hopes

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! When you have clarity of intention, the universe conspires with you to make it happen.

New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Handcuffs

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! If you cannot do great things, do things in a great way.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Expectation

The Set-Up For The Let-Down

Before walking this path I very often would set myself up for a let-down. I would allow myself to have these grandiose thoughts or expectations, that life just couldn’t live up to, and certainly my efforts couldn’t produce, and then fall into a depression when my fairy-tale ideas of how things should be fell short. I would repeatedly do this, falling deeper and deeper into my darkness each time my expectations weren’t matched by my reality. But, there was an even darker force at work than just disappointment. Part my sickness was that if I failed, or if the result wasn’t what I had imagined, it allowed me to continue telling the narrative that I wasn’t good enough and didn’t deserve good things. As much as my ego would say I did deserve the best, my head would tell me, when I didn’t get it, that I didn’t get it because I don’t deserve the best. And that was only part of my insanity, and I constantly set myself up to be let-down.

A lot of where this thinking and behavior came from was self-centered fear. I was afraid of losing what I already had, or afraid of not getting what I wanted, or should say, demanded, because if it didn’t look and feel exactly the way I had envisioned it, it was never good enough. I was living daily with unsatisfied demands, which led to a place of continuous irritability and frustration. I didn’t know, consciously, what I was doing to myself, or even that I was being controlled by my disease, I just continued  in the loop of expecting too much and not getting enough.

This also bled into my friendships and relationships. My expectations of everyone in my life was perfection, unless I was in the need to feel superior, then it was OK if they fell short because I could swoop in and tell them how they were doing it wrong, or how I would have done it. I didn’t give anyone any leeway to make mistakes, work at their own pace, or discover things on their own…sometimes I can still fall back into these behaviors, but it’s not any of my business what anyone else is doing, and how they’re doing it, so why get myself all frustrated and irritated with someone else’s decisions? Again, it plays into setting myself up for a let-down. As long as I kept myself in that cycle I was never going to get any better, and I was never going to see what I was actually doing, and what was happening actually was my doing.

Part of my journey to get well was to look at things for what they are. To have goals, hopes and dreams, yes, but not blow them up to such inflated heights that no person or thing could ever match it. I had to live within realistic terms, and, even if those didn’t play out the way I had hoped, to accept that they played out the way they were supposed to if I had done everything I could to make it happen. Sometimes, I had to learn, I wasn’t mean to have whatever it was I wanted, because I meant to have something else, or be somewhere else. Acceptance was the key to this new way of life.

We set ourselves up to fail if we always set our expectations to impossible heights. Always reach for the top, but make sure the top you see is attainable for you in that moment, and if it’s not, see what is within reach, and maybe by reaching that top, there is an even higher top waiting for you from that place. Live in the now, and keep your expectations in check as you grow and excel from the place you are right now. Life is a journey, there are no short-cuts, what lies in front of us is where we must go to get where, ultimately, we are meant to be, so suit up, show up, and never give up, there’s reason for everything, trust that journey as you continue to reach for attainable goals for you today! SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you set yourself up to fail? Why do you think you do this? Are your expectations so high that no one could ever reach them, even yourself? Why do you think you set them so high? How do you feel when you, or someone else, doesn’t reach your expectations? How do you think you can change this? Why do you think you should, or need, to change this? What realistic goal can you set for yourself and achieve this week? Take a look at your expectations SLAYER, and see if you are setting yourself up for disappointment when you can set yourself up for success by setting your sights on goals that are within your reach.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Your present circumstances don’t determine where you can go, they only determine where you start.

New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Dont Compare

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Let no one discourage you. You don’t need a fan club to achieve your goals. Be your own motivation.

SLAY on!

State Of Slay Ships

Don’t Borrow From Tomorrow

Before walking this path I was rarely present. There were a few reasons for that. One, I hated my present circumstances and hated who I was, so I would often think about tomorrow because that seemed less dim and dark because it hadn’t happened yet. Two, I wasn’t ready to take action to change the circumstances I was in, blaming others for my misfortune or believing I was a bad person who didn’t deserve better, so my head would live in the future with the hope that things would just magically get better on their own. They never did. When I set out to find a better way of life I was told to live in the present, to only look so far as what was in front of my hands, that, at first, frightened me, because it was hard to escape my situation when you could only look that far, but I realized that much of my anxiety came from fear of the unknown, fear of what might come next, and fear that I would also stay stuck right where I was. When I could focus on what was in front of my hands life became easier, because I only needed to focus on what was right in front of me each day, every day. My thoughts still wanted to jump ahead to tomorrow so I had to train it to stay with me right where I was, but the more I practiced it the more I found comfort in only focusing on each moment as it came, each task, each step I needed to take to get through the day. I realized why I had not been living that way as I started out on this new approach, there’s no hiding from the truth when all you have is the truth in each moment.

Jumping ahead was a way to escape, a way to fantasize and hope that things would get better. I would keep borrowing from tomorrow, and the tomorrows after those thinking somehow I could just wish things better, but as the years went on and the darkness got bigger and thicker, that hope was harder to find and I would reach farther and farther into the future while I was dying in the present. It was like a smokescreen, so I wouldn’t notice how bad things had gotten, and how bad they still could get, my thinking would propel me forward hoping a magical solution would present itself somewhere out there in the days that had not yet happened. They never did. The solution that appeared came to me in the present, in the form of a person, who in the present, could see how much I was suffering, and how sick I truly was, and in that present moment shared his story with me, which, in that moment, I did not fully absorb, but on a night when it really mattered, on a night when it mattered most, that story became as present as anything could be. I saw myself in that story and I was suddenly pulled back into the present, lost, scared, and wondering what to do next, but the thinking of what comes next, held me in the present.

When we find ourselves in those moments things get really simple. It becomes about survival, and when you’re fighting for your life there’s no time for complications. For me, I took the only action I could in that moment, I picked up the phone and asked for help, that action set off a chain of events that are still happening today, 13 years later, and today, 13 years later, I still focus on what’s in front of my hands, especially when life gets busy and can seem overwhelming.

It’s OK to plan for the future, to have goals and things you are working toward, but don’t cheat today by living in the future, you never know what you might have missed while you were looking ahead, and what you missed may have been the key to attaining everything you ever wanted in a future, and more, maybe even beyond your wildest dreams. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you have trouble staying present? Where does your mind typically go? Why do you think it doesn’t want to stay right where you are? What frightens you there? What makes you uncomfortable? What do you think living in the future offers you? What if you tried to live in the here and now? What if you only did what was in front of your hands? Do you see how simple your life would be? How much more grounded it would be? When you think about doing that how does it make you feel? Try it SLAYER, focus on what’s in front of your hands, don’t allow yourself to get ahead and go to places you have not yet been when there is work to do right here, trust that where you are is where you are meant to be, and that there is valuable information there that will help to get you to where you are supposed to go. Follow your hands and listen for the direction of where they should go next.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears.

SLAY on!

State Of Slay Consequences

Sometimes You Have To Unfollow Your Old Dreams To Chase New Ones

We grow up with hopes and dreams of what we would like our lives to look like. Some change as we grow but some we stick on to, hold onto like a life raft in the ocean. We have put so much time into crafting some dreams, and have worked so hard to lay the groundwork that we may not even see that that dream may not work for us anymore, or is no longer viable. Instead of reassessing our choices, we dig in, trying to make it happen by force. Nothing good happens by force. If something isn’t happening, even after putting in countless attempts and hours into it, you may be following the wrong dream, or have limited yourself for it to only look one way. You may have already found it, but because you are hard set on it being one thing, you don’t see it and you continue to work towards something that is not meant for you. Sometimes you have to unfollow your dreams to chase new ones.

In our lives we’re constantly growing, or we should be, challenging ourselves, doing new things with new people, we’re getting new information, educating ourselves, so it is completely rational that our dreams change over time, as we do. There are definitely big picture dreams that we work to attain, but even those can change as we settle into who we are and what is best for us today. The trick is to recognize those things and not get stuck in the dreams of our past.

Before stepping on this path I thought that things had to look a certain way or I couldn’t be happy. And, with that mindset, I wouldn’t have been happy if they looked any different than how I had imagined them. But those ideas were based on when I was young, and I had an idealized view of what life should look like, or what I wanted it to, so why did I think that those same dreams still hold up today? I had to be open to new things, to new experiences, to letting go of old ideas and dreams so I could be open to what else was out there. I’ve lived a lot of life from when I set those dreams many years ago, and my ideas were fabricated with very limited information compared to what I have now. So why would I want to limit my dreams by using old information?

Well, for one, at the beginning of this journey, I was still scared to let go. I felt that I had to control everything, or at least try, and if I didn’t everything would just fall apart. I had to recognize that everything had fallen apart with me hanging on, so, perhaps that thinking and action wasn’t working in my best interest. It was hard to release the past, to be OK with being open to what is and what could be. I felt like I was floating in an abyss. But while I let myself float, new dreams emerged. I discovered things I had never let myself be open to before, and consequently I learned new things, and that opened up my vision of what my dreams were for myself.

My dreams today have changed, although there are some that have still stayed with me, but I have let go of the parameters I had once set on them, and let them be as they are meant to be, allowing them to look the way they are supposed to, not with some naive childlike rigid guidelines that I used to place on them. Check-in with your dreams, and yourself, and see if those dreams you’ve held on to are actually holding you back. See if you need to unfollow some of your dreams to chase new ones, because you have outgrown them. Let yourself dream in the now, not the way you thought it was supposed to be. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you think you’ve held on to old dreams that no longer serve you, or are no longer valid? Which dreams fall into this category? Why do you think you’ve held on to them? Do you feel that you should let them go? If yes, why? If no, why? Do you think that if you are able to let go of some of your old dreams you might find new ones that are better for you today? Do you place expectations on them to only look a certain way? Do you see how that can get in your way? What if you let go SLAYER, and trusted you are being guided to where you’re supposed to be, what if you were open to new things, do you see how maybe you might receive a set of new dreams, dreams that are more fitting with who you are today? I challenge you SLAYER, to write down your dreams, and make sure that they represent who you are today, if they don’t, unfollow them, and make room for some updated dreams that you can chase, and perhaps, just might make you forget those old dreams altogether.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Do Your Best And Forget The Rest

We tend to be a very results oriented culture. We often equate whether we did a good job with if we won, or how we placed, or, if anyone noticed. But really we win every time if we’ve just done our best, regardless of the result or if anyone noticed. And, our best changes every day, sometimes within a day, what our best was yesterday might not be our best today, because we might not be the same as we were yesterday. It’s about doing what we can in each moment, and allowing ourselves to be less than our best yesterday because it is our best today. Allow ourselves to be human. Allowing ourselves to honor who we are at any given moment, and taking the pressure off ourselves to be perfect, or always at a heightened level of execution or achievement, allowing ourselves to just be, and know that just because our best today didn’t match our best yesterday, it might tomorrow, or tomorrow might be our best!

I used to put a lot of pressure on myself to be ‘the best,’ and when I didn’t win or get the recognition I was looking for I considered myself a loser. I was a loser, I had lost the point. Trying to be number one all the time is exhausting, it’s good to have goals, to set standards for yourself, but to make that the only reason to do something is empty, and, ultimately, unattainable all the time, and for some, never attainable. Each of us have our own best, our personal best, and really that’s the only marker we should be looking at, but we should also acknowledge and honor where we are at each day, and love ourselves even when we are not able to perform at a level that we would like, our best changes as we do, and some days, just getting out of bed may be our best, and, that’s OK. So, how do we have a healthier relationship with our best?

1) Live One Day At A Time – Take stock each day of where you’re at, mentally and physically, and let that guide you as to how hard you should push yourself, or how hard you should be on yourself, really, you should never be hard on yourself, but we do tend to be at times. Be kind and let yourself move at a pace that is comfortable for you, that includes self-care, and that allows you to progress at a speed that helps you to keep moving forward. Each day starts with a different you, so check in and see where you’re at before throwing out your list of demands.

2) Acceptance – Acknowledging yourself and where you are on any given day is one thing, the next step is accepting it. If you’re feeling tired, or emotional, or your head feels scattered, take note of that, and adjust your day to work within the parameters of who you are. Beating yourself up for being something you’re not, or for not being able to do what you want to do isn’t going to help you reach your goal, it’s only going to set you back. When you accept your situation it allows you to formulate a new plan and maybe a different approach, which in the end, maybe be the better way in the first place. Accept and move on.

3) Practice – Like with everything else it’s about practice. No one gets it right every single time, allow yourself to make mistakes and be gentle with yourself when you do. Anything new takes time to get right so if you fall back into old behaviors, acknowledge it, ask yourself what you can do differently the next time, and then move on. Life is all about learning, so let yourself learn.

4) Good Results Come From Good Work – Like everything else in life, to get the results we want, we have to do the work. Just wishing something to be, or wanting it to be, isn’t going to make it happen. How can you take action in your life to get the results you would like to have, while taking into consideration of who you are on that day? You’ve got to put in the work to get the results.

All any of us can do ever day is to do our best, if we’ve done that, and we’ve done it for the right reasons, meaning because we’ve wanted to, or it’s what’s best for us, then we should be happy with that. Our best is our best. It changes every day, it changes moment to moment, and that is OK, accept who you are and what you have to offer, leave everything else behind, thinking about what we could have done, or would have liked to have done only adds to self-loathing, anxiety and depression, life is about taking action, if you took the best action you could, you did your best, and the next time something comes around, maybe you top your best, maybe you don’t, but by continuing to strive to do your best you are planting the seeds for the future, and your best will get you to a place that you want to go. SLAY on.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you put a lot of pressure on yourself to do your best? Is your best ever good enough? If not, why? What do you think makes it not good enough? How can you change your attitude around it? What if you stopped judging yourself and just did your best? What can you do to have a healthier attitude around what your best is? I challenge you SLAYER, to keep an open dialogue with yourself, to check in and see how you are before jumping into a new task or project, if you feel like you need to slow down, do it, and if you think you have the energy to speed things up then give it a boost, it’s all about doing what’s best for you, and knowing that whatever you do, you did your best.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Honestly Honest

We’ve all heard the saying “honesty is the best policy,” and it is, so why are so many of us afraid of being honest? We may be afraid of being judged, afraid of upsetting the other person, afraid of being seen as different, or just afraid to speak our minds. But when we don’t speak up we typically don’t forget what we didn’t say, it stays with us, playing again and again in our heads like a song on repeat and we beat ourselves up for not speaking our truth. Now, speaking our truth can be tricky, sometimes our truth, or honest opinion, may not be the popular opinion, or what everyone wants to hear, but if we don’t speak up many times it turns into a resentment, either towards the person or people we didn’t speak up to, or ourselves for keeping our mouth shut when we should have spoken up. Being afraid is never a reason not to do anything. So how do we learn to walk through that fear and share our true thoughts with those around us?

1) Stay Calm And Take A Moment. Again, life is not a game show there are no points for speaking up first and having the fastest response. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, take a moment, breathe, even step away for a second to collect your thoughts. It’s OK to say you need a moment, you don’t have to come up with something right away. Sometimes taking a step back is just what you need gather your thoughts in a concise and clear way so you can share them in a way that will be easily understood. If it’s something you’re very emotional about, definitely give yourself some time, letting your emotions take over will not help you convey what you’re wanting to say in a way that will open the door to a healthy and calm discussion.

2) Be Confident. Everyone is entitled to an opinion, and yours is just as important as anyone else’s, so don’t be afraid to speak your mind. Speaking up also opens the door to a conversation or discussion, something that is always useful and understanding and getting to know those around you, and, also yourself. If you feel strongly about something, speak up, share it, and also be open to listen to other people’s points of view. Again, as always, we all have our own perspectives and even though you’re feeling very strongly about yours, there are always different sides to each story or situation, so don’t be afraid to share yours, but allow others to share theirs as well.

3) Overcome Your Fear. You may be fearful of being made fun of, or being listed as difficult, or different, but don’t put so much weight into what other people think, what’s important is what you think and that you’re expressing that. Now, we as SLAYERS don’t set out to say things we know will purposely hurt or anger someone else, we share our thoughts in a thoughtful and mindful way, but we don’t amend our thoughts to appease someone else. People typically will appreciate your honesty with them, even if it differs from their own opinion, they’ll usually respect that you shared your thoughts with them. If they don’t, then that tells you something about who they are and your relationship with them, that’s a red flag and not a good sign of a healthy relationship.

4) Use Your Problem Solving Skills. If there is a differing of opinion, this is an opportunity to work on your problem solving skills. To see if you can find a middle ground or resolution to our differing of opinions. Keeping an open mind and letting others talk are two to elements to this, and you may find that after hearing what they have to say, you may alter your own opinion, or maybe not, but just going into a discussion with the mindset that you are open to new ideas, while sharing your own, can bring an amicable sense of energy to a discussion which opens the door to having a good outcome.

Always be confident in who you are and what you have to offer. Your opinion is unique to you, and your thoughts are valid. If someone has wronged you, has asked for your opinion, or you’re working together on project, speak your mind, collaborate, and be open to other perspectives, you just maybe surprised how easy speaking up can be, and how when you do you gain more confidence, self-esteem, and a stronger sense of self.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you speak your mind when you have an opinion? If not, why not? Do you have fear around being honest with people? Why do you think you do? Are the reasons you have fear around speaking your mind valid fears based in facts? Or are they old narratives from your past that are no longer your truth today? If they are your truth today, what does this tell you about the people you have chosen to surround yourself with? Are there better choices you can be making with the people you have in your life? I challenge you SLAYER to speak your mind this week, to share your opinion, or speak up if you feel you have something to say, the more you do it, the easier it becomes, and, if you take a misstep, that’s a part of the process, that is how we learn, but if we are open an honest we are not hiding our true selves and walking around with unsaid ideas and opinions that are taking up valuable space in our minds, let them out and show your real you. SLAY on.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you