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Explosion In Reverse

I was with a group of people the other day and someone said, “watching you get better was like watching an explosion in reverse.” It made me laugh, but then when I thought about it, it was the perfect analogy. I myself had certainly imploded years ago, and even after the implosion I still went on for years before seeking help.  It’s like all of the good parts of me, my heart, my soul, had blown away in an explosion and yet I kept on going, an empty vessel propelling itself forward, until it just couldn’t anymore. All of my pieces had blown away and there was nothing left but a shell. Imagining myself, and all those pieces coming back to together is a beautiful image. I like to think they came back in a different order, or arrangement then they weren’t in before, and, perhaps, picked up some new ones, better ones, along the way. But that statement got me thinking about what happens to us as we break down, as we lose parts of ourselves as we slowly, or with one big bang, explode from the inside out.

I’ve talked a lot about feeling empty and hollow, and that I’ve seen pictures of myself from that period of time in my life and have not recognized the person in the picture as me. Not only were all the good pieces gone, but my light had completely gone out, just leaving the darkness, and a deadness in my eyes. The first time it happened it scared me, it scared me to look at that woman and know that had been me, that woman looked like the walking dead, and the part of her that was still walking was wishing she was dead. I tell you this because that’s how far down I had fallen, I had reached a place where there wasn’t much left, and there wasn’t much to lose, but even when you’ve fallen that far down I can tell you, you can still climb back up, and, find those pieces you lost again.

I think about an actual explosion, that there is that moment where something ignites and boom! So when I think about an explosion in reverse, of ourselves, coming back to together, I think there is a boom and eventually, and ignition, that is when our light comes back on, when all those pieces we’ve lost come hurling back together, boom! There we are. It can be hard to muster the energy needed to pull off an explosion in reverse, I know for me, there were many days I didn’t think I had it in me, but I would rally my energy, and I would surround myself with others who had done it, or where doing it, so when I felt I couldn’t do it I used their energy, their light, to gather strength, to find the light within them to light my path until I had enough of my own to create my own explosion, the one that put me back to together.

I never want to forget that woman with dead eyes, that woman who stares back at me sometimes from old photographs, as hard as it is sometimes to look at her, I never want to forget her pain because if I do, and I forget that she still lives inside of me, I may forget why I work as hard as I do to keep her safe, to keep me safe from an explosion that could blow all my pieces away again.

SLAY OF THE DAY: When you think about yourself, do you feel like there are pieces of you that you’ve lost? What parts? How do you think you lost them? How can you get them back? Do you see a moment, or a time in your life, that you feel like you blew apart? What has been the result of that? What parts have you managed to recover? What are you still looking for? Find those parts SLAYER. For me it took different things, a lot of support from others, it took counseling, a lot of journaling, sharing my story with others, allowing others in, letting them love and support me, and learning to love myself. It didn’t happen overnight, but it did happen, a beautiful explosion in reverse. Let yourself go boom SLAYER, and come back to together.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! When we share our stories with others and they are usually met with understanding and empathy, in that place, shame cannot survive.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Grace

Shutter Shame

How often have we let shame get in the way of living the life we want to have? How often have we let it limit us, hinder us, and diminish us? We think our shame is a way to protect us from being hurt, from being rejected, from allowing others to see who we really are, because we believe we are not good enough. All of this thinking is false. Shame isn’t real. We can make it real by believing in it, by buying into it, but it’s no more real than The Boogeyman, or whatever else we hid from as a child. We give it life by feeding into it’s energy. We give it permission to be active in our lives. We let it in by and let it grow by not talking about it, not sharing with others, and believing it’s lies.

Shame can manifest from many places. Childhood trauma, addiction issues, or even just the failure in something you place importance and value in. Once we have let shame in we typically engage in a series of behaviors as a result of feeling shame, we try to cover up our perceived flaws by overcompensating, by blaming and shaming others, by perfectionism, by lying, or by isolating thinking we don’t deserve or are not good enough to engage with others. Shame has a ripple effect, it’s not just our own stinking thinking that disrupts our lives, but it ripples out to all relationships we have affecting us personally and professionally. Shame holds us back from connecting, from sharing, from allowing us to be our best selves and from celebrating that. Shame steals our light and causes us to choose self-destructive behaviors to reaffirm shame’s negative voice that you are less-than and not good enough.

But really, shame doesn’t exist. Not unless we let it. When you think about it, you can’t touch shame, smell shame, taste shame, it’s not really there, so why do we give it so much power? Why do we have so much fear around it, when, only we can give it the power to hurt us? Why would we turn our power over to something that, when we let it, becomes so strong it can manifest itself physically in our lives? Many of us, while in shame, will feel flush, dizzy, have tunnel vision, have an inability to focus, hear loud noises in our ears, feel a tightness in our chest, have shallow breath, or not be able to make eye contact. When we’re experiencing this level of shame, we have lost control. We have completely given into it. So, how do we overcome the shame we feel and allow ourselves to be who we are meant to be, flaws, and all, and not only be that person, but be proud of who we are?

First, shame is a feeling and feelings are not facts. As I say all the time, what are the facts? What do we know to be true? If the answers start with “I feel,” that’s shame talking, not what is fact. Second, shame can’t thrive when we talk about it, when we share how we’re feeling with others, it diminishes it’s power. When we talk about our truth it brings in the light, shame can only survive in the darkness. Also, when we share, we realize that shame is not a unique feeling to just you, we all can relate, and when we feel a sense of connection of our common experiences shame starts to die and our relationships get stronger, and we feel a bigger bond to those around us, we realize that we are all the same, and that really, there is nothing to be ashamed of, we all make mistakes, we all fall, we all have lessons in life we need to learn, we shouldn’t feel shame over not getting something right the first time, or at all, because our path and our journey is on it’s own timeline, not someone else’s.

We all feel shame from time to time, but when we live as our authentic selves, when we share our feelings and connect with others, shame goes and hides. We have the power to stop shame in it’s tracks by not apologizing for who we are and who and what we love. Things may not look the way we think they should, but they look the way they are supposed to look, it’s up to us to find the good within that place, and to change those things we can that we feel we can do better. Tell shame to hit the curb, it has no place in your life SLAYER, practice self-love and acceptance and allow yourself to make mistakes, there is no shame in that.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you feel a sense of shame about yourself? Are there certain events or incidents that you carry around as badges of your shame? What are they? Have you ever told anyone about them? Why not? What do you think will happen if you do? What do you think is happening because you don’t? When you think about your shame, is it based in reality? Or is it based on your own perception of how think it should have looked or should look? Is it based on what others think it should look like? All that matters is that you live in your truth, through the highs and lows, just be you, no one gets it right all the time, it’s part of our journey and part of this path, shed your shame and shine bright, celebrate everything that is you, and take your power back over shame.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! You never know who else you may help just by sharing your truth, but it will always help you.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Feelings

Today I’m Feeling Blue

I write this today not because I want people to ask me how I’m doing, or to tell me it’s going to be OK, I know that, and please, I’m fine, but I write this today because it’s important to acknowledge how we feel. I’ve written before how it’s OK not to be OK, and it is, but I think when things are not OK, or they don’t feel OK, or we’re just feeling down, we don’t always voice it, and it’s just as important to voice that truth as it is when we’re doing great.

When I first stepped on this path and I started attending regular support groups, it was great to hear people making progress and how their lives had improved, but it was just as important, and maybe even more so, to hear when people were going through a rough patch because if I wasn’t feeling great that day I knew I wasn’t the only one, and that because I wasn’t feeling great I wasn’t doing it wrong, it was just the ebb and flow of life. So, that is why I share this with you today.

What is going on? It’s been an emotional week in a lot of ways, some things have come up from my past, I’m working on getting something new started and am excited about that, and there some things that are out of control that I’m frustrated with, so good and bad, the ebb and flow, but I think it has just weighed down on me emotionally. I do a lot of things every day, I wear a lot of hats, and I do always take time for myself and recharge, but sometimes I just feel heavy. And I’m feeling heavy.

Now I know this will pass, I have some really fun things to look forward to this weekend, and I have a lot to be grateful for, and I am, and when I get to this place emotionally, I know that means it’s time to get to work, to look at what is weighing me down and come up with some solutions of how I can make those lighter, or what I am able to change. It’s rare now that I have these days, it feels so foreign to me now, I used to live my life in these days, one after the next, so to have one pop up only once in a while is the result of a lot of hard work, work that I know to do to move past this place I’m currently in.

It’s a good time to take stock, to look at my life, the people in it, the choices I’m making, and see if all of it is aligned with who I aim to be, who I’ve worked to be, who I aspire to be, to look at what can change, or maybe what needs to change. Me feeling heavy is a sign that some things are off, or I’m holding on to some things I need to let go. We can only ignore the things we should be addressing for so long before they all catch up to us, they don’t typically go away unless we send them away. So it’s a time for me to take some extra time for myself, to reflect, to get quiet, to recharge and to take action.

Again, I write this today because I made a commitment and a vow to myself to always be honest here at STATE OF SLAY, and today, this is my honest self, and I do that because I always encourage you to do the same and I always intend to stay accountable for my own actions, so if you are also feeling blue to today I send you my love, we are in a position to make some changes, and that, really, is a great place to be, and something we have control over. If you are feeling blue you are not “doing life wrong” you are feelings your emotions and you may have some things you need to address. We get to decide the narrative of our story, we get to decide if we’re going to have a good day or bad day, and even though I may have a heavy heart, I am still going to have a good day, because I am choosing to, and when I choose to and I choose to focus on the good I will find myself in the good, and that I know to be true, and you will too. SLAY on.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you acknowledge when you are feeling down? Do you tell people? Do you have a special someone you confide in? How do you feel after you share your truth? Do you sometimes find a solution by sharing your truth with someone else? Do feel lighter after sharing your truth? If you don’t share your truth, why not? What holds you back? What do you do to release it? Do you release it? What changes or actions can you take today to release some things you may be hanging on to? What do you need to let go? Let go of what you no longer need, or what weighs you down, let it go, and set yourself free. Smile SLAYER, it’s going to be OK.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Talk Live Video

Hey SLAYER! Didn’t join us tonight for SLAY TALK LIVE, here’s what you missed!

Are You A Giver, Taker Or Matcher?

No, I’m not talking dating terms here, I’m talking life. In a perfect world we’re all “matchers,” we give as much as we take, but in a lot of cases people tend to lean more heavily to one or the other, and in some cases, people are only giving or taking.

The trick is to find the balance, to make sure you’re getting what you need but also sharing what you have with others. There should be a give and take, and it’s up to keep yourself from doing more of one than the other. It seems easy to identify that behavior in others, but sometimes harder in ourselves. I’ve written before about “Emotional Vampires,” those people who demand so much of your time and energy they leave you drained, those people are takers, and I’ve also written in the past about those of us who are “People-Pleasers,” and we’ll do anything to make sure the other person is happy, even at your own detriment. So, how we find a balance?

Anything done to extreme isn’t good for us, so when we’re only putting energy out and not recharging our batteries, or doing things that give back to us, eventually we will tire ourselves out, and most likely, ring up one sizable resentment against the people we’ve been giving so much for. On the flip side, some of us can take without giving anything back, in which case, you’re probably the person someone has a resentment against. So it’s about finding ourselves somewhere in the middle, and, there may be times when we lean toward one or the other, but always making sure we are not just do one thing. It can be good to reach out and say you need help, it may be a part of your healing to do so, especially if you are like I used to be, always proud to do it alone, even if not asking for help ultimately caused more pressure or stress that could of been avoided. For those people, asking for help is a big deal, and something that will garner them big rewards as they continue to practice the act of asking for a hand. And then there are those who are always asking, and keep asking, when they could probably do it themselves, or, help someone else with something. Those who could benefit from asking themselves from time to time, how can I be of service here, and not just think of themselves.

It’s OK to ask for help, it can be a healthy action for many of us, but when we solely rely on people to run in and save the day, or do the work for us, we’re cheating ourselves out of doing the work, and feeling the satisfaction of a job well done, or overcoming an obstacle in our path. Really ask yourself, and be honest, are you too much of a giver or taker, and if so, are there certain areas in your life where you tend to lean one way or the other? Within the answer to those questions lie a lot of useful bits of information about yourself, information that will guide you to more of a balance, like anything else, when we find out the facts, why we do certain things, or what triggers us to exercise certain behaviors, we are better able to address those issues and practice contrary action to walk past it, to find our healthier balance, it should be just as good to ask for help as it goes to help someone else, and the more we strike that balance, the happier and healthier we’ll be.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you find that you are a giver or a taker? Do you find it difficult to ask for help? Why? What do you think will happen if you do? Are you basing that on what’s happened in the past? You are not your past. Today you are setting out to make positive changes for yourself, so throw out old ideas and old stories and start to make new ones. Do you find that you are always asking things of other people? Do you also give back? If you find that you are taking more than you are giving, why do you think you’re doing that? What if you tried to help someone else? Do you think that might also help you in some way? It will SLAYER, when we help others, or do something we know they will appreciate, it’s gets us out of our head, or self, and it gives us a broader perspective than just our own, it also brings us closer to those people in our lives, as when we are able to ask for help, we allow someone else to give in service to us, both people receive a gift, so if you are only acting one way or the other, not matter what way, they are both selfish acts. Find your place in the middle and find a healthy balance of give and take, you will be a richer person for it, and you may find that your relationships get stronger and deeper as a result. SLAY on!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER!  Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life.

SLAY on!

State Of Slay Everything

Royalty Radio Interview Wednesday

Hey SLAYER! I am doing a LIVE interview tomorrow, Wednesday, at 6pm ET / 5c / 3pm PT on Royalty Radio. To listen and for the number to call in with your questions while we’re on the air go to: Royalty Radio Link

Looking forward to a great talk and hearing from all of you!

SLAY on!

When We Share Our Stories, We Spread Hope

For those of you who join me for the SLAY TALK LIVE livestream each month, you’ve heard me talk about giving back, of spreading a positive message to those who need it, and of my commitment to spread a message of hope. Last night I spoke at a mental hospital here in Los Angeles. A place that is not a part of my story before stepping on this path, but probably should have been, heck, there are probably times even on this path I may have qualified for the psych ward, but it was a place I wanted to speak because of my own struggles with mental health issues, I wanted to bring some light to the patients there because, for many, is not the brightest time in their life.

We all have the ability to share who we are and where we’ve come from with others, I’ve talked about the power of that many times, and in my last blog, and how someone’s story saved my life, so it’s important for me to share mine with others. I’m a firm believer in we have to give away what we’ve learned to keep it. If we just keep it to ourselves we can lose it, we can forget where we came from, where we fought our way back from, who we used to be, it’s the act of giving it away and sharing it with others that reminds us of those things, keeps us humble, and keeps us on the right path. Tonight it reminded me of likely where I would end up, if I was lucky and didn’t harm myself, if I were to stop doing what I do each day to stay in the light. The privilege I enjoyed today of walking in for one hour and then walking out could easily be taken away if I let myself slide back into the dark hole that I once resided. The weight of that was not lost on me as I sat there and listened to the patients share their struggles and I watched as they found a little bit of hope in what we were saying. That could easily be me. In fact, when I first stepped out on this journey, that was me, I was just not institutionalized, but the fear, the desperation to find answers, solutions, was all the same, I identified myself with them, and hopefully they identified themselves in me and were able to see that there is hope, that if they are willing to do the work, to do what may not be comfortable, to do whatever it takes to get better, they can. We all can. I did.

Each one of our stories is valid. Each story has value. Each of us has something to share that can help another individual, or many, we all walk this path with many at our side, who are all doing the best they can, and together we can all help each other. We can offer someone hope. With hope in our hearts we can accomplish so much, it’s hope that opens the door to willingness, and willingness to taking action, and even the tiniest bit of it can save a life, can light a path, can be a beacon to bring someone home. It is the most beautiful gift we can give, and it’s a gift that gives back to us in return. For those of us that have come out the other side of our personal struggle, for those who have found a better way of life, solutions to those problems that used to plague us, hold us back, bring us down, we have a lot to share, even when we are still trying, working, to get out, or to a place we want to get to, our journeys so far can help someone who is just starting theirs, and may be just what they need to hear to find the courage to begin. Even on a bad day, a day when you think you have nothing to offer, you do, by being honest about your struggle you may help someone with theirs, and, you may just find a solution by talking it out. We are all here for reason, we are all here to learn, to grow, share what you have found so far. SLAY on.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you see that your story or journey so far may be the light that someone else might need? Do you see the value in your story? If not, why? Has someone else’s story inspired you or helped you on your path? If so, how? How can you SLAYER give back and share your story with others? How can you be of service to those out there who can be helped from your journey so far? We all have a gift to give, one of honesty and truth, no matter how we may feel on any given day, our story matters, and it may just be what someone else needs to hear.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you