Before getting well, I was often heard saying the opposite, “I’ll believe that when I see it,” which was almost always followed by an eye roll. I had a very skeptical mind that always went to the negative. I looked for the negative so that’s what I saw. I believed that’s what I deserved because I believed I was a bad person and I was ashamed of how I was living my life. Even when good things did come, I thought something negative would follow it to balance things out, robbing me of the enjoyment of that good. It never occurred to me to look for the good, or even that it was there before I stepped on this path.
When I made a commitment to get better I was encouraged to look for the good. I was in the darkest place I had ever been, so the thought that there was anything in my life that could be labeled good seemed far-fetched, but I was reminded that I was standing in a place of willingness, willingness to find a solution and get better, that alone was something good, and, that was something I could hang onto to start. Looking back, that was a lot of good, it took a lot of courage to come forward and share my true self, true pain and true thoughts and feelings, but I knew my life depended on it, so I gathered up all the courage I could to step forward. As I continued my journey I was constantly challenged to find the good, and to believe in it. Some days it was difficult to find it and I had to hold on to the simple facts that I had made it on this journey so far and that was positive, that I had love and support in my life and I was still alive. I had to break it down to those simple facts some days just to get by. But with most things, the more we do them the easier they become, and the more I started to look for the good and positive things in my life the more I found. I wrote them down at first, and some days still do, to remind myself so that if I came up against negative thinking I could pull that list out of my pocket and read them to myself. Just the act of reading or saying those things out loud could sometimes change my thinking. I also was encouraged to reach out to others when I was having a negative day, and not to talk about how bad I felt, but to ask them how their day was. That act also, many times, turned my thinking around, and most of all, got my thinking outside of myself. For me, the root of my troubles centered in my mind, my thinking, my thoughts wanted to keep me in the dark and isolated from everyone, so by doing things that took me out of my own thoughts or the negative thinking I had become accustomed to, my thinking started to change and so did my perception of the world around me.
I know today that I have the power to see what I want to see. I can take any day, any situation, and make it positive or negative, it’s all in how I look at it, or what I choose to take away. When I believe I deserve the good, when I believe I have good in my life, I see it, and not only do I see it, I feel it and share it with others. It becomes like a magnet, and that energy I give out brings back the same energy. But it starts with me believing. As a recovered “victim of life” that makes me feel pretty powerful.
If you believe it, you’ll see it. SLAY on!
SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you tend to see things from a negative perspective? Why do you think that is? Have you always been that way? If not, what changed? If you have, why do you think that is? Have you tried to find the positive in your life? How has that gone? Have you found it? Have you lost it? How? What if you made a commitment to look for the good, the positive, in your day today? Write down all of the things you find, and put it in your pocket for a rainy day. Practice doing this every day until you start to notice the positive on your own. Life is really what we make it, and when we believe it, we can see it.
I’ve been there. I mean, clowns are one thing—but for me, the pattern showed up in the people I kept allowing back into my life.
Before I began walking this healing path, I lived with a lot of magical thinking. I believed that if I hoped hard enough, people or situations would just… change. And each time they didn’t, I was left hurt, disappointed, and confused. Still, I’d go back—again and again—expecting a different outcome.
For a while, I told myself it was about giving people the benefit of the doubt. But if I’m being honest, some of it was rooted in a narrative I was used to telling: that I couldn’t trust people, that others would always let me down, that I was the victim. A lot of it, though, was simply expecting someone to show up differently than they ever had before—despite all the evidence to the contrary.
Prefer to listen? The Audio Blog version is available here.
When We Hope Instead of Accept
Even after I started healing, I still found myself getting hurt in these same dynamics. The difference was, I had more awareness. I knew I couldn’t expect people to be who I wantedthem to be. But because I was changing, because I was growing and showing up differently, I’d start to think—maybe they are too.
Spoiler: They weren’t.
At least not in the way I hoped. They were still who they had always been. And I was still getting hurt.
People show us who they are. We’re the ones who often refuse to believe them. We soften the truth, sugarcoat their behavior, make excuses. But deep down, we know what’s real. We just don’t always want to accept it.
Expecting Different From What’s Always Been
We can’t expect different from someone who’s always shown us the same. Yes, people canchange—Ihave changed—but we can’t expectit. We can share how something made us feel. We can suggest a different way of communicating. But at the end of the day, some people will always return to their default patterns. And that may not change—no matter how much we grow.
The only thing we can control is us:
Our boundaries
Our expectations
Our willingness to engage
We can’t keep going back to the same well and be surprised when it’s still empty. Eventually, it’s not about them. It’s about why we keep going back.
Lead by Example—And Accept What Is
The most powerful way to inspire change is by living it.
When we shift how we communicate, how we hold boundaries, how we show up—we naturally invite others to do the same. But even then, they may not follow. And we have to be okay with that.
Because we’re only responsible for our own energy. We can’t change someone else. We can only change how we engage with them—or choose not to.
This lesson didn’t sink in for me right away. I returned to the same dynamics more than once, hoping this time it would be different. Hoping the same people would finally see me, show up for me, offer something they’d never offered before.
And each time, I left disappointed.
Eventually, the mirror flipped. The problem wasn’t just them—it was me continuing to hope for something that had never been there.
The Truth Isn’t Always Harsh—But It Is Honest
It’s not always easy to accept the truth about someone, especially if that truth means letting go of what we wishthey could be.
Accepting someone for who they are doesn’t mean you hate them. It doesn’t even mean they’re a bad person. It just means they aren’t capable of offering you what you need.
And that might mean setting boundaries. It might mean pulling back. Or it might mean walking away entirely.
The truth is: you can’t blame the clown for acting like a clown if you keep showing up at the circus. You have the power to exit the tent.
Take people for who they are—not who you hope they’ll become—and honor yourself by accepting that truth.
SLAY Reflection: Your Turn to Get Honest
Take a moment to reflect with these questions:
Do you find yourself going back to the same people, expecting different results?
Is there someone in your life you’re still hoping will change, despite a long pattern of behavior?
What are you really seeking from them—support, love, validation? Have they ever truly given it?
What boundaries could you set to protect your peace, even if they don’t change?
What would it look like to stop hoping—and start accepting?
Call to Action: Join the Conversation
I’d love to hear from you. What’s one situation or relationship you’ve kept returning to, hoping it would change—and what finally helped you step away? Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.
And if you know someone who’s stuck in a cycle of disappointment, send this to them. Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.
Most of us set goals for ourselves, or have a destination in mind we’d like to get to. We keep working and striving to get where we want to be, or may get diverted to where we should be. But there are those of us too, or times in our lives, that stop. Sometimes those rests are needed, we do need to take breaks and allow ourselves to regain focus, recharge or rethink where we’re headed, but keeping ourselves in check so we don’t get too comfortable where we are and overstay our welcome is important. We’re not meant to stand still and remain where we are, we are meant to learn, grow and move forward, even though that place where we may find ourselves may feel safe, or all we can every attain, it is not, on both accounts, unless we believe that, and we shouldn’t allow ourselves to.
I used to talk myself out of many opportunities even before they started. I would allow my negative self-talk convince me that I wasn’t good enough, or it was too difficult or I didn’t deserve what I wanted or what was presented in front of me. I had goals, there were things I wanted, and if I obtained them enough, I would sit tight and hide, thinking it would be taken away or in fear of the next goal or milestone. I would let the entirety of the journey ahead stall me before I even left the gate, and those voices in my head would tell me I was reaching too high and could never get there. It wasn’t until I changed paths and started on the path I am now that I was told that all I had to do was what was in front of me today, and do the best I could within that day, that things changed for me. Just focusing on today was much more manageable, and sometimes at the start, it was focusing on minute by minute, but it helped me to break it down into more manageable parts. As I began to practice this new way of life I started reaching new milestones and goals I had set for myself, my life was moving forward and I was leaving my old life behind. I attribute that to the work I was doing and my change in method, but I also attribute that to finally being in the right path, the path I was meant to be on. I find that when we are trying to force a certain path that movement forward is painstakingly slow, if at all, and each step feels like trying to run through quick sand, but when we are where we are meant to be, those steps can easily turn into long strides of achievement. I was not mean to stay where I was, in fact I would have died there, I was and am meant to be exactly where I am today.
It is always important to take breaks and rest, but we need to make sure we haven’t lost track of time and have stayed in a rest stop when we are meant to be back on the road. We all have a purpose, a reason for being here, whether you know what your calling is or not, it’s about following your heart, your soul, that inner voice inside of you that guides you and shows you the way, or it may be finding that to start, but it’s there, if you let yourself be quiet enough to hear it, maybe that is your path, right here, right now. Many times life doesn’t look the way we thought it would be, or should be, but we are shown different paths or lead to them for a reason, if you don’t like the one you’re on, stop and look around, listen, take rest, and then get back on the road that calls your name. SLAY on!
SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you feel like you’re on road or stuck in a rest stop? Why do you feel this way? Do you feel like you need a rest, or got stuck there? Or, are you afraid to leave there? Are you happy with the road you find yourself on today? If not, why not? How can you find the right road for you? What road would you like to find yourself on? What steps can you take today to get yourself closer to that road? Each and every day there are many roads in front of us, with many exits and rest stops, take the road that feels most authentic to you, even if it’s the more difficult, if it is where you are meant to be, that road will become less treacherous, and you may just find yourself on the expressway.
We typically are quick to point out our weaknesses, whether to others, or within ourselves. We can often fixate on those perceived weaknesses giving them more weight than our strengths and positive attributes. But often, those “weaknesses” are our strengths, we may just be overusing them.
When I look back to my life before walking this path, I often fixated on things to the point of obsession. Those things I obsessed about easily turned into dysfunction or behaviors that could easily become harmful. But when I started to get well I was asked to write down all the things I perceived as wrong, or the things I thought made me weak, now, I would have never described myself as weak, and still wouldn’t, but I certainly thought I had weaknesses and shortcomings. One of the things that was first on my list was my stubbornness.
I knew my stubbornness had been my downfall many times in the past, and, had kept me sick to the point of almost no return. My stubbornness along with my pride and ego, had to be redirected if I was going to get well. I thought to myself, if I could use my stubbornness for bad I can certainly turn that around and use it for good. I worked on using that same stubbornness to fight for my life and my health, and I reserved my pride for the milestones I reached in my recovery, the ego, well, that had to be sidelined, as it always seemed to get in the way of my best self and making the next right decision, but I learned to let go and trust the path I was on, and learned to sprinkle my stubbornness and pride with some humility to keep them right-sized as I set out on my path of well-being. There were other lessons I learned along the way, my impatience with myself was an overuse of my drive and ambition, both attributes could be strengths, and are in my life today, but an overuse of them leads me to be short of temper and impatient with those I see as standing in my way or slowing me down. I still struggle with that one today at times. But there were many examples in my life, that when I looked at my weakness list and really got honest about the root of where they came from, most of them did come from strengths I had, I had just supercharged them so much they turned into weaknesses.
It’s about letting go a little, not trying to force the outcome we want and trusting that we are where we are meant to be in that moment, even if it’s uncomfortable, it may be just where we should be to learn what we need to learn. Trust. Learning to trust. And learning to focus on our strengths, those positive parts of us that make us unique, or successful, or shine bright, learning to love all the parts of us that make us us. And finding a way to turn those weaknesses back into the strengths they were born from, so that we can be the people we were meant to be before we got lost in who we thought we were not. It’s also about allowing ourselves to continually become who we are, to remain teachable and open to new ideas, and give ourselves as much time as we need to find our path.
Look at your weaknesses today and see if they may just be an overuse of your strengths. Then ease off and let those overused weaknesses slide back to the strengths column. You have more strengths than weaknesses, you’ve gotten this far, but just think how much further you may go with more strengths working for you instead of against you. SLAY on!
SLAY OF THE DAY: Do tend to focus on your perceived weaknesses? What do you think they are? What don’t you like about them? Can you identify what strengths they may be? For each weakness, write down the opposite attribute. Do you recognize those opposite attributes in you? Do you see a connection between what you see as weaknesses and the positive attribute is? How many connections can you make between your weaknesses and your strengths? How can you work on redirecting those weaknesses back into strengths? Many times what we think are our greatest weaknesses are an overuse of our greatest strengths, it’s all in how we choose to look at them.
Everyone, at times, goes through periods where it’s hard to see the positive in our lives, maybe that lasts for only a few hours, a few days, or perhaps a few years, or more. I know, for myself, there were many years that I only saw the negative, and even when positive things did happen, I would find something negative to wrap it up in.
I was listening to someone share their story the other morning, a story that was much like mine, and she was talking about a time in her life when she couldn’t find the good. She had said that someone had suggested to her to count the green lights on her way home. She said she did, and when we got home she called that friend and said, “six, there were six green lights,” and she noticed when she said that she had a smile on her face. She had, even just for that moment, found something positive. I will put that one in my tool box for a day when I may need to count the green lights on my way home.
My life today is much more positive than negative, but my mind always looks for the negative. It will try to ruin any good day with fixating on things to bring some darkness to an otherwise great day, and if my guard is down, that darkness may just cloud over the brightness of that day. My disease is also very cunning, and as much as I’ve learned over the 13 plus years about myself and my disease, so has my disease, so it’s always looking for ways to work around that hard work I’ve put into living a happy and healthy life, something as simple as looking for green lights can turn that around.
It’s about focusing on the good. We, if we take our power back, can change our thinking, or mood, by what we choose to look at, surround ourselves with or engage in, sometimes it may just be a moment of relief, but it’s there for the taking if we take it, but the more we choose to take it, or the more we try, the easier it becomes to look and find the good, and the more we do that, the more the bad doesn’t feel good anymore. It’s also about believing we deserve the good. And we do. We all do. We have to believe we should have and do have good in our lives and we need to actively seek out positive things. Trust me, they’re there. The fact that you’re reading this right now is positive.
As I write this and think about the green lights in my life, I realize that I have always appreciated those green lights, and when I hit a string of them, it does always make me smile, but it’s also not attaching negative feelings to a red light, because we can look at those as a gift as well, a moment to exhale, to pause, before we restart our journey. I do still really love the green over the red though. But it’s about looking for the good in everything. Nothing happens to us without there being a reason, we may label it good or bad, but there is always something to take away from every event, experience or relationship, we learn, we grow, we are challenged to rise to the occasion. Nothing changes in our comfort zone, so when those difficult challenges come our way, they may have been sent to us to get us to change, to reach out or move forward because we’ve stayed somewhere too long.
Life can get difficult at times, especially during periods of change, but if we look for the green lights, the positive things in life, we start to see more of the good we have in our lives. Next time your out, count the green lights on our journey. SLAY on!
SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you typically look for the negative or positive in your life? If you find yourself in a negative place, how do you look for the positive? How do you find your way out of the negative? What happens if you don’t? What do you typically find as the reason for those negative times? What can you do moving forward to change that? When are minds get dark, that is the time to actively look for the light, it is always there if we look for it, and we no longer attach ourselves to the darkness of our past. Focus on a positive future.
