well-being

Feeling Your Feelings

Before stepping on this path I never wanted to feel. Good, bad, anything. It hurt too much to feel the bad, and I didn’t think I deserved the good. So I looked for ways to stuff down my feelings, to quiet them, or if I could, numb them all together. I lived like that for the first 35 years of my life. When I think about all the things I was supposed to be feeling in those 35 years it makes me sad, because for the most part, I didn’t allow myself to feel any of it. I also didn’t share those feelings with anyone, so they just got stuffed down, feelings on top of feelings in a big heap I tried to bury as deep as I could. If anyone asked me how I was, I would always respond with, I’m fine, I wasn’t, and even that lie generated feelings I had to stuff down. The more I did it, the easier it got, but it always weighed me down as I dragged those unfelt feelings around with me and tried to pretend like they weren’t there.

When I made a commitment to get better I was also making a commitment to feel. That was scary. I had spent my whole life running away from my feelings, and now, having taken away everything I used to use to cover up my feelings I felt like I was standing alone completely vulnerable to a lifetime of pain that was coming at me like a giant tsunami and I wasn’t prepared. But what that taught me was how to get prepared. Making sure I had as many life rafts as possible, so when that wave hit, I had places to go for safety. I found that in counseling, support groups, new friends who were walking the same path, and old friends who knew me and my history, and, I found a spirituality that worked for me, that I began to find comfort in, and eventually guidance. It was hard to feel, at first, and because I had stuffed down so much for so long, it all came at me at once. Loss, grief, betrayal, disappointment, hurt, shame, abandonment, truth. All of that and more came at me, so much so there were days I didn’t want to get out of bed, and held on to my mattress to make sure I wouldn’t get blown away by the force of those waves.

I made it through that storm. It took time. And sometimes I did get knocked down by the waves, but I learned to get back up. And each time I did I got stronger, and I was better able to work through my feelings. I used to have trouble feelings things in the moment , a dear of mine would often tell me I had emotional jet lag, I wouldn’t’ feel things as they were happening, from all the years of not letting myself feel, there was a delay, from the event or moment itself, to when I actually felt it. That delay has lessened a lot, and today I do feel things when they happen, most of the time, there are still times when I don’t, and now I just observe those times and look into why I may be trying to protect myself from my feelings, and why I’ve held my feelings back.

I am proud today that I feel things in the moment. And if that brings up emotion, even in public, that’s OK. I am allowed to have feelings, no matter what they are, and I honor myself, and who I am, when I do. It’s OK to have feelings. And it’s OK to share those feelings. Because when we do they connect us to other people who also feel, and may just be feeling what you’re feeling, and when that happens, there is no better feeling in the world. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you allow yourself to feel? In not, why not? What scares you about your feelings? Have you been told not to feel? Have you stuffed down your feelings so deep that you can’t access them anymore? Do you do things to keep them stuffed own? What do you do to not feel? What if you stopped doing those things that stop you from feeling? What do you think would happen? What if you let yourself feel SLAYER, what if you made sure it was safe, found the support and guidance you need, and let yourself feel. You deserve to let go of your past and feel true feelings, and let those feelings connect you to others who feel just like you, allowing you to not feel so alone and able to be your true self in any given moment. Feel it SLAYER, let yourself feel it.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! It’s not what happens to you that determines your future, it’s what you do about it.

New blog goes up on Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Become

Slay Slay

Good morning SLAYER! You are the author of your own story, don’t like the story, change the narrative.

New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Story 2

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Sometimes what you are most afraid of is the very thing that will set you free.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Set Free

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! No matter how low you may feel, someone else out there feels lower, and your light, even though it may feel dim, may be as bright as the sun to someone in need. Shine bright.

New bog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Storm (1)

Let Your Heart Shine

We lost a bright star yesterday. As I was in the air, traveling, my Uncle passed away. I’ve spoken about him before, on SLAY TALK LIVE, he had been battling cancer for the past 9 years, and yesterday he found his rest from that battle. What I will carry with me moving forward, and forever in my heart, is how he changed when he was first diagnosed. I imagine a cancer diagnoses must feel like a death sentence, that immediate shock and the reality setting in, although there are many survivors, some of whom I count as friends, but it would be easy to feel defeated, or to retreat from life when you feel like perhaps you don’t have much of it left to live. My Uncle Mel, was not one of those people.

He didn’t have an easy life, and he wasn’t always the man I came to know during his fight, that is the miraculous thing about Uncle Mel, he allowed something that could easily perceived as negative and let it turn him into someone so full of light, so full of love, and he let it fill him with such a desire and drive to make other people’s days brighter, that I believe, it kept him going, for years, as he continued to fight various forms of cancer. I always called him a superhero, and he would laugh, he would say, “I’m just doing what the good Lord shows me to do.” He had a strong faith, and it was that faith that he relied on as his journey was coming to an end. He found a peace with it, and made the most of his time here with us all.

He said this to me a number of times, but the last time we spoke he said that I had permission to tell his story, to share who we was, because it might help someone else. So, today, as I write this with tears in my eyes, I know it’s important to do just that, for me, for anyone who may need it, and for him.

I look at his journey and it reminds me that even in the face of adversity we can still share our light and our heart. We always have something to offer to someone who may be sicker, or feeling even lower than we do, or who just might need a friend. No matter where we are, we always have value, and have the ability to share our best selves. My Uncle never became his best self, I believe, until he started to share it, until he started to give away the light he had to give and was able to light the way for many others as they walked in their own struggle, or darkness. I believe that fire, that light, is what kept him going the past 9 years, and it lit the way for many others.

I talk a lot here at STATE OF SLAY of holding a torch for one another, so when we may find ourselves in the dark, there is always a light to find your way home. I believe that because Uncle Mel held his torch for so many, that yesterday, he saw that light and made his way home.

We have a choice, each day, to live our lives in the darkness, or to shine bright, and it may feel safer in the dark, especially if that is all we’ve known, or we feel we don’t deserve the light, but we are meant to be in the light, not only for ourselves, but so we can share it with others, and when we do not only do we bring light to those around us, but our light gets brighter. I know there will be a bright star shining in the night sky tonight, and that star is my Uncle, his star will continue to shine from above, lighting the way for us here, and as a reminder when we look up, that there is something beautiful up there, watching over us in the darkness of the night. Shine on my SLAYERS!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you allow yourself to shine or do you dim that shine? If you do dim your shine, why do you do that? How does it help you? How does it hurt you? How can you share that light with someone in your life who may need it? Write down a time when you may have felt you had nothing to offer, but were able to make someone’s day brighter. How did that make you feel? Did you feel brighter? You did, didn’t you SLAYER? Always let your light shine, even if it’s just a small flicker of a flame, when you share that flame with someone else, that flame starts a fire, and warms all who are within it’s reach. SLAY on!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Never hide who you are, never stay quiet when you want to share, never be anyone than who you are.

New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Hide 1

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Stand tall in who you are, share your true self, and look for those who appreciate you, just as you are.

SLAY on!

State Of Slay Gift (1)

To Be Seen And Heard Is A Wonderful Thing

As I child I always felt invisible. I felt awkward, different, less than, and I always tried to blend in with my surroundings, I didn’t want to stand out. I just wanted to appear as normal, because I didn’t feel normal. I don’t know what I basing that on, what normal was, I just know that I didn’t feel I was. I hoped to just fade into the background when I was at school. I always had friends, but stayed within smaller groups, or one on one friendships over the bigger crowds. I just didn’t want a lot of eyes on me, asking questions.

I traveled through my childhood like that until high school, when I discovered the drama club, a place where I cold go hide, on the stage, and just be someone else. I didn’t mind being seen and heard in that place, because I got to be someone else there, and that seemed safe. I started to take those characters, those people I played out in life, I pretended to be who I thought you wanted to be, again, a way to be invisible in plain sight, because no one ever saw the real me, including myself. It wasn’t until I hit my bottom, until I asked for help, and started the work to make that happen that I was asked to share who I truly was. That terrified me, who the heck was I anyway? I found a group of people who I knew wouldn’t judge me, who, like me, where finding their way out of the dark, and it was in that safe place that I learned who I really was, and I learned, it was OK to share that I didn’t know when I didn’t. But as I started to find out and I started to truly share my authentic self it felt good to be seen and heard.

Many of us walk around feeling invisible, even in a crowded room, I remember what that feels like. In my case it was a choice, because I was afraid you wouldn’t like me, because I didn’t like myself, but for some, you are there, screaming, jumping up and down, trying to get our attention, and for some reason you are not seen. Maybe you’re picking the wrong people to wave your arms at, maybe you’re not speaking as loud as you think, maybe people are just missing you, right in front of them. Really, at the end of the day, we all just want to be seen and heard, for who we are, truly, and have that be acknowledged, and ideally, appreciated, but just the acknowledgment can sometimes be enough. It’s hard to find our voice sometimes, it may have been shamed into silence by someone, or ourselves, and we can’t seem to get it back. Or maybe we never had it, and now struggle to find the words to express who we are and what we need. Well, I am here to say that I see you and I hear you because I was you. And I know that that little voice you may have today can turn into a loud one, just as mine did. It takes you just sharing it. Sharing it as much as you can with those who will listen, appreciate and encourage you to continue to get louder, braver more authentically you.

We all want to feel like we matter, and we all do. But let us know you’re there. Speak up, tell us who you are, live out loud, because you have something special to offer us, you, who you are is special and we should know that. That also goes for you out there who are struggling right now, suffering or grieving, we also want to acknowledge you, we want to hear from you and we want to listen to you. The greatest gift we can give anyone is the acknowledgment of who they are and how they feel. We all deserve to be seen and heard, something to remember when we step out today and walk among each other this busy world, acknowledge those around you, and let yourself be acknowledged as well. It’s a wonderful thing. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you allow people to see you or do you try to stay hidden in the shadows? Why do you do that? What scares you about letting people in? Are these fears based on facts in your current life, or from your past? Are these things you can overcome today? How can you do that? Have you overcome them in the past? How did you do that? How do you feel when someone acknowledges you? Do try to acknowledge others? How does that make you feel when you see how that acknowledgment is appreciated by others? It feels good right? So why not give yourself the same gift, and allow others to see and hear you, just as you are? Do it SLAYER, we want to see and hear just how special you are.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Do what gives you joy, for no other reason than just that.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Joy