lesson

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Making mistakes is better than faking perfections. 

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then… SLAY on!

Growing Through Something Difficult

I’m all about changing the language I use every day to reflect a positive life and positive communication with myself. For most of my life, my default place was a negative space, I would tell people I was cursed and that’s why things were always going wrong in my life, or things were so dark. The truth is, it was the result of the choices I was making and how I was living my life. It took me hitting a really hard bottom and some serious work after to realize that. But I’ve walked this path of self-love and positivity for many years, and my life today is far beyond what I could have imagined, or even hoped for back in those dark years, and I make a conscious effort to speak in a way that is healing and nurturing to my journey.

I heard someone this week say she was “growing” through a difficult time, instead of saying “going” through a difficult time, something I’ve said many times in my life when I may be walking through a patch that is more challenging, and I’ve always grown through those times, in fact, that’s when I grow the most, but it never occurred to me to change that one word in that statement to reflect what is really going on, and, changing a negative into something positive.

No matter what we are going through, we are meant to go through it, and there’s always a reason for it, typically it’s growth. Those things that come along and challenge us prepare us for what’s coming next, or, may be showing us where in the wrong place and prompting us to make change, but there is growth in that. When we work to change our perspective to see those challenging times as an opportunity to grow we start to look for the growth in what we’re going through, not look at it as something bad that is happening to us we’re just trying to get through. If we are always just trying to “get through” it, we’re not taking away the growth or lesson in it, and, that situation will keep happening until we get it, so, why not “get it” the first time and move on? We can’t control what life is going to throw at us, but we can control how we deal with it and react to it, and by just changing that, and looking for the positive in those situations, we are able to take some control in how things will go from there because if you’re able to get out the situation what you need to that situation will not come back around again, or at least, happen less, because sometimes the universe likes to see if we really did learn what we should have and it throws us a situation similar, or the same, just to check, and if we did grow and learn so that next time should be easier because you are now making better choices.

Changing our language, what we say, and how we speak to ourselves, is the difference of working through something you label as negative, or an opportunity to grow, and wouldn’t we rather have an opportunity over a negative experience? We have the power to change a negative to an opportunity, and that in itself is already a positive. Look for the opportunities in your life to grow rather than just trying to get through a difficult time and see the difference that makes as you “grow” through your next difficult time. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you tend to focus on the negative? When something is happening that you’ve labeled negative, do you let it get you down or begrudgingly go through it? If you do look at those experiences as difficult, how do you think they might change if you changed your outlook into one of growth, rather than punishment? Thinking back to your last challenging time, what growth do you think came out of it? And, how do you think you’ve used what you learned after coming through that? How do you think you’ll use it in the future? If that same, or similar, experience were to come again, how could you use what you learned to handle it differently? Life is a journey of learning and growth, it can be an adventure if we choose to look at it that way, and when we do, no matter what comes our way, we can look at it as just another opportunity to grow.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! What separates privilege from entitlement is gratitude.

SLAY on!

state of slay expect

Entitlement, Entitlement!

When I first started to walk this path, I had to give up a lot of things, make changes, leave my old way of life behind. The ways I used to deal with problems or cope with life were killing me, literally, and so I had to learn new ways, and even though I knew what I was doing was for my greater good, it’s hard to let go of a lifetime of doing things a certain way, ways that my brain told me protected me and helped me to function in my dysfunctional world. But I did it. I dove in to these changes to the best of my ability and as I got better at implementing them in my life, without me even realizing it, I started to feel entitled to having things go my way. I thought, well, I’ve made all these changes, done all this work, how dare life just go on as normal and throw me these curve balls, or difficult things to handle, when I should now have everything go my way. Doesn’t life know how much I’m working to make positive changes in my life!? Well, sure I was working hard, and I was making progress, but that doesn’t mean that life now was going to roll out the red carpet and I would be on easy street for the rest of my life. Life still did what life does, it ebbs and flows, and, we have no control over that.

What we do have control over is our attitude, and how we look at perceived negativities in our life. Life may not always go the way we’d like it to go, but how do we know what way it should go anyway? We only have the tiniest bit of information, the part that pertains to us, we don’t know how our part plays into the big scheme of things, and how all of those, perceived, negative things may just end up being the most positive thing in our lives because they challenged us, and taught us, and coached us into being who we are today, or who we were meant to be. Life doesn’t owe us anything. We owe ourselves our best effort everyday, to be the best of who we are, or at the very least, the best we have in that moment. It’s up to us to find those positive places in our life and to let our light shine, not only for ourselves, but so others can see it, and know there is light in the world, even at it’s darkest. We are not entitled to anything just because we’ve made positive changes in our life, but, when we make positive changes positive things come, and some negative things will come as well, but when we live in the light those negative things may not seem to big as they once did, or, you may realize that they were never really negative at all, they were just shifting your path or direction slightly to align you to where you were supposed to be. Where we find grace in our recovery or positive direction is when we can ride those waves, accept what is, learn where we can, and make the best or better choices for ourselves, without making more waves.

During the years of living this way, I do expect the good, because I give and live in the good, but I by no means feel entitled to it. I know what comes my way is there to guide me and teach me so I can continue to learn on this path, so that I can continue to meet others, like me, on this path and learn from them, and so I may share what I’ve learned on this path with those who may have just started their journey. Life is going to do what it’s going to do, and I’m going to do what I’ve been taught, to except what comes my way as what is meant to, then, it’s up to me what I do with that. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you feel like life owes you something? If yes, why? Do you see that that kind of thinking only breeds resentments? What positive changes have you made in your life lately and what have been the effects of that? How does this change how you deal with negative things in our life? How has the way you deal with these negative things changed? How as that changed you? We are not guaranteed anything in life, but we can make the most of what we have and what we’ve been given. We can choose to learn from those things we may not have wanted for ourselves, and choose to see the lesson in them, or the opportunity to do better than we have in the past. Maybe even use them to help someone else, you never know what you are capable of as long as you live in humility and accept whatever life throws your way instead of expecting life to cater to your wishes and needs.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Failure Isn’t Fatal, It’s Feedback

I used to fear failure. I thought it validated me being not good enough, less than. Every time I failed it stung like it was proof I didn’t deserve to have what I wanted, or I wasn’t good enough to get it. But what it was really there to do was give me feedback. To show me what wasn’t working so I could learn from it and try again, or try something different, or maybe just a different approach. But I would let it defeat me every time. Back then, I think that I equally wanted to fail as I wanted to win, because when I failed it let me continue to tell the narrative my head liked to tell, that I didn’t deserve good things, and I was never going to get them. I know now then that thinking wasn’t true. Those were just the lies my disease would tell me to keep me sick, and keep me isolated, it was working.

When things don’t go my way now I try to look for the lesson in it. I look at how I approached it and ask myself if there was something I could have done better, or differently, that may have resulted in a better outcome. I’ve learned a lot from doing that, and I’ve also learned, that sometimes it was out of hands, and that goal or thing I was working for wasn’t meant to be mine, and it may not have because I was meant to be somewhere else or with someone else. You see, failure isn’t fatal, unless you let it be fatal, all it really is just information, or feedback. It’s the universe trying to show you where you are meant to be, and how to get there. We are programmed, by society, to look at failure as just that, proof we failed, or as failures, but that’s not what it’s mean to tell us at all. It’s direction. A nudge to head somewhere else, or try something different. Many of the world’s greatest inventions or successes have come from failure, and perhaps yours can too.

I look back at my life and at a very dark time I would have labeled a failure. A time when I didn’t even want to live. I looked at myself, and my life, at that time, and thought, wow, what a waste, all this potential and you messed it up, this is where your best thinking and best efforts brought you, but the reality is that getting myself to a place of total defeat brought me to a place of surrender, of complete humility, and willing to be teachable is the greatest victory of my life, and the start of the most incredible journey of my life, the journey I’m still on, and plan to stay on for the rest of my life. What I thought was complete failure, got me to a place that I was able to reach out and receive the greatest gift I could ever receive, the gift of desperation to finally look to and grab onto the light. And because I was willing, so many other gifts came my way that have helped me on this journey, and continue to, and when I attempt something new, or try something I haven’t before, and I don’t get the desired result, I know to keep going, and, to keep an open mind and an open heart, because that failure may just bring another incredible gift, in fact, it already has, and it can for you too, if you just allow it to. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: How do you handle failure? Do you let it defeat you? What do you say to yourself when you fail? Are those things true? If not, why do you say them? How those things help you? How do they hurt you? What if you stopped saying them? What if you started looking at them as just feedback? What if you let them guide you to where you are meant or supposed to be? What if you looked at them as just that, a guide? Can you write down some examples of good things that have come out of seemingly failures in your life? Can you write down examples of times you felt you failed, but can now look at those situations and perhaps find some feedback or guidance in those failures? Those times we “fail” we may be right on course to where we’re supposed to be headed, we may have never been destined to achieve what we set out to in the first place, because there is something else waiting for us that is better, or far more well-suited than what we think we should have, or be. Trust the process and don’t listen to your head that tells you your next failure is fatal, because your greatest victory may just be around the corner.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! The lessons are right in front of us, you just have to be willing to learn.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Reason

Happiness Committee

That negative chatter that happens in our heads, those voices that lie to us and tell us things to hold us back, to keep us down and to keep us in a place of isolation so we stay where we are and believe we don’t deserve better, I call those voices The Bullshit Committee. I tell them to quiet down now when they get rowdy, I tell them I don’t believe their lies anymore…but sometimes, on a bad day, I can, even for a few minutes, even though I know better, believe what they are saying. So I decided to replace that Bullshit Committee with The Happiness Committee. It’s a committee that I’ve worked to assemble for years, and typically they’re off doing things that fall under self-care, but sometimes I need them in the boardroom upstairs because I need them to drown out the bad guys who are trying to stir up trouble. It always seems like the negative voices are loudest. But, light always beats out dark, if we champion the light. So, how do we give our Happiness Committee megaphones to drown out the bullshit?

1) Start The Day Positive – How we start our day sets the tone for the rest of the day. If we start out in a bad mood or believing the negative chatter, it is really hard to turn the day around. So start the day on a positive note. Maybe leave something you love by your bed, or a quote you can read, or affirmation, so that before your feet hit the floor you’re already in a positive mindset. Not ready to turn on your noggin’ right away, then leave a note for yourself in the bathroom, or by the coffee maker, or maybe even in your car or by your keys, find a way to get yourself thinking positive thoughts before you leave the house or start your day.

2) Focus On The Good – Even on our most challenging of days there is always good if we look for it. Things may not be going the way we want them to, but what are the things you are grateful for? What did go your way? What are you looking forward to? How can you add something good to a seemingly negative day? There is always something, and when you find it, focus on it, and challenge yourself to find more, typically the more we look, the more we find.

3) Laugh – I always say, if you’ve lost your sense of humor, you’ve lost everything. Even after a car accident, I looked for something humorous to lighten the mood. Many times we give things too much weight in our lives, too much power over us, when we crack a joke or find the humor our outlook brightens, even for a moment, but even the act of trying to lighten the mood and looking for the humor in something has gotten you away from focusing on the bad, so, you’ve already won.

4) There’s Always A Lesson – Even when we fail, or things go terribly wrong, we learn from that, typically that’s when we do our best learning, so remember that when things have gone wrong, instead of focusing on the failure, think of it of a win of a different kind, because really you’re still winning, you just learned an important lesson, one you wouldn’t have learned if you won all the time. Look for the lesson, and maybe even say thank you for receiving it.

5) Focus On The Now – When we stay out of the past and stop ourselves from future-surfing, we can stay present and put things in perspective. Many times we can pile on in a situation that may not have gone our way with past experiences and fears about the future, stay present, look at the facts for what they are, and give the situation only the weight it deserves.

6) Surround Yourself With Positive People – Make sure you have a positive posse you can turn to when you’re having trouble finding the positivity yourself. Find that positive person at work, or a friend, family member, neighbor, and reach out to them. Many times just by explaining what you’re upset about will alleviate your feelings of dread and doom. And, who can’t use a little shot of positivity now and then? Make sure you’ve got yourself surrounded with some positive people.

Negative chatter will happen, but what can you do to keep it to a minimum, how can you boost your Happiness Committee and give them a louder voice? As the President of us, it is our job to make sure each committee has it’s proper place, so surround yourself with the committee that is going to work with you to accomplish your goals and yell the loudest when you’re going after your dreams and challenging yourself to be your best you. It’s time to fire the Bullshit Committee and give them the boot!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you listen to the negative chatter in your head? Do believe what it’s telling you? Why? Why do you think it’s telling you the truth? What if you stopped listening to it and replaced it with positive thoughts? What if you worked every day to replace each negative thought with a positive one? What do you think would happen? Do you think you would have a happier life? Do you think it would be easier to go after your hopes and dreams? So why don’t you do it? I challenge you SLAYER to focus on the positive and be grateful for what you have, it may not be everything you want, but you have many things to be grateful for, focus on them and give your Happiness Committee a voice to drown our your fears. SLAY on!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you