humility

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! When we graciously accept, both parties are blessed.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then… SLAY on!

State Of Slay Wish Happiness

You Can’t Receive The Message If You Don’t Show Up To Listen

I write a lot about looking and listening for signs, they are all around us, but if we are close-minded, think we know everything, or are determined to walk a certain path regardless of what you we be shown, we can easily miss these signs and messages all around us by not showing up for life, or deciding ourselves how it’s supposed to go.

I can relate, before I made a conscious decision to walk this path I thought I knew better, or, even if it was obvious that something should go a certain way, I tried to manipulate or force it to go the way I wanted it to. My ears and mind were closed, even when the signs were right in front of my face, screaming at me, I chose to ignore them and force my way ahead. All I really did was prolong my suffering, and, probably missed many opportunities for good things I would have wanted for myself, if, I had had the humility and an open mind to recognize them. I had to hit a very hard emotional and spiritual bottom before I was willing to listen to those signs, and I am grateful that it wasn’t too late.

We are given messages and signs every day, through music, people, nature and that thing we call our “gut instinct”, there are many ways that we are being guided, and, many ways we can ignore or choose not to listen to what we’re being shown. We do have freedom of choice, and there are many choices every day, but when we are open to listening and looking for that bit of guidance to help us on our journey we are often amazed at how often those signs appear.

For me, when I look back, even when I wasn’t open to them they were there, trying to nudge me in the right direction as I was careening off course. While I was living in ego, and listening to the negative voices in my head, I was almost defiant to them when I did notice them, I was resentful and pushed through them to forge my own path, even though that path was not one that was giving me what I wanted. I continued doing that until there were only two choices, get help, or give up, thankfully I remembered a message that had come to me months before and reached out for help.

Now I look for the signs, I think of them almost like my sidekick, that I am where I am supposed to be, or, when I am questioning starting something new, or looking to make a change, I reach out and ask for those signs, patiently waiting for them to appear when I am meant to see them. They have always appeared when I’ve asked, not always in that exact moment, but shortly after, and because it usually takes me a few times to really get it, I’ll usually get a few of them pointing me towards the same action or conclusion. Today they make me smile, and they comfort me, knowing that they are there walking this journey with me and working with me to get me to where I am supposed to go. I don’t know everything, there’s no way I can, so I look to them to help me on my path. The key is to be willing to listen, and with willingness change can come.

We often ask for signs but are we really open to seeing and hearing them? They only work for us when we are able to get out of our own way and hear them for what they are, if you’re unsure, ask again, in my experience they will keep coming until you are sure, and I know they will show up for you too if you show up and listen for them. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you look for signs in your day to day life? Do you see and hear them? Do you listen to them? If they are not what you want to hear do you keep doing what you’re doing and ignore them? What is the result? What has been the result when you have followed them? Do you think you are willing and open to their suggestions? If not, why not? What would you ask to see signs for today? Ask SLAYER, ask and listen, this blog may be the first sign to get you to look outward for answers you’ve trying to solve within yourself.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYERS! The more you deny your feelings, the more power they have over you.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then… SLAY on!

State Of Slay Connection

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Sometimes the hardest part of the journey is believing you’re worth the trip.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then… SLAY on!

State Of Slay Just A Reminder

You’re Worth It

Fourteen years ago today I surrendered. After years of suffering, I finally admitted defeat. And although that may sound like I failed in some way, I really won that day.  I finally found the humility and courage to ask for help, and I had just enough hope to stand up and fight for myself. That hope was really dim, but it was there, and I held onto that little light inside of myself as I set foot on a new path, my hands may have been shaking, but my heart gave me just enough strength to keep stepping forward, even if those steps, to start, where small.

I learned, early on, that my secrets, those things I fought to hide, those things I thought would show you I was weak, unlovable and ugly, those things were the things that there going to connect me to those who would understand me, lift me up, and love me before I could love myself. What I thought was the ugliest part of me became my ally and admitting my faults was the key to finding self-forgiveness and strength. I would also learn that admitting my faults would not push those away who were true friends and family who wanted the best for me, but it would bring us closer together, it would bond us, open the door to understanding and create a support system for me that I still hold close today. It would also surround me with people like myself who were working to do the best they could with what they had, and had also made the choice to fight for their life. And, that’s truly what I was doing every day, and every day since then, chosen to fight for my life. That fight has become less strenuous over the years but still can be on certain days, but I know today that I never fight it alone, I have a whole army of warriors around me, and I need to, I know, from when I was living in the dark, that I can’t fight alone, and am not meant to, we have far more strength together, and when we are weak, tired or feel we can’t go on, we pick up those who are struggling until they are able to get up and continue their fight alongside us.

My gratitude for the last 14 years is immeasurable, as is my love for those who have walked this journey with me. Today, I walk in the light, because I choose to, and I let that light shine for others to see who may need that spark of hope like I did years ago. When we shine our light and fight to be our best selves, we give others permission to do so also, or perhaps offer a spark that sets them off on their own journey of recovery. That, I believe is why I am still here, to share a message of hope, of compassion and to connect with all of you from a place of vulnerability, transparency and healing, we all want the same thing, to be loved, to feel love, to feel we matter and are appreciated and heard, and I want to you to know, you are, I love you, and even if you don’t love yourself today, I still love you, perhaps even more, as I know that sometimes what we need to get started is someone else seeing us for who we are and loving us anyway.  I hope one day you may find that you have always been worthy of love, especially those parts you think are unlovable. You are worth it, whatever it takes, find what works for you and fight, I am right there with you SLAYER.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you feel you’re worth fighting for? If not, why not? Is this something you think alone, or have you been told this? By whom? Why do you think they have said that? Why do you think it’s true? What if you didn’t believe them and fought for yourself anyway? What do you think would happen? What would you like to happen? It can. You hold the power to change, to seek help, to find those like yourself to support you, to share your journey with you. You have much more power than you think, but you have to believe you do, or at least have enough to get you started. That’s all it took for me, just enough strength to pick up the phone and share my truth, and that phone call started me on this path I walk today, and that path has given me a life beyond what I ever could have imagined. SLAY on!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! You are not your mistakes, they are what you did, not who you are.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then… SLAY on!

State Of Slay Still Standing

Too Content With Your Misery

When I was living in the dark I didn’t want to be there but it was what I had known for many years and I found comfort in the familiarity of it. It felt safe, because it was what I knew, but it was anything but. I knew I would eventually die there but it felt too scary to try to leave. I wrapped that darkness around me like like a cloak, and told myself it protected me, but it only protected me from getting well.

It took a lot for me to reach out for help and to take the action I needed to actually get well. There had been many times I had wished to get well, or hoped for it, and even looked into it, but it would always stop there, short of actually taking the action needed. Just wanting something wasn’t enough to make it so, and, truthfully, I wasn’t ready to let go of my misery for happiness, joy and freedom. That, today, sounds crazy to me, but at the time it made perfect sense. Why put myself out there, launch myself into the unknown, where I don’t know what’s going to happen, or how people are going to react, when I can stay here in my misery and know exactly how things will go and how I’m perceived. I had to reach a point where I was no longer content to sit in my misery, and I was fortunate to sit in it long enough to get uncomfortable there.

My discomfort in my misery felt like a betrayal, after all, I had devoted most of my life to that place, and then to find myself uncomfortable and in fear of staying there, I felt like my best friend had turned on me. That fear of staying there, and the realization that it would ultimately be my demise was far great than the fear of stepping out of my misery for something different, and, possibly something better. And so I did. It was extremely uncomfortable at first, and I had to throw out everything I had known from my past to forge a new beginning and a new life. I had to let go of all the romanticizing I had done about my misery and that dark place, I had to stop justifying it, and thinking of it as safe, it wasn’t, and I had to trust where I was being guided and the guidance I was being given and learn to walk one step at a time in this new light. I learned that my misery was not just unique to me, that many others shared in it and my misery became an outlet for me to heal and connect with others who were doing the same. Sharing our misery made us feel less lonely and part of a group of people doing what was best for us, it gave us strength and power to keep going and through each other and the work we were each doing, I began to find myself content there, in the light, the misery seemed like a cold place I didn’t want to return to, my concept of content was changing.

Today I live in the light. The darkness still creeps in from time to time, but it doesn’t feel good when it does, and, it’s a sign to me that I’m not doing what I have learned to do to keep it at bay, I’ve left a door open somewhere and it’s up to me to close it. I have no desire to return to my misery, even though I know it’s out there waiting for me, trying to convince me to come back, but I know better, there’s nothing for me there, nothing but, well, misery. I live in the light today and my life is more than I ever could have imagined sitting alone in the dark, it took that leap of faith, courage and humility to step out from the darkness and seek the light, and it was worth every moment, every amount of work and uncomfortableness I felt to get me to where I am today.

Today I am someone I am proud of, I am someone who is honest, and caring, strong, courageous and compassionate, and I’ve learned that to be any of those things, and all of those things, I have to be them myself before I can see them in others, or encourage them in others, I need to identify them in me, and believe in them for myself so I can identify them in all of you. What it all comes down to is not where you are comfortable, but where you can thrive, be your best self, and share your light with others, and sometimes that means getting out from that place you feel content for a new place that challenges you but you are drawn to because you know it is where you are meant to be and deserve to be. Let go of your misery and let in the possibility of your own happiness. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Are you too content in your misery? Why do you think that is? Is it the only place you’ve ever known? Have you ever stepped out of your misery? How did that feel? Why did, or do, you go back? What does it look like outside of that place? Why don’t you stay there? What’s keeping you in your misery? What do you have to lose by giving it up? Do it SLAYER! Let go of your misery for what else you may find out there, for what you can be, and what you can have in your life that you deny yourself by staying in your misery. Take that leap of faith like I did, there are many of us that have, and we’re all cheering you on.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Why Do We Hate?

We hate out of fear. We hate out of ignorance. We hate out of intolerance. We hate because we hate ourselves.

When I was living in the darkness I hated myself. Because I hated myself I hated a lot of other things. It’s hard to find love in your heart for other things when you’ve stamped it out for yourself. I also lived in a place of ego, ego and self-hatred, that was the insanity of my reality, I thought I was the biggest piece of crap out there, but I still thought I knew more than you did. I was really unforgiving of others because I was unforgiving of myself. I judged everyone and had an opinion about everything. I didn’t like someone who was different because I felt different, and that made me feel uncomfortable. But all of that really came from that deep-seated hate for myself, once I found self-love hate became something I no longer thought about. I know that for some of us self-love seems like a daunting task, but know others who were able to find self-love by loving others, or letting others love them, looking at themselves through someone else’s eyes and seeing the love they see. There is not just one route to finding self-love and the love that is shared between us, but those who hate will tell you different.

We see so much hate in the world today. And hate seems to have a louder voice than love. And maybe that’s because we who love and are spreading love do it in a more one-on-one, softer and gentler way than those spreading hate, they seem to spread it in a rapid fire spraying motion trying to cause the most collateral damage as possible. Love is not spread that way. For me it’s spread because of the love I feel within, I want to share that with those around me and so that they may possibly feel the way I do. The thought of hate doesn’t even really cross my mind. There are certainly things, and even a few people, I dislike, but hate to me feels evil, dark and sinister, and a gateway to the place I used to live. I have also learned to have much more of an open mind than used to, although, I can still be a bit stubborn at times… I’ve been told. Okay, yes, I can be. But when I lived in hate I would never budge, I thought I knew the truth, I thought, I knew the best way and that was that, even though the best way I came up with nearly cost me my life. Which brings me to another topic I’ve discussed before, humility. There is no humility in hate, it cannot co-exist, humility opened the door for me to recovery, to find a solution because the solution I had come up with was not working. I had to admit that I was wrong and I had to surrender. Both things I used to think would make me weak, but after doing it was able to see the strength in it.

When we live in a place of self-love, when we are open to new things, when we can find compassion for our neighbors, we no longer have a place for hate in your lives. We seek to learn, to understand, to honor those around us, and ourselves, so now when I see someone spreading hate I feel badly for them because I know that that hate likely extends to themselves, as mine once did, and I know the only antidote for hate is love. Perhaps today, we can all send some love out in the world to try to neutralize the hate, maybe if we all did it we could extinguish it, even just in our own lives. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you hate? What do you hate? Why do you hate? What does that word mean to you? How do you feel about yourself? Describe yourself? How many of those things are positive? How many of them come from love? How many from hate? Do you think of yourself as better than those around you? Do you consider yourself worse? What can you do to even level that field? Do you love yourself? If yes, why? If not, why? Finding love for yourself is the most important work you can do, and the most rewarding. It is the base of everything you do, and it allows you to share that love with others and possibly show them love that they might see themselves. Love is contagious, so why not spread instead of hate?

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! You have the power to say, this is not how my story is going to end. Your story isn’t over yet ;

New blog goes up Friday, until then… SLAY on!

State Of Slay Ends The Chances

Suicide Prevention- No Shame

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. A day that is particularly important to me. As a survivor it is a reminder of the place I came from, and the importance of ending the stigma that mental health issues are something to hide and be ashamed of. My shame of my disease kept me silent, and that silence nearly cost me my life. Approximately 1 and 5 adults experience mental illness in any given year in the United States. 1 in 5. Think about that. Anywhere you go, when you look around, 1 and 5 of those people you see are experiencing or have experienced some form of mental illness. So, why are we so afraid to talk about it? Why is there shame around something that so many us all share?

I know for myself I was afraid of being labeled “crazy,” of possibly being in an institution, whether a real threat or imagined, I was afraid of people looking at me differently, of possibly being medicated, something that frightened me as I had seen the side-effects of certain medications in my life having a negative effect, and, I was afraid of being seen as broken, or damaged. Those were the fears that kept me from reaching out and getting the help I needed. I was ashamed at how I was living my life, and my ego and pride stopped me for many years from finding the humility and courage to ask for help. It was someone who shared his story with me, who recognized what I was struggling with, and opened his heart to me about his journey that opened the door for my recovery. I appreciated his courage to share himself with me in that way, and his courage to seek treatment. I could see how his life was today and how he had changed, but I wasn’t quite ready in that moment to identify myself as having the same mental illness. Lucky for me, that story planted a seed, and a few months later, that seed had started to grow, and I realized that I did recognized myself in his story from what it had been like for him. It was the first time I felt like it was safe to tell someone the truth about the place I found myself in, the daily struggle just to get through each day and my constant hope that I would just die in my sleep and make the pain go away. But, in reality, I didn’t want to die, I just, on my own, didn’t know how to make the pain stop, but by asking for help I later found many people who did.

The key to my recovery, and my life today, was my ability to be honest with myself, and those who could help me. I found, that when I did reach out for help that there was an abundance of it, and a community of people who understood what I was going through who rallied around me in support. I learned that what I thought was something to be ashamed of was something that connected me to that community, and to many people who were already in my life who understood my struggle, and that connection meant I wasn’t alone. No one in my life turned away from me. There were certainly those who understood more than others, but those who did not asked questions and attempted to understand. Today, having nearly double digit recovery from my attempt, I am grateful to be here, to have the life I have today, and to be able to share my journey with others who may need to hear that there is hope, there is hope.

The more we talk about something the more it loses it’s power over us, the more that shame we may carry disappears and the more it give others permission to be honest about themselves. Everyone needs help sometime, and there is nothing wrong with reaching out your hand and asking for help. The day I tried to end my pain, I remember regretting what I had done, and when I talk with other survivors, I typically hear the same from them, I was lucky that I was given a second chance, but many do not get that chance, and I wonder how many regretted what they had done after they had done it, probably many.

I am here today to share my story, share my hope, share my light for the person that may be sitting in the dark, there is help all around you, there truly is, sometimes it may not be where you think it is, or where you think it should be, but it’s there. Share you truth and open your heart to finding the help you need, never be ashamed of the place you are right now, because where you are right now may just be where you need to be to get to the place you are meant to be, a place where you can be proud of who are you and who you are, and a place where your courage may just inspire someone else to find theirs. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you share your truth with those around you, or those you trust, or keep your feelings inside? If you don’t share your truth, why don’t you? Do you try? What stops you? Have you shared your truth in the past? What was the result? If it wasn’t a good result, is it possible you may have shared your truth with the wrong person or persons? Who can you share your truth with? There is no shame in needing help.

If you are not sure who or how to reach out, here are a list a resources you can trust. Suicide Help Resources

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you