Self Love

Optical Delusion

We’ve all heard the saying “looking at the world through rose-colored glasses,” and I was certainly guilty of that, and I say guilty because I believe that although sometimes it is nice to see the world with a positive, or pretty perspective, when we purposely ignore the truth, ignore our responsibilities, and ignore ourselves and choose to see only what we want to see, that’s where we can fall into bad behaviors. Each one of us has our own perspective, no two people see everything exactly the same, and take our experiences, beliefs, and projected expectations into each situation, and those things can twist reality into something very different.

Our own Optical Delusions aren’t always rose-colored. They can also hold us back. I was reading a story recently about some trainers in India working with baby elephants. When they began they would firmly chain them to a tree so they can’t break free. Over time, after many attempts to break free, the elephants stop trying, and slowly the trainers reduces the size of the chain until they no longer use one at all, but the elephant, still believing it’s there, because it had been many times in the past, no longer tries to see if it can get away. We as people do the same thing. Our field of vision can get so small based on our past experiences that we stop trying, we just sit there, and our Optical Delusion tells us that there is no hope, no use in trying, because we are doomed to the existence we currently find ourselves in, not true. Try. Just try something different, take contrary action and just try. Circumstances can change, we change, but we’ll never know unless we try. Sometimes the only thing that is currently holding us back is us, there is no chain, only the one we imagine in our mind.

On the flip side, there are those who live life like they’re in their own fairy tale. Floating through life doing what they want, not a care in the world, or if they do, quickly brushing it off, or stuffing it down with outside things, thinking if they can keep floating above the mayhem, or the reality of their actual lives, they will always be OK. Well, at some point the balloon bursts and they come crashing down to earth, sometimes with a lot of mess and financial damage to clean up. As you know, I’m always an advocate of looking for the good, the positive in the world and our lives, but not so much that we are ignoring what is really going on around us.

So, how do we know if we are seeing the truth around us, or our own Optical Delusion? We stop, really look around. We ask ourselves if what is happening, truly happening, lines up with our core beliefs of who we are and how we want to live our lives. We ask ourselves if we are shirking our responsibilities to go off and play, ignoring our own needs and those around us. We ask ourselves if the story we’re seeing in front of us is true. What are the facts? Or have we slipped into a place of repression, or irresponsibility, which is holding us back? Listen, it’s always nice to treat ourselves and do something we love, enjoy, or feel a part of, but not if we’re using those things to run away from ourselves and our lives, or, holding ourselves back and telling ourselves we can’t do the things we love, or try for something better because of our own negative self-talk. It’s about getting honest with ourselves. We can do anything SLAYERS, we have the power, but sometimes we get in our own way, or let the voices of others stop us from trying. Ask yourself if what you’re seeing in your life is true, the facts, or are you looking at it through an Optical Delusion?

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you think you look at your life with a clear perspective? Or do you think you give it a darker view, or to much of a rosey one? Why do you think you do that? What do you think you can do to change that? What do you think will happen if you do? Write down how you feel about yourself and your life. Now, ask yourself which of those things are facts, and which ones are fears or feelings that no longer pertain to your life or situation. What can you do to change the facts that you don’t like? And, how can you accept the ones that you cannot change? It’s about finding a balance SLAYER, living our lives for us, finding joy for ourselves, but not putting joy above the basic things we need to do to be active in our own lives and taking responsibility for our own actions. SLAY on.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER!  The perfect time to start something new is right now. Trust that you are enough, take a chance, and jump in!

New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Be You

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! We can’t be possibly be there for everyone all the time, so why do we expect others to always be there for us? Many times we create our own heartbreaks through expectations.

New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Intend

People Can’t Always Be Who You Want Them To Be

We all want someone in our lives to just understand us—to show up when we need them, to read our silent pleas, to fill the gaps we feel inside. But here’s a hard truth: nobody is designed to be your everything.

When we expect someone to always be there, always know, always respond—without communication, without boundaries—we set both them and ourselves up for heartbreak.

We must learn the beauty and the burden of loving with grace and owning our own needs.

Prefer to listen? The Audio Blog version is available here.

Expectations vs. Reality

It’s natural to hope others will meet us where we are. We desire connection, validation, support. But expectations—especially unspoken ones—are traps.

When we expect another to always stay ready, even when they’re fighting their own war, we feel let down. When we expect consistent availability, we forget that everyone has their own life, struggles, and limitations.

And when reality falls short of those silent demands, we start to believe they don’t love us enough—when in truth, they might just be human like us.

Learning to Right-Size Our Expectations

The seeds of resentment often come from expecting others to be what we need without telling them. We assume they know. We assume they’ll show up.

But healthy relationships ask for clarity not mind-reading.

  • Let them know how you feel.
  • Ask for what you need.
  • Accept the answer, even if it doesn’t match what you hoped for.

This is how we protect ourselves from disappointment—not by becoming colder—but by learning truth, honest communication, and respect for boundaries.

When They Can’t Be Who You Want

Here’s what I discovered over time:

  • “Can’t” isn’t always about unwillingness—sometimes it’s about capacity.
  • Being unavailable doesn’t always mean they don’t care.
  • When someone can’t be who you want, sometimes they are doing the best they can within their own limits.

I used to take it personally when people couldn’t show up as I needed them to. I thought it meant something was wrong with me—or wrong with them. But I learned to see it differently: I learned to love them where they are, to protect my peace, and to find others with compatible strengths.

You, Not Others, Are Responsible for You

Expecting someone else to complete your emotional puzzle is heavy for both parties.

Your emotional survival is your job. You cannot force someone to be who they’re not. And when you try, you weaken your own foundation.

You deserve people who can be consistent. But until then, you can be your own constant. You can love others without relying on them. You can communicate your needs, accept imperfect love, and continue building your own inner strength.

Staying Open While Protecting Your Peace

How do you navigate this balance without becoming closed off or bitter?

  1. Stay open to love, even when disappointed.
  2. Keep your standards, but don’t demand perfection.
  3. Allow yourself to walk away when love becomes harmful.
  4. Find multiple sources of support, not just one person.
  5. Own your emotional state: don’t outsource it to others.

People Can’t Always Be Who You Want—but You Can Still Love Well

You don’t have to settle for being used, ignored, or repeatedly disappointed. You can adjust your expectations without shutting down your heart. You can ask for what you need, and learn to accept what people can give.

You don’t have to stop loving. You just have to love smarter.

SLAY Reflection

  1. What silent expectations are you placing on someone in your life?
  2. How often do you feel disappointed because someone couldn’t read your mind?
  3. What is a healthy boundary you can express to protect yourself and the relationship?
  4. Who in your life can you rely on without needing them to be everything to you?
  5. How can you practice self-reliance (emotionally) while still staying open?

S – Stop expecting people to read your heart
L – Let them care within their capacity
A – Ask for what you need—don’t demand it
Y – Yield your peace first before expecting someone else to

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
Have you ever been hurt by expecting too much from someone—and what did that teach you?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s value honesty over perfection.

And if you know someone who struggles with unmet expectations or carrying disappointment, send this to them.
Sometimes, love begins with understanding limitation.

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Be weird. Be random. Be who you are. Because you never know who would love the person you hide.” And, you can’t love you when you’re hiding who you truly are.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Stand Tall

Take Up More Space

I think many of us at times have cut off pieces of ourselves to make other people more comfortable. We’ve made ourselves small. We’ve downplayed who we are and what we want to fit in nicely to what others are expecting of us, or willing to accept from us and cheating ourselves of being who we are authentically or going after what we want. Our job isn’t to make others comfortable with who we are, it’s to be the best us we can be and celebrate who we are and what we love, to go after the things that make us happy, that challenge us, and show off our talents. If that makes someone in your life uncomfortable then perhaps that person shouldn’t be in your life. A true friend or partner would want you to be you, and loves you for being you, and would never want you to dull your shine for them or those around you. Nor should we want nothing less for ourselves. As SLAYERS we should make ourselves priority, always shine bright and believe in our own strength, power, and beauty.

I didn’t always believe. I thought, for most of my life, that I was less than. That you all were the bright shiny stars, and even though I could pretend, put on the act like I too was bright, the truth was I didn’t believe I deserved it, and, I many times, made myself smaller so I wouldn’t stand out, or cause anyone to look at me. I had so many hopes and dreams and there were many I quashed in the darkness, I didn’t dare let out, or tell anyone, for fear you would tell me I didn’t deserve them, or they were stupid, or that you might get jealous. I lived like that most of my life, and it felt like I was constantly cutting away at who I was and I worried what would be left. In the end, not much was left, just an empty girl, with a dark heart, and an empty soul. Thankfully that girl had a tiny bit of light and fight left in her and started to put the pieces back to together.

Sometimes it takes a lot of walking through fear. If you’ve lived in an environment where you’ve been told you don’t deserve what you want, or aren’t good enough to get it, walking through the fear that they might be right can be difficult, difficult, but not impossible. Use your desire to push past your fear, to show yourself that you can, and you will accomplish and get what you want, what you’re working for, don’t let someone else’s insecurities or jealousies stop you from fulfilling your dreams. Surround yourself with people who do believe in you and support you, use that support to further fuel you as you step forward, growing, expanding, and taking up more space. The fear that you might fail is not your story, it’s someone else placing a narrative on you to make them feel better, and if it is you and your narrative, you have the power to change it, as I’ve written in the past, You Are The Author Of Your Own Story, so start writing a new chapter. Make your mark!

Don’t get caught up in someone else’s expectations of who you are and who you can be. Express yourself in it’s truest form and be your best self, regardless of limits others may put on you. You are the only one who can break free of the chains that hold you back, you hold the key to reaching your potential and realizing your dreams, let go of those people who don’t support that and you and let yourself shine, you may just light the path for those naysayers who said you couldn’t.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you make yourself smaller to make others feel more comfortable? Why do you think you do that? What can you do to stop doing that? What do you think will happen if you do? If you have fears in doing so, what are those fears based on? Fears aren’t facts. What are the facts of your situation, why are you stopping yourself from living as your authentic self and going after you dreams? You are not a victim, you are not your past, what you are is a beautiful human being with so much to offer to world, go out there and get it and show us all what you’ve got. SLAY on!

                                                 S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Never feel guilty for doing what’s best for you. Setting a boundary is not selfish, it is an act of self-respect and self-care. Don’t let someone get comfortable disrespecting you.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Allow

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! It is important to check in with ourselves, but it’s just as important to check in with the world around us, to broaden our view and see what’s in front of us.

 

New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Mirror

Are You A Navel Gazer?

There’s a danger in looking inward too much—when your world becomes a mirror that shows only your problems, your pain, your fears. That’s what it means to be a navel gazer: constantly watching yourself, magnifying your flaws, and forgetting there’s a wider world that offers both perspective and relief.

But when we only gaze inward, we isolate ourselves from life, community, and meaning. We inflate our burdens and lose sight of the beauty around us. The antidote? Turn your gaze outward. Let your life breathe again in connection, contribution, and service.

Prefer to listen? The Audio Blog version is available here.

The Mirage of Self-Focus

When you’re stuck in your head, every error feels fatal. Every criticism feels crushing. Every setback feels permanent. You spin—overthinking, replaying, analyzing—until your problems look like monsters.

I’ve been there. Trying to figure everything out before I moved, second-guessing every emotion, judging myself for what I felt. The more I did that, the more stuck I became.

Here’s what I finally came to see: self-focus without action is just self-absorption. You can think harder, but unless your gaze shifts, nothing changes.

Looking In vs Looking Out

Looking inward has its place—it can deepen self-awareness, healing, and growth. But only when balanced with looking outward.

When we only look in, we:

  • Magnify small issues into crises

  • Drown in self-criticism

  • Lose touch with what really matters

  • Disconnect from community

When we turn outward, we:

  • Remember there are bigger stories than ours

  • Find wisdom in serving, contributing, listening

  • Lighten our own burdens by lifting others

  • Reconnect with purpose beyond ourselves

The world doesn’t need more perfect self-reflection—it needs your presence. Your light. Your gift.

From Inside Spirals to Outside Impact

The shift out of navel-gazing is not denial. It’s not pretending nothing hurts. It’s choosing when to look inward—and when to look outward.

Here’s what it looked like for me:

  • When pain surfaced, I wrote it out. Then I stepped outside my four walls and asked someone else how their day was.

  • When fear whispered, I visited someone I knew needed encouragement—and I encouraged them.

  • When shame rolled in, I shared a fragment of truth with a trusted friend—I turned inward language into outward connection.

I found that the more I did that, the less power my internal spirals had. The more I engaged in life, the smaller my worries seemed in comparison to what we could create together.

Step Outside Your Gaze

You don’t have to live life wrapped up in your own thoughts. Here are ways to shift your gaze outward, even when you feel pulled inward:

  1. Serve Someone Every Day
    Small acts—listening, encouraging, volunteering—remind you that your struggles are not the whole world.

  2. Ask Questions, Then Listen
    Ask someone else’s story, their fears, their joys. Let their story expand your soul.

  3. Join a Cause or Community
    Be part of something bigger than yourself. Let your life connect with people, not isolate.

  4. Practice Gratitude Scans
    Each day, list 3 things you see outside of you that bring joy—sunlight, a smile, a bird’s song.

  5. Pause the Mirror Time
    When your thoughts spiral inward, pause and redirect—with kindness—to what’s outside: a walk, a view, a voice, a touch.

What Happens When You Look Out

When you step out of the spiral of navel gazing, something beautiful begins:

  • Problems shrink. They don’t disappear, but they feel less overwhelming.

  • You find solutions in unexpected places—through others, through service, through connection.

  • You reclaim your place in life’s big story. You aren’t just a spectator—you’re a participant.

  • You step into joy less burdened by the weight of your internal drama.

You begin to see that your life isn’t about solving every internal fault—it’s about living, with heart, with impact, with connection.

SLAY Reflection

  1. How often do you find yourself trapped in your own thoughts or problems?

  2. What costs you when you stay inward too long—peace? energy? relationships?

  3. What is one small act you can do today to shift your gaze outward?

  4. Who in your circle might need your presence, support, or listening?

  5. How might your life change when you stop magnifying your worries and start magnifying your service?

S – Stop spiraling inward without purpose
L – Look outward and engage with the world around you
A – Act small, act kind, act beyond yourself
Y – Yield your focus to meaning beyond your mind

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
Have you ever caught yourself overthinking or turning inward too much—and what helped you shift your focus outward again?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who’s feeling stuck in their own head, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a reminder to lift our gaze and reconnect with the world around us.

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Give yourself permission to soar!

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Braver