Good morning SLAYER! When you choose to see the good in others, you end up finding it in yourself.
New blog goes up Tuesday, until then… SLAY on!
truth
Slay Say
Good morning SLAYER! Don’t be afraid of asking the questions, be afraid of not asking them.
New blog goes up Sunday, until then… SLAY on!
When We Know The Answers We Are Safe
Before walking this path I was afraid of the truth. I was either to fearful to ask the questions I should have been asking or I let my ego tell me I already knew the answers before asking them. Either way, not asking the questions was unsafe. Most of the time I was too afraid to ask them because I always thought the worst, or had done something that someone may have found out, or just thought of myself as an unlovable and worried that others had figured that out too. I walked around with a lot of question marks, and a lot of knots in my stomach. My solution, back then, was magical thinking, that somehow I could just wish the answers I wanted into being, and I would look for tiny bits of evidence to back up the answers I wanted to believe were true until I could collect enough to almost convince myself they where, but really, I knew I was just seeing and hearing what I wanted to fit the narrative I wanted to tell. The truth scared me, probably because I wasn’t truthful back then, and it’s difficult to believe people are open and honest when you’re not with yourself, or asking for it from those around you.
When I made a commitment to get better I made a commitment to be rigorously honest with myself, and over time I began working with a counselor to help me put all the pieces together and help me get an accurate picture of my past, why I did the things I did, and who I actually was. When we talked about the people in my life and I didn’t have answers to the questions he was asking, those knots in my stomach would return and I would get nervous. I was asked why I wasn’t asking the questions I needed to know from those people, and I would retreat and say I didn’t know. The real answer finally came out, it was fear, I was afraid to ask people what their intentions where, who they were and who I was to them, I was afraid in the past because I, for the most part, wasn’t being honest or forthcoming about myself in those areas, so it made sense I had fear asking someone else to do the same. But what my counselor said to me, which I still live by today, is that when we know the answers we are safe, until we know what those answers are we are not safe because we don’t know the truth about the people in our lives. He had said that even if the answers are not what we want to hear, we then know the facts, and can make a decision about what is best for us. Once we have done that, we are safe. It made sense, but even though it made sense didn’t mean it was easy to put into practice at first, but the promise of safety got me motivated enough to start, and even though all of those answers weren’t what I wanted to hear, they allowed me to make decisions for myself that made me feel safe. And, I could then make informed decisions for myself that kept me safe and built up my self-respect and self-esteem.
Asking the questions we should be asking, especially when we invite someone new into our lives, isn’t’ always easy, but not asking, and not knowing, puts our well-being in jeopardy and may set ourselves up for heartache at our own hand. We can’t control if the answers we are getting are the truth, but sometimes just the act of asking will flush that truth out. Anyone worthy of being in our lives will be honest, and will appreciate our honesty in return, those who don’t may be giving you the answers you need just by their reaction. Never apologize for the answers you need to feel safe. SLAY on!
SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you ask the questions you should be asking to feel safe? If not, why not? What are you afraid of? List an example when you didn’t ask the questions you needed to and were hurt or disappointed as result. What can you do to make sure you’re asking the questions you need to? Don’t let fear stop you from taking the action you need to for your own emotional safety.
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you
Slay Say
Good morning SLAYER! Accountability turns pain into peace.
New blog goes up Friday, until then… SLAY on!
Slay Say
Good morning SLAYER! We are what we say and do, not what we intend to do.
New blog goes up Tuesday, until then… SLAY on!
People Show Us Who They Are
We’ve all heard the saying, “talk is cheap,” and I’ve found as I’ve moved forward on my journey that not only is it cheap, it has no value at all without proper action. Just saying something doesn’t make it true, right, or worth anything at all. It’s all in the action. People will tell us what they want us to hear, they will say what they think makes them look good, or to tell the narrative they want to tell, I know, I used to do all of those things, in fact, those were my three top reasons for speaking before taking responsibility for my own well-being and mental health, so I know from first hand experience. But there are good people out there, I would like to think that I am one of them, people who speak their truth, even if it’s not what may be popular or what someone wants to hear, people who are honest, caring, compassionate and willing to listen to someone else’s point of view, people who aren’t walking around with a secret agenda and consider anyone they meet just pawns in their latest scheme. No, there are people who can be trusted and confided in, and who speak with love in their hearts. But, it’s up to us to really listen and watch for those people, and not get fooled by the ones who may not be transparent in their intentions.
When I made a commitment to live my life with rigorous honesty I had to pull the curtain back on my bad behavior from my past. I had to live my life with integrity and learn to speak my truth with confidence and without fear of my perceived consequences. Part of that process for me was learning to trust myself, and learning to love myself enough to be true to my thoughts and intentions, and to be clear on what those intentions really were. That took some time. As I said, my intentions in the past were murky at best, there was usually some self-serving reason behind it, even when I masked it behind charity or doing something for someone else, I was always looking to get something out of it. So to shed all of that and to work to live only with good intentions, and not just for myself, and to be open and clear about those intentions, I felt pretty exposed. This was an area where that rigorous honesty came in, what were my true intentions? And, if they weren’t true, I was not allowed to engage. That put the breaks on some things. But putting my actions through that filter kept me honest, and it kept me on the right track, it also caused me to start looking at the people I was choosing to engage with and what their intentions really where, and had me questions if I really knew, and instead of just watching myself and how I was going to manipulate the situation, I was now really watching and listening, and learning what those intentions and who those people really where. Sometimes it took me more than a few times to really believe what I was seeing and hearing, and having been hurt by those times when I chose not to believe my own eye and ears, I started to believe faster. People do always show us who they are and many times we excuse it away, or we give them the benefit of the doubt, instead of taking them at face value. Now, that’s not to say we can’t misunderstand, or give people another chance, but we typically do know, we get that feeling, when something isn’t right, and it’s up to us to trust that feeling and heed it as a warning.
My life expanded a lot over the past year, I made some big moves and changes, and that’s always a time to reflect back, and in doing so I can see where I may have gotten fooled, but I also see where I did not believe what someone was showing me and as a result got hurt. Moving forward through this year and new people coming into my life I will not make that same mistake, some leeway was made, but ultimately what I’ve been shown is who they are, and who they are is not who they presented themselves to be, so, as someone who continues to practice rigorous honesty and engaging with people who I can trust, honor and respect, I need to protect myself from these people for my own recovery and mental health, and as sad as that feels, it also feels good, that I know I’m worth more than lies, manipulation and misleading intentions, and I know how to spot the truth.
As we move through our lives we encounter many people, some good, and some, well, not so good. It us up to us to be honest with who we are and what we want, and to believe people when they show us who they are in return. Words can be deceiving, but actions always tell the truth. SLAY on!
SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you believe people when they show you who they are or do you tend to make excuses for them? If you make excuses and choose not to believe them, what is typically the result? Have you been one of those people in the past who may have not been forthcoming with your true intentions? Why do you think that was? Are you still that person? What scares you from living your truth? What can you do to be more honest? What can you do spot when someone else isn’t being honest with you? The signs are always there SLAYER, you just have to believe them, take them at face value and make a choice whether you will continue to engage under those circumstances or not. As you continue to practice rigorous honesty in your own life, you may find that you become more in-tuned with the truth of what’s around you.
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you
Too Content With Your Misery
When I was living in the dark I didn’t want to be there but it was what I had known for many years and I found comfort in the familiarity of it. It felt safe, because it was what I knew, but it was anything but. I knew I would eventually die there but it felt too scary to try to leave. I wrapped that darkness around me like like a cloak, and told myself it protected me, but it only protected me from getting well.
It took a lot for me to reach out for help and to take the action I needed to actually get well. There had been many times I had wished to get well, or hoped for it, and even looked into it, but it would always stop there, short of actually taking the action needed. Just wanting something wasn’t enough to make it so, and, truthfully, I wasn’t ready to let go of my misery for happiness, joy and freedom. That, today, sounds crazy to me, but at the time it made perfect sense. Why put myself out there, launch myself into the unknown, where I don’t know what’s going to happen, or how people are going to react, when I can stay here in my misery and know exactly how things will go and how I’m perceived. I had to reach a point where I was no longer content to sit in my misery, and I was fortunate to sit in it long enough to get uncomfortable there.
My discomfort in my misery felt like a betrayal, after all, I had devoted most of my life to that place, and then to find myself uncomfortable and in fear of staying there, I felt like my best friend had turned on me. That fear of staying there, and the realization that it would ultimately be my demise was far great than the fear of stepping out of my misery for something different, and, possibly something better. And so I did. It was extremely uncomfortable at first, and I had to throw out everything I had known from my past to forge a new beginning and a new life. I had to let go of all the romanticizing I had done about my misery and that dark place, I had to stop justifying it, and thinking of it as safe, it wasn’t, and I had to trust where I was being guided and the guidance I was being given and learn to walk one step at a time in this new light. I learned that my misery was not just unique to me, that many others shared in it and my misery became an outlet for me to heal and connect with others who were doing the same. Sharing our misery made us feel less lonely and part of a group of people doing what was best for us, it gave us strength and power to keep going and through each other and the work we were each doing, I began to find myself content there, in the light, the misery seemed like a cold place I didn’t want to return to, my concept of content was changing.
Today I live in the light. The darkness still creeps in from time to time, but it doesn’t feel good when it does, and, it’s a sign to me that I’m not doing what I have learned to do to keep it at bay, I’ve left a door open somewhere and it’s up to me to close it. I have no desire to return to my misery, even though I know it’s out there waiting for me, trying to convince me to come back, but I know better, there’s nothing for me there, nothing but, well, misery. I live in the light today and my life is more than I ever could have imagined sitting alone in the dark, it took that leap of faith, courage and humility to step out from the darkness and seek the light, and it was worth every moment, every amount of work and uncomfortableness I felt to get me to where I am today.
Today I am someone I am proud of, I am someone who is honest, and caring, strong, courageous and compassionate, and I’ve learned that to be any of those things, and all of those things, I have to be them myself before I can see them in others, or encourage them in others, I need to identify them in me, and believe in them for myself so I can identify them in all of you. What it all comes down to is not where you are comfortable, but where you can thrive, be your best self, and share your light with others, and sometimes that means getting out from that place you feel content for a new place that challenges you but you are drawn to because you know it is where you are meant to be and deserve to be. Let go of your misery and let in the possibility of your own happiness. SLAY on!
SLAY OF THE DAY: Are you too content in your misery? Why do you think that is? Is it the only place you’ve ever known? Have you ever stepped out of your misery? How did that feel? Why did, or do, you go back? What does it look like outside of that place? Why don’t you stay there? What’s keeping you in your misery? What do you have to lose by giving it up? Do it SLAYER! Let go of your misery for what else you may find out there, for what you can be, and what you can have in your life that you deny yourself by staying in your misery. Take that leap of faith like I did, there are many of us that have, and we’re all cheering you on.
S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you
Slay Say
Good morning SLAYERS! Maybe it’s not about fixing something that is broken, maybe it’s about creating something better.
SLAY on!
Slay Say
Good morning SLAYER! When you own your own story you can write a brave new ending.
New blog goes up Friday, until then… SLAY on!
Slay Say
Good morning SLAYERS! Life can be bumpy, but it’s leading somewhere.
New blog goes up Tuesday, until then… SLAY on!
