Self Help

Look At Rejection As Redirection

It’s easy to feel defeated by what we feel is rejection. We get our hopes up, have expectations, and may have worked hard to reach a specific goal, only to have the door slammed in the face of our dreams. I used to let those rejections get me down, I would let that negative bullshit committee get loud in my head telling me I wasn’t good enough, or that I didn’t deserve good things. It fed into the narrative of me being a loser, so as much as I wanted to succeed, that part of me that was sick, relished in the defeat so it could keep me down, or, push me down even more.

Looking back, there were many times when those perceived rejections were actually a blessing. Either I wasn’t ready for what I was aiming for, I was saved from a bad situation, or, I wasn’t meant to go down that path because something else was waiting for me. As I’ve said before, we know only a little, we only know our part, and not what the big picture is, so what may seem like the right path to us is really only based on the little information we have, our perception of that information, and what our will is propelling us to do. All of that, can steer us in the wrong direction. I’m a big believer that there is a plan for all of us, that we’re all here to do certain things, learn certain things, and take certain action to fulfill the lessons and life we are meant to. We don’t know what that is, but I do believe it is what our “gut” guides us to, those moments of intuition or feelings that send us off into a specific directions. But, because there are so many other factors that can throw us off course, distract us, or perhaps our ego may start to run the show, what should be a straight line often gets broken up into some curvy twists and turns. I know in my life, when I’ve gotten way off track, there has always been something to knock me back on the right path again, so when something doesn’t go my way, I take notice. Sure, it can be disappointing, and trust me, I’ve had plenty of disappointments in my life, but I do trust that those opportunities weren’t meant for me, or, weren’t meant for me at that time. Timing is everything, and much of what we struggle with is trying to make something happen in our own time, instead of waiting for something to organically unfold when it is meant to. And that doesn’t mean sitting around just waiting for things to happen, we have to take action, with the all the information we have in front of us, but it’s also about being open to what else is out there, looking for the signs, the opportunities, the roads we haven’t traveled on, because we may be meant to be on those roads rather than the one we’ve stubbornly stayed on.

Nothing happens by accident, even accidents, everything serves a purpose, and it may take a lifetime to figure that out in some cases, but when we look at a so-called rejection as just information, and look where that rejection may lead us, it may just be nudging us in the direction we’re meant to be heading. The end may be the same as what we had been working towards, but maybe we’re meant to take a different route, maybe there is something to learn there that we need on our journey, something we wouldn’t learn otherwise. So when things don’t go your way don’t retreat, look for other avenues, other roads to travel on, try a new approach, or perhaps with someone new, see what you can learn from the rejection and look to see where else that can lead you. You never know, that big disappointment may just lead you to your biggest accomplishment yet, but at the very least, it can lead you to an open mind and on open heart, and a life that is meant to be, not one you are chasing because you think it’s supposed to look a certain way. Trust the signs, learn from the struggles, and go where the path leads you. SLAY on.

SLAY OF THE DAY: When something doesn’t go your way do you let that defeat you? Why? Can you think of a time something didn’t go your way and as a result you discovered something new? What was that? Can you think of a time when you didn’t get what you wanted and found out later it would have been a bad situation? When you find yourself rejected, how can you turn that around into something positive for yourself? Look back at your life SLAYER, at all the times you’ve been redirected in your life, trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be right now, even if that’s a tough place, know that there is something to be learned there, and once you do, you will move on. Take each defeat as new information, and learn to use that information to find your path, the signs are all around you, you just have to be open to things looking differently than what you might have imagined, but your path is there, if your open to finding it.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Always speak your truth, even if your voice shakes.

New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Lie

Our White Lies Don’t Protect Us, They Damage Us

I used to tell little white lies, and some big ones too, and tell myself I was telling them to make things easier, to not hurt someone’s feelings, or to protect myself from someone else, but all I was really doing was looking for an excuse not to tell the truth, and by not telling the truth I was not only damaging those relationships, but I was damaging myself. I was also living a life that was not based in truth. My life, then, was based in fear. Fear of missing out, fear of loosing what I had, fear that you wouldn’t like me, fear I wouldn’t get what I wanted, fear I wasn’t good enough, fear of…well, fear. So when a life is ruled by fear, the truth, is not the first thing that comes to mind. My life was built on so many half-truths, or white lies, that it constantly felt like a house of cards that was about to tumble to the ground at any moment. That feeling, that life I built for myself, kept me in a steady state of manipulating the truth. I twisted the facts to suit my needs, to tell the story I wanted to tell, one that always favored me, because in my mind, the chips were stacked against me, so why shouldn’t I try to level the playing field? What this thinking, and this way of life got me, was more and more fear. To the point where I couldn’t keep track of all the lies anymore so I retreated and hide by myself, alone in the darkness.

When I stepped on this path, this path of light, this path, had no room for lies, only the truth. That scared me. But I had lived so long not telling the truth, a path that led nearly lead me to my death, that I knew it was time to start telling the truth. As terrified as I was, I knew, my life depended on it. I started with the friends and family who meant the most to me, I just let it all out. Shared my truth. I wasn’t worried about what they would think of me, I just knew I had stop hiding, so I jumped in, full throttle. The response was positive, supportive, and that felt good, but I knew I had to keep going. I had to make this my new way of life if it was going to work, going to stick, and if I was going to continue to heal, continue to grow.

When we tell white lies it chips away at our self-respect, we tell ourselves that our truth isn’t good enough, and that we are not good enough. And if we can’t be truthful about ourselves we start to suspect others are doing the same, believing that they are lying to us, or trying to manipulate us, as we are to them. It’s a vicious cycle. And one that doesn’t end unless we stop and start telling the truth. If we can’t trust ourselves and our truth, how can we trust anyone else? That trust, that truth, starts with us. In fact, it’s all we really do have control over, we don’t really know truly what someone else’s truth is, but we control how we share ours, that we share ours, and so no matter what happens, we know we’ve been truthful and that we have nothing to hide, and when we find that place of truth for ourselves, we find self-respect, we find self-love, we find self-worth. We also find our relationships get stronger, and those that don’t, were perhaps, weren’t built on truth in the first place, but the real relationships, those lasting relationships we all desire, those, those get stronger.

I’ve learned on my journey that telling the truth really is much easier. Even during those times when I think it will be hard, I’ve always found that when I share the truth, or my truth, most times, it’s received far better than what I had anticipated, and if it isn’t received well, that’s some useful information to have. Most people prefer us to be honest with them, certainly anyone in my life surely does, and I them, so start to practice being honest in your life, even those little white lies we think can’t hurt anyone, hurt us most of all, but chipping away at who we are and what we stand for. Always stand tall and tell your truth, you never know, one day, your life might depend on it.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you find yourself telling little white lies? Why do you think you do this? What’s the last one you told? Why did you tell it instead of the truth? How do you think it helped you? How do you think it hurt you? Do you think the person you told it to would be upset if they found out? Would you be upset if you found out someone had told the same lie to you? Are you in fear of being found out? When you tell a lie how does that make you feel? How does it make you feel to tell the truth? I challenge you SLAYER, to tell the truth this week, to walk through your fear of being honest and see how that changes you, how that makes you feel. Be you. And, SLAY on!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Your past does not determine who you are, your past prepares you for who are you to become.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Shape Your Future

Your Past Does Not Define You

Well, unless you let it. Many of us have come from difficult, troubled, or tragic places, sometimes beyond our control, it’s easy to get labeled, or label ourselves as victims, or as those people from our past, but that’s not who we are.

I used to dwell on the past, use it as an excuse to for bad behavior, for not treating myself well, for doing self-destructive things, to me, and those around me. I told myself that it didn’t matter, that I was a bad person, and that I was entitled to it because of my past, I was wrong. Perpetuating that story or narrative only got me deeper into the darkness, and yes, there are times in our lives, or circumstances, that are beyond our control, but as an adult we at some point need to take responsibility for who we are and how we’re living our lives, and not use those things as a crutch to behave badly or to not do better for ourselves. We as adults have the power to change our stories, or to start new ones. To say that the past is the past and let it go, or move forward. Some things are easier than others to let go, but nothing is impossible. There may be circumstances that change us forever, but we then get to decide who we are in that new normal, and how we can make a difference, to ourselves, or others. I found a way to take seemingly negative events in my life and use them to connect with others, to share, to offer hope, those things, the past, now has positive purpose in my life, and because of that, all of that darkness is now surrounded by light.

No one gets to tell us who we are, or should be. Only we get to decide. And if someone is only willing to see us the way we were, or in a certain light that is not true to who we are today, then perhaps we need to let them go. It is also up to us who we share our lives with, and as we learn and try to live in the light it’s important to share our lives with those also doing the same, or, at least trying.

Using your past to hide is like continuing the abuse, the bad behavior, or reliving the difficult circumstance over and over again, only you are the one who’s doing it to yourself. To me, that makes it worse. It’s up to us to break the pattern, it’s up to us to say that’s not who we are, and it’s up to us to rise above and not let that define us. There may be residual effects from our past that we need to deal with in our day to day lives today, but we deal with them, we take them in stride, and not let them stop us from moving on, from living the life we want for ourselves today, from succeeding where we once may have failed. Everyone has obstacles to overcome, some more than others, but finding a way to work through them, work around them, or, incorporate them into the life we want is what sets us apart from those who stay stuck and never reach their full potential.

Let the past go, talk about it, work through it, tell yourself that you are not what has happened to you, or even what you may have done to yourself, not if you change that behavior today, and when you are able to do that there is no shame in where you’ve come from, because you are no longer that person, you are better, stronger, brighter, you are who you are truly meant to be, and to get there, it takes some falls, some lessons, and some forgiveness. Let go of what no longer serves you, look for opportunities to turn your past into a positive path for you to walk today, one that allows you to be your best self and allows you to let go of what no longer serves you. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you let your past define you? Do others label you based on your past? How does that make you feel? Or, are you the one who labels yourself? Why? How does that help you? How does that hurt you? What can you do today to overcome your past? Who in your life can help you do that? Who supports you in this effort? Who do you admire for rising above their past? What can you learn from them? What can you apply to your own life to do the same? SLAYER, we all have the opportunity to let go, make peace, or re-purpose those parts of our past that are not who we are today, so don’t let anyone, or yourself, hold you back from being your best you.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Old ways won’t open new doors. The doors we decide to open and close each day, determine the life we lead.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Meant To Be

You Found Your Way Out Of The Darkness. So Now What?

This one was actually a special request, but funny enough I was just talking about this topic yesterday with a dear friend who lost his spouse a year and a half go and was feeling lost. I know for me, when I hit my bottom and finally reached for help I was faced with the realization that I had no idea who I really was. I had never asked myself who I was, and what I liked, I spent most of my time pretending to be who I thought you wanted me to be, and I got so good at it, the real me got lost in all the pretending and I had no clue the real me was. With the prospect of starting from scratch and learning about myself I got scared. It seemed daunting. I had to strip away all the characters I had been playing and I was left just with myself, but that felt like a big gray void. I knew I couldn’t let myself get anxious over starting over, so I tried to look at it as an adventure, or a mystery that I was going to solve, and that first started with making a commitment to say yes to everything, to try new things, with new people, and see what I enjoyed and who I enjoyed doing it with. As scary as that seemed, from a woman who had led a very controlled life, what I was leaving behind was far scarier, so I just jumped in. If someone called and asked me to do something I said yes, if there was a position to volunteer for and I was available, I said yes, if someone I didn’t know well asked me to coffee, I said yes, and so on, and with each yes I learned more about myself. I also made a list of things that sounded interesting to me, that I had never tried, and I set out to do all of the things on that list, and, if I could, invite someone else to do them along with me.

As time went on I discovered what I liked and didn’t like, and I made some new friends. Those people who I didn’t pursue a friendship with also taught me about myself. If I didn’t particularly care for someone I would ask myself why, I would also ask myself if that reason was because I recognized something in them that I didn’t like in myself, and from those experiences I was able to put together a cheat sheet of what I look for in a friend, as well as the knowledge of what I am good at within in a friendship and what I needed to work on. The mystery started getting less mysterious and I started to collect some cold hard facts about myself. Over time I was able to build a new me, and authentic me, one that I made no apologies for, and one that did feel familiar to me, but also new, and better. I also, through learning how to be my authentic self, was able to strengthen friendships and make new ones that were more in line with my new way of living, ones that were formed out of mutual respect and love, and ones that weren’t one-sided. I was finding a way to live a healthier happier life.

Today I still try to say yes to new things, and with new people, because today I know that those situations have come up for a reason, so I take the chance and dive in. I have a much better sense of who I am today because of saying yes and taking the time to learn from those experiences, I also learned to give myself the gift of time and patience, because the journey of self-discovery is one that you can’t put a time limit on, in fact, if you allow it, you never really stop, but give yourself some time, let your growth happen as it is meant to, don’t try to rush it or shape it into what you think it should be, let it grow into what it is supposed to be. If you’ve just found your way out of the darkness congratulations, you’re about to start the most exciting journey of your life, the journey of you. Go explore. Go find you. Go SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you find you get anxious at the prospect of what comes next? What scares you? What if you made the choice to look at it as someone exciting? Something of an adventure. Do you have a hard time saying yes to new things? Why? What are you afraid of? What was the last time you said yes to something new? What was the result? What it a positive experience? If not, what did you learn from it? Do you see that even if it wasn’t something you liked you can still view it as positive because you learned something about yourself? What can you do this week to make an effort to try something new, or spend time with someone new? Do it SLAYER, go find your authentic you, no one else can do it for you.

   S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Self-love is a choice.

New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Say It

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Talk to yourself like you’re talking to someone you love.

SLAY on!
State Of Slay Reality

How You Talk To Yourself Matters

Would you allow anyone else to talk to you the way you talk to yourself? If the answer is no, your self-talk needs to change. The way we talk to ourselves directly affects every aspect of our lives. Our relationships, our success in business, our own personal development. As a reformed negative self-talker I can tell you, tearing yourself down, or apart, will only keep you down, or help you to slide further down into the darkness.

From as far back as I can remember I always talked down to myself. I always felt different, less than, awkward in social situations, I hated school and always felt uncomfortable, so when I didn’t reach my own expectations, which I often set at a level that was unattainable, I would tear myself apart for not being good enough. That behavior didn’t change as I got older, and the more time I put into speaking to myself in a negative way the more I believed it as truth. I also, sometimes unconsciously, would set myself up to fail to continue that narrative. I would viciously attack myself in away that no one else could, because, I wouldn’t let them. So, why did I allow myself?

It all goes back to self-love. Oh yeah SLAYERS, we’ve doubled-back to that again, that’s not going away, but, that really is the negative self-talk antidote. My negative self-talk nearly cost me my life, so it was imperative for me to learn how to talk to myself in a more loving way. They’ve done studies, with plants, where they’ve put a label that says love on one plant and hate on the other.  Loving words are said to the plant with the love label on it and say negative things to the other. They are watered just the same, but the plant with the hate label eventually dies while the love plant flourishes. It’s not any different with people. The more we tear ourselves down the more we die inside, and the more we speak to ourselves in a loving way, the more we flourish. No one is perfect, no one gets it right all the time, so why do you expect yourself to? We learn when we fail, we learn the most when we fail, that’s all part of the journey, so why not love yourself through that journey? If someone you cared about failed, would you berate them or cheer them on? You’d cheer them on, so why not do the same for yourself? In fact, we should cheer even louder when we fail, we should cheer that we tried, we should cheer that we keep trying, we should cheer because we should always cheer for ourselves. When I fail, or don’t meet an expectation I had, now, I counter that with saying something loving to myself, something I do like about myself, something I am grateful for. I practice some contrary action, which I’ve talked about before, so, even if some negative thoughts creep into my head, I change my thinking to something positive. It works. I also practice that when someone else upsets me, to move past it and not dwell in the act, I try to find something I like about that person and from that place, can usually find some compassion for them so I don’t sit in a resentment, something I can’t afford to do.

No one should be a bigger cheerleader for ourselves than ourselves. And we can be by practicing self-love. Life is hard enough without us being hard on ourselves, so give yourself a break and break out some encouragement and care when it comes to the words you choose to use on yourself. Next time you find yourself saying negative things, stop, and say something positive, something you would want someone to say to you, or, you would say to a someone you care about deeply, those are the words you should be saying and you can, it just takes the effort to stop the negative and turn it around into something positive. I know you can do it SLAYER, in fact, I’m positive you can.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you talk negatively to yourself? What do you say? Why do you say it? How do you think it helps you? How do you think it hurts you? Looking at your last answer, why do you make the choice to hurt yourself? Would you let anyone else speak to yourself this way? So why do you allow yourself? We believe what we say, so why not say positive things and lift yourself up rather than tear yourself down. Say those things to yourself that you would want to hear, and if you need a cheat sheet, write down 5 things you like about yourself on a piece of paper, fold it up and put it in your wallet, and the next time you start to say negative things to yourself, take out that list, and read it out loud to yourself, until you start to believe them. It’s time to stop the negative self-talk and start some positive self-love. SLAY on!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you