learning

I’m Not Perfect, I’m Flawsome!

The picture accompanying this blog is from a time when I was definitely not flawsome, flawed yes, but not flawsome. I’ve had this picture since 2003 and, outside of the person who took it, I’ve ever only shown it one other person. This is a picture I would have never let anyone see before stepping onto this journey, and, in reality, it’s taken over 11 years of this journey for me to finally show it you today. This was not the picture of someone who had it all together, nor is it a picture of the person I had so painstakingly crafted for you  all to see for most of my life. This is a person in pain, in fear, and slowly loosing her grip on all of the outside things she used to “keep it together,” I look at this person and recognize her, but I now feel compassion for her, knowing she’s still inside of me, but has learned to stand up and be proud of who she is, flaws and all, I appreciate all them because they have made me stronger, and they’ve made me flawsome!

What exactly is flawsome? Well, flawsome is learning and living to celebrate our flaws, to celebrate not being “perfect,” well there’s no such thing, so stop holding yourself up to unrealistic standards, so instead turn those things that we think make us flawed into strengths, to love ourselves, all of ourselves, for living authentically. We have the power to turn what we think are flaws into being flawsome! Now, this, not perfection, is actually something we can achieve and make happen. Are you game?

How do we do this? How do we achieve flawsomeness? Well, it’s about loving and knowing who we are. Who the heck are we? Loving ourselves unconditionally. Like I’ve said before, let your freak flag fly and be proud. It’s about forgiving yourself. Oh yeah, that again. How are you doing with that? It’s time to forgive yourself for all the things that you think make you unlovable, and well, flawed. Let that stuff go, it’s only holding you back from SLAYDOM, and for showing the world how truly flawsome you are. Look at yourself and your flaws with love, love everything about yourself, show yourself the love that you would want from others, the love starts with you, love all of you, and when we love ourselves it shows others how to love us, it shows them how we want to be loved. Stop living in the past and the future, live in the now! We can learn from the past to do things better in the future, but to sit in resentment from our past doesn’t serve us, it’s already happened and there isn’t anything we can do to change it, what can you do better next time, make a commitment to do that and move on! Focus on the positive, the things you know you are good at, celebrate those things, focus on the good and you will find more good. And, focus on the strengths and talents you know you already have, build on those, and share those with others. One of the fiercest qualities of being flawsome is sharing your flawsomeness with others, sharing the love you have for yourself and perhaps making it OK for someone to share their flawsomeness with you.

Listen, there’s nothing really flawsome about that gal in the picture above, except that she didn’t stay in that place, she, with every last bit of strength she had, got up and fought for herself and started a journey of healing and self love, unfortunately she put herself through hell for many years after this picture was taken, but she eventually got there, and now that gal up there, is this gal right here, writing these words, now that’s flawsome.

If you are feeling lost, beat down, empty, and hopeless, make today the first day of the rest of your life, you have the power to do that, the journey won’t be easy, but trust me, it’s worth every step, and, you have all of us SLAYERS by your side walking the same path.

Get out there today and be flawsome!

SLAY OF THE DAY: What makes you flawsome? Write it down. Smile SLAYER. Make a commitment today to not judge yourself, when something comes up that you feel is a flaw and needs to change, acknowledge it, smile. Write down the list of flaws that no longer serve you. How can you make those flaws flawsome? When those things come up, stop, and think before reacting, how can you make a better choice for yourself in that moment? Look at yourself with love each day. You are learning SLAYER, be kind to yourself on your way to SLAYDOM, and remember, you are flawsome!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

 

Slayer Say

Good Morning SLAYER! When our intentions are in the right place, and we know what other people’s intentions are, we are less likely to cause or run into problems because of miscommunication or lack thereof. Make sure you let your intentions be known and don’t be afraid to ask what someone else’s are. Everyone has their own reasons for getting involved and when you know the facts, you are safe.

New blog goes up Sunday…until then, SLAY on!

State Of Slay Intentions

Slayer Say

Good Morning SLAYER! Learning to take care of your own needs is the ultimate expression of self love, when you show yourself respect and honor yourself you are better able to share that love, honor, and respect with others, and it gives you a strong foundation to handle what life throws at you. Self love is like a spell of protection from the outside world, it cushions us from life and all it’s bumps and scrapes, it gives us strength, and it teaches us a gentleness, bringing us a new-found compassion for who we are and honoring were we’ve been.

New blog goes up Friday, until then….SLAY on.

State Of Slay Self Care

Self Care: H.A.L.T.

Self care, I had no idea what that meant before I started this journey. What the heck was self care? Dodging those people I didn’t want to see, or had skipped out on? Sleeping off the night before? Yelling at someone so they would leave me alone and stop asking so many questions? That was my kind of self care before I started to love myself. Every day we wear a lot of hats, and it’s easy to put other people’s needs ahead of our own, and, it is nice to give back or do something for someone else, but we can’t forget to do something nice for ourselves, or even better, make it more than one thing, and a priority.

When I first set out on this path I hated myself, so the thought of being loving and kind to myself was a little tough to swallow, and having lived most of my life pretending to be who I thought you wanted me to be, I didn’t really know what to do to be kind and loving to myself and to give back to myself. Who was I? What did like? But I found as I started walking a path of learning who my authentic self was and learning to love that person I started to figure out what to do to show myself the love and respect that I would want from others, and to nurture the person inside of me who still believed she was less than.

That’s what it really is. It’s showing yourself that you matter, that your needs should also be met, and that with everything that we do every day, we need time to do something nice for ourselves and show ourselves we care, we need to recharge our batteries and put more fuel in the “I love myself” tank. We all run around with these ‘to-do’ lists, but we never seem to put ourselves on that list, we need to make sure, somewhere on that list, we write our own name down and make time to do something nice for ourselves, even on the busiest of days, even if it’s just singing out loud in your car to our favourite song, let your authentic self shine and show yourself love.

As I got more clarity, and found more self-love, I found ways to give back to myself, and I now make it a priority every day, and this also includes the things I’ve talked about before, making sure I’m eating properly, getting enough sleep, doing the things I need to do to give myself the best chance at success for my day, maybe sitting in silence to calm my nerves or thoughts, or reading something that helps me put things in perspective, lighting a candle, it’s about making sure I am doing what I can to put my best foot forward, all of that is also self-care, and self-love. When I find that my mind is racing and I’m feeling overwhelmed that is the first question I ask myself is, how am I doing in the self-care department, am I in H.A.L.T? I’ve mentioned H.A.L.T before, H.A.L.T stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. If I am any of those things I’m not in self care, I have neglected to do the things I need to do to face the day with a clear mind and the energy the I need to tackle my day.

Let’s get into H.A.L.T. Hungry, well, that is simple, if I’m hungry I need to eat, no excuses, I need to do it. My head turns to mud when I’m hungry, I can’t make decisions, and I become overly sensitive. Angry, well, I usually get angry at myself for not eating and for not being able to make decisions because I’m hungry, and then I overreact to things and get angry. Lonely, this will pop up if I have been isolating, not reaching out to friends and family and letting them know what’s going on for me, so I’m feeling shut off and distanced from those I love. Tired, did I go to bed early enough, did I get enough rest for the day ahead, if I didn’t, I am grumpy. H.A.L.T. keeps things simple, it’s the basics, but we all have needs we need to take care of to make sure we are giving ourselves the self care we need.

If these simple things are met I am usually pretty good to go through my day, and then adding a little something that’s just for me is a nice way to celebrate myself and let myself know that I’m cared for and loved, you should also do this, because, you are worth it and deserve things in your life that make you feel good, and nourishes that part of you inside who may have felt beat down, discouraged, who may not have had a voice, or had been feeling lost and alone, do it for that person, love that person and treat that person with the care and love they may not have gotten, give it to them now, give it to yourself now, give yourself what you need, give yourself self love, and self care.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you always put everyone else’s needs before yours? Do you take time out of your day just for yourself? If not, why? Do you think you’re worth taking some time for yourself? If not, why? You are SLAYER! Work on building self-care into your days and see how that changes your perspective on yourself, and the world around you. What’s one thing you can do today for your own self care? SLAY on.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slayer Say

Good morning SLAYER! When we don’t get the facts of what others’ expectations are, and we don’t share our own, we set ourselves up for heartbreak. We have the power to stop that. Get the facts! Share your facts! SLAY on!

New blog goes up Sunday.

State Of Slay Expectations

Slayer Say

Good Morning SLAYER! How are you finding your own happiness today? Our happiness is our job, it is a choice, not a result, be fearless in what sets your soul on fire, shine bright SLAYER!

New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Key To Happiness

 

Say Yes!

I was never a yes person. Before starting on this journey when I was asked to do something new, something I wasn’t sure about, especially with people I didn’t know, I would say no. It was too scary. What if I wasn’t good at it? What if I looked foolish? What if no one liked me? It was all too risky to jump into something without knowing the outcome. This comes back around to letting go and not having control of any given situation. Consequently I missed out. I missed out on trying something different, maybe something I would have liked, and perhaps I would even have liked the people and made some new friends, perhaps, but I wasn’t open to new people in my life, unless I could tell they were just as messed up as I was, or maybe more, at least then I wouldn’t feel so bad about myself. But when I decided to make an effort in my life to be positive and to do things differently, I was encouraged to always say yes. ALWAYS say yes I thought, that’s crazy. A series a “buts” came after that suggestion was made, we’ll get to those “buts” another day, I thought of every scenario of what I might be asked to do and it gave me anxiety to even think of saying yes to things when I didn’t know what would happen, but I had made a commitment to get better, so I took the suggestion.

As scary as it was, I started say yes. And, I can’t say that I loved everything I got involved in, or all the people, but I realized that I had closed myself off to so much of the world because of fear, and had pretended to be who I thought you had wanted me to be for so long, I didn’t really know what I liked or who I wanted to hang around with. I began to look at saying yes as an invitation to get to know myself, an adventure of learning about me, suddenly the thought of saying yes seemed exciting, and abundant, there’s a whole world out there I never opened myself up to. Saying yes became something of an adrenaline rush, like going over the first drop on a roller coaster, or learning to fly on a trapeze, I knew I couldn’t get hurt, but I felt the rush of trying something new. And, because I started doing that, I started to learn about myself, who the real me was, what I liked to do, and who I wanted to do it with. I also started to trust that the opportunities that were being presented to me were not happening randomly, they were all part of my journey and growth, and I started to look forward to them trying to figure out why they had come my way, or doing it anyway and looking for the reasons later, even if the reason turned out to be that I had just tried.

Some years back I got offered an opportunity to teach. I thought it was crazy. I had never taught anything, ever, and hadn’t been in any class since my one semester of collage before I dropped out to start my adventure into adulthood many, many, years ago. Even though I was well into my years of saying yes, I had some reservations, how the heck was I going to teach a 104 hour workshop? I explained that I had never taught before, and the response was that I had a lot of experience in my field and that was more important than having teaching experience, they said they would give me a syllabus and I would figure it out. I’m not going to lie, I think I was shaking a little bit. But, what my journey had taught me was to suit up and show up, I did the footwork and stayed out of the results. I asked for advice from friends who taught, I audited their classes, and I used the guidelines I was given. I said yes, jumped in… and it was incredible. Having now taught since that first workshop, I cherish the times I’ve had the opportunity to teach and work with others, to see their potential and growth, and to be able to encourage and champion that is such a gift. I still stay in contact with many of my students today, and they all inspire me. Had I said no, I would have cheated myself that experience.

This blog is another example of me saying yes. I have never, in a public forum, discussed any of the thoughts and ideas I have here, but all the signs seemed to point to this place, and instead of bowing down to fear, I said yes, and like teaching you all amaze and inspire me, and I cherish every one of you who have chosen to walk this path with me. Thank you for  saying yes and joining me on this journey SLAYERS. And, keep saying that, YES!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Are you afraid to say yes to new things? Why is that? What are some of the things that you have said yes to in the last year? What happened when you did? If you didn’t say yes, what do you think would have happened. I challenge you to say yes this week, say yes to new things and see what happens. Things are changing SLAYER, I can feel it. YES!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Want Without Work Is Dead

We all want things, and there are days, or nights, that we sit and dream about the ways we would like them be, but wanting them and working for them are two different things. You have to take action. I used to sit at night and dream up all kinds of things that I wanted for myself, I could visualize it, then I would go bed, wake up, and do the same things I did the day before, never getting anywhere. I did that with a lot of things in my life and wondered why things didn’t change, they didn’t change because I didn’t change. Doing the same things that haven’t brought you happiness, self-love, and fulfillment are going to continue bringing the same thing, nothing, nothing but frustration, despair, and depression. It is up to you to do the work, and yeah, I know that sounds crappy, I mean, isn’t there some kind of pill or magical potion that you can take to make it better, no, no there isn’t. You have to roll up your sleeves, put pen to paper, or fingers to keyboard, and work, and talk, for things out to move forward.

I was famous for reading all kinds of inspirational things and walk around feeling, well inspired, ready to do something, and then I wouldn’t. So, my challenge to you, and hopefully you have, but my challenge to you is to do the work, the writing at the end of each of these blogs, they’re there for reason, and they’re all things I do and have done, questions I’ve been asked, and work I’ve done that has helped to get me to the place I am today. It’s hard sometimes to sit down and answer these honestly, without any bullshit, but there’s a reason for it.

For too long we have hid behind our disease, or being a victim, or our fear, no more! It’s time to pick up our swords, or pens, and go to battle. Go to battle for ourselves, fight through the fear, and maybe the cold hard facts of what we have done or not done, how much we may have harmed ourselves, but hiding from it, stuffing it down, numbing it, isn’t helping us, trust me, it almost cost me my life, and to that I say, I am not going down because I couldn’t get honest with myself, that is the ultimate loss, loosing you to you at your own hand because you didn’t fight for the most important person in your life, YOU.

I’m not going to lie, things might seem shaky, they will probably be uncomfortable, and they might feel upside down, THAT’S EXACTLY WHERE YOU WANT TO BE! That means you are changing, shaking things up, breaking the patterns you have made in the past, that’s progress! We have to learn to get comfortable in our uncomfortableness, and you will, I did, I mean, there were days I felt like I was going to crawl out of skin, but I didn’t, it passes, and the more we do it, the easier it gets, and, the more we do it the more uncomfortable we get when we don’t do it. True story.

I know you have it in you SLAYER, you’ve come this far, and as I’ve said before, there is nothing that you have done, or a situation you’ve been in that hasn’t been done or happened before, people have managed to move passed it and make better lives for themselves, I have, and know many who have as well. If you find it’s getting too overwhelming or need help making sense of it all, ask for help, seek out someone, or a professional to help you put the pieces together, I have many times on my journey SLAYER, there’s no shame in asking for help along the way. The point is to move forward, learn from our past, our present, and find new tools for our SLAYER chest to move us forward with love and strength.

So, pick up your sword, call out your battle cry, scream, shout, summon all your strength and go to battle, for you!  SLAY on.

SLAY OF THE DAY: My challenge to you SLAYER is to do the work. If you haven’t been doing the writing, go back and start, and if you have, re-read what you’ve written and see if what you’ve written has changed, if so update your answers, and be proud SLAYER, that’s growth. We SLAYERS don’t shy away from the truth, we are truth seekers, from ourselves and others, because when we live in truth we are safe. Don’t forget to smile, you are a SLAYING IT!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

People Picker

Yup we all have ’em, but a lot of ours are broken. I used to complain about the “awful people” in my life and the horrible things they did to me, but, it was me who let them into my life, and, participated in those relationships. When we’re not living in our truth, as our authentic selves, and we’re not loving and nurturing ourselves, we’re not making the best choices as to who we let into our lives. It’s not those people’s fault they are wreaking havoc in our lives, or disrespecting us, we’re the ones who invited them in, and, have let them stay!

There are certainly times when we don’t have a choice, but today we’re talking about most of the time, when we do, and honing your people picker starts with you, I think you may have started to see a trend here, everything starts with us, we have to manage who and what we let in, and for me I run that through some tests. What is this person’s intentions? Do they respect me? Do they listen? Do I like them? What do I like about them? Can I trust them? (oooh, that’s a big one, if they fail that one they have to go, no matter what else they may bring to the table). Trust, yeah. Before I started on this journey I did have people in my life I didn’t trust, because my people picker was based on wants and needs. What did I want or need from this person, there were a few people who I just wanted friendship, but there were many that had a purpose, and when they didn’t behave and do what I wanted them to do, or they didn’t fulfill that purpose, well, I got mad, and resentful. But, let’s go back to trust for a moment.

How can we trust someone else when we don’t trust ourselves? That’s the ticket really. We have to learn to trust ourselves, to honor ourselves, and know that we deserve to be surrounded by good people who love and respect us, but we have to honor and respect ourselves first. We have to get quiet sometimes and really ask ourselves for the truth, we know what it is, we just don’t always want to believe it or hear ourselves say it, but that “gut” instinct we all have, if we listen, it tells us, and sometimes it’s quite obvious we just choose to look the other way, or hope it will change. It won’t, until we change. It’s our job to trust we know what’s right, and, who should be in our lives. People tell us who they are, they show us, and it’s now SLAYER that we have believe them. We can’t make excuses for them anymore and let them in, or stay in, when who they are and what they are doesn’t fall in line with our authentic selves, we are living in our truth, and if someone else isn’t, or doesn’t respect yours, they have to go. And listen, I have a lot of compassion for someone who is trying, if I can see they’re doing the work, I can give someone a lot of leeway, but if they’re just spinning the same story over and over and it’s tampering with my peace of mind or my way of life, then they have to go. No, they have to go, there was no ‘but’ after that sentence SLAYER. Now, that doesn’t always mean forever, sometimes your path might meet up with that person again, if you both are on the same path, never say never, but for the time being, it’s the end of that story.

People, relationships, have chapters and stories in our lives, and sometimes they have to end, or are supposed to end, you know when that is, when it becomes the same struggle time after time, or they let us down over and over, or betray us, that story is meant to end, we are the authors, write THE END, and close that chapter.

As we learn to do this, and as we become clearer in our thinking, we become more and more protective of our hearts, are people picker gets better, more exact, but always looks for the facts, what are the people in our lives showing and telling us, believe them, you may need to move on.

SLAY OF THE DAY: How do you choose the people in your life? Are there people in our life you think shouldn’t be there? Why? Why do you think you’ve let them stay? Are you afraid to let them go? Why? Make a list of all of the people in your life, make pros/cons after each name, it should be obvious after you complete your list who should stay and who should go. If who should go scares you, know SLAYER, you are now honing your people picker, and even though it’s hard to say goodbye to who and what you know, you are starting a new chapter, a chapter filled with good people who love you for who you are. SLAY ON.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Stinking Thinking

I used to have some stinking thinking, and on a bad day, I still can. My default mode, when I’m not on top of my self care, is negative, reactionary, manipulative, and downright awful, I know now that those are all defenses I used to use to “protect” myself, and they were my go-to tools before I found better tools for my tool box, but, now I know better, so I don’t let myself get away with using those old ones, I also know that when I do fall into stinking thinking that something is off and I need to take a moment to look at the source of that. As an actor I always liken my job to that of a detective. I get a script and then I try to gather as many facts as I can and research to paint a picture of who that person is and why they’re doing what they’re doing. I talked about being the detective of your own life in Powerful Powerlessness, so taking what I do for work I also apply that with my thoughts in my personal life. My thoughts lie to me, a lot, and I know now how to listen but with a different perspective, I know my perspective can be skewed to the negative so I have to be careful not to let myself fall down that rabbit hole, I’ve worked too hard over the years to let myself live in that negative place, and it’s not the woman I aim to be, so that stinking thinking tells me I need to pause for a moment and get out my detective hat.

Our negative thoughts and actions can quite often have nothing to do with the truth of what’s really going on, but a reaction to something that’s been triggered in you. We walk around with a lot of damage from past experiences, especially if we haven’t been living as our authentic selves, we’ve probably not spoken our truths and have chosen less than ideal people and situations to get involved in, all leaving these really touchy triggers of times we may have felt abandoned, wronged, or not listened to, so in life, we can be minding our own business and then come across something, or someone, and BAM, it triggers something in us from our past, and the stinking thinking comes out in full force. This seems especially true with family and romantic relationships, they seem to have a special atomic reaction with our stinking thinking. Now identifying the source of these takes time, and for me, was aided a lot by counselling to put all the puzzle pieces together, but since these reactions are usually triggered by our past experiences this takes us back to forgiving ourselves, we haven’t gotten to forgiving those other people yet, but if we’re able to forgive ourselves it makes getting through stinking thinking easier. Again, the people we were when we were hurt, or maybe thought we deserved it, is not who we are anymore, we are SLAYERS, and as slayers we are moving forward, but we’re also learning from our past, so when the negative thoughts come up, instead of reacting to them immediately, pause….pause and ask yourself why they’re coming up, what about the situation or person is causing these feelings? As I said, it may take time to come to the truth, or you may need to seek some outside help like I did, but it’s important that you find the root to all of the evils that plague you, once you do, you are actually safer, and, it feels good to have a better understanding of what makes you tick, or ticked off, and why. As a SLAYER we want to have as much of the information as we can so we can make better choices for ourselves moving forward.

For me, I’ve found the answers to most of my triggers, which doesn’t mean I don’t get surprised from time to time, but armed with the information I do have I can typically get to the root of the matter and figure out why I’m being triggered, and if I need to do some more work in that area to clear away the negativity. We are always works in progress, but as much as that can seem overwhelming at times, it also means it’s OK to be fallible, to be human, to make mistakes, we are all here to learn, and sometimes it takes a while to get it, but you will, as long as you don’t give up. The fact that you are even trying is a huge victory SLAYER.

SLAY OF THE DAY: What areas in our life trigger stinking thinking? Why do you think that is? Do you know where it stems from? Looking back at those things, can you find forgiveness and start to love and nurture yourself in those areas? Write down 5 positive things about yourself. Smile SLAYER, smile, you are awesome.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you