communication

People Can’t Always Be Who You Want Them To Be

We all want someone in our lives to just understand us—to show up when we need them, to read our silent pleas, to fill the gaps we feel inside. But here’s a hard truth: nobody is designed to be your everything.

When we expect someone to always be there, always know, always respond—without communication, without boundaries—we set both them and ourselves up for heartbreak.

We must learn the beauty and the burden of loving with grace and owning our own needs.

Expectations vs. Reality

It’s natural to hope others will meet us where we are. We desire connection, validation, support. But expectations—especially unspoken ones—are traps.

When we expect another to always stay ready, even when they’re fighting their own war, we feel let down. When we expect consistent availability, we forget that everyone has their own life, struggles, and limitations.

And when reality falls short of those silent demands, we start to believe they don’t love us enough—when in truth, they might just be human like us.

Learning to Right-Size Our Expectations

The seeds of resentment often come from expecting others to be what we need without telling them. We assume they know. We assume they’ll show up.

But healthy relationships ask for clarity not mind-reading.

  • Let them know how you feel.

  • Ask for what you need.

  • Accept the answer, even if it doesn’t match what you hoped for.

This is how we protect ourselves from disappointment—not by becoming colder—but by learning truth, honest communication, and respect for boundaries.

When They Can’t Be Who You Want

Here’s what I discovered over time:

  • “Can’t” isn’t always about unwillingness—sometimes it’s about capacity.

  • Being unavailable doesn’t always mean they don’t care.

  • When someone can’t be who you want, sometimes they are doing the best they can within their own limits.

I used to take it personally when people couldn’t show up as I needed them to. I thought it meant something was wrong with me—or wrong with them. But I learned to see it differently: I learned to love them where they are, to protect my peace, and to find others with compatible strengths.

You, Not Others, Are Responsible for You

Expecting someone else to complete your emotional puzzle is heavy for both parties.

Your emotional survival is your job. You cannot force someone to be who they’re not. And when you try, you weaken your own foundation.

You deserve people who can be consistent. But until then, you can be your own constant. You can love others without relying on them. You can communicate your needs, accept imperfect love, and continue building your own inner strength.

Staying Open While Protecting Your Peace

How do you navigate this balance without becoming closed off or bitter?

  1. Stay open to love, even when disappointed.

  2. Keep your standards, but don’t demand perfection.

  3. Allow yourself to walk away when love becomes harmful.

  4. Find multiple sources of support, not just one person.

  5. Own your emotional state: don’t outsource it to others.

People Can’t Always Be Who You Want—but You Can Still Love Well

You don’t have to settle for being used, ignored, or repeatedly disappointed. You can adjust your expectations without shutting down your heart. You can ask for what you need, and learn to accept what people can give.

You don’t have to stop loving. You just have to love smarter.

SLAY Reflection

  1. What silent expectations are you placing on someone in your life?

  2. How often do you feel disappointed because someone couldn’t read your mind?

  3. What is a healthy boundary you can express to protect yourself and the relationship?

  4. Who in your life can you rely on without needing them to be everything to you?

  5. How can you practice self-reliance (emotionally) while still staying open?

S – Stop expecting people to read your heart
L – Let them care within their capacity
A – Ask for what you need—don’t demand it
Y – Yield your peace first before expecting someone else to

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
Have you ever been hurt by expecting too much from someone—and what did that teach you?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s value honesty over perfection.

And if you know someone who struggles with unmet expectations or carrying disappointment, send this to them.
Sometimes, love begins with understanding limitation.

Emotional Vampires: They’ve Come To Suck Your Life

We’ve all encountered them, we may have been them from time to time, or maybe we still are. For me, before setting out on this path I would isolate more than anything, but I do see times when I held people hostage, wanting and needing attention because I was feeling empty and less than. Emotional vampires are out there, looking to lock us in and not let us go, they have many tactics and try different angles to engage with us and suck us in to their life with no intention of letting us go. How do we know we’ve encountered an emotional vampire? We feel it, we feel like the life has literally been sucked out of us, they feed off of us, our energy, our interest, or caring natures, and keep taking until we are depleted, exhausted, and can’t take anymore. It is up to us to spot these vampires and not let them take control of time and energy, to set a boundary with them, and, even better, to recognize them for what they are and not engage with them in the first place.

So, who are the emotional vampires? They come in various forms, they may come in the form of Continuous Chatter. This person is always talking, always has something to say, and typically talks so fast, and over you that you never get a word in edgewise. They also can be space invaders, talk so close to us that they invade our personal space, putting us on edge and while we’re trying to get away. We all know these people, they’re only concerned with talking about themselves and what’s happening with them, they never ask you what’s happening for you and how you are, and even if they do, they just talk over you with something else they think is more important. Then there’s the Drama Mama. Everything with these people is a 911 emergency, a breaking news event full of headlines, sirens, and epic details, even if they’re just walking the dog. These people always have something going on, something amazing, or something devastating they just need to tell you about, again, never really wanting your opinion unless it consists of praise or consolation, but only if you’re brief, there’s always more to their story. There’s the Egoist. The person who thinks the world revolves around them, that everything they are doing is bigger, better, and brag worthy, they are out to impress, and if you don’t give them what they want, they turn mean and ugly, shooting arrows at you and claiming you’re jealous of their accomplishments and life. There’s also the Victim or Martyr, always hard done by, always had the best of intentions, but were quashed, thrown to the side like trash, the world is always against them and they’re looking to you for validation as a friend, and again, never letting the conversation steer anywhere in your direction, for fear that you could take the spotlight from this constant victim. And then there’s the Master Manipulator. This person is constantly trying to control the narrative, control how you feel by invalidating your feelings and turning the spotlight back to them. No matter what we say, they are there to offer their unsolicited advice to show us how we’re living life wrong and they’ve got all the solutions. Any of these sound familiar?

So, how do we protect ourselves from these people? Well, we need to asses who these people are and decide whether or not they stay in our lives, if some of them do, we need to recognize what they’re doing, and, we need to set boundaries with them to protect our own life, peace, and serenity. Typically these people are very limited emotionally, they don’t get emotionally connected and involved, so it’s important that we don’t either. Once you’ve identified who they are and what they want, you have to counter that, so if they often cut you off it’s up to you to speak up and let them know that you’re willing to listen, but they always have to be willing to listen to you as well, to your thoughts, opinions, concerns, whatever you may have going on in your life at that time. It’s also about letting them know that your time is valuable, if it isn’t a good time to talk, if you’re working, if you’re with your family, or in the middle of something, let them know that, excuse yourself from the conversation. If they’re insisting on talking and telling you what to do you have every right to tell them that it isn’t a good time, you can thank them for their advice but tell them you need to work through it on your own. Don’t be afraid to be assertive, this is your time, energy, and serenity you’re protecting, and it, as well as you, are important. Don’t be shy about protecting yourself and your peace of mind.

At the end of the day this again goes back to my blog People Picker, it’s about making sure we’re choosing the right people to share our lives with, we need to be on the lookout for Emotional Vampires, and spot the signs of what they are and what they’re trying to do, when we are able to pinpoint it, we are able to counter their behavior with healthy choices for ourselves, and also look for the signs when we might be slipping into some of their behavior looking for an outside fix to an inside problem. Stay open, honest, and in the light, the vampires don’t like it there. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you have Emotional Vampires in your life? Write down all the people who fall into this category and write down which one or ones they are? Have you fallen prey to their actions in the past? How so? What can you do to protect yourself in the future? How have you been an Emotional Vampire in the past? What do you think you were looking for and why? How can you make sure you don’t continue that behavior in the future? Be strong in who you are, and project yourself from anyone who does not respect you, your time, and your peace of mind.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

It’s OK To Say You Don’t Know

I used to think I always had to have an answer for everything, so if I didn’t I would make one up or rush to judgement. I was always afraid to say I didn’t know, or wasn’t sure about something, like life was a game show and if I didn’t have an answer a loud buzzer was going to go off pronouncing me a bigger loser than I already thought I was. Life isn’t a game show, and sometimes we don’t know, and, that’s OK.

There’s so much freedom in saying we don’t know, it takes the pressure off of always have to know, to have an opinion, or to have an answer right there on the spot. Sometimes it does take time, sometimes we need more information, and sometimes, we just don’t know. I had a close friend who I admired a lot for the way she handled things she wasn’t sure of, I remember asking her about a situation I was going through, something I was struggling with and asked for her guidance and opinion on it, she turned to me and said, “Carrie I don’t know, but let’s find the answer,” I thought, wow, what an incredible response, one I appreciated for it’s honesty and her openness to learn with me and investigate further. And that’s how I try to look at things I don’t know, an investigation, going back to what I’ve talked about in the past, finding out the facts, what  I know to be true, and once I’ve got all of that I then can usually find an answer, even if my answer still is, I don’t know, I need more time. Life, many times, isn’t black or white, as I’ve mentioned, so it isn’t always clear on what the next right thing is, or where we stand on that. Like most things, life is a process, and sometimes that process takes time, and our process is moving at the time and speed unique to us, as is everyone else’s, so we might not have the answers that everything else may have at the same time, and that’s OK.

What we are responsible for is being true to ourselves, being honest with people in our lives, and doing the work to find the answers we need to make the best decisions, we also owe it to ourselves to let those answers come when they are meant to and not jumping the gun and blurting out something just to have an answer.

Once I got over the fear of saying I didn’t know I found a freedom there, I gave myself permission to learn and grow in that place, to discover, to find out, and that felt exciting, and I knew I would know when and what I supposed to, it took so much pressure off of me to always know everything, or to make up something that sounded like I did. I found that I was a lot less embarrassed later on or had to make less apologies because I hadn’t made up something that possibly wasn’t true just to not be the person who didn’t know. No one knows everything, the whole point of life to learn, to grow, to experience new things to help us on our journey, if we knew everything there would be nothing left to strive for, to push us, to challenge us, it’s not knowing that drives us and pushes us forward to new things, new experiences, new challenges we might never have had before.

There’s no shame in saying you don’t know, in fact, the only shame is not living your truth, and, feeling like you have to make something up to cover up who you really are and what you really think. If you don’t know, say it, you might be opening yourself up to discovering the answer with someone who also doesn’t know, opening yourself up to a new friendship, or a chance to get closer to someone already in your life who also is seeking the answers you are, or, just discovering the answers on your own, but by giving yourself the gift of time to find them you allow yourself to move forward in your own time and honor where you are at on your path or journey . That, I know.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you think you always have to have an answer? What is your fear of not having one? What are some things you don’t have an answer for? What do you think will happen if you were asked about them and you would say you didn’t know? Do you think those fears are real? Challenge yourself SLAYER to be open and honest about the things you know and don’t know, challenge yourself to say you don’t know if you don’t, and be open to finding out. SLAY on

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Talk Live Video

Hey SLAYERS! Thank you all for joining me tonight for SLAY TALK LIVE, it was another good hour of SLAY TALK with lots of laughter, lots of sharing, support, love, and as usual, some tears, but the good kind, the healing kind.

If you were not able to join us, here’s what you missed!

SLAY on!

For those interested in joining me at Modesto’s Classic Comic Con October 27-29th tickets can be purchased at Modesto’s Classic Comic Con Webpage

And, those those asking about #SuperSLAYERLoveCrew merchandise, here is a sample of what’s in the SLAY STORE. To visit the store, click here: Slay Store

Super SLAYER Love Crew

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER!  We are what we tell ourselves, so feed yourself with positive thoughts and surround yourself love and with what nourishes you.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Feed

 

Which Wolf Are You Feeding?

I was recently with a group of friends and we were talking about the fight that many of us face each day, the internal struggle, the fight of good versus evil, one of them shared a story their Grandfather used to tell him as a child, an old Cherokee legend, it goes:

“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

It made me think, which wolf was I feeding each day? Typically I’m feeding the good wolf, but on days when nothing seems to go my way, when I have a “run of bad luck” or I can’t seem to get out of a bad mood that’s a sign that I’ve been feeding the bad wolf, that I’m not taking care of myself and falling into old behaviors, because no matter what’s going on the outside, how I react, how I feel on the inside is in my control, and if I am loving, caring, and nurturing to myself, the bad wolf doesn’t come out, the bad wolf doesn’t take control, the bad wolf goes away and is chased away by the good wolf.

We have a choice each day, to feed the good wolf or the bad, it truly is up to us, we sometimes like to say it’s not, blaming others and outside things for our bad mood or attitude, but the bad is going to happen regardless, it’s the ebb and flow of life, it’s the energy we put into ourselves that determines if we are going to succumb to it or rise above it, because even in a bad situation, the good wolf can turn things around into something good, or at least see some light in the darkness. Our thoughts can be our own worst enemy, they can lead us down the darkest path, and keep us there if we let them, that’s why it’s so important to stay in the light, to live in a place of gratitude, even on a bad day, to share with others, and to give back, when we do these things we stop listening to those voices in our heads, we stop thinking about ourselves and we start thinking about how we can be of service to others, and when we do, we step into the light. If we live our lives in the light we find others there, others who are also living in the light, or at least trying to, others who will love and support us as we navigate through the choppy waters of life, they’ll be there with a boat or a hand to help us to safety. But we have to do the work to stay in that place, it’s our choice and in our control in the end.

We get out of life what we put into it, and if we’re feeding the bad wolf bad is what we’ll keep getting, if we focus on feeding the good wolf, good will come, bad will also come, but, it will be a lot more manageable with the good wolf on our side, and there will be a whole group of others, feeding their good wolves, to surround us and help us through our dark day. SLAY on my wolverines!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you tend to feed the good wolf or the bad wolf? If you’re feeding the bad, why are you doing that? Do you see how it is your choice what you feed? Do you see that if you focus on the good that your life will get better? What holds you back from feeding the good? What are you afraid of? Challenge yourself SLAYER, to feed the good wolf this week, to focus on the good, and live in gratitude, no matter what comes your way, keep feeding the good wolf, and watch a pack surround you with love.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slayer Say

Good morning SLAYER! The only obligation you have is to be your authentic self. No matter what others’ expectations may be for us, who we are, and what role we play in their lives is our decision, no one gets to dictate who we should be, that role is ours alone, and one we should be proud of.

New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Matter

Stop Looking For Happiness Where You Lost It

We’ve all been guilty of this. We look for someone’s approval who’s never given it. We go somewhere that no longer serves us, looking for something that no longer exists. We do the same things over and over when we’re not the same people, so why would the same things make us happy? We, well, many of us, are creatures of habit, and when something used to make us happy we continue to go back to that well and look for more, but sometimes that well is empty, or, it’s not really what we need anymore, and it’s up to us to stop going there looking for something that no longer exists, or no longer works for us.

I am guilty of that from time to time. I’ll fall into an old pattern looking for love, acknowledgement or inspiration where there isn’t any, maybe there never was, or there just isn’t anymore. I have this hope that it’s there, and then get my hopes dashed when it’s not. But it’s my fault for looking in those places in the first place. I know better, and then I beat myself up for searching in those places. Well, I used to beat myself up, I don’t beat myself up anymore, I ask myself why I was looking there in the first place, because the reason is going to tell me something about where I’m at emotionally and spiritually, and what I need to work on or fix for myself that day.

I know for myself that when I do go looking for happiness in the wrong places I have some work to do, the odd time I might just be doing it by rote, just a bad habit from the past, and without thinking about it, a go-to, but most of the time there is something behind it. It may be low self-esteem and I’m looking for validation, or it may be low self-esteem and I want to validate it by not getting validation, oh yeah, I’ll still do that too sometimes. It may be that I’m hoping someone will prove me wrong and show me love, acceptance or encouragement. No matter what it may be showing me, what’s it’s telling me is that I need to find a healthy way, myself, to feel fulfilled, and not place that responsibility on other people, places and things. And sometimes that can be hard, to do the work ourselves, especially when we feel like the people in our life should be there to support us, to love us, and reassure us when we need it, and yes, that’s wonderful when they do, but that’s not their jobs, it’s ours. And seeing as our well-being is our job, we need to stop going to those people, places and things looking for something that’s not there. If you know there’s no water in a well, why would you go with a cup looking for water? You wouldn’t would you, but we do it in our lives.

We need to take responsibility for our own happiness, we need to make ourselves happy without relying on people or outside things to do that for us, now I know that sounds like it’s a lot harder than just reaching out and trying to find happiness first, but the truth is, unless we are able to make ourselves happy, us, ourselves, none of that will ever truly make us happy. It might for a short period of time, but there will always be something missing, an emptiness that never gets fulfilled, I know, I lived like that for most of my life, and even at the “happiest” times of my life, there was always a darkness, or fear, or black hole inside of me that could never be filled. We fill that black hole when we surround ourselves with who and what honors who we are and how we live our lives, when we honor ourselves by listening to what we need, by giving back when we can and sharing our happiness with others, by gifting ourselves the time to do the things we love, the things that charge our batteries, that fires us up, and get us excited and inspired by life. And sometimes it’s just as simple as smiling. Of letting things go. Of acknowledging we did the best we could and that’s enough. Of letting love in, and learning to trust ourselves so we can love. And, by not looking for happiness where we know it’s not.

Happiness is within, it is there for the taking if you do the work to find it, and when you do you’ll find you’ll stop looking for it where it is not, and surround yourself with the people, places and things where it is, so you can share your happiness with those around you.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you look for happiness in places where you’ve lost it before? Why do you think you do that? How can you stop doing that? Do you find happiness within yourself? If not, why do you think you’re not able to? What’s stopping you from finding that happiness? You are SLAYER, you. No matter what your circumstances, there is always a way to find some happiness within yourself by honoring who you what you love, and sometimes, who you love. Sometimes just sharing your love with others is a way to find love in yourself, and when we do you stop looking for it in those places it no longer exists. Write down 5 non-material things you love about you SLAYER. Put that list in your pocket and carry it with you. At the end of the day, take it out, read it, and smile. SLAY on.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slayer Say

Good morning SLAYERS!  Life is 10% of what happens to us and 90% of how we react.

New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Patience

Slayer Say

Good morning SLAYER!  Sometimes the best reaction is no reaction, it’s to pause, and think before you react, and maybe, step away until you can take the next right action. There are no bonus points for speed, take the time you need to gather your thoughts and get the facts.

SLAY on!

State Of Slay Think