grow

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! You are your only limit.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Comfort Zone

New Year, New You

Today is New Year’s Eve. The end of one year and the beginning of another. I’ve never been one for New Year’s Resolutions, I’ve always made commitments to myself as I feel I’m ready for them, or ready for the challenge of them, so the idea of having to come up with them on a specific day has never really appealed to me. What I do like is the idea of a clean slate. A fresh page. A new year gives us a marker and chance to hit the restart button and start again. Now, we’re still us walking into the new year, but maybe we’re us with a different perspective, with new goals, or a drive to find what we’re looking for. It’s a time to take a deep breath and let go of the past to make room for something new. The problem I have with resolutions is that we seem to set ourselves up to fail. We set them thinking we should have them, people ask us what they are, there’s that anticipation that we have to have answers when asked, and so we set forth and make a list that we may not be fully ready to commit to, or truly have any intention of taking action on. So, if we do feel pressured to make a list, and there is no real pressure to, or we’re just wanting to set some goals for ourselves as we head into a new year, how do we make better choices when it comes to finding out what we really do intend to change, or want to change?

First, it’s asking ourselves why we’re wanting things to change, and what we’re wanting to change? What is our motivation behind seeking out this change? Why is it important to us? How will it help us or benefit us? And these answers should have answers that pertain to us, not how we’ll look to others, or if they’ll help someone else, these should be our goals or changes that will help us to become the people we want to be, who we aspire to be, because deep down we know we are those people. It’s about uncovering our true selves and getting rid of old habits we used to use to get by, or survive, or possibly hide who we truly were. Our goals or resolutions, if we want to stick with that label, should not be born out of judgment of ourselves, or comparison of those around us. They should come from a truth inside of us that we know we should change because what we are wanting to let go of is no longer serving us, or possibly never did. These goals should be internal goals, done for internal reasons, not because they’ll look good on the outside, when we do what we think we should do, or we do something to please someone else, but we don’t believe it in our heart, we are setting ourselves up to fail. We should only do what we know is right for us and do it for us, only then do we have a chance to overcome that particular hurdle and succeed.

We also have to give ourselves time. Change doesn’t happen overnight. We can make some changes, but we have give ourselves time to let those changes settle in, and also, give ourselves some leeway to know we’re going to revert back to our old ways from time to time, change takes time, and it takes practice, so even if you fall back, don’t just throw in the towel, understand that’s part of the process, learn from it, and keep going. The more you do something, the more it becomes your new normal. Failure is a part of the process. Always remember why you’re making the change and how it affects you personally. Remember why you’re doing what you’re doing.

Having the awareness that you want to change and what you want to change is a catalyst for change. Awareness is half the battle, the rest is doing it. So really look at your life, who you are, what you do, how you interact with the world around you and be honest with yourself, are you living as your true self? What areas can you improve on? What areas can you really shine? It can be hard to take an honest look at ourselves, but change doesn’t happen if we keep telling ourselves the same story and living in a place that doesn’t allow us to be our best selves. Take a cold hard look at you, the stuff that makes you flinch, or makes you uncomfortable, that’s the perfect place to stop and take a look and ask yourself why it does. Anything can be changed for the better, we all have the ability to make changes and live a fuller life. Once we make some decisions and put a plan in motion it changes our trajectory, our direction, and sets us on a new path, and if we stay true to that path, and true to us, that path will continue to give back to us and will continue to give us what we need on this new path.

Really, we can change or start something new any day of the year, but why not take some time today to reflect on what things in your life you would like to change that are in your reach to change. Write them down, and write down the steps you can take to make those changes happen. Only we know what is best for us, and only we can do the work to make sure we are and have the best for us. So roll up your sleeves SLAYER, this is a great time to dig into your toolbox and find the tools you need to be your best you this year. SLAY on.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you typically set New Year’s Resolutions for yourself at the beginning of year? Do you stick to them? If you don’t, why do you think you fail? Are they realistic? Why don’t you follow through? Searching your heart, what change would you like to see this year for yourself? How can you make these changes happen? If you don’t know, ask those around you, with those you trust or who maybe inspire you, ask them how they might go about achieving the same goal. Find those things you think are holding you back, those things you might hide behind, or use as protection, make a commitment to get rid of them, to get out from behind them, to allow yourself to be your best you and shed those things you no longer need, those things that are only holding you back. Give yourself the gift of self empowerment, of doing what’s best for you, and following through on letting your best parts shine.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Maybe the journey isn’t about becoming anything, but unbecoming everything that isn’t really to so you can become who you were meant to be in the first place. Only you know the real you, no one else can tell you who you are.

New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Journey

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Take charge, be at the center of your power and energize yourself with what you need to fuel your passion, but also give yourself permission to learn and to grow, you don’t have to have it all figured out, leave some room for the unexpected.

SLAY on!

 

State Of Slay Masterpiece

Get Out Of The Should And Into The Could

 We’ve all sat and thought about the things we should be doing, we should exercise more, we should eat better, we should get more sleep, we should apply for that job…the list goes on. It’s easy to live in the shoulds, but the shoulds don’t get us anywhere except adding to an unending list that we allow to pull us down into resentment and despair because we’re not taking action so the list just keeps growing longer and longer. The shoulds are typically seen as a negative because we’re not executing them, they hang around and nag us, but until we change them into coulds, they will continue to drag us down.

Living in a place of could is a more positive place. A place of possibility, of hope, and of change. Just changing our attitude from should to could isn’t enough though, but it is a start. We can take our should list and make a conscious effort to change it into our could list, and then from there take action where we can. It’s a matter of perspective and how we choose to look at the things we want in our life. We have the power to make change, we have the power to go after what we want, to have those things on our list, but it requires us to actually pull the trigger and do the work, magical thinking will not get us magical results. When we’re living in the shoulds, and in negative thinking, we limit our view to the outside world, it gets narrow, we only concentrate on what we’re not doing or getting instead of changing what we can, our limited view only lets us see what we don’t have, it can paralyze us. Negative thoughts don’t allow us to see the choices we have around us, thinking we have none, we give up. But when we live in the coulds our brain sees the possibility, it opens up our mind to more options, which in turn allows us to build new skills that can help us eventually get from could to did, which is ultimately where we want to go. So, how do we achieve more positive thinking in our lives?

The more joy, love, and contentment we feel in our lives, the more positive we feel. So, if you don’t know already what in your life brings you those things, it’s about finding them and what fills you up, what nourishes you, what excites you, what makes you smile. Do those activities to help you focus and find a more positive outlook, or find new activities that can help you, maybe, meditation, writing, and play time. Now I know some of you cringe at the word meditation, and think it is only sitting quietly with a clear mind. Next to impossible right? But there are many different ways one can meditate, for me, what works best, is a walking meditation, getting out in nature, by myself, and starting a conversation with myself about what’s going on, what I’m concerned about, what I’d like to try, whatever is on my mind. Just breathing the air, taking time to soak up my surroundings and just being with myself, helps me to sort through many issues or mental blocks that I may be experiencing. There are many different ways to meditate, find one that works for you. Writing is also a good one. I was never a writer before this journey, I would never just sit down and write, but I found that when I did interesting things would come out of it, things I didn’t even know I thought, or felt, would pour out onto the page or screen, don’t think about it, just start writing. And, if you’re struggling with positivity in your life, write down five positive things at the bottom of the page each time. If you have a hard time starting to write, maybe start with what the benefits are of accomplishing each item on your should list, how would that benefit you, how would that change your life. Focus on the positive nature of doing good things for yourself and improving your life with those actions. The third activity, play, make sure to schedule fun in your life, those things that make you smile, laugh, or fill you with joy. There are always things we have to do that we don’t necessarily want to do so I always make sure to bookend those things with something fun, something I enjoy or like to do, that way I’m going into the not so fun activity with joy and I have something to look forward to when I finish.

When we feel good about ourselves, finding love, joy, and contentment in our day, we find it easier to go from should to could, and, taking action with our could list, we ultimately find that list turned from could to did. You can do it SLAYER, I know you can, but it starts with believing you can and then pulling the trigger and doing it.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you make excuses for not going after or doing the things on your should list? What’s stopping you? Are these legitimate reasons, or excuses? What can you do to start to take action on the items on your should list? Pick one. What can you do to tackle this? Have you tried in the past? How did you fail? How did you succeed, even if it was just a little. How can you try to tackle it in a different way than last time? Do you believe you can tackle and take action on the items on your should list? If not why? You can SLAYER. You have the power to do that, it just takes commitment and some work, but it’s worth it, you’re worth it, start small and build from there. Each step you take in a positive way will build a strong foundation under your feet, and help you build the skills you need to continue moving forward. SLAY on.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Know Your Own Power

Before taking this journey I thought I was powerless, I never would have let you know that, because on the outside I presented a powerful front that was run purely on self-will and stubbornness, but inside, I felt helpless, alone, and a victim of life. And I was, because that was the outlook I chose to see. There are certain things we do not have power over, many things in fact, but what we do have power over is how we react to them, or, if we choose to engage with them at all, that, is in within our power. We have so much more power than we think, and when we start to exercise that power, and align those choices with our hopes, dreams and goals, our power grows and we go from powerless, to powerful.

No one us you. No one. There is power in that. There is no other person in the world who brings exactly what you have in the package you have it, no one. Know that. Own it. Use it. Even though you may have similar or shared experiences with other people, even though you may have similar backgrounds or education, no one has exactly what you have. Find the strength and power in that and use it to harness your talents, your ambitions, to go after what you want, use it to push you forward toward your goals and the direction you want to go. Don’t wait for permission to do something, create it, do it, go get it, work for it, make it happen. You are only as outside the center of power as you allow yourself to be, because truthfully, you are the center of your own power. Own that space, stand firm in who you are and what you want and take action.

This goes back to many of the topics I’ve discussed previously at State Of Slay, like many topics I discuss, everything builds on itself to create a solid foundation for us to stand, and to leap from, so we can rise to greater heights. Each step builds on the next, and gives us more self-confidence and strength to move forward, even if we’re still working on finding something in ourselves, the act of doing, seeking, or trying, works as a stepping stone to get us to the next step, and in trusting in the act of doing, sometimes we find the answer there. I’ve learned along my way that I’m not always going to figure it all out just because I’m working to do so, but I trust that I am learning what I need to know and gaining the information I need and I understand it when I’m supposed to have it, when I’m meant to, and that when I’m meant to understand or get what I’m working to find or achieve, I will, as long as I keep doing the work, so, even if you don’t have what you think you need to move forward, trust that you have enough, and that you will have the rest when you do need it and are ready, just take action, take action with the best of intentions with the information you do have, and move forward toward the things you want. I know that can be difficult when you’re struggling with self-doubt, or slow self-esteem, but just the act of doing it anyway, as I’ve mentioned before, taking contrary action, can help you gain more self-esteem and start to chip away at your self-doubt because you are taking positive steps towards being your authentic self and going after what you want. Never be ashamed of that. Never give up if it’s something you want and are willing to work for it. Keep moving forward and focus on your inner strength, your inner power, visualize it, use it to move you when you feel paralyzed with fear or uncertainty, use to grow, and to shine your light.

Know your power, and own it.

There is only one you, that is our power SLAYER. SLAY on.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you see and feel the power you have within? If not, why not? How do you think you can find it? Only you have the power to find your own power, and when you do, and you find the fire within you, you have the fuel to propel you to where you want to do, you have the fuel to shine bright in all that you do. It’s time to take action SLAYER, to find and own your power, to know that you are like no one else out there, only you are you. Write down 5 things that you think make you special. Write down 5 things you love about yourself. Write down 5 things that you want for yourself. Now use those things that make you special, use those things that you love about yourself, and go get the things you want! You, SLAYER, have the power to do that.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Fears are not facts, they lie to us and hold us back from reaching our potential. You hold the key to setting yourself free by walking through your fears to freedom.

SLAY on!

State Of Slay Fears

Before You Do Something, Say Something

I used to sit alone and ponder all of kinds of brilliant ideas about life, about who I was, and what I was going to do. As I slide down deeper and deeper into darkness, those ideas became more and more morose, and ultimately destructive, but because I wasn’t sharing them with anyone they sounded like the truth, like my best options, and the solution to all my problems. I thought that no one else would understand, that people would think I was crazy, or judge me, so I kept quiet, continuing to stew in my own frustration, loneliness, and self-loathing. I had a plan and I wasn’t about to ruin it by telling anyone. Luckily for me something compelled me to finally share, and I did before moving forward with my plan, with the tiny bit of light left in me, I did reach out to someone I trusted and I told them what was going on, that conversation saved my life.

It’s easy to believe the voices in our heads, the negative bullshit committee that pipes up whenever we are feeling low, with all kinds of ideas and negative affirmations to make us feel even lower than we already do, and are meant to keep us away from the ones we love, and who love us. They are exactly that, bullshit, they are not the truth, they are telling us lies, stories, to fit the narrative they want us to believe, that we are garbage, that no one cares, that we are better off alone, or not here, but that’s not the truth, none of it! When that committee pipes up that’s a sign to reach out, to practice contrary action and talk to someone, to make plans with someone to do something you like to do, or, just ask someone to listen. Do the opposite of what you want to do. Sometimes taking that step is the like trying to walk with weighted shoes, but when you fight for that step into the light, each step will get easier, it will become less of a chore, and will scare you less. Reach out, and tell people what is going on for you that day.

My negative committee still chimes in, almost every day, it loves to chatter on telling me things that I don’t care to listen to, it takes a commitment on my part to not listen, to tell them to shut up because I’m not interested in what they have to say. For me, I have a few tools in my SLAY chest to keep them quiet; self-care, speaking my truth, giving back, and living in gratitude. If I am practicing these things, those voices don’t get very loud, and even if they do, I can focus on something positive to quiet them down. But, there have been times that nothing I do seems to get them to go away, and that’s when it’s important to tell someone about it, to not suffer long, and to be brave and share my truth with others. As I’ve said before, when we talk about something it looses it’s power over us, it does, it no longer has us shackled to it like some grotesque secret, it’s out, and within the process of letting it go there is a place for a solution to be found.

No one has an excuse to suffer in silence. There are so many people and outlets available to aid us in our times of need. Whether it’s through friends or family, clergy, support groups, hotlines, social media groups or pages, a social worker, counsellor, or just a neighbor, there is always someone available to listen, and if the first try doesn’t work, try again, if the second try doesn’t work, try again, you’ll get who you are meant to talk to, even if it takes a few extra tries. I was able to turn my life around because I made one phone call, and that phone call set out a chain of events that has gotten me here, to this place, to a place of living in the light, and a place where I can sit down and write this blog.

If you feel alone and that you have no one to talk to, find the courage to reach out and find someone who will, they are out there, and so is a bigger better life for you if you choose to take it. SLAY on.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you reach out to others when you are feeling down? If not, why? What do you think will happen if you do? Are there maybe a better group of people you could be reaching out to? Make a list of people or organizations you feel you could reach out to in times of crises. Do you feel that you matter? If not, why? You DO matter. There is no need for you to suffer alone, there are countless others who feel like you do and think like you do, but are living productive positive lives, I am one of them, it just takes you reaching out and sharing who you are and what’s going on. Before you do something you can’t take back, do something that you might not have done, tell someone, I, along with the other SLAYERS will light your path as you find our way home.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Emotional Vampires: They’ve Come To Suck Your Life

We’ve all encountered them, we may have been them from time to time, or maybe we still are. For me, before setting out on this path I would isolate more than anything, but I do see times when I held people hostage, wanting and needing attention because I was feeling empty and less than. Emotional vampires are out there, looking to lock us in and not let us go, they have many tactics and try different angles to engage with us and suck us in to their life with no intention of letting us go. How do we know we’ve encountered an emotional vampire? We feel it, we feel like the life has literally been sucked out of us, they feed off of us, our energy, our interest, or caring natures, and keep taking until we are depleted, exhausted, and can’t take anymore. It is up to us to spot these vampires and not let them take control of time and energy, to set a boundary with them, and, even better, to recognize them for what they are and not engage with them in the first place.

So, who are the emotional vampires? They come in various forms, they may come in the form of Continuous Chatter. This person is always talking, always has something to say, and typically talks so fast, and over you that you never get a word in edgewise. They also can be space invaders, talk so close to us that they invade our personal space, putting us on edge and while we’re trying to get away. We all know these people, they’re only concerned with talking about themselves and what’s happening with them, they never ask you what’s happening for you and how you are, and even if they do, they just talk over you with something else they think is more important. Then there’s the Drama Mama. Everything with these people is a 911 emergency, a breaking news event full of headlines, sirens, and epic details, even if they’re just walking the dog. These people always have something going on, something amazing, or something devastating they just need to tell you about, again, never really wanting your opinion unless it consists of praise or consolation, but only if you’re brief, there’s always more to their story. There’s the Egoist. The person who thinks the world revolves around them, that everything they are doing is bigger, better, and brag worthy, they are out to impress, and if you don’t give them what they want, they turn mean and ugly, shooting arrows at you and claiming you’re jealous of their accomplishments and life. There’s also the Victim or Martyr, always hard done by, always had the best of intentions, but were quashed, thrown to the side like trash, the world is always against them and they’re looking to you for validation as a friend, and again, never letting the conversation steer anywhere in your direction, for fear that you could take the spotlight from this constant victim. And then there’s the Master Manipulator. This person is constantly trying to control the narrative, control how you feel by invalidating your feelings and turning the spotlight back to them. No matter what we say, they are there to offer their unsolicited advice to show us how we’re living life wrong and they’ve got all the solutions. Any of these sound familiar?

So, how do we protect ourselves from these people? Well, we need to asses who these people are and decide whether or not they stay in our lives, if some of them do, we need to recognize what they’re doing, and, we need to set boundaries with them to protect our own life, peace, and serenity. Typically these people are very limited emotionally, they don’t get emotionally connected and involved, so it’s important that we don’t either. Once you’ve identified who they are and what they want, you have to counter that, so if they often cut you off it’s up to you to speak up and let them know that you’re willing to listen, but they always have to be willing to listen to you as well, to your thoughts, opinions, concerns, whatever you may have going on in your life at that time. It’s also about letting them know that your time is valuable, if it isn’t a good time to talk, if you’re working, if you’re with your family, or in the middle of something, let them know that, excuse yourself from the conversation. If they’re insisting on talking and telling you what to do you have every right to tell them that it isn’t a good time, you can thank them for their advice but tell them you need to work through it on your own. Don’t be afraid to be assertive, this is your time, energy, and serenity you’re protecting, and it, as well as you, are important. Don’t be shy about protecting yourself and your peace of mind.

At the end of the day this again goes back to my blog People Picker, it’s about making sure we’re choosing the right people to share our lives with, we need to be on the lookout for Emotional Vampires, and spot the signs of what they are and what they’re trying to do, when we are able to pinpoint it, we are able to counter their behavior with healthy choices for ourselves, and also look for the signs when we might be slipping into some of their behavior looking for an outside fix to an inside problem. Stay open, honest, and in the light, the vampires don’t like it there. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you have Emotional Vampires in your life? Write down all the people who fall into this category and write down which one or ones they are? Have you fallen prey to their actions in the past? How so? What can you do to protect yourself in the future? How have you been an Emotional Vampire in the past? What do you think you were looking for and why? How can you make sure you don’t continue that behavior in the future? Be strong in who you are, and project yourself from anyone who does not respect you, your time, and your peace of mind.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

It’s OK To Say You Don’t Know

I used to think I always had to have an answer for everything, so if I didn’t I would make one up or rush to judgement. I was always afraid to say I didn’t know, or wasn’t sure about something, like life was a game show and if I didn’t have an answer a loud buzzer was going to go off pronouncing me a bigger loser than I already thought I was. Life isn’t a game show, and sometimes we don’t know, and, that’s OK.

There’s so much freedom in saying we don’t know, it takes the pressure off of always have to know, to have an opinion, or to have an answer right there on the spot. Sometimes it does take time, sometimes we need more information, and sometimes, we just don’t know. I had a close friend who I admired a lot for the way she handled things she wasn’t sure of, I remember asking her about a situation I was going through, something I was struggling with and asked for her guidance and opinion on it, she turned to me and said, “Carrie I don’t know, but let’s find the answer,” I thought, wow, what an incredible response, one I appreciated for it’s honesty and her openness to learn with me and investigate further. And that’s how I try to look at things I don’t know, an investigation, going back to what I’ve talked about in the past, finding out the facts, what  I know to be true, and once I’ve got all of that I then can usually find an answer, even if my answer still is, I don’t know, I need more time. Life, many times, isn’t black or white, as I’ve mentioned, so it isn’t always clear on what the next right thing is, or where we stand on that. Like most things, life is a process, and sometimes that process takes time, and our process is moving at the time and speed unique to us, as is everyone else’s, so we might not have the answers that everything else may have at the same time, and that’s OK.

What we are responsible for is being true to ourselves, being honest with people in our lives, and doing the work to find the answers we need to make the best decisions, we also owe it to ourselves to let those answers come when they are meant to and not jumping the gun and blurting out something just to have an answer.

Once I got over the fear of saying I didn’t know I found a freedom there, I gave myself permission to learn and grow in that place, to discover, to find out, and that felt exciting, and I knew I would know when and what I supposed to, it took so much pressure off of me to always know everything, or to make up something that sounded like I did. I found that I was a lot less embarrassed later on or had to make less apologies because I hadn’t made up something that possibly wasn’t true just to not be the person who didn’t know. No one knows everything, the whole point of life to learn, to grow, to experience new things to help us on our journey, if we knew everything there would be nothing left to strive for, to push us, to challenge us, it’s not knowing that drives us and pushes us forward to new things, new experiences, new challenges we might never have had before.

There’s no shame in saying you don’t know, in fact, the only shame is not living your truth, and, feeling like you have to make something up to cover up who you really are and what you really think. If you don’t know, say it, you might be opening yourself up to discovering the answer with someone who also doesn’t know, opening yourself up to a new friendship, or a chance to get closer to someone already in your life who also is seeking the answers you are, or, just discovering the answers on your own, but by giving yourself the gift of time to find them you allow yourself to move forward in your own time and honor where you are at on your path or journey . That, I know.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you think you always have to have an answer? What is your fear of not having one? What are some things you don’t have an answer for? What do you think will happen if you were asked about them and you would say you didn’t know? Do you think those fears are real? Challenge yourself SLAYER to be open and honest about the things you know and don’t know, challenge yourself to say you don’t know if you don’t, and be open to finding out. SLAY on

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you