truth

Communication Is The Key

Communication is something I had to learn on this path. It was not a skill I had growing up, I was too full of fear to speak up, to reach out, or to dare share my truth. There were so many times, looking back, when I was asked about my feelings, or what I thought, where I stood there, paralyzed, and couldn’t find the words to express how I felt. I would get embarrassed, but the words would just not come out. They would get all scrambled in my head, and just get stuck there. It was out of an act of desperation that I was able to communicate my need for help, and share with a trusted friend what was really going on in my life, and that I wanted it to stop. That same desperation was the catalyst for me learning how to communicate with others. I had kept my truth so bottled up for so long, that my life now depended on me speaking up.

Communication can be difficult. We may fear of being judged. We may not find the right words to rightly express how we’re feeling. Or we feel like we don’t want to be bother to someone by unleashing our problems on them. All of these self-made obstacles need to be overcome before we can cultivate healthy, long-lasting relationships, and truly find our way on our path.

For me the first obstacle was the fear. Fear that you all would judge me for not having it all together, for getting myself into the situation I had, fear I wouldn’t say the right things, just plain fear I couldn’t even identify. So, I surrounded myself with like-minded people. People who had been through what I was going through, or were going through it as well. That helped with the fear a bit. But it was by stepping out of my comfort zone to find others like me that I was able to get over the fear. I had to just jump in. It helped to have others around me who were sharing their truths with me and others, I saw that they weren’t being judged, in fact, the opposite was happening, they were being supported, encouraged and loved, so I stepped out of my comfort zone a little further and started to share, and, I received the same response. It became easier the more I did it, and now, I don’t even hesitate. The more we do something, the more it becomes our new normal, and, we start to make healthier and better choices for ourselves.

I learned that being honest was always the best route to go, now, I did have to learn how to fine tune that a little bit, learn to read the situation and the people involved, because just blurting out my truth could do more damage than not sharing it at all. I had to learn to be compassionate to those around me, to not withhold what I needed to say, or how I felt, but to make sure I wasn’t doing more damage by sharing my truth in maybe a blunt or sudden way. At the beginning, and sometimes I still do, I would think how I would want to be told the information I needed to share, to think about how that person might feel once I shared what I needed to. I had some misfires at the beginning, but that’s to be expected with anything new, it takes time to find the right tone, and to never let your needs rise above what someone else is able to listen to.

Communication really is the key to most of our problems. It’s about being honest, but also compassionate for others in our lives, about making sure you’re intentions are clear, your expectations are clear, and that your voice is heard, but, never the expense of anyone else. When we communicate we learn about others, we invite discussion, we are open to suggestions, to new solutions, and we are our authentic selves. Learning to communicate brings us closer to people, it strengthens our relationships and bonds, and, it strengthens our self-worth and self-respect. Communication is the clarifyer, it allows us to step out of who we once were and into the light of who we are meant to become. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you have trouble communicating with others? How so? Why do you think that is? What are some bad experiences you’ve had with communication? What are some good? Of those bad experiences, what could you have said or done in terms of your own communication that would have improved that situation? What stops you from doing that? I challenge you SLAYER, this week, to practice your communication skills. Look for opportunities to communicate better, clearer, and allowing more of you to come out and share with those around you. Find your voice, and share your true self, it’s within that practice that we begin to find our way on our own path to who we are meant to be.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! You’ve done better than you realize. You’ve helped more than you know. You’re closer than you think. Find your purpose and get out there and be your best you!

New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Awesome

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! We are all connected by our stories, by what we share, what we reveal, and what we take away.

New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Stigma

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! We are all connected by our truth. The greatest gift can we give, to ourselves, and others, is to share that truth, and listen to someone share theirs. It’s those connections that give us strength, and give us hope.

SLAY on!

State Of Slay Share (1)

You Have A Lot In Common With People You Have Little In Common With

That one makes you think doesn’t it? When we are feeling low, alone, and are sitting in the dark, we feel like no one would understand what we’re going through, we feel lost, like we’re the only ones who are, or have, gone through what we’re going through. But the truth is, many of us have similar or shared experiences, even with those people, from the outside, we have very little in common with.

When I finally made the decision to fight for myself, a big part of that was joining a support group. I went, the first time, because a friend I trusted suggested I go, so I went, trepidatiously, thinking I was going to sit there and listen to people I couldn’t relate to and leave feeling even more alone than I already did. The opposite happened. As I sat there in the back of the room I looked around. None of these people looked like me, they didn’t necessarily come from the background I had, how were they going to help me. Well, the first woman who spoke and shared her truth told my story. Not exactly, but what she shared was so similar to my own experiences I almost thought I had been set up by my friend and the people in that room had been told what to say. In fact, I think I accused him of it once or twice. But what really happened as I continued to listen to various people, who all were sharing their own experiences, which mirrored mine, is that even though I wouldn’t have thought we had anything in common by just looking at their outsides, our insides were the same. We did the same things, thought the same things, and, had said many of the same things, one of which being that we didn’t belong there before we realized the truth.

You see the truth is we have a lot more in common with those around us than we think. And, we only discover that when we share our truth with another person, or, group of people. Those stories saved my life because I realized that I was in a safe place, and within that place there was a solution to a better life. I wasn’t the only one, all of the people in that room were just like me, and they were all committed to getting better, and, supporting each other along the way. I’d never encountered anything like it. I had gone through my whole life thinking I was different, odd, and the only one who thought the way I did, it was baffling, but refreshing to learn that that wasn’t the truth. I felt safe among those people because I knew they wouldn’t judge me, I mean, they were just like me, and I them, so no one was pointing any fingers saying I should have done better, we collectively were there saying we were going to do better today.

It’s easy to look around and think you have nothing in common with those around you, or, that you are the only one who has done the things you’ve done, but I am here to tell you, that that is not the truth. There are many who are just like you, and will understand you. At the beginning of my journey I was asked to look at the similarities and not the differences, because my disease, on a bad day, would try to excuse a way the connections I was making, it would try to nitpick their stories and highlight what didn’t match up with mine, but when I was able to take a step back, and really listen, I realized that there was far more in common than not, and I found strength and hope there.

I challenge you SLAYERS to do the same. Look for what you have in common with the people in your life, share your truth and see how that commonality comes out when two people share their truth. You are not alone, there are many who walk the same path you do, the question is, do you choose to walk the path in the dark, or the path that is lit from all those like you who have walked before you. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you look for the differences in yourself and other people? Why do you think you do this? Do you tend to judge your insides to other people’s outsides? No one really knows someone’s true story unless you take the time to sit and share with them, and them you. It’s in those moments we realize that most of us are all truly connected by shared experiences, even in the most uncommon of circumstances. I once had a tough-looking biker, big guy, lots of tattoos, wearing his leathers, walk up to me and thank me for my honesty because he really related to my story, I smiled and said that only because we were both living in our truth did we get to realize that, and thanked him for his honesty that day. Be honest, be you, share who you are and see how that truth connects you to others who are just like you, maybe not on the outside, but inside, where it counts.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Always speak your truth, even if your voice shakes.

New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Lie

Our White Lies Don’t Protect Us, They Damage Us

I used to tell little white lies, and some big ones too, and tell myself I was telling them to make things easier, to not hurt someone’s feelings, or to protect myself from someone else, but all I was really doing was looking for an excuse not to tell the truth, and by not telling the truth I was not only damaging those relationships, but I was damaging myself. I was also living a life that was not based in truth. My life, then, was based in fear. Fear of missing out, fear of loosing what I had, fear that you wouldn’t like me, fear I wouldn’t get what I wanted, fear I wasn’t good enough, fear of…well, fear. So when a life is ruled by fear, the truth, is not the first thing that comes to mind. My life was built on so many half-truths, or white lies, that it constantly felt like a house of cards that was about to tumble to the ground at any moment. That feeling, that life I built for myself, kept me in a steady state of manipulating the truth. I twisted the facts to suit my needs, to tell the story I wanted to tell, one that always favored me, because in my mind, the chips were stacked against me, so why shouldn’t I try to level the playing field? What this thinking, and this way of life got me, was more and more fear. To the point where I couldn’t keep track of all the lies anymore so I retreated and hide by myself, alone in the darkness.

When I stepped on this path, this path of light, this path, had no room for lies, only the truth. That scared me. But I had lived so long not telling the truth, a path that led nearly lead me to my death, that I knew it was time to start telling the truth. As terrified as I was, I knew, my life depended on it. I started with the friends and family who meant the most to me, I just let it all out. Shared my truth. I wasn’t worried about what they would think of me, I just knew I had stop hiding, so I jumped in, full throttle. The response was positive, supportive, and that felt good, but I knew I had to keep going. I had to make this my new way of life if it was going to work, going to stick, and if I was going to continue to heal, continue to grow.

When we tell white lies it chips away at our self-respect, we tell ourselves that our truth isn’t good enough, and that we are not good enough. And if we can’t be truthful about ourselves we start to suspect others are doing the same, believing that they are lying to us, or trying to manipulate us, as we are to them. It’s a vicious cycle. And one that doesn’t end unless we stop and start telling the truth. If we can’t trust ourselves and our truth, how can we trust anyone else? That trust, that truth, starts with us. In fact, it’s all we really do have control over, we don’t really know truly what someone else’s truth is, but we control how we share ours, that we share ours, and so no matter what happens, we know we’ve been truthful and that we have nothing to hide, and when we find that place of truth for ourselves, we find self-respect, we find self-love, we find self-worth. We also find our relationships get stronger, and those that don’t, were perhaps, weren’t built on truth in the first place, but the real relationships, those lasting relationships we all desire, those, those get stronger.

I’ve learned on my journey that telling the truth really is much easier. Even during those times when I think it will be hard, I’ve always found that when I share the truth, or my truth, most times, it’s received far better than what I had anticipated, and if it isn’t received well, that’s some useful information to have. Most people prefer us to be honest with them, certainly anyone in my life surely does, and I them, so start to practice being honest in your life, even those little white lies we think can’t hurt anyone, hurt us most of all, but chipping away at who we are and what we stand for. Always stand tall and tell your truth, you never know, one day, your life might depend on it.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you find yourself telling little white lies? Why do you think you do this? What’s the last one you told? Why did you tell it instead of the truth? How do you think it helped you? How do you think it hurt you? Do you think the person you told it to would be upset if they found out? Would you be upset if you found out someone had told the same lie to you? Are you in fear of being found out? When you tell a lie how does that make you feel? How does it make you feel to tell the truth? I challenge you SLAYER, to tell the truth this week, to walk through your fear of being honest and see how that changes you, how that makes you feel. Be you. And, SLAY on!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! It’s healthy to admit you’re not OK. It’s brave. But don’t let it win. Be sad. Have your moment, your day or week. Then do something about it, do something for you, and find your happy again.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Broken

It’s OK Not To Be OK

I’ve talked about this in previous blogs, and on numerous occasions on SLAY TALK LIVE, but wanted to give this some attention of its own, for those of you out there struggling, hiding how you feel, putting on a smile when your heart is broken, pretending that everything is OK, here’s what I want to say, it’s OK not to be OK. I almost didn’t get the opportunity to learn this. I spent my whole life pretending everything was OK, and I got so good at it, at stuffing down my true feelings, that pretty much everyone bought it, and no one caught on to the collision course with death I was really on.

I thought, that if I pretended everything was OK all the time that no one would ask any questions, and you know what, for the most part I was right, but in many cases the people I was choosing to have in my life were emotionally unavailable so I knew they wouldn’t ask me any questions, and if they started to, I would phase them out. I thought, that if I told you something was wrong or that I had a problem you wouldn’t want to talk to me, that you had your own problems and didn’t want to hear about mine. I was wrong. But it took a long slide into the darkness to finally see how I wrong I was.

It wasn’t until I finally reached out for help, when I finally, in a place of desperation, said I wasn’t OK and I didn’t know what to do about it, that I realized, slowly I might add, that it was OK not to be OK. That if being not OK was my truth I needed to share it. I needed to talk about it. I needed to let people know. I had thought people would distance themselves from me when I finally pulled the curtain back to reveal the sad and damaged woman I truly was, the complete opposite of what I had been portraying for my entire life up until then. I thought people would retreat. But I knew my life depended on my honesty in that moment, I knew, regardless of the outcome, I had to speak my truth. What happened wasn’t a retreat, but the outpouring of a lot of support, a lot of love, and a lot of friendships that were strengthened because of my honesty, and, a lot of new friendships with others who were also struggling like I was, or, had been and were doing better. There was strength in saying I wasn’t OK, in declaring it, being honest about it, voicing it. The shame of it lost its power over me. It was out, and nothing bad happened, in fact, a lot of good happened. I started to get better. I started to have more self-confidence. More self-love. Self-respect. I started being honest, with myself, and those around me, and that felt good. It wasn’t fun holding everything in, not sharing, lying to people about how I was, it was a lot of work, exhausting, and deceitful. It was actually a relief to let it all out and not hide in the shadows anymore. Now as great as it felt, it was also scary at first, it wasn’t what I used to, and it wasn’t always as easy as it is now, but the more I did it, the more comfortable I got, and the more I realized that my truth was connecting me to others in my life, so even when I wasn’t OK, I had the love and support of other people to help me get to the other side.

No one is OK all the time. No one. So why do you expect yourself to be? We all have good days and bad days, or weeks, months, years even, but when you keep it all in, hiding the truth, those bad times get magnified, they grow, manifest worse, and even darker darkness. Speak your truth, share what is going on, and when you do, you will find a SLAYER army around you to support you as you walk through that time. We are all alike, we’ve all been there, and, will be again, so we understand, and we stand by you on those days when you are not OK. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: When you are not OK, do you share that with others? What is the result? If you don’t, why don’t you? What are you afraid of? Is this fear-based on facts, or an imagined outcome in your mind? Do you have people in your life who you trust? Who you admire? Who you can talk to? If not, why not? Write down an instance when you shared your truth with someone and something good came out of that. If you never have, I challenge you SLAYER to do it, to share your truth with someone you trust, or connect with. It’s OK to not be OK, and just saying we’re not, gets us on the road to recovery. Take that step SLAYER.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! People generally see what they want to see, and hear what they want to hear, but when you always speak your truth, you hold the key to your own peace of mind.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Truth 1