people pleasing

Giving Love To Get Love

We often hear that love is meant to be unconditional—yet many of us struggle to live that truth. Giving love can feel risky. What if it’s not returned? What if it’s overlooked? But here’s the hard truth: when we give love with the expectation of getting it back, we cancel out the purity of the love we are offering.

Love that comes with strings attached isn’t love at all—it’s manipulation in disguise.

The Motives Behind Our Love

If you’ve ever caught yourself giving love to gain approval, recognition, or affection, you’re not alone. Many of us fall into people-pleasing or approval-seeking patterns without realizing it. But true love is not a transaction.

When you give love only to get it back, you’re no longer operating from the heart. You’re playing a game of give-and-take that diminishes both your sense of worth and the authenticity of the connection. Love is love, period. Anything else is a tactic—not truth.

Learning to Check Your Heart

I’ve been there. I’ve given love with the secret hope of getting something in return: validation, security, even power. It took honesty and accountability for me to see that this wasn’t really love—it was ego.

Early in my recovery, I was told something that stopped me in my tracks: “Don’t give love if you expect anything in return.” At first, that sounded impossible. How could I give without hoping for even a little acknowledgment? But the more I practiced it, the more I understood: love without expectation is the only love that strengthens both the giver and the receiver.

And here’s the surprising part—when love did come back to me, it felt even more powerful. Because I knew it wasn’t coerced or earned—it was freely given, just as mine was.

The Freedom of Pure Love

We all have motives. That doesn’t automatically make our love wrong. But when love becomes a tool for control—when it’s about getting rather than giving—it loses its meaning. It won’t fill the void we’re trying to fix.

The truth is, love doesn’t need to be returned to be valuable. Every time you give love without expectation, you affirm your own worth. You remind yourself that your heart is strong enough to love without conditions. And when love does return, it’s not a reward—it’s a gift.

SLAY Reflection

  • Do you give love without expecting it in return—or do you secretly hope for something back?

  • When you’ve given love with motives, how did it feel different from giving freely?

  • What happens to your sense of self when you love without conditions?

  • Can you recall a time you received love that was given without expectation? How did it impact you?

  • How can you begin practicing unconditional love today, even in small ways?

S – Stop and check your intentions before giving love.
L – Let go of the scorecard. Love isn’t a tally sheet.
A – Accept that love is enough on its own.
Y – Yield to the freedom that comes from giving without strings.

Call to Action: Join the Conversation
I’d love to hear from you.
Have you ever caught yourself giving love to get something back? What shifted when you began to love without expectation?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

Sometimes You Face Difficulties Because You’re Doing Something Right

There’s a belief many of us carry without ever questioning it:
If things feel hard, we must be doing something wrong.

So when resistance shows up — discomfort, fear, pushback, uncertainty — we assume it’s a sign to turn around. To retreat. To go back to what’s familiar.

But sometimes, the opposite is true.

Sometimes you face difficulties not because you’re off track — but because you’re finally on the right one.

Especially when you’re choosing something new. Something honest. Something that honors who you actually are instead of who you’ve always been expected to be.

Familiar Paths Feel Easier Because They’re Familiar Not Because They’re Right

We are creatures of habit.

We do what we’ve been taught.
What we’ve seen modeled.
What feels easiest in the moment.

Even when those patterns don’t serve us, they feel safe because they’re known.

But “easy” doesn’t always mean aligned.
And “comfortable” doesn’t always mean healthy.

Sometimes the path that looks smooth is the one leading you further away from yourself. And the path that feels difficult is the one asking you to grow into someone new.

New choices almost always come with new discomfort — not because they’re wrong, but because they’re unfamiliar.

The Cost of Taking the Easier Softer Route

For a long time, I chose what felt easier on the surface.

I avoided conflict.
I tried to minimize attention.
I looked for solutions that required the least resistance.

But those choices didn’t bring peace — they brought consequences.

I didn’t get what I needed.
And when I did, it often came through manipulation, avoidance, or dishonesty with myself. I ended up doing far more emotional labor trying to maintain something that never truly fit.

What I thought was “keeping the peace” was actually betraying myself.

And over time, that betrayal showed up as anxiety, resentment, and exhaustion.

People Pleasing Is a Survival Strategy Not a Solution

Many of us learn early on that being agreeable feels safer than being honest.

So we prioritize other people’s comfort.
We swallow our needs.
We tell ourselves it’s not worth the trouble.

But unspoken needs don’t disappear — they turn inward.

They become anger.
They become sadness.
They become numbness.

And eventually, the weight of living out of alignment becomes unbearable.

That’s often the moment when people turn to outside fixes — anything to quiet the voice inside that says, This isn’t right.

I did too.

I tried to numb myself.
To silence the discomfort.
To convince myself I could stay somewhere I didn’t belong.

But I couldn’t — because I wasn’t supposed to be there.

The Truth Always Finds You

We can hide from the truth for a while — sometimes even for years.

But deep down, we always know when we’re not living authentically. When we’re shrinking. When we’re dimming ourselves to fit into spaces that don’t allow us to grow.

And when we finally start making decisions that honor our truth — maybe for the first time — the difficulties that arise can feel overwhelming.

But those difficulties aren’t punishments.

They’re signs that you’re walking where you’ve never walked before.

New Difficulties Mean New Growth

The challenges that show up when you choose yourself feel hard because they’re unfamiliar — not because they’re wrong.

They require courage instead of compliance.
Honesty instead of avoidance.
Boundaries instead of people pleasing.

But here’s what matters:
These difficulties are far healthier than the ones you lived with while betraying yourself.

Fear shows up when we’re letting go of old versions of ourselves.
Uncertainty shows up when we’re stepping into something real.

That doesn’t mean stop.

It means keep going.

Doing the Right Thing Doesn’t Mean Everyone Will Understand

Choosing what’s right for you doesn’t mean you don’t care about others. It means you care enough about your life to live it truthfully.

If you’ve chosen the right people, they’ll want the best for you — even when it’s uncomfortable. They may walk beside you through the difficulty.

And if they don’t — that tells you something too.

Sometimes growth requires moving forward without everyone coming along.
Or continuing relationships in a different way.

That isn’t cruelty.
It’s clarity.

Only You Can Walk the Path That’s Meant for You

Only you know what’s right for your life.
Only you can do the work to build it.
Only you can walk through the fear that stands between where you are and where you’re meant to be.

Difficulties don’t always mean danger.
Sometimes they mean direction.

So suit up, SLAYER.
Step onto the path that asks more of you — because it gives more back.

You’re not alone.
Plenty of us are walking beside you.
And we’re cheering you on.

SLAY Reflection

Let’s reflect, SLAYER:

S: Where in your life are you choosing what’s familiar instead of what’s true?
L: When have you ignored your needs to avoid discomfort or conflict?
A: What difficulty might actually be a sign that you’re on the right path?
Y: What would honoring yourself look like today — even if it feels uncomfortable?

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
Where have you faced difficulty because you were finally doing something right?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who’s questioning their path because it feels hard, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.

Don’t Co- Sign Someone Else’s Bullsh*t

We’ve all done it.
Gone along with something we didn’t believe in.
Put our needs aside to fix someone else’s mess.
Jumped into a problem that wasn’t ours to solve.

And let’s be honest—sometimes, we did it because it made us feel needed.
Valued.
Important.

But here’s the truth: you are not responsible for cleaning up someone else’s willful choices.

When someone makes a bad decision—especially if it’s part of a pattern—and ends up in crisis, it is not your job to bail them out.
And rushing to do so over and over?
That’s not kindness.
That’s co-signing their bullsh*t.

The Emotional Vampire Tactic

I’ve written before about Emotional Vampires—those who feed off our time, energy, and attention.
And one of the tactics they use is convincing you to validate their chaos.

They want you to:

  • Validate their story

  • Co-sign their drama

  • Confirm their narrative that they’re always the victim

You are not required to be a supporting character in someone else’s self-destructive script.

Yes, we all need help sometimes.
And yes, it’s okay to ask for it.
But there’s a massive difference between someone reaching out for support and someone handing you a flaming mess they created—and expecting you to carry it while they sit back and light another match.

Been There, Done That

Before I walked this path, I was very familiar with this dynamic—because I was the one doing it.

I would avoid reality, avoid responsibility, and let things spiral until they became unmanageable. Then I’d panic, cry, and call for help.
And when someone came running? I felt a high.
A quick, fleeting sense of love and validation.

But it never lasted.
Because deep down, I knew I had created the crisis.
And I wasn’t learning anything from it—except how to get better at playing the victim.

That cycle drained me. And it wore out the people around me.
I’m grateful I don’t live that way anymore.
And when I see it in others now, I recognize it for what it is:
a trap.
For them—and for me.

Help Should Be a Two-Way Street

Being supportive doesn’t mean sacrificing yourself.

You can help someone—as long as they’re helping themselves.
If they’re taking action, being honest, and working toward change, that’s one thing.

But if they keep coming back with the same drama, expecting you to fix it while they do nothing?
That’s not support.
That’s codependency.

And here’s the hard truth:
Helping someone who isn’t helping themselves doesn’t help anyone.

If they’re repeating the same mistakes…
If they’re ignoring their own well-being…
If they’re draining your energy without ever filling their own cup…
You don’t have to step in.

Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is step back.

Stand Tall, Not in the Mess

Next time someone comes calling, ask yourself:

  • Are they asking for help—or a savior?

  • Is this a one-time situation—or a repeated pattern?

  • Are you working with them—or doing all the heavy lifting yourself?

If the facts don’t add up…
If your energy is being drained…
If your needs are constantly pushed aside for theirs…

That’s your answer.

You were not put on this earth to fix people who have no intention of changing.
You’re here to build and protect a life that’s worth living—and that includes knowing when to say no.

So the next time someone tries to pull you into their storm, remember:
You can love someone and still choose yourself.
You can care deeply and still walk away from the chaos.

SLAY Reflection: Are You Co-Signing the Chaos?

  1. Do you have people in your life who always seem to be in crisis?
    How often do they turn to you to fix it?

  2. Are you helping—or doing all the work for them?
    What toll does that take on you?

  3. Have you been in this dynamic more than once with the same person?
    Why do you think it keeps happening?

  4. What would it look like to support someone without sacrificing yourself?
    Can you draw that boundary?

  5. What’s one step you can take today to protect your energy and stop co-signing someone else’s drama?
    What would choosing yourself look like in this situation?

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
What’s one situation where you realized helping someone was actually hurting you—and how did you take your power back?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who’s stuck playing the fixer, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.