slayer

When Sorry Isn’t Enough

OK, we’ve all said it when we didn’t really mean it, when it would make us look good, we wanted something, or just wanted someone to go away, but, sorry isn’t good enough, even if we do mean it, what we need to do is amend the behavior that caused the incident in the first place. All too often we throw out ‘I’m sorry” without giving it much thought, like putting a band-aid on something without treating the wound. What we really should be doing is striving to do better, and to amend what got us there in the first place.

This falls under a lot of the things I’ve already talked about, was it acceptance, did we not accept a person or situation, did we manipulate, lie, or steal, or is it our people picker, is our “people picker” still off and we chose to get involved with someone who is not honoring our authentic selves or the way we’re living our lives, did our expectations get us in trouble, did we have expectations around something or someone and felt let down, what were our intentions, were our intentions true, and did we get the facts to find out what the other person’s intentions where? All of these things, and more, can get us in sticky situations that may need to be corrected, but sorry isn’t enough.

Sorry to me is something you say when you bump into someone, or speak over them by mistake, not in situations that involve decisions we’ve made or situations we’ve chosen to participate in. If we’ve made a conscious decision to engage and we’ve messed up we need to make an amends, not just say sorry.

So, what is the difference? Making an amends to someone, or yourself, is making a commitment to do better in the future, to work on not getting yourself in that situation as you move forward, and to repair any damage you may have caused. Sounds heavy right? Well, here’s the deal, it may sound like heavy lifting but what it truly does is lighten the load. Making an amends to someone is really the gold medal of apologies because it not only says “I’m sorry” but it takes it one step further by saying, “and here’s what I plan to do about it.” An amend takes action! And, that’s what we’re all about SLAYERS, taking positive action in our lives. I have seen firsthand in my own life how, seemingly irreparable relationships, or situations become not only fixed, but stronger after an amends. It can be scary to stand in front of someone and say, “I messed up, I’m sorry my actions caused, x, y, or z, but, here’s what I’m going to do about it.” But, I’ve seen miracles happen. Now, in making this declaration at no point do we make excuses for our behavior, we, using the “just the facts Ma’am” approach, declare what our part was, and then what we feel we can do to make it better. We also don’t point fingers at anyone else, remember, we are in charge of our own lives, who we are, what we feel, and what we do, so it’s not anyone else’s fault but our own if we messed up, and we all mess up, it’s how we deal with it after that makes us SLAYERS, or slackers. It’s about keeping our side of the street clean. We’ve worked hard on our streets, we don’t want to run around throwing garbage all over it.

Now, there might be times that we cannot, or should not, make an amends, oh, now I got your attention now, those of you looking for a way out, but we should not make an amends if it will hurt or do damage to the other person or persons involved, there’s a special amends for those things, a living amends. In those cases you can make an amends to yourself and make the commitment to yourself to change that behavior, continue to do better while moving forward. We may also find ourselves where we are not able to make an amends to someone because they are unreachable or have passed on, again a living amends works in those circumstances too, and, what I’ve done in the past is written a letter to that person then burned it to let it go.

No one is perfect, but a SLAYER doesn’t back away when ownership of a mistake needs to be taken, we stand up, explain what was done, and we take responsibility to do it right the next time. SLAY on.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Write down the names and situations where you think you owe an amends. Is there a person or institution you own an amends to? Are you hesitant to do it? Why? Next the names you’ve written down, what can you do, moving forward, to better the situation that has you owing an amends? Make a commitment to watch out for those as you move forward and instead of repeating it, do the next right thing.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slayer Say

Good morning SLAYER!  Learning to celebrate our flaws, loving them, and turning them into strengths makes us flawsome! We have the power to do that. Loving ourselves and embracing our uniqueness gets us on the road to flawsomeness, as we continue to accept and love ourselves we work towards finding a place where we stop judging ourselves and start to shine, and that, is true perfection!

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Flawsome

I’m Not Perfect, I’m Flawsome!

The photo that accompanies this post is one I never thought I’d share.

I’ve had it since 2003, and aside from the person who took it, I showed it to only one other person for years. Before I stepped onto this journey, there was no way I would have let anyone see it. In truth, it’s taken me more than a decade of healing to feel ready to share it at all.

That photo isn’t a picture of someone who had it together.
It isn’t the version of me I worked so hard to present to the world.

It’s a picture of a woman in pain.
In fear.
Holding on by a thread.

I look at her now and I recognize her immediately. She’s still inside me. But today, I feel compassion for her instead of shame. I understand what she was carrying. I understand why she was afraid. And I appreciate her—because she didn’t stay there.

She kept going.

And that’s what made her flawsome.

What Flawsome Really Means to Me

Flawsome isn’t pretending we don’t have flaws.
It’s not polishing them up or hiding them better.

Flawsome is learning to celebrate them.

It’s letting go of the impossible standard of perfection and choosing something real instead. Because perfection doesn’t exist—and chasing it only keeps us stuck in self-judgment.

Flawsome is turning the parts of yourself you once hated into sources of strength. It’s living authentically, loving yourself fully, and recognizing that who you are—right now—is already worthy.

Perfection isn’t attainable.
But flawsomeness is.

How I Learned to Become Flawsome

This didn’t happen overnight.

It came from learning who I actually am, not who I thought I needed to be. From loving myself unconditionally—even the parts I wanted to reject. From letting my freak flag fly instead of trying to tuck it away.

And yes, it came from forgiveness. Again.

Forgiving myself for the choices I made when I didn’t know better.
Forgiving myself for the years I spent believing I was unlovable.
Forgiving myself for thinking my flaws made me less-than.

Letting go of that judgment freed me in ways I never expected.

Loving Yourself Is the Work

I had to learn to look at myself with love—the same love I so easily offered to others.

To stop living in the past, replaying mistakes that couldn’t be undone.
To stop living in the future, chasing a version of myself I thought I had to become.

The only place healing actually happens is now.

I learned to focus on what I’m good at. To celebrate my strengths instead of obsessing over what I thought was broken. To build on my talents and share them with others.

One of the most powerful parts of being flawsome is letting other people see it. When we own who we are, we give others permission to do the same.

The Woman in That Photo Didn’t Stay There

There’s nothing flawsome about the woman in that photo—except this:

She didn’t give up.

With every bit of strength she had, she fought for herself. She started a journey toward healing and self-love. It wasn’t pretty. It wasn’t fast. And yes, she put herself through hell for years after that picture was taken.

But she got there.

And now, that woman is me—writing these words.

That’s flawsome.

If You’re Struggling Right Now

If you’re feeling lost, empty, beaten down, or hopeless—please hear this:

Today can be the first day of the rest of your life.

You don’t need to have it all figured out. You just need to decide that you’re worth fighting for. The journey won’t be easy, but I promise you—it’s worth every step.

And you don’t walk it alone.

You have all of us SLAYERS walking beside you.

So go out there today and be flawsome.

SLAY Reflection

Let’s reflect, SLAYER:

S: What parts of yourself have you labeled as flaws?
L: How have those “flaws” actually shaped your strength or resilience?
A: What would change if you looked at yourself with compassion instead of judgment?
Y: How can you begin turning what you’ve judged into something flawsome?

Make a commitment today to stop judging yourself. When something comes up that you usually criticize, pause. Smile. Ask yourself how you can respond with love instead.

You’re learning.
Be kind to yourself on the way to SLAYDOM.
And never forget—you are flawsome.

 

Slayer Say

Good Morning SLAYER! When our intentions are in the right place, and we know what other people’s intentions are, we are less likely to cause or run into problems because of miscommunication or lack thereof. Make sure you let your intentions be known and don’t be afraid to ask what someone else’s are. Everyone has their own reasons for getting involved and when you know the facts, you are safe.

New blog goes up Sunday…until then, SLAY on!

State Of Slay Intentions

Intentions: The Truthseeker

Oh yeah, there’s no hiding from this one. Intentions. Just as important as it is to know someone else’s intentions it is also important to know our own, and to own it! Before stepping foot on this journey my intentions were always self seeking, they were, looking back it was always all about me because I was the victim, I was the one wronged who was owed something from life, and even though I would twist my intentions in my mind and always have a favorable answer to make myself look better, the truth of the matter was, my intentions were always self motivated, whether to try to manipulate the outcome or to tear someone else down to make myself look and feel better. Yup. Pretty huh? But, that’s the honest truth. The good news is I’m not that person anymore, and neither or you. When we decided to walk on a path of self love and living as our authentic selves we left our old selves behind, and even though they may run up behind us sometimes wanting in on the action, and sometimes might even get in on the action, we now have the power to tell them to take off, we don’t need them anymore, and quite frankly, they’re dimming our light!

Intentions can be tricky, especially when the heart or ego get involved, we may tell ourselves we have the best of intentions but we have to look at the cold hard facts. I’ve mentioned before that feelings aren’t facts, feelings like to come in and muddy up our thinking, and they’re really convincing at times and talk a good game, but what we need to do is ask them to step aside, they’ll probably get their feelings hurt, they’re feelings, that’s what they do, but what we need to to do is look at the facts of the situation. Whenever we are in doubt, we need to ask ourselves, what are my intentions in wanting to do this, or for doing it? If they are self-seeking, manipulative, or damaging to us or anyone else, stop, do not proceed, step back and take a breath. You should not be doing what you are doing. If you are doing something only to get a response, stop. Do not proceed. Step back and take a breath. You should not be doing what you are doing. For example, if you are telling someone you love them just because you want or expect them to say it back, your intentions are off, you should only be telling someone you love them because, well you love them, and you want them to know it, regardless of how it’s received or if it’s returned or not. Those are the right intentions. On this path we should only be doing things we want to do, because we want to do them, OK, there are some things we don’t want to do, taxes being one of them, but that’s something we are required to do by law, so do that, but I’m talking about the choices we make every day to engage with other people, who we engage with, what we decide to get involved with, those acts, acts of “charity,” friendship, love, encouragement, etc, all of those things that can be disguised as good things, but can have ulterior motives. Be honest with yourself. Why do you want to do those things? Why do you want to get involved with that person or group? Why are you volunteering? If your intent is because you want to do it and not because of the result or how you could benefit, then you have the right intention. Anything else, abandon ship. Living as our authentic selves we want to keep “our side of the street clean,” to be honest and transparent with those people in our lives, it’s how we cultivate trust, and if we can trust ourselves with our intentions, we can start to trust others, and trust that we are also picking the right people and situations in our lives. A part of that, and the second part to intentions, is knowing, or asking what the other persons intentions are. I know, scary right? But, here’s what we’ve already talked about, when we know the facts, we are safe.

If we are clear on someone else’s intentions then we know why the other person is involved with us or the situation, and what they are willing to contribute, and if that isn’t in line with what our intentions are, then a conversation needs to happen, and perhaps, things shouldn’t move forward from there. I, myself, used to get into many awkward, or angry, situations because I would “assume” that everybody had the same intentions that I did, or knew mine, without ever asking or expressing them. As much as we are not mind readers, neither is anyone else. Speak your truth! You may not always hear what you want to hear, but at least you know the truth, then you can make the best decision for yourself. You are safe.

Intentions can be difficult, cunning at times, but if we are honest about why we’re doing something, and have the courage and self respect to ask others what their intentions are, we don’t run the risk of problems or disappointments down the road. We also don’t carry around guilt or are deceiving others about why we are really there. What are your intentions?

SLAY OF THE DAY: Before you agree to do something or take on a new project, do you ask yourself what your intentions are? Are they self-seeking or manipulative? Are you hoping to get something out of it? Are you afraid to ask others what their intentions are? Why? Do you do things to look good to others? Why do you do that? My challenge to you SLAYER, is to do something nice for someone today without them knowing about it, or telling anyone else what you’ve done, if they find out, or you tell it doesn’t count and you have to try again. SLAY on!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slayer Say

Good Morning SLAYER! Learning to take care of your own needs is the ultimate expression of self love, when you show yourself respect and honor yourself you are better able to share that love, honor, and respect with others, and it gives you a strong foundation to handle what life throws at you. Self love is like a spell of protection from the outside world, it cushions us from life and all it’s bumps and scrapes, it gives us strength, and it teaches us a gentleness, bringing us a new-found compassion for who we are and honoring were we’ve been.

New blog goes up Friday, until then….SLAY on.

State Of Slay Self Care

Self Care: H.A.L.T.

Self care, I had no idea what that meant before I started this journey. What the heck was self care? Dodging those people I didn’t want to see, or had skipped out on? Sleeping off the night before? Yelling at someone so they would leave me alone and stop asking so many questions? That was my kind of self care before I started to love myself. Every day we wear a lot of hats, and it’s easy to put other people’s needs ahead of our own, and, it is nice to give back or do something for someone else, but we can’t forget to do something nice for ourselves, or even better, make it more than one thing, and a priority.

When I first set out on this path I hated myself, so the thought of being loving and kind to myself was a little tough to swallow, and having lived most of my life pretending to be who I thought you wanted me to be, I didn’t really know what to do to be kind and loving to myself and to give back to myself. Who was I? What did like? But I found as I started walking a path of learning who my authentic self was and learning to love that person I started to figure out what to do to show myself the love and respect that I would want from others, and to nurture the person inside of me who still believed she was less than.

That’s what it really is. It’s showing yourself that you matter, that your needs should also be met, and that with everything that we do every day, we need time to do something nice for ourselves and show ourselves we care, we need to recharge our batteries and put more fuel in the “I love myself” tank. We all run around with these ‘to-do’ lists, but we never seem to put ourselves on that list, we need to make sure, somewhere on that list, we write our own name down and make time to do something nice for ourselves, even on the busiest of days, even if it’s just singing out loud in your car to our favourite song, let your authentic self shine and show yourself love.

As I got more clarity, and found more self-love, I found ways to give back to myself, and I now make it a priority every day, and this also includes the things I’ve talked about before, making sure I’m eating properly, getting enough sleep, doing the things I need to do to give myself the best chance at success for my day, maybe sitting in silence to calm my nerves or thoughts, or reading something that helps me put things in perspective, lighting a candle, it’s about making sure I am doing what I can to put my best foot forward, all of that is also self-care, and self-love. When I find that my mind is racing and I’m feeling overwhelmed that is the first question I ask myself is, how am I doing in the self-care department, am I in H.A.L.T? I’ve mentioned H.A.L.T before, H.A.L.T stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. If I am any of those things I’m not in self care, I have neglected to do the things I need to do to face the day with a clear mind and the energy the I need to tackle my day.

Let’s get into H.A.L.T. Hungry, well, that is simple, if I’m hungry I need to eat, no excuses, I need to do it. My head turns to mud when I’m hungry, I can’t make decisions, and I become overly sensitive. Angry, well, I usually get angry at myself for not eating and for not being able to make decisions because I’m hungry, and then I overreact to things and get angry. Lonely, this will pop up if I have been isolating, not reaching out to friends and family and letting them know what’s going on for me, so I’m feeling shut off and distanced from those I love. Tired, did I go to bed early enough, did I get enough rest for the day ahead, if I didn’t, I am grumpy. H.A.L.T. keeps things simple, it’s the basics, but we all have needs we need to take care of to make sure we are giving ourselves the self care we need.

If these simple things are met I am usually pretty good to go through my day, and then adding a little something that’s just for me is a nice way to celebrate myself and let myself know that I’m cared for and loved, you should also do this, because, you are worth it and deserve things in your life that make you feel good, and nourishes that part of you inside who may have felt beat down, discouraged, who may not have had a voice, or had been feeling lost and alone, do it for that person, love that person and treat that person with the care and love they may not have gotten, give it to them now, give it to yourself now, give yourself what you need, give yourself self love, and self care.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you always put everyone else’s needs before yours? Do you take time out of your day just for yourself? If not, why? Do you think you’re worth taking some time for yourself? If not, why? You are SLAYER! Work on building self-care into your days and see how that changes your perspective on yourself, and the world around you. What’s one thing you can do today for your own self care? SLAY on.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slayer Say

Good Morning SLAYER! What or whom watches over you today? Connect with your Higher Power today and give thanks.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Higher Power

A Power Greater Than Myself

I should be dead. Well, I probably should be dead a few times over, but in one particular case it was confirmed by medical professionals. Looking back there were many times in my life when something or someone seemed to be looking out for me, probably more than I really know, and until I started on this path I never really believed that I deserved to have anything look out for me, I wasn’t worthy in my eyes, but it’s interesting that, even believing that, when I knew I was in real trouble, and had stopped caring about myself, and what that meant, I reached out and asked for help, to what or whom I did not know, I just screamed out through a stream of tears in my living room, “I can’t do this anymore, I need help, help me!” When I woke up the next morning I literally heard a voice say, “you’re done,” and something just clicked in my head and I thought, “OK,” what that meant to me was I was done living my life the way I had been, lying to everyone and stuffing everything down inside was a big part of it, so I picked up the phone and asked a friend I trusted for help. That started my journey to self-love and healing.

I wouldn’t say I’m a religious person, but I would say I’m spiritual. Over the last 11 years plus years I have formed a relationship of my own understanding that connects me with my spiritually. Sounds pretty elusive I know, when people reach out to me to ask me how I know something out there has my back, I say to them, I have many reasons, there are many times I was saved from something, or myself, but this one in particular is pretty hard to ignore. This is a true story of what happened to me a few years ago, what happened changed me forever, and because of what happened, I am writing State Of Slay.

It was President’s Day, a long weekend. I was in Los Angeles and feeling lost, feeling out of sorts, disconnected. I had been to a wedding at the beach a few days before and had thought to myself, I live in LA and I never to go the beach, when I was a teenager I went often, it settled my nerves, and quieted my mind, I never do that here, I wonder why. So, on this holiday Monday when my nerves needed settling, I decided to set out for the beach, in Malibu. I drove down the winding roads and found a spot to park along the Pacific Coast Highway. I left my cell phone in the car thinking, I don’t need it, I just want to be one with the ocean. I took my car keys and a bottle of water and headed down to the beach, found a quiet spot away from the crowds and took in the waves and sand. I finally found some peace. So much so I hadn’t noticed how long I had been sitting there and that everyone else had gone home.

I got up to start walking back to the car and the beach, the one I had walked on a few hours before, was gone. The tide had come in. I looked up the beach the other way and it was a long way before there was another set of stairs going back to the highway and the sun was rapidly going down. I thought, well, how deep could the water be, I had walked on the sand hours only a few hours before, I’ll just walk through it. All I remember next is thinking two things as I stepped into the water, a) wow, the water is really cold, and b) the current is really strong. The next few things I remember are only quick flashes of memory, some were very clearly hallucinations, but I remember being cold, wet, in pain, and scared.

My next very clear memory is sitting on the beach in the dark, soaking wet, shaking uncontrollably, and not being able to stand up, my limbs had stopped working, my body was shutting down from hypothermia. I sat there looking far down the beach to see the lights of the Santa Monica Pier and the Ferris wheel going around thinking, there are people on that pier having a great night, laughing, having fun, and I’m sitting here dying, alone, in the dark. There was nothing I could do to help myself, I did have flashes of being in the ocean, and of crawling out, my shins each having huge welts from knee to ankle from my skin sliding along the wet sand. I sat there angry, angry at “God,” the universe, whom or whatever! How dare you have me go through everything I have, fight to overcome it just to kill me on a beach alone, F**k you, I thought. I sat in my anger for a while, but I was beat. I looked up at the stars and said, “I surrender, you got me, there’s nothing I can do, I can’t even stand up, I surrender.” At that moment I heard that same voice and it said, “it’s going to be OK,” I didn’t know what that meant exactly, but I felt this wave of calm and peace come over me, and I sat there looking at up the stars thinking I was going to die there alone.

I woke up to bright white lights and suddenly a woman’s face that said “she’s awake!” I thought I was dead. I truly did. There was a lot of activity around me suddenly and a barrage of questions. Who was I? What happened to me? Did I know where I was? I didn’t know any of the answers, including who I was. It was terrifying. I looked down to see I was wearing a wrist band that said “Jane Doe,” I knew that was wrong but I didn’t know what my name was. I was told I was in emergency in Santa Monica, that a man had found me unconscious on the beach in the morning, I had been out in the elements all night, and that he called 911, insisted on travelling in the ambulance with me, had stayed in emergency, but had since left. I was asked who he was, and in that moment I saw a picture, not a memory of him, but a picture of a man and I heard that voice again, it said “angel.” I didn’t know who I was but I knew enough not to blurt that out loud. I said, I didn’t know.

Later when my doctor arrived she had said, well, this is exactly what she said, “well Carrie, if you were a cat you just blew eight lives, I don’t know how you’re alive and here right now.” I had a major concussion, head trauma and severe hypothermia, I was dehydrated, and, had amnesia, I had only remembered my name by the afternoon, I still couldn’t tell them where I was or what year it was, I just didn’t know, and I certainly didn’t know the details of what had happened, I still don’t.

It was determined, by the neurologist, that I must have fallen when I stepped into the water and hit my head on a rock, that I got pulled into the ocean in a state of unconsciousness or semi-unconsciousness, fought my way back to the beach, or just got spit out by the ocean, and had battled the elements all night and into the morning before I was found.

I was told I should have drowned or succumbed to hypothermia, or both, but for some reason I didn’t.

I struggled with that. Why did I survive? It took me a long time to find an answer to that, it took a lot of counselling, journaling, and a lot of meditation.

But the point of this story today is that, when someone asks me why I believe in a power greater than myself I say, I should be dead, but somehow, after being thrown around in the ocean all night, spit out onto the sand, and someone I don’t know, and will ever know, found me and made sure I was safe, how can I not believe that something or someone is looking out for me? When I had no power to take care of myself, something or someone else did.

Back to my answer of why I survived. I believe it is to be of service, to share a message of strength and hope to those who may need it, to tell my story and share with others, and what came out of that realization is this blog, which is just a start, but a step to say thank you for my life, a life that something or someone thought was worth saving. Each word I type in each blog is my gratitude, my way of saying thank you, to that force that watches over me.

I too think your life is worth saving, in fact I know it is, and I am happy to have you come and sit with me on this beach anytime, if you haven’t found that force, or voice yet you will, if you try, and until then I want you to know, it’s going to be OK.

SLAY OF THE DAY: How’s your spirituality SLAYER? Do you feel connected to something you feel wants the best for you or guides you? If not, why? Try to look for the times in your life that you feel a power greater than yourself may have stepped in and helped or guided you. Keep looking for those times SLAYER, what signs do you see? If you’re having trouble finding that force in your life, use us, us SLAYERS, because together we are far more powerful than you alone, let this group of warriors, survivors, be your power, until you find one of your own. SLAY on.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slayer Say

Good morning SLAYER! When we don’t get the facts of what others’ expectations are, and we don’t share our own, we set ourselves up for heartbreak. We have the power to stop that. Get the facts! Share your facts! SLAY on!

New blog goes up Sunday.

State Of Slay Expectations