Celebrate

Searching For Love

I’ve been spending time with family this week, my fiance’s family, a family I’m enjoying getting to know more and more, and we’ve been talking a lot about love and life. As I plan for my wedding, a big milestone, and a celebration of love, it brings up a lot of emotions, for us, as a couple, and for family and friends who are on this journey with us. We’ve had some spontaneous beautiful moments that all center around love. Our conversations have often gone to memories of new beginnings, of birth, of heartfelt moments, and endings, but through it all, the through line to all of those moments and memories is love. We look for love, are attracted to love and, hopefully, give love. There’s a reason why so my songs have been written about it, and according to The Beatles, “Love Is All You Need.” We probably need more than just love, but love is the center of most things we do, it is something that motivates us, challenges us, and for some of us, something we are constantly searching for.

I had a friend share with me a near death experience she had, she described it in detail, but what has always stayed with me is her describing how she felt in the place her soul went, she said to me, the only way to describe how I felt where was was love, but that doesn’t even come close to the feeling, she said, what I felt doesn’t exist here on earth, and I think we are always searching for it, and the closest thing we have here is love. I think we do always look for love, or gravitate toward it, and why not, for the most part, it feels great, to give it and receive it, but the love I’ve found for myself is the love that allows me to fully enjoy the love around me.

For most of my life I hated myself, there was no love, I was full of anxiety and self-hatred for who I thought I was and that dominated my thoughts and actions. That self-hatred stood in the way of most true love that I had in my life because I didn’t believe I deserved it. I loved to the best of my ability, but I only let it get so far out of fear I wasn’t good enough or it would be taken away. When I made the commitment to get well I was faced with that self-hatred and told I had to learn to love myself, the voices in my head screamed, YOU CAN’T! But anything is possible when we are willing, and with a determination to get well I set out to find the love within myself. It was difficult at the start, I was at a place where I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror, never mind find things within myself to love, but was challenged, each day, to find those things, or on many days, just one thing, to start. And like anything, the most difficult task is always to start, but as I started to shift my focus from the bad to the good, I slowly started finding more things to love about myself, and it was slow, but it happened. I had to be mindful, and still do, each day to keep my heart in a place of gratitude, because that was, and is, where my love comes from, and grows.

As human beings we seem to be on the search for love most often, we instinctively gravitate toward it, when we are able to find it in ourselves or except it from others. And perhaps there is something to my friend’s story, I’ve heard similar stories from others, that we, deep in our souls, search for it because it brings us closer to what we know, to God, or a spiritual connection, or to a place we feel safe.

Open yourself to love, and find the love within yourself, appreciate that love and who you are, and share that love with others. Love really can heal, it can perform miracles, and it can bring joy to even those who just witness it. Spread your love today. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Are you able to find the love within yourself? If not, why not? If yes, how do you find it and what does it feel like for you? Have you always had this love or have you had to go seeking it within? How did you do that? If you haven’t found love within yourself, how can you, today, begin looking for it? How do you feel when you receive it? Or, give it? Focus on that feeling SLAYER, and look for that love inside yourself, it may just start with you imagining how it feels with others and imagining that within. It starts with a spark and if you continue to feed it, that spark becomes a burning flame.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Motherly Things

Today is Mother’s Day, and we honor our all of our Mom’s on their special day, but we also honor those women in our lives who do motherly things. Those women who go above and beyond to share themselves with us, who listen when we need an ear, and who step in when they see a motherly act is needed, or would be appreciated. None of these women needs to do this, they are not obligated to step in at times when our own Mothers may not be available, able to give us what we need, or, just see that we need a little extra motherly love. Sometimes too, we find a special bond with these women, that even though they may not be family, they become our chosen family, or they may be family, an Aunt or other relative, who we’ve connected with in a special way. These women don’t have a day dedicated to them, and most of them would tell you they don’t need one, but it’s on a day like today that we can also honor all that they do for us, and perhaps, what we also do for them.

Relationships aren’t a one way street, or they shouldn’t be, there should always be an exchange, and even when we feel we have nothing to give, we may be giving enough just by receiving what they have to offer. Acceptance is a great gift to give, and one we hope to all have. We hope to be accepted for who we are, but we also hope that what we give is accepted in the hopes that what we give may make someone else’s day better or brighter. Those things can be as simple as a smile, a wave, a hello, or remembering someone’s name next time you see them, it’s about letting someone in, even for a moment, and letting them know they are important. Those motherly women in our lives know this, and make us feel special time and again with their warmth and generous spirit. They make us laugh, they let us cry, they check in on us when we get quiet and they know when to give us our space. They can be the unsung heroes of our lives coming in to save the day or just adding something special when we need it most.

I have been lucky enough to have had these women in my life, I am also blessed to still have my Mother, but it’s always nice, no matter what city I am in, to have women in my life who stepped in and shown my motherly love. It took me a while to accept it, and trust it. When I started this journey I didn’t trust women, quite honestly, I didn’t trust myself, so I had to learn to open up and let women into my life, I always had a small group of female friends, but aside from my inner circle, learning to trust was something I had to work at, that meant first trusting the right women, and trusting myself to find them. It wasn’t just about what looked good on the outside, I had to look for the qualities I was working on finding or achieving myself, women I could look up to, women who understood where I had come from and where I wanted to go, women I had things in common with, and women I could share with no matter how bad I thought things were. And, those women were out there, I did find them, and still do today, and as a result, of walking along those incredible women I too have been thanked for my motherly advice or caring, something that never would have happened before, but it’s because of those motherly women who taught me to think outside of myself, to look for the next right thing and to stay present, that I am able to offer that to other women who may need that today.

As we celebrate our Moms, let’s not forget those motherly women who share themselves with us and enrich our lives. Salute them and let them know just how much what they do means to you and how they’ve impacted your life and maybe, as a result, you’ve impacted someone else’s because of the example they’ve given you. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you have women in your live who do motherly things? Who are they? What do they do? What do you they mean to you? How can you show your appreciation for what they do? How has their love changed or helped you? Have you been able to share that love, wisdom and knowledge with others? How? Do you look for opportunities to do motherly things for those who may need it or appreciate it? When we let love in there are many who step up to show us their love, and show us how to love, let’s show them how much we appreciate that love today but showing them love in return for all they do.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay With Me In Person At The Screening Of My New Film

As I mentioned on SLAY TALK LIVE today, you can join me and rest of the amazing cast and crew for a screening of my new Christmas film July 27th in Long Island, NY. You can buy tickets to just the screening or tickets for the screening and the after party to celebrate with all of us!

Here’s a sneak peek!

To buy tickets go to: IVY & MISTLETOE Tickets

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(Photos courtesy of Candice T. Cain of Gemelli Films)

Getting There, Not Being Here

We all want to get to where we’re going, even if we don’t know where that is. We seem to want to get there even faster when we do know where we want to go and have been working to get there. We can get so focused on the finish line that we miss all of the days and moments in between, and may miss all those milestones we pass along the way that we should be acknowledging, celebrating and appreciating as we travel the journey to where we are meant to be.

I used to be guilty of this. I was so focused on what I wanted to accomplish that I had blinders on and would focus so much that I couldn’t see anything else, and was closed off to anything else other than where I wanted to get to. The trouble with living like that is that we are living the future, we’re not present and taking in life around us as we go. We can miss a lot when live this way, I know I did, and there could be many signs around us every day that we may actually be on the wrong path, but if we’re only open to seeing the the end result we want to see, we’ll never see those signs, good, or bad, and we’ll keep barreling along, perhaps in the wrong direction. For me, I also was so focused on the destination I wanted to get to because I was trying to force it into being by sheer willpower, and I used that drive to get to where I wanted to go to escape from what was really going on in my life. I thought, if I focused so much on where I wanted to go I wouldn’t have time to see where I actually was, and that the place I was at may actually prohibit me from ever reaching the goals and my dreams. That’s one vicious circle. It wasn’t until I made a commitment to live rigorously honest, and to stay present that I could really, truthfully, live in a way that honored where I currently was and what I was working towards at the same time. It also meant I needed to be flexible. To be open to new ideas and avenues and be willing to amend my plan because there might be something else out there that I hadn’t thought about or even knew about. Since walking this path my goals have shifted somewhat. There are things that remain the same, but because I’ve been open to new ideas and have said yes to things, so many more avenues have been revealed to me and have changed what gives me the most happiness. I wouldn’t have discovered any of those things if I had remained only focused on what I thought was going to make me happy or what I wanted to accomplish. Life will show you the way, if you are open to receiving it’s message.

Take time to look around each day and see what else may be out there, behind what you think you know already is. When you walk through life willing to take in new ideas and new goals you will be directed to where you are meant to be. There is so much more out there than what we can imagine in our minds, we only know what we’ve experienced so far, we don’t know what else is possible beyond that. Let others share their journey with you, be open to what may be out there, and work towards finding your best self, once you’re doing that, you are ready to reach those goals of your dreams. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Are you open to new ideas or do you stay fixated on where you think you want to go? If you’re not open to new ideas, what stops you? If you are open, how has your openness lead you to a place you never would have gotten to if you had continually said no? What have you accomplished that you hadn’t planned on, but because you were open find a new destination or goal to focus on you found another place for yourself? What have you taken a chance on and just said yes? What have you said no to that may have held you back? How can you still find your way to the place you may have meant to be when you said no? Allow yourself to enjoy the journey, there here and now, instead of just focused on where you want to be, because you’re never going to get somewhere by ignoring where you are right now.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Happiness and success depend on the child that you still carry within.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Inner Child

Would Little You Be Proud Of You Today

When I was little girl I used to dream about what I thought my life would be like. Now, it was things that I thought were what I should be dreaming about, and back then, that little ol’ me, didn’t know that what would make me most proud had nothing to do with “things,” but the person I could become and the ways I could share that with others. As I got older I started to feel disappointed in myself, in my eyes, I could never do things good enough or how I had imagined them in my head, I always fell short, and as I continued into adolescence, that disappointment turned to hate. I hated myself and started a very long journey of pretending to be who you wanted me to be, or who I thought you wanted me to be, to hide who I really was. I thought, if you knew the real me, you would hate me as much as I did, and as much as I would have told you back then that I didn’t care, I did care, because it was one thing for me to hate myself, but if you all did too, I didn’t think I could survive that. As a result, most of my actions were a result of the fear of that, and most of my actions abused that little girl full of dreams inside of me.

It wasn’t until I made a commitment to get better, many years later, that I started to think about that little me, and recognized that she was still in there and I had done a horrible job protecting and loving her. She was really beat up, that girl, and feeling small, and so part of my job in getting well was to show her the love I had neglected to give her most of my life, and to protect her, show her it was safe, and show her that I was not only able to love her, but love myself. It helped, on those difficult days, to think of her, that little me, sitting alone feeling vulnerable, I could see her there, so when I was battling those negative voices in my head that told me I wasn’t worth fighting for, I would say, maybe not, but she is and I’m going to fight for her.

As I got better she was less shy about coming out, she learned to trust me and when I would celebrate a milestone or overcome something that used to defeat me, she was always there to celebrate and cheer me on. And as I got more confident so did she, until we started working together and learning to love who we were. There are times on this journey that I have let her down, even hurt her, but the work I’ve done allows me to go back and find her and make things right.

My life has changed a lot over the past six months. I have a lot things in my life that I wasn’t sure I would ever have. Things that you can’t buy or easily find just because you want them because they come when you’re ready for them, when you are able to share your best self and honor who you are. I was reflecting on all the good in my life today and I thought about the little me inside of myself, and tears came to my eyes as I saw her smile and felt that she was proud of me, that this was the place she used to imagine and hope for, not only in terms of where I find myself in my life, but where I find myself, in place of self-love and acceptance. It’s been a long rocky road to get to this place, and I know, no matter where the journey goes from here, that if who I am and what I’m doing doesn’t make that little me proud, then I’m on the wrong path. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you think about the little you that’s inside of yourself? When you think of that person, what do you feel? Do you think that little you is proud of you today? If yes, why? If not, why? If you don’t think they are, what can you do to make them proud? To show them love? To let them know they’re safe? When you were that little person, what did you hope for for the future? Have those hopes and dreams materialized? If not, how can you work to get those things into your life? Find some time to check in with your little self and see if there is something you can do to make them proud today.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Talk To Your Younger Self

I’ve brought this up before, especially for those struggling with self-care and negative self-talk, to talk to your younger self, or care for your younger self, because sometimes it’s easier to start there, you wouldn’t treat that little you as harshly as you would the you of today. I’ve often thought about what I would say to myself, and I guess, by doing the speaking I do, I do get to do that in a sense. I get to share what I know now with those like myself who are perhaps still struggling, or just starting on their path. Whenever I am called on to speak in front of group, I always ask to myself before I begin, what would I want to hear. But, I think that’s a good approach in learning to talk to ourselves in a healthier and more positive way. What would you want to hear?

For me, I think back to the scared and unsure girl, so full of hopes and dreams, and not sure she had what it takes to get them, just wanting to escape, to be somewhere else, to hide. I think back to her, see her in my mind, and think about what I would say to her today, how I would care for her, what I would make sure she knew. But I can do that, because she is in me, she’s there, and it’s that little girl who I fight for every day. Who I protect. Encourage. Cheer on. And comfort. She is who I SLAY for. She is worth everything in the world. She is my heart.

So now, when I get in my head, when the negative self-talk kicks in, and it still does from time to time, I think about her, and I think about those negative things I’m saying to myself being said to her and it breaks my heart. That stops it for me. The puts it to an end.

I also talk to my younger self when I have self-doubt. I think back to the fear I had as a child and I think about what I would say to her now, and then I say it. Because no matter what my age is, that girl is still there, she’s fighting each day along with me, she’s laughing with me, she’s winning with me, and she’s losing with me. She’s doing it all. But she is the source of my shine, she radiates light at my core, her excitement, her love of adventure, her big heart, she is the life force that keeps me going. To do something to hurt her would kill my core self, my heart, my soul.

It is important to acknowledge and talk to our younger selves. When we get knocked down, it’s those younger selves who need comforting, who need to be picked up again and told it’s going to be OK. It’s our younger selves who can teach us the importance of self-care and self-love, and when we may feel it’s selfish, our younger selves remind us it is not. It is our younger selves who remind us who we truly are, before life got in the way and stripped us of that goodness and innocence, but we can regain that, only now we have some amour to protect it, and them. Let your younger self shine, celebrate them and who they are, because they, are we and our most pure. Never say anything to yourself you wouldn’t say to your younger self, care for, nurture, stand by those young versions of us, they are the key to everything we want and work for. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you talk to you younger self? If yes, what do you say? If not, have you ever thought about it? How do you feel about talking to your younger self? If you could say something, what would you say today? How would you protect your younger self? What can you do today to protect your younger self? Is self-care and self-love easier to practice when you visualize you saying and doing what you are to your younger self? Do it SLAYER. I challenge you to think about your younger self over the next week. Talk to them, care for them, remember what makes them so special and why they shine so bright, and remind yourself that that younger you lives inside of you, it is the center of who you are, so let that little light shine from your younger self and let it turn into beacon of hope, love, and your best you. Let your light shine.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Rock bottom has built more champions than privileged. Use the tough times to build strength, and knowledge for the next time.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Grow

 

You Don’t Have To Repeat The Past

Looking back before I stepped on to this path my life was a series of repetitious bad decisions. I kept doing the same things and expecting different results, the true definition of insanity. How were things going to change if I wasn’t? Well, they weren’t. I was proud of my stubbornness, and my ego was holding me back by telling me I knew better, it was all of you that were wrong. But in truth, I was stuck in a cycle that was never going to get me to where I wanted to go, I was so stuck I couldn’t even see where I could go, my blindfold of bad decisions kept me from seeing that I had other options, it was my choice to continue to make the same bad decisions over and over, even though I had the power to change that.

For me, it took things getting really bad before I was even open to the idea that it was possible for change. My best decisions brought me to a place where it literally was a matter of life and death that I make positive changes in my life, and, break the cycle. As we grow up we learn certain things, we pick up things we see, hear, and experience and start to build up who are we, what we stand for, and how we’re going to operate, and unless someone, or something, teaches us something different, we tend to stay stuck in those ways, sometimes for a lifetime. I was forced to find different ways to live, healthier, more positive ways, and even though it was tough to undo a lifetime of behaviors that no longer served me, in fact, probably never had, when I finally did, it was like that blindfold got lifted off my eyes and I saw a brand new world. Life is not something that happens to us, we have the choice in how we react to it, and how we choose to engage with it. We can hit the reset button at any time and choose not to repeat the past.

Let’s start here, make a list of the areas in your life that you are not happy with, not happy with any of it, write it all down in a column. Now, write next to each item how you can do things differently, even if it’s something you don’t want to do or it makes you squirm, just write it down. Now think about those things you’re not happy with, and visualize yourself taking the opposite action, visualize the result being different than it has been in the past. How does that make you feel when you think about it? How do you make that feeling a reality?

1) Take Action – it’s always about taking action. Make a conscious effort to make better choices for yourself and stick to it. Make yourself accountable for those actions. Call yourself out. When we are accountable and vocal about what we are working towards you are more likely to follow through.

2) Conquer Fear – let go of the fear of doing something different, or upsetting someone for not doing what’s expected. The only fear you should have is staying in the same place, staying stuck, but walking through fear to get to a better place is worth it, just do it and see what happens.

3) Know You Are Worth It – you are worth fighting for, your wants and needs are valid, so take the action you need to get it. Find your own self value and know that each step you take to make your life better is worth it, because you are. Believe you deserve the things you want.

4) Allow Yourself To Make Mistakes – we all make mistakes, especially when trying something new, so don’t quite or beat yourself when you make a mistake, or if it doesn’t go the way you had wanted it to. Keep going, keep moving forward. Learn from your mistakes, let them make you stronger, smarter, better, just keep going.

5) Recognize Your Victories – allow yourself to celebrate your wins. When we make changes for the better let yourself celebrate that, feel good about that, shine. We’re undoing years, or a lifetime, of old behavior, every victory, no matter how small, is a victory and a step in the right direction.

6) Write Down Your Progress – keep a journal so you can track your progress. Write down your wins and losses and the circumstances around them so you can see your own growth, or the areas where you keep stumbling, recognizing your patterns is going to give you the map that you need to navigate around them and to chart new courses of action.

7) Persistence – keep going, keep doing it, don’t celebrate so much that you fall back into old behaviors or think you can stand down and coast, it takes a lot of work to break a pattern, and a lot of repetitious behavior of doing the opposite of what you had been doing to make it stick, keep practising and keep moving forward. Be patient with yourself.

This is a lifetime practice of making changes for the good, as we grow and learn we will find new things to focus on, patterns to break, we start to fine-tune and hone our behaviors and lives so they work in conjunction with our hopes, dreams, and goals, not against them. I can assure you it is possible, I am proof, it just takes a desire to do so, and some work. Roll up your sleeves SLAYER.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you see negative or unhealthy patterns in our life? What course of action can you take to change them? Why haven’t you in the past? Are these patterns serving you? My guess is not if you are listing them as unhealthy or negative. How can you make the changes you need to make to break your patterns and live a healthier more positive life? Write them down. Start to make a conscious decision SLAYER to take action in these areas, to do the right thing for you, and to make the changes you need to start a new cycle, a cycle that allows you live a life you want, and one your are proud of. SLAY on.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! The people who care are the ones who love you, who are aware and concerned, not the ones who want you around only to make themselves happy. Surround yourself with people who celebrate and support you for being you!

Choose wisely SLAYER.

State Of Slay Positive