People Picker

Yup we all have ’em, but a lot of ours are broken. I used to complain about the “awful people” in my life and the horrible things they did to me, but, it was me who let them into my life, and, participated in those relationships. When we’re not living in our truth, as our authentic selves, and we’re not loving and nurturing ourselves, we’re not making the best choices as to who we let into our lives. It’s not those people’s fault they are wreaking havoc in our lives, or disrespecting us, we’re the ones who invited them in, and, have let them stay!

There are certainly times when we don’t have a choice, but today we’re talking about most of the time, when we do, and honing your people picker starts with you, I think you may have started to see a trend here, everything starts with us, we have to manage who and what we let in, and for me I run that through some tests. What is this person’s intentions? Do they respect me? Do they listen? Do I like them? What do I like about them? Can I trust them? (oooh, that’s a big one, if they fail that one they have to go, no matter what else they may bring to the table). Trust, yeah. Before I started on this journey I did have people in my life I didn’t trust, because my people picker was based on wants and needs. What did I want or need from this person, there were a few people who I just wanted friendship, but there were many that had a purpose, and when they didn’t behave and do what I wanted them to do, or they didn’t fulfill that purpose, well, I got mad, and resentful. But, let’s go back to trust for a moment.

How can we trust someone else when we don’t trust ourselves? That’s the ticket really. We have to learn to trust ourselves, to honor ourselves, and know that we deserve to be surrounded by good people who love and respect us, but we have to honor and respect ourselves first. We have to get quiet sometimes and really ask ourselves for the truth, we know what it is, we just don’t always want to believe it or hear ourselves say it, but that “gut” instinct we all have, if we listen, it tells us, and sometimes it’s quite obvious we just choose to look the other way, or hope it will change. It won’t, until we change. It’s our job to trust we know what’s right, and, who should be in our lives. People tell us who they are, they show us, and it’s now SLAYER that we have believe them. We can’t make excuses for them anymore and let them in, or stay in, when who they are and what they are doesn’t fall in line with our authentic selves, we are living in our truth, and if someone else isn’t, or doesn’t respect yours, they have to go. And listen, I have a lot of compassion for someone who is trying, if I can see they’re doing the work, I can give someone a lot of leeway, but if they’re just spinning the same story over and over and it’s tampering with my peace of mind or my way of life, then they have to go. No, they have to go, there was no ‘but’ after that sentence SLAYER. Now, that doesn’t always mean forever, sometimes your path might meet up with that person again, if you both are on the same path, never say never, but for the time being, it’s the end of that story.

People, relationships, have chapters and stories in our lives, and sometimes they have to end, or are supposed to end, you know when that is, when it becomes the same struggle time after time, or they let us down over and over, or betray us, that story is meant to end, we are the authors, write THE END, and close that chapter.

As we learn to do this, and as we become clearer in our thinking, we become more and more protective of our hearts, are people picker gets better, more exact, but always looks for the facts, what are the people in our lives showing and telling us, believe them, you may need to move on.

SLAY OF THE DAY: How do you choose the people in your life? Are there people in our life you think shouldn’t be there? Why? Why do you think you’ve let them stay? Are you afraid to let them go? Why? Make a list of all of the people in your life, make pros/cons after each name, it should be obvious after you complete your list who should stay and who should go. If who should go scares you, know SLAYER, you are now honing your people picker, and even though it’s hard to say goodbye to who and what you know, you are starting a new chapter, a chapter filled with good people who love you for who you are. SLAY ON.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

5 thoughts on “People Picker

    1. Learning to trust yourself is part of the journey, as you continue to love and honor yourself and see the good that comes from that, you start to trust yourself, and, look for others on the same path, and who will also love and honor you.

      It will come, just continue to walk on this path, and, you’ve already found us here and have found enough trust to share your journey with us, so, it’s starting.

      Love to you today Lisa, SLAY on.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Many years ago, I was an idiot when it came to choosing friends. I’d pick someone out of a crowd, and loudly proclaim, “This is my new best friend!” whether they were into it, or not. So, my granny sat me down, as she so often had to, and explained where I was wrong, and how to fix it.

    Granny told me about the Relationship Spiral. At the starting point, is you. You are the main character in your own story, after all. Just a slight curve out, are your parents/parental figures. These are the closest people to you, and the ones you rely on, the very most. Then, siblings. Then, comes the family members just outside of your own home. Cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents.. you get the idea. Moving away from blood/family ties, are of course, close friends. Close friends are the people we’ve known for years. Perhaps, we’ve gone to school with them, since we were little. Or, they live next door to our grandparents, and our families know each other so well, they’re like cousins, too.

    As the spiral spins outward, we have teachers, high school acquaintances, summer job buddies.. simply put, people we know, but not people who know our people.

    The entire point of a Relationship Spiral is to slowly move people from the outside curves, toward the center. Granny was pretty clear about ‘slowly’. She told me I should have a friend for a few weeks, or months, before I brought them home. I’d been guilty of bringing people over that didn’t respect me, my house, my parents’ privacy, or my brothers’ boundaries. It had become a real problem. I was so needy for people to like me, that I didn’t have the guts to stand up for myself.

    Learning how to navigate the Relationship Spiral was really tough, for me. I was a lonely kid, and I spent more time in my own head, than in the real world, so it was difficult to make connections. I didn’t have a lot of close friends, growing up. Until I got to high school, everybody but immediate family was on the outside of my spiral.

    Then, day one of Freshman year, I met Sardee. She asked me for a cigarette, and we’ve been friends, ever since. That’s 28 years of boyfriends/girlfriends, break-ups, deaths, births, marriages, divorces, stupid choices, crying, and laughing. I was careful with Sardee, on my spiral. I respected her boundaries, and mine, and I gave us plenty of time to develop a friendship without any expectations.

    Now, I’m not gonna say that the Relationship Spiral is fool-proof, and that everyone who made it to the Inner Sanctum (ha ha) is still there, but it did help me not get so caught up in the excitement of NEW, and stay grounded. I’ve had richer experiences, deeper connections, and felt the weight of my responsibilities more acutely, than if I’d just barreled into person after person, and didn’t really care if we were compatible, or good for each other. I’m still friends with most of my exes, and for me, that means a lot.

    Today, everyone I know, has a place in my life. They all belong, and I’m happy with them. Well, except for my mother, but she’s very ill, and in the last stages of her life. She’s pissy as fuck, but she gets a pass.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Love this post! You told me almost two years ago that I had to take responsibility of my own role in where I was and allowing people to hurt me. A hard truth but I think of it often. Only in accepting my role was I able to release so much pain and find myself surrounded by love and amazing people, including you. xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. As I read your message I remembered back to the pain and anger in your face, it’s hard to stand up and take responsibility for choices we’ve made, but it makes us so much stronger, and, knowing that we have a choice gives us our power back, it gives us the power to make better choices as we move forward.

      You’ve done just that Marilyn, and have found a place that is loving, supportive, and nurturing for you, a victory to be sure.

      You make me smile with your bravery, your honesty, and your heart.

      Thank you for sharing here, SLAY on!

      Like

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