change

Happy Where You Are

When I was living in the darkness I thought I needed certain things to be happy. I had a list, and because I hadn’t obtained everything on that list I felt justified in my unhappiness. I used that list as an excuse to sit in my anger and depression and felt entitled to have the things I thought were going to make me happy, feeling like not having them was a denial from life to have the life I thought I should have. What I didn’t see was that I had always held the key to my own happiness, and, it had nothing to do with those things on that list.

In the past happiness had always meant, career, people, places and things. But those things were empty without self-love and peace in my heart. No matter how much stuff I could accumulate, or what prestige I could garner from my career or chosen partner, I always felt empty and alone, and, many times expected whatever I had to be taken away. It wasn’t until stepping on this path that I started to realize that none of those things were going to give me the happiness that I had to find in myself, but, how was I going to find that happiness when I had spent my life chasing the wrong things? I leaned on those I saw who had found that happiness. I had been advised to find people who had what I wanted, and I don’t mean to take it, or pretend to be like them, but to align myself with those people who had found what I was looking for and ask them how they had done it. Joining a support group helped me to expand this new circle of friends who were seeking what I was, or had found it, and it allowed me to follow by example to find that happiness for myself.

I had to break everything down and start all over. It seemed daunting at first, but I was encouraged to only do what I could each day. So I started to build from the foundation up, knowing that the foundation was the most important part, I did not try to rush the process, but allowed myself to listen, grow and learn who I was and what was truly going to fill my heart with love. It turns out it wasn’t people, places, things, or my career, sure, I enjoyed those things and worked hard, but without any of them I had to find my own happiness from the inside. I started with loving acts toward myself, focusing on my gratitude each day and what I liked about myself, to start that list was very small, sometimes only one word, but it grew over time as my love for myself grew. I started to say yes to things, trying new things with new people, and I began to feel connected like I had never felt before. Also, by being accountable for my actions I noticed my self-esteem was getting stronger, and, I started to like myself. The more I practiced showing myself love and practicing self-care the more that that like turned to love, something I didn’t think was possible. At the beginning of my journey I was physically not able to say I love you out loud when looking at myself in the mirror, and now all of my acts were based in the newfound love I had found for myself.

Today I still don’t have all of those things that used to be on my list that I thought I needed to be happy, some of them have appeared, but I realize that I never needed those things to find happiness, happiness is something I found and created in myself and no matter where I am I can take that with me. My life today is very full, and full of love, and there isn’t a list that is contingent on my happiness, I’m happy right where I am, I share this to show you that it’s possible, you too can find that place for yourself, or realize you’re already there, just search for it inside your heart. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you have a list that you believe is the key to your happiness? What is on that list? Why do you believe that those items on your list can make you happy. Have any of those things truly made you happy on their own when you don’t feel happy where you are? What can you do today that shows yourself that you are loved? What are you grateful for in your life today? What do you like or love about yourself? Of those things you might not like or love, how can you find some kindness and love toward yourself and those things? What can you do today to show yourself love? Get on the self-love way of living, find others who are doing the same and support and encourage one another. When you surround yourself with love it is easier to see the love in yourself, and, you may just find some happiness right where you are.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! It takes time to get familiar with new thoughts and situations, don’t let it stop you from changing.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then… SLAY on!

State Of Slay Little Steps

Even Though You Might Not See It, Things Are Changing

I was speaking with a friend yesterday who has been going through a difficult time as she recovers from a trauma. She felt discouraged at her progress, and didn’t feel like she was moving forward fast enough. She had been feeling disconnected from her friends and family and had been afraid to leave her house. I was grateful that we had made a plan to meet up and she was able to join in on a group discussion with friends.

I related a lot to how she is feeling. When I started my journey in recovery I started out feeling great, like a weight had been lifted off of me, just admitting I had a problem and making a commitment to seek treatment for that problem set me off on a high I hadn’t ever felt. I rode that high for a while until one day I fell flat. I was told it was common for this to happen, and then there it was, happening to me. I felt let down, scared and confused. I was working so hard to better myself and get well, so why did I feel this way?

For me, one reason why is that I had taken away all of the crutches I had used in the past to get through the day. I couldn’t rely on any of things that I had and felt like I was standing out, exposed and alone with an empty tool box, not sure how to navigate through these new waters, but I knew I had to hang in there and learn new ways, healthier ways, to deal with this new life, and my fears and insecurities. And as time went on I did learn new ways, and I started to fill up my tool box with better tools. I started to live this new way of life and feeling good about it, and then, that’s when the anger set in. At first it confused me. Why was I feeling angry when I was doing so many things that were good for me, and was making progress in leaving my old destructive habits behind? Well, the truth was, and it took me a while back then to realize it, is that now that I had taken all the distractions away I was now left with the actual problems, not just the ways I used to hide or cope with them, those issues were much bigger than what I thought the problem was. It was during this time I had to dig deep into what I had already learned and lean into the support around me, things had gotten really real.

I remember feeling like my friend yesterday, feeling like the pain was insurmountable, that it was never going to go away and that it was taking too long to work through. There were many days I felt defeated, or that there may be no hope, but I was encouraged to keep going, that the change was happening, I just wasn’t seeing it yet.

You can’t put at timeline on change. Especially when it comes to those deep rooted traumas we may have suffered. It will take the time it does to get through it, and, it may be a lifelong journey to walk through it with grace. For me, the toughest parts have past, but there are days when it flairs back up again and slaps me in the face. Old wounds are like onions, they have many layers, and I now know to expect that there will be times, and typically unexpected ones, where another layer will peel away to reveal another piece of the trauma that I will need to deal with. But having the ability to look back at where I started, much has changed, and most of that anger and resentment has been long gone because of the work I did early in my recovery. We tend to see the change in ourselves last, everyone else has a clearer sense of where we are because we are living it, and are hoping and expecting it to dissipate at a speed of our choosing, but it will when we are ready and when the work has been done.

As I said to my friend yesterday, find some comfortableness in your uncomfortablenss, an impossible sounding task I know, but when I was able to find some comfort in that place my journey to the other side it became easier, less tortured, it was still difficult, but I found some acceptance there until I was able to reach the other side.

When you’re doing the work to better yourself and to get well, there are changes every day, some may be smaller than others, but they’re there, and even if they’re all small, when they’re added up, they make some pretty big changes. Trust the path you are on, and keep moving forward, even if it’s only an inch at a time, one day you’ll look back and see just how far you’ve come. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Are you going through a difficult time? How so? What are you working on or through? What have you been doing to work through it? Looking back at where you started, what has changed? What would you like to see change? How can you go about achieving that change? If you don’t know, who can you go to to assist you in this change? You are capable of anything, as long as you continue to move forward, to work as hard as you can and as honestly as you can each day, knowing that the days will ebb and flow, some days will be easier than others, but if you keep going, and trusting you are where you are for a reason, you will find some peace on the other side. I speak from experience, and I am here in that place waiting for you.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Make sure you’re putting your energy in the right places.

New blog goes up Friday, until then…. SLAY on!

State Of Slay Pinky Time And Energy

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Rejection is nothing more than direction, make it work for you!

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Rejection

Learning To Accept Rejection

Rejection used to devastate me. I would let it destroy my day, my relationships and my spirit. I gave rejection the power to validate me and value my place in this world. And I let it hurt me, and, at times, invited it to.  Sometimes, I sought it out to hurt myself, to continue telling the narrative that I was a bad person who didn’t deserve good things. It was a constant internal battle, of me striving to reach goals and maintain healthy relationships in my life and me, subconsciously, wanting to tear it all down. I had to learn to accept rejection, and, learn not to use it as a personal weapon of assault.

When I was living in the dark, I constantly fought to find some light. I would muster any kind of postivity and hope I could, but there was always an underlying layer of doubt that would block me from ever fully believing I could attain what it was I was looking or working for. I also believed back then that rejection was the universe telling me I wasn’t good enough or didn’t deserve what it was I wanted, and I let that belief continue to push me down into depression and despair. As I began to take the road of recovery and started to get better, I realized that rejection is nothing more than a change in direction. Sometimes it is there to save us from heading somewhere we shouldn’t be, or from a situation that may be harmful to us. It’s not always easy for us to see what rejection may be saving us from, but there have been many times, when I’ve looked back, where I was able to see how it had, and so in times that I may feel hurt or angry over not getting what I had wanted, I can lean on the faith that I have that I am being directed in the right direction and that that rejection was just that, a redirection, it wasn’t there to tell me I wasn’t good enough to have succeeded or have gotten what I wanted, but that I may have been looking in the wrong place. That negative chatter in our heads will always try to convince us otherwise, but it has ulterior motives, to keep us down. When we make a conscious effort to change our thinking, we can learn to look at rejection as something that may actually be helping us, showing us the way, teaching us, or letting us know where we need to improve or work a little harder, none of that is bad, if we choose to look at it as a tool to help us. I previously wrote a blog called, The Universe Is On Your Side, where I talk about living life as if it’s rigged in your favor, now I realize it doesn’t always seem that way, but when we choose to look at life’s rejections as guidance, we may be able to see how things aren’t as stacked up against us we think, or have been lead to believe.

Look for opportunities to make the rejections in your life tools to help you and show you the way. Don’t listen to that negative self-talk that tells you you’re not good enough or don’t deserve what you’re wanting and working for, counter that talk with some constructive chatter that allows you to look for another opportunity or place where you can share the best of what you’ve got, also allowing those moments to teach you and encourage you to learn and continue to improve in areas that will help to get you to where you want to go. Rejection, in many cases, may be a blessing, as they may be saving you from an even worse situation, or a place you are not meant to be in. Trust that the rejection in your life is there for a reason, and use that opportunity to explore where you should be going next. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you let rejection get you down? Do you expect rejection in your life? If yes, why? When has rejection, looking back, actually saved you from something? What was that? How has it helped you to grow or learn? Has it pushed you to work harder or improve areas in your life? How? Do you see how rejection may be there to show you where to go and not go? Do you see how it can be, in many cases, a positive thing? How has it been positive in your life? Allowing ourselves to get beaten down by rejection is just a form of self-harm, allowing those negative places within us to take over and pull us into the darkness, take your power back and refuse to believe that place within us that feeds off negativity, allow the light to come in and choose to let rejection be a positive influence in your life, guiding you to where you are meant to be and allowing you to work to be your best self.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! The first step to getting what you want is getting rid of what you don’t.

New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Beautiful

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! The only person you are required to change for is yourself, a powerful act of self-love.

New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Stopped Explaining

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! The most dangerous thinking is, I’ve always done it this way.

SLAY on!

State Of Slay Become Remain

If You’re Not Changing You’re Choosing

I would not have liked that statement at all when I was living in the dark. I always pegged myself as a victim of life and circumstances, I never took responsibility for my own decisions or part in where I found myself. I did want change, but I never took action to make it happen, or if I did, I would start, experience a set back and then give up saying there was no hope. I lived life like life owed me, but it was me, who owed it to myself to make the changes to have the life I wanted to live. Living in the headspace I was, I didn’t even know if what I wanted was realistic, I just knew I couldn’t keep living the way I was, and that time was running out.

In the end, I did make a choice, I had to make a choice out of self-preservation, but a choice was made to get well. I realized as I traveled the path to my recovery that I had made the same choices for years and years, expecting different results each time, instead of changing my behavior, and by doing so I had made the choice to stay sick, to not get help, to keep living in the dark even though it kept getting darker. My head told me I had no choice, this was it, and it was only going to get worse instead of better, but that was a lie. It took me almost making a choice I could not take back to realize I had other choices. Choices that could bring to the places I wanted to go, choices that were healthy and would bring about the changes I thought were out of reach.

We all have much more power than we may realize on any given day. Even though we can’t control people, places and things, we can control, or be in charge, of our reactions to them. We should be constantly changing and growing, that’s what this journey is about, to learn, discover, to challenge ourselves, so if we’re not changing we’re choosing to stay where we are, and even, right now, if that is a place you feel comfortable, you’re still not meant to stay there forever. I always say, if I’m too comfortable somewhere I’m probably meant to move on, or look for how I can challenge myself to fine-tune or do better in an area that I may just be getting by. It’s not necessarily about leaving everything, and everyone behind, but finding those areas to improve upon. I, now, get a little rush of excitement when I challenge myself, and I feel that uncomfortableness underfoot because I’ve stepped out of my comfort zone, it’s then that I know I’m where I’m supposed to be.

We are not victims of life, if we are not changing, adapting, growing, we are choosing to stay where we are, just as we are. The good news is, if we don’t like something, we can change it, and we may not get to the exact place we imagine, or would like, but just the act of making the change will bring us to where we are supposed to be, or where we are supposed to be next. Take the action or choose to stay stuck, it’s your choice. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you find that you get too comfortable where you are and don’t make changes to grow, learn or move on? What keeps you where you are? Are you where you’d like to be? If not, how can you take action to start moving in the right direction? Do you feel like you have no choice? You do SLAYER, if even it’s just making small steps to start, that movement and action will lead you to where you are supposed to be headed, just take the next indicated right action, or the one you think is right. Allow yourself to make mistakes, those are part of the process, and trust the path you are on. Don’t let life tell you you don’t have choices, you do, you always do, they may not always be exactly what you want, but they may get you there. Do what’s right for you and keep looking for your chances to change.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you