Good morning SLAYER! Make sure you’re in the right story, one that let’s you be your best you, not the one you want tell yourself, or the one others tell you. Who’s story are you in?
New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!
Author: Carrie Genzel
Are You Killing Yourself To Live?
Sometimes we stay somewhere that feels safe even though it’s killing us. Sometimes we go after a job, a relationship, a situation that we feel we want, need, deserve, but we don’t belong there, and the pursuit of it is killing us. Sometimes we believe if we don’t get something or can’t maintain something we will die, but it’s the forcing of our will or the story we tell ourselves that we don’t deserve more than we have, or things have to look a certain way, that slowly kills us inside.
Life shows us where we’re supposed to be, what we can attain and who we can attain it with. We don’t always listen, out of fear, or not believing it to be true, but the signs are always there. When we’re in a situation that does not serve us there will be many signs that we should get out, people in our lives may even tell us to get out. Many times we make excuses and may stay telling ourselves we’re better off where we are, maybe even safer there, but the truth is, if it is not where we are meant to be, if we’re not reaching our full potential, we will slowly die there. Our soul will atrophy, and we will never see and feel the things we are meant to. I find this so sad, and yet, for most of my life I was slowly killing myself to live in the shadows, to be invisible, and as I lived there, I slowly slipped away and was killing myself in the process. I did realize that at the time, and I welcomed it. I wanted to disappear from the place I was, it had become too painful to live there and to complicated to numb myself enough to make it OK. I stayed out of fear, out of shame, ego, and from self-hatred, not believing, truly, that I deserved better. I was lucky that someone came into my life and showed me that it was possible to have more than I did, and that I did deserve better, and then the work began for me to believe it myself and go get it.
Why do we stay? Why do we try to force situations that don’t feed our soul, that don’t nourish us, encourage us, inspire us? Why do we tell ourselves it’s OK? It’s not. The price is too high to pay if something is killing you to stay there, killing any part of you, there is always a way out, another option if you look for it, if you’re open to it, if you allow yourself to look outside of where you are. We have the power to change our story, our situation, even a little, to make it better for us, to change the direction of where we are headed, or where we should be. Sometimes the greatest gift we can give ourselves is to pause and ask ourselves if we’re happy. If we’re living up to our potential. If where we are is true to who we are? And if it’s not, asking ourselves what we can do today to make a positive change in that situation, no matter how small, because that little crack through an open door, can sometimes let enough light in that you will find that door, and eventually, hopefully, kick it down, or at least turn the knob and walk through.
It’s time to get really honest with yourself SLAYER, it’s time to look at the place you stand, right now, and ask yourself if it’s killing you to be there, to stay there, or to get there? If it is, that price is too high to pay. Make the investment in you, in finding your place, what you love, where you need to be. All of those things you have dreamed of may be just within your reach, with a little work, trust and faith you are being led to them. Follow your heart, always, and get to work, your destiny is waiting for you.
SLAY OF THE DAY: Are you happy where you are today? If not, why not? How can you change your situation to become happier? To make it better for yourself? Do you try to force things to be a certain way because you think they should be that way? Is the fact that you are trying to force something to be a certain way killing you? Making you unhappy? Are there other options out there that may make you happier, even if they are different from what you think things should look like? What are they? What stops you from going after those things? Get quiet today SLAYER, ask yourself if you are truly happy where you are, if you’re not, ask yourself where you could be that will make you happy, and what step you can take today to get you there. It’s all within our reach with an open mind, open heart and the courage to walk through that fear to get what we truly want. SLAY on!
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you
Slay Say
Good morning SLAYER! You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it.
New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!
Tough vs. Strong
Before stepping on this path I used to think tough and strong were interchangeable. I thought they meant the same thing. I had been through a lot in my life and I considered myself tough. I wore that like a badge of honor, but what I didn’t realize that what I was so proud of was keeping me sick, keeping me isolated and contributing to my loneliness.
Being tough, for me, meant putting on my armor, keeping everyone out, and keeping my sickness in. Being tough wasn’t kind, it wasn’t compassionate, it was cold, it could be mean, and it fed into my disease, it gave it fuel to grow and spread, and it kept me ashamed enough to not tell anyone, and the longer I lived that way the sicker I got. And even as I was getting sicker, I thought I was getting tougher, but really it was just my disease that was getting tougher as it rapidly took over and I got lost inside of it. That tough exterior was hiding a soft interior, one of a sensitive girl who was hiding behind that armor, to survive, she thought, but was slowly succumbing to her disease. We tell ourselves stories, to survive, to walk through pain, and my perceived toughness was a story I told myself to make it better for myself, to make the way I was living my life easier to accept, to make excuses for it, and if I was to get better, I had to drop that toughness and get vulnerable. The prospect of that terrified me, but the thought of totally becoming consumed by the way I was living terrified me even more.
Getting vulnerable, I thought was a form of weakness, at the beginning, it was something that frightened me, as someone who had lived as a tough girl for most of her life. Letting that armor go and standing in my truth wasn’t easy. But as I did it, as I let each piece of that armor go, and stood tall, I found my strength. It took time, and a lot of work, but living in rigorous honesty helped me to build that strength, and in time living in and speaking my truth is what gave my strength, and still does. My vulnerability, and learning to be vulnerable, gave me strength, and still does, because I learned in my vulnerability that I was OK, just as I was, that I was not my past, and that I had the power to change my story, there was strength in that. Strength, to me, is owning who you are, of not caring what others might think if you share your truth, of standing up for what you believe in, and who you believe in, and not being afraid to love. My strength is loving, kind, compassionate, supportive, inclusive and open, it’s always changing and growing because I make sure I remain teachable, and allow new things and possibilities into my life, I find my strength in all of these things, as well as a relationship in something bigger myself, something I tap into for guidance, and, more strength. But for all of that to grow, I need to remain vulnerable. It is our vulnerability that gives us strength, it allows us to connect with others and to ourselves. It teaches us that we are enough and what we have can help others if we share our truth with them.
I am proud of my strength today, and don’t miss that old armor I used to wear and carried around. That armor never did protect me, it stopped me from becoming the strong woman I am today. SLAY on!
SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you consider yourself tough or strong? When you think of your toughness, what does that mean to you? Do you feel like it’s a good thing? Do you see how it could be hurting you? How do you feel about being vulnerable? Have you been vulnerable in the past? What was the result? How did you feel? Did you choose the right person or people to get vulnerable with? Do you see how letting yourself be vulnerable could gather strength? Can you write about a time you were vulnerable with someone you felt strong as a result? What does strength mean to you? Do you feel you are strong? How so? How did you get your strength? SLAYER, let go of the past, of your fears, and let yourself speak your truth, stand in your truth, don’t be afraid to be vulnerable, it just may be the strongest thing you do as you discover your own strength.
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you
Slay Say
Good morning SLAYER! You can close your eyes to things you don’t want to see, but you can’t close your heart to things you don’t want to feel.
New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!
Feeling Your Feelings
Before stepping on this path I never wanted to feel. Good, bad, anything. It hurt too much to feel the bad, and I didn’t think I deserved the good. So I looked for ways to stuff down my feelings, to quiet them, or if I could, numb them all together. I lived like that for the first 35 years of my life. When I think about all the things I was supposed to be feeling in those 35 years it makes me sad, because for the most part, I didn’t allow myself to feel any of it. I also didn’t share those feelings with anyone, so they just got stuffed down, feelings on top of feelings in a big heap I tried to bury as deep as I could. If anyone asked me how I was, I would always respond with, I’m fine, I wasn’t, and even that lie generated feelings I had to stuff down. The more I did it, the easier it got, but it always weighed me down as I dragged those unfelt feelings around with me and tried to pretend like they weren’t there.
When I made a commitment to get better I was also making a commitment to feel. That was scary. I had spent my whole life running away from my feelings, and now, having taken away everything I used to use to cover up my feelings I felt like I was standing alone completely vulnerable to a lifetime of pain that was coming at me like a giant tsunami and I wasn’t prepared. But what that taught me was how to get prepared. Making sure I had as many life rafts as possible, so when that wave hit, I had places to go for safety. I found that in counseling, support groups, new friends who were walking the same path, and old friends who knew me and my history, and, I found a spirituality that worked for me, that I began to find comfort in, and eventually guidance. It was hard to feel, at first, and because I had stuffed down so much for so long, it all came at me at once. Loss, grief, betrayal, disappointment, hurt, shame, abandonment, truth. All of that and more came at me, so much so there were days I didn’t want to get out of bed, and held on to my mattress to make sure I wouldn’t get blown away by the force of those waves.
I made it through that storm. It took time. And sometimes I did get knocked down by the waves, but I learned to get back up. And each time I did I got stronger, and I was better able to work through my feelings. I used to have trouble feelings things in the moment , a dear of mine would often tell me I had emotional jet lag, I wouldn’t’ feel things as they were happening, from all the years of not letting myself feel, there was a delay, from the event or moment itself, to when I actually felt it. That delay has lessened a lot, and today I do feel things when they happen, most of the time, there are still times when I don’t, and now I just observe those times and look into why I may be trying to protect myself from my feelings, and why I’ve held my feelings back.
I am proud today that I feel things in the moment. And if that brings up emotion, even in public, that’s OK. I am allowed to have feelings, no matter what they are, and I honor myself, and who I am, when I do. It’s OK to have feelings. And it’s OK to share those feelings. Because when we do they connect us to other people who also feel, and may just be feeling what you’re feeling, and when that happens, there is no better feeling in the world. SLAY on!
SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you allow yourself to feel? In not, why not? What scares you about your feelings? Have you been told not to feel? Have you stuffed down your feelings so deep that you can’t access them anymore? Do you do things to keep them stuffed own? What do you do to not feel? What if you stopped doing those things that stop you from feeling? What do you think would happen? What if you let yourself feel SLAYER, what if you made sure it was safe, found the support and guidance you need, and let yourself feel. You deserve to let go of your past and feel true feelings, and let those feelings connect you to others who feel just like you, allowing you to not feel so alone and able to be your true self in any given moment. Feel it SLAYER, let yourself feel it.
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you
Slay Say
Good morning SLAYER! It’s not what happens to you that determines your future, it’s what you do about it.
New blog goes up on Sunday, until then…SLAY on!
This Isn’t Who I Am, But It’s Who I’ve Become In This Moment
I know this feeling all too well. I remember thinking this when things got really dark. When the self-hatred overtook the light that used to burn inside of me. I didn’t like who I was, I didn’t like to look at the person staring back at me in the mirror, and I knew that wasn’t me, but what I’d become. When you’re staring at yourself from that place, the journey back seems impossible, to far to travel, you don’t like where you are, but fear you’ve gone too far the other way to make it back, to return to the you you once where. Or maybe you never knew who you were, or never liked that person either. So the journey then is more about self-discovery, to places you’ve never been, and that alone may paralyze you and keep you right where you are.
But going back to knowing this isn’t who you are. How did you get here? What lead you to this place? And why isn’t this place you? These are questions we need to answer. It’s easy, sometimes, when we make small concessions each day, to slowly lose ourselves, let ourselves slip away to something that may seem easier, or look better, or may be the promise of something new. But when we let who we are slip away, slowly and slowly we lose sight of who we really are, and what we deserve. We start to think we deserve this place, the place we find ourselves in, and we try to convince ourselves we’re OK there, even though we know we’re not. It seems easier to stay than to fight and get out, so we stay, sometimes for many years, sometimes a lifetime. And each time we stay when should go, a little part of us dies there, until one day, maybe we can’t get out, or can’t see the light we used to have inside of us. That is why it’s always important to stay true to who you are, what you desire and what you can take action on. And always take that action when you can. It’s much harder to fight your way back when you’ve gone too far. I was lucky enough to have done that, many years ago, to find that little spark of light inside of me and fight my way back, it took a lot of work, and it took many years, but here I am.
This statement now has a different meaning for me, if I’ve become something else in the moment, and it isn’t who I was, it is now a positive thing. It now means, for me, that I’ve surpassed where I was and have moved on to the next version, the 2.0 version, well, it’s probably more than 2.0 at this point, but you get the idea. That statement can also be used be positive once you’ve started to live as your authentic self and continue to push yourself to grow and expand who you are and the world around you. You know I’m one to always look for the positives in life, and this is an example of just that. I’ve had moments over the past 12 ½ years of being on this journey that have surprised me, I’ve surprised myself in who I am in a moment, because even I didn’t know I was capable of something, or of becoming someone so much bigger than who she was, or even imagined could be in terms of my capacity to love and give back. It’s amazing what you’ll find if you always make sure to stay true to yourself, to stand strong and fight for you.
It’s important to know who we are, otherwise we won’t know when we’ve lost what we’ve had, we may feel off, or different, and that can give us a sign we’re off course, but when we truly know who we are, and know we don’t feel like we are, it’s a sign to get to work and to get back to that place that lets our hearts shine. It’s also, on the flip side, a great marker for when we’ve exceeded who we were to become the beautiful people we are today. SLAY on!
SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you have a strong sense of who you are? Do you like who you are? Is that who you are today? If not, why not? How do you get back to who you are? How did you get lost? What choices did you make to get yourself there? Or have you noticed the opposite, that because of your choices and hard work that you’ve exceeded surpassed who you were to be who you are today? What changes have you noticed? What do you love about who you are today? What else can you do to keep feeding that journey, that path you’re on to becoming an even better brighter version of yourself? Who are you in this moment? Is that person who truly are? Or do you have work to do to reclaim your true self? Find that place again SLAYER and use that as a launching pad to take you to places you have only imagined. SLAY on!
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you
Slay Slay
Good morning SLAYER! You are the author of your own story, don’t like the story, change the narrative.
New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!
Slay Say
Good morning SLAYER! Your negative thoughts may be the only thing holding you back from becoming who you are meant to be. Look for the good in everything, and let go anything that stands in your way.
SLAY on!
