judge

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Every time you judge someone you reveal a part of yourself that needs healing.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Judge Others

Shared Suffering

When I was suffering from my disease the most I wasn’t sharing what was going on with anyone. I isolated and kept my pain to myself believing that no one would understand, would care, or that everyone else had their own problems so I need not burden them with mine. That rationale kept me sick for a long time, and got me sicker. The more I retreated and kept to myself the more those negative voices in my head became my truth, but it only took one person to share their shared suffering with me to give me enough hope to reach out for help.

I had always said I wasn’t a “group” person. I always preferred to do things one on one. Even growing up with my friends, I had my one or two girls I would hang out with, and we might do things with groups of people from time to time, but mainly it was just the two or three of us. That’s just how I had always been. So when I made the commitment to make positive changes in my life, and to seek help, it was suggested to me I join a support group and get to know other women who were walking the same path as I was. That struck fear in my right away. Me, join a group? That did not sound like anything I wanted to be a part of, but I had promised myself I would try everything that was suggested, so I took a deep breath and dove in. It was difficult for me at first, to sit there and try to be a part of the group, but the more I sat there the more I heard my story told through other people, and I realized that I wasn’t alone. I thought that no one thought and did the things I did, that was one of the reasons I never told anyone, I thought I was a horrible person and no one would understand, or even worse, would judge me for being who I was, but what I learned from sitting in those groups and finding the courage to share my truth is that I wasn’t the only one, in fact I found many others who thought and did things exactly how I had, which was shocking, but also a relief.

It’s been almost 13 years since I first stepped foot in a group meeting, and I still go today, in fact, I went morning I wrote this blog, and I was reminded what a gift it is that I found a group of people like myself who I can relate to, who remind me of who I was and who I have worked to be. Today, I look at that group as something I am blessed to be a part of, something I never would have imagined 13 years ago, but I now know the strength that that group has for me and many others out there who have found a strength with those who identify with them.

When I initially thought about starting a blog the idea was to create a safe place where we could share in our commonality, to create a community of like-minded people who were all striving to live in the light and be our best selves each day. I know there is a lot of power in shared suffering, especially when the focus isn’t on the suffering, but a solution. So for those out there who suffer alone in silence, I invite you to join us, I encourage you to reach out, to share your truth with us, we are not here to judge you, as we are no one to judge, we have all had our share of things we have done in the past that we may not be proud of, or even in our present lives, but it is a part of our journey, who we once were, and we have used those experiences to remind us of where we don’t want to go, of how far we’ve come, and to allow those seemingly negative experiences to bring us closer to those out there who once were just like us, and perhaps still are, but are striving to live in the light. You are not alone, unless you choose to be, but if you decide to come and join us, or others like us, we’ve got a place waiting for you and a love for you that you may not even have for yourself yet, that love comes from an understanding and a recognition that you are just like us. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you share your truth when things are not good with you? If you do, how does that help you? If you don’t, why not? What are you afraid of? Do you have people in your life who you can share your truth with, no matter what it is? If so, who are they? If not, how can you find people like that in your life? Do you see how finding people like yourself can help you to grow, learn, and give you a feeling of support? Do you feel there is strength in numbers? Go find your group SLAYER, even if that’s just us, we as a group are stronger than we are alone, if you’re looking for a place to belong, come SLAY with us.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

If You Spot It You’ve Got It

Typically those things we find irritating others, those things we judge, or dislike, are things we also have, or dislike about ourselves. We may not always recognize that, we may be in denial that we too exhibit the same behavior, quirk or flaw, but there’s a reason we’re zeroing in on someone else and picking out those things in them, we recognize ourselves there.

Before stepping on this path, and before doing the work to acknowledge my own issues, I often judged other people. I judged them for exhibiting the same behaviors as I was, even though I would never admit that I was behaving that way, or had the issues “they” had. I always had an opinion about what they should be doing, or how they could do it better. And when they failed, I thought, they’re not strong like I am. But what I wasn’t willing to see is that all of that judgment I placed on other people was to deflect my own behavior and actions. If I could put the focus on everyone else, shine a spotlight on their character defects or bad decisions, I could keep doing what I was doing in the dark without anyone noticing, or so I thought. I was noticing. Maybe not consciously, but subconsciously, there was no hiding from myself. And once I made the commitment to get honest, and get better, I realized what I had been doing most of my life, pointing out other people’s flaws and mistakes, I was guilty of doing all of the same things. That was a tough pill to swallow at first because I had stood with my head held high like I was better, smarter and healthier than those I judged, and in the end I was just as bad, maybe even worse, and that was a big piece of humble pie.

Today when I start to judge someone, and it happens, I pause, and I take a look at why I am feeling the need to tear someone else down, and what may be missing or needing work on my end? What do I need to look at, and am avoiding, that’s causing me to want to shine the spotlight on someone else, instead of looking at myself? It’s a good indicator that I have work to do. And, I can now use my acknowledgment of someone else’s stuff as a form of compassion, or understanding, because I likely share in that same behavior. I have been able to turn my judgment of others into something positive, for me, and as a way to connect to those around me.

What we find disturbing or irritating in others is typically what we find disturbing or irritating in ourselves. And that, is our problem. We are all responsible for ourselves and our own behavior, what someone else is doing is none of your business. It is not up to us to judge them or school them on how they should be living their lives, but we can certainly look at how we’re living ours when we find our focus shifts to someone else. Our focus on someone else’s behavior is the best indicator that we need to shift our focus back on us. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you tend to judge others for how they’re living their lives? Why do you think you do this? Do you try to give that person advice? How is that usually received? What behavior or character traits usually catch your eye as something that should be fixed? Do you see those same things in yourself? What can you do to place the focus back on yourself and away from judging someone else? What are some of the things that you pick out in others that you also have yourself? When you look at that list, how do you feel? What don’t you like about what’s written on that list? What can you do to fix that? We all have moments when we judge others. It’s what we do when we notice we’re doing that sets us apart. Use those moments to take a look at your own behavior and actions, use those urges to fix someone to fix yourself. Find away to let that stuff go.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Wanting To Be Forgotten

For a lot of my life I just didn’t want to stand out. I wanted to blend in with the scenery. I thought that if I stood out, you were going to notice what a piece of crap I really was, that you would know I wasn’t worthy, wasn’t good enough, didn’t belong. I went through most of my life hiding in plain sight. Now that might seem strange based on the profession I chose. But I used that to hide. It was a place where I could hide behind the characters I played, something I think many of us do, even if we are not actors by trade. We learn to play a role, or adapt to what we think you want to see, so that questions won’t be asked and we can slide through life, never making enough waves to stand out from the crowd. When people are looking for someone to single out, we are trying to camouflage ourselves into the crowd so that we’re forgotten. There are those of us also who put so much time crafting a persona that is more acceptable in our eyes that we hope that the real us is forgotten and we can continue operating under the alias we created.

For me it was two-fold, and in-part what fueled my inner-struggle and torture. I didn’t want to stand out, I wanted to be forgotten, but I also wanted to be liked and wanted the person I had created to stand out and be acknowledged. Therein lies the insanity. An insanity there was just no winning from, regardless of the outcome. It wasn’t until I put a stop to the lies, the characters I would play, and the behavior I had been participating in that I was able to finally investigate who I really was. I had been playing so many different people, for so long, I didn’t actually know anymore.

When my mental illness had taken over, and my disease was the only voice I heard, I felt like I was fading away in the background. I felt like life was going on around me, but was leaving me behind. I never felt like I was moving forward, I always felt like I was running away from the darkness that was chasing me. And when it caught up to me, it would pull me back. I certainly didn’t want anyone to see that, so hiding became my way to conceal that part of myself from you, from anyone who might judge it, might not understand it, or might hurt me because of it. My disease told me I should be forgotten, that I wasn’t worth remembering, and that if I was gone, no one would even notice.

When I finally found the courage to tell a trusted friend what I was doing, I changed that course. I let some light in, and I let the masks fall away, for the first time, ever in my life, to reveal who was really there. And who I was was broken, lost, empty, and afraid. I let her out. I shared her with the people in my life and I sought help to put the pieces together again. No one judged me, no one hurt me, no one said anything but words of encouragement, of hope, of love. And as scary as it was to stand there, vulnerable, in that moment, for probably the first time, I was me. No games. No pretending. Nothing but me in that moment. And it felt good. Pretending was a lot of work. Pretending meant I was constantly in fear of being found out as a fraud because I wasn’t being true to myself. Pretending kept me sick. And I was getting sicker.

It took a lot of work to get to a place of self-love, to a place where I no longer feel the need to wear a mask and hide, where I no longer want to be forgotten, but I made it there. Today I know that whatever my best self is in each moment is enough. If I fall, make a mistake, I can repair it, get up, try again, as long as I am being true to myself. Instead of wanting to be forgotten, I want to be of service. I want to help. Share who I am. My story. And I never worry what the reaction will be, because it’s my truth, and there is nothing to be ashamed of. I own my story, I own my truth, and I know that when I walk in that place I am exactly where I am supposed to be. That’s what I now want to be remembered for. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: In your day-to-day life, do you try to stay hidden, or hide behind a persona you’ve created? Why do you do this? What is it about yourself that you don’t think is acceptable? Why do you think this? Is this something you feel to be true, or is this something you have been told? Is this something that is in your current life, or something from your past? Why do you believe this? What do you know to be true about yourself? Write out the good. Write out the good. Look at both. In the bad list, write out how this is true in your life today. Write out if it is a story from your past, that either you told yourself or someone else. Look at the good list. What else can you add? That is who you are. We all have things we struggle with, or may not be proud of, but today we can choose to be our best selves and leave those things behind as part of our past. We can learn from them, use them as reminders of where we don’t want to be. Focus on the good and more good will come. You don’t deserve to be forgotten, be you, your true you, that is who we’ll remember.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Communication Is The Key

Communication is something I had to learn on this path. It was not a skill I had growing up, I was too full of fear to speak up, to reach out, or to dare share my truth. There were so many times, looking back, when I was asked about my feelings, or what I thought, where I stood there, paralyzed, and couldn’t find the words to express how I felt. I would get embarrassed, but the words would just not come out. They would get all scrambled in my head, and just get stuck there. It was out of an act of desperation that I was able to communicate my need for help, and share with a trusted friend what was really going on in my life, and that I wanted it to stop. That same desperation was the catalyst for me learning how to communicate with others. I had kept my truth so bottled up for so long, that my life now depended on me speaking up.

Communication can be difficult. We may fear of being judged. We may not find the right words to rightly express how we’re feeling. Or we feel like we don’t want to be bother to someone by unleashing our problems on them. All of these self-made obstacles need to be overcome before we can cultivate healthy, long-lasting relationships, and truly find our way on our path.

For me the first obstacle was the fear. Fear that you all would judge me for not having it all together, for getting myself into the situation I had, fear I wouldn’t say the right things, just plain fear I couldn’t even identify. So, I surrounded myself with like-minded people. People who had been through what I was going through, or were going through it as well. That helped with the fear a bit. But it was by stepping out of my comfort zone to find others like me that I was able to get over the fear. I had to just jump in. It helped to have others around me who were sharing their truths with me and others, I saw that they weren’t being judged, in fact, the opposite was happening, they were being supported, encouraged and loved, so I stepped out of my comfort zone a little further and started to share, and, I received the same response. It became easier the more I did it, and now, I don’t even hesitate. The more we do something, the more it becomes our new normal, and, we start to make healthier and better choices for ourselves.

I learned that being honest was always the best route to go, now, I did have to learn how to fine tune that a little bit, learn to read the situation and the people involved, because just blurting out my truth could do more damage than not sharing it at all. I had to learn to be compassionate to those around me, to not withhold what I needed to say, or how I felt, but to make sure I wasn’t doing more damage by sharing my truth in maybe a blunt or sudden way. At the beginning, and sometimes I still do, I would think how I would want to be told the information I needed to share, to think about how that person might feel once I shared what I needed to. I had some misfires at the beginning, but that’s to be expected with anything new, it takes time to find the right tone, and to never let your needs rise above what someone else is able to listen to.

Communication really is the key to most of our problems. It’s about being honest, but also compassionate for others in our lives, about making sure you’re intentions are clear, your expectations are clear, and that your voice is heard, but, never the expense of anyone else. When we communicate we learn about others, we invite discussion, we are open to suggestions, to new solutions, and we are our authentic selves. Learning to communicate brings us closer to people, it strengthens our relationships and bonds, and, it strengthens our self-worth and self-respect. Communication is the clarifyer, it allows us to step out of who we once were and into the light of who we are meant to become. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you have trouble communicating with others? How so? Why do you think that is? What are some bad experiences you’ve had with communication? What are some good? Of those bad experiences, what could you have said or done in terms of your own communication that would have improved that situation? What stops you from doing that? I challenge you SLAYER, this week, to practice your communication skills. Look for opportunities to communicate better, clearer, and allowing more of you to come out and share with those around you. Find your voice, and share your true self, it’s within that practice that we begin to find our way on our own path to who we are meant to be.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slayer Say

Good morning SLAYER! It’s easy to compare how we’re feeling to what we’re seeing, but today SLAYER remind yourself, you are your only competition, not knowing anyone else’s journey, we focus on our own, and compare ourselves today to were we’ve been, and were we want to go.

SLAY on!

State Of Slay Compare