even had power over them, it just seemed like a running dialogue of negativity that I couldn’t escape from.

It wasn’t until I made the choice to find a solution that I started to realize the power of my words, and, how I could get power over them. If I was going to get better and start loving myself, I had to start using my words for good, my good, and stop letting them tear me down. At first I struggled to find the words that were going to start a positive change in my life, but I was encouraged to look for what I was grateful for, what I saw in my life that was positive, and start saying those things out loud. To start, it wasn’t easy, but even if I could think of one thing, I would write it down, put it in my pocket, and when the negative words started to flow, I would take that piece of paper out and say those positive words out loud. The key for me was to say them out loud, to hear myself say them, and as I practiced this I began to find more positive words to say and more things I was grateful for. Those words started the change, and I started to realize that my words could make change, in myself, and those around me. I realized that I had the power to do that, and set out to lay down the foundation of positivity in what I was saying. I also began to realize that my words could move me forward in a direction I wanted to go, that they could propel me to a place that I had only dreamed of, and because I was saying it, and because I was doing the work, that place was now within my reach.

Today I work to choose my words carefully. I use them to shoot forward, like an arrow, of where I want to go, I use them to stamp out my fear, to congratulate myself when I overcome something in my life that I have been challenged by in the past, I use them to encourage myself, and those around me, and I have learned to listen and seek out others who speak the words I speak or want to speak. When we learn to use our words to guide ourselves in the direction we want to, we take power over our words and where we’re going, our words are more powerful than we think. Use your words carefully because you are listening. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you understand the power of your words? What do you use your words for mostly? To lift you up, or tear yourself down? If you use them to tear yourself down, why do you make that choice? How does it hold you back? What words do you use around others? Do you speak more kindly towards others than yourself? Why is that? What if you chose to speak kinder words to yourself? What do you think the result would be? Feel the power of your words, the power they have within yourself and out in the world, and you decide what energy you want to put behind them, that choice is yours.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you cannot change.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then… SLAY on!
state-of-slay Emotional Pain

I Don’t Want To Feel What I Feel

I stepped on this path over 13 ½ years ago, and much of what got me to this path was not wanting to feel my feelings. At first it started with not wanting to feel bad, or different, or less than, disappointed, or unsafe, but as my disease grew, and I continued to stuff my feelings down, I got to the point that I didn’t want to feel anything, even the good. The good, toward the end, was worse than the bad, because I didn’t feel like I deserved the good, so when a good feeling crept in it was immediately followed with guilt, and, fear that something bad was going to quickly come because I didn’t deserve to feel good. Much of the work I have done in recovery has focused on feeling my feelings, all feelings, acknowledging them, giving myself permission to have them, and letting them go. It has been many years since I have been challenged the way I am right now with not wanting to feel.

There has been an ongoing issue with a neighbor, a neighbor, ironically, who suffers from mental illness, and appears to be self-medicating with an illegal substance that affects our home and our own mental health greatly. We have tried through different channels to address this situation and it was decided on, through council, that our best option is to remove ourselves from the situation altogether. This, brought up a lot of feelings. And even though I am an advocate for everything I talk about here at State Of Slay™ I am still human and the feelings that came up knocked me off my feet.

I’ve really struggled, this week in particular, and I realized that since dealing with this issue next door, something that has been so upsetting and traumatizing that I may actually have some emotional damage from it, and, alongside that, the feeling of anger, frustration, and grief at having to leave a home we love because of someone else’s illness. Again, I can see the irony in this, as I was once, very much like this person next door, was living inside the darkness of my disease, although, never brought my disease to someone’s front door and into their home the way this person has. And as a result, I’ve  had a really difficult time through this. I struggled in a way I haven’t for a long time and there were moments in my struggle that scared me. And, it’s interesting being so open about mental health and an advocate for self-care and positive thinking, because I almost didn’t give myself permission to feel what I was feeling, and, to not want to feel it. Having been on this path for so long I have many safety nets in place, and, ultimately know what to do to get myself back on track, openly admitting this to someone I love and trust was a big first step and eased a lot of the shame around it, and digging into the foundation I have built has gotten me on stronger footing already, but it was a bit of scary week. I think, also, having this all come during Suicide Prevention Day and this month of awareness also brought up some old feelings and gave my disease a little bit of a soap box to stand on. I am grateful that I know better to listen, but those all too familiar feelings came up, and they felt awful.

My point for sharing this today is that no matter who you are, how far you’ve come, or what you use for voice for out in the world, you are allowed to feel, whatever that may be, and if those feelings bring you to a place that scares you or gives you concern, reach out to someone and share with them, and do the things you need to do to get yourself back to where you feel safe and at your best. Life does has it’s ups and downs, and most of it is beyond our control, accepting life on life’s terms and doing our best to navigate the twists and turns is all we can do, sitting in our hurt, or hate, or anger, and not accepting the truth only hurts us more. Today I will work on seeing the silver lining in all of this, of what I can learn and take away from my pain, and to use it to shine a light for others who may be feeling the same. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you allow yourself to feel your feelings? How do you do that? Do you share how you feel with others? If not, why not? If yes, do you have a circle of friends or people you trust you can be open and honest with? It’s OK to feel, you are entitled to have feelings, but what’s not OK is letting them dictate how your day is, or life is, or your value as a human being. Feelings are great indicators of what is really going on, they are triggered by memories or situations from our past, and can tell us a great deal about where are mental and spiritually. Let yourself feel and then set those feelings free, thanking them for showing you what you needed to see.

S – self  L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYERS! To be human is to feel broken sometimes, but loving all those broken pieces is it’s own kind of beautiful.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Kill Your Sadness

Feeling Bad Doesn’t Mean You’re A Bad Person

Before walking this path I thought I was a bad person. Because I felt bad and was thinking bad thoughts I thought that made me a bad person. What I didn’t realize back then is that I had an untreated disease that was centered in my mind, a disease that constantly fed me bad thoughts and was working every day to keep me believing I was a bad person who only deserved bad things. Any time I did or said something that could be labeled bad my disease stood up and yelled SEE,”just in case I hadn’t yet got the point. It took a lot to let go of the belief that I was a bad person, and even more work to realize that if I do feel bad, that doesn’t mean that I’m bad.

Our thoughts and minds can be our worst enemies. Most of us would never tolerate what we think and say to ourselves from anyone else. And yet, we can tear ourselves down daily without questioning why or fighting back. For me, I let it beat me down until I almost didn’t have any fight left, or hope, but was fortunate to find just a flicker of it when I needed it most. On my journey of recovery I had to throw out my old ideas and learn new ones, ones that would build me up instead of tear me down, and I had to let go of the idea that feeling bad made me bad. Feelings aren’t facts. Just because we feel something doesn’t make it true. We sometimes feel fear when there is nothing to be afraid of, we can feel hurt when nothing was done to us, or we can feel sad for no reason whatsoever. Our feelings, at times, can deceive us, they’re not always what they appear to be, and can be rooted in something else entirely, or, have been received through our own perception and a filter of our choosing, perhaps not based in reality at all, but there to allow us to continue to tell the narrative we wish to tell. Feelings can trick us if we’re not in tune with our emotions and receiving them for what they are, so it’s important to not let them define us.

We all have days when our minds might bend to the side of negative, or we’re agitated, but those thoughts or feelings are not who you are, even if you go through a period of time feeling them, you get to decide who you are, you are in charge, and feeling something doesn’t mean you are pigeon-holed into only being that one thing. I was able to let go of my perception of being a bad person by thinking of my feelings like the clouds, they come and go, pass by, some are white and fluffy, some are pink, and, some are dark and menacing, but none of them stay in one place for long, and I would never define the sky as only having clouds that look one way. Our feelings too are like the clouds in the sky, they change, they come and go, but behind them is still the beauty that remains, the beauty that is always there, even when we can’t see it.

What you feel is not what you are. Allow yourself to have bad thoughts without labeling yourself a bad person. Find out where these feelings come from, why they come, and when, and you might just find your key to letting those bad feelings pass. Look up at the sky today SLAYER, and watch the clouds pass by to reveal the blue skies ahead. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you label yourself a bad person if you think or feel bad thoughts? Why do you think you do this? What do you think or feel? Why? Are these feelings based in fact? Where do they come from? How can you let them go? Does it serve you to hang onto them? Does it hurt you to hang onto them? Do you think you’re a bad person? Why? What, in your eyes, makes you a bad person? We’ve all done, said, and thought things that might be labeled bad, but it only makes us a bad person if we believe we are. You have the opportunity, at any given time, to shed that bad label you’ve given yourself and be who you truly are, and if you’re not sure who that is, why not start today on your journey to find out.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Impress people with the things you are, not the things you have.

SLAY on!

state-of-slay Things

I See It When I Believe It

Before getting well, I was often heard saying the opposite, “I’ll believe that when I see it,” which was almost always followed by an eye roll. I had a very skeptical mind that always went to the negative. I looked for the negative so that’s what I saw. I believed that’s what I deserved because I believed I was a bad person and I was ashamed of how I was living my life. Even when good things did come, I thought something negative would follow it to balance things out, robbing me of the enjoyment of that good. It never occurred to me to look for the good, or even that it was there before I stepped on this path.

When I made a commitment to get better I was encouraged to look for the good. I was in the darkest place I had ever been, so the thought that there was anything in my life that could be labeled good seemed far-fetched, but I was reminded that I was standing in a place of willingness, willingness to find a solution and get better, that alone was something good, and, that was something I could hang onto to start. Looking back, that was a lot of good, it took a lot of courage to come forward and share my true self, true pain and true thoughts and feelings, but I knew my life depended on it, so I gathered up all the courage I could to step forward. As I continued my journey I was constantly challenged to find the good, and to believe in it. Some days it was difficult to find it and I had to hold on to the simple facts that I had made it on this journey so far and that was positive, that I had love and support in my life and I was still alive. I had to break it down to those simple facts some days just to get by. But with most things, the more we do them the easier they become, and the more I started to look for the good and positive things in my life the more I found. I wrote them down at first, and some days still do, to remind myself so that if I came up against negative thinking I could pull that list out of my pocket and read them to myself. Just the act of reading or saying those things out loud could sometimes change my thinking. I also was encouraged to reach out to others when I was having a negative day, and not to talk about how bad I felt, but to ask them how their day was. That act also, many times, turned my thinking around, and most of all, got my thinking outside of myself. For me, the root of my troubles centered in my mind, my thinking, my thoughts wanted to keep me in the dark and isolated from everyone, so by doing things that took me out of my own thoughts or the negative thinking I had become accustomed to, my thinking started to change and so did my perception of the world around me.

I know today that I have the power to see what I want to see. I can take any day, any situation, and make it positive or negative, it’s all in how I look at it, or what I choose to take away. When I believe I deserve the good, when I believe I have good in my life, I see it, and not only do I see it, I feel it and share it with others. It becomes like a magnet, and that energy I give out brings back the same energy. But it starts with me believing. As a recovered “victim of life” that makes me feel pretty powerful.

If you believe it, you’ll see it. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you tend to see things from a negative perspective? Why do you think that is? Have you always been that way? If not, what changed? If you have, why do you think that is? Have you tried to find the positive in your life? How has that gone? Have you found it? Have you lost it? How? What if you made a commitment to look for the good, the positive, in your day today? Write down all of the things you find, and put it in your pocket for a rainy day. Practice doing this every day until you start to notice the positive on your own. Life is really what we make it, and when we believe it, we can see it.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you