light

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! A miracle can be the shift in perception of fear into love, dark into light.

New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Miracle 2 (1)

Don’t Stop Before The Miracle Happens

I was speaking last night at a rehab center in LA. I enjoy speaking to people who are at a crossroads in their life, it’s something I relate to very much, as I have had many, but one in particular where I chose to step into the light instead of slip into the darkness. We do always have a choice. I never plan what I’m going to say when I go to speak, I trust that the words will come out of my mouth that are meant to and that my story or message will land where it’s supposed to land. I was reminded last night of a miracle I experiences early on in my journey, a milestone that I had placed importance on, and that if I didn’t feel better by that milestone I would set out on my original plan to take my own life. I made a promise to myself three months earlier, that I would work to live in the light, that I would do what was suggested and dive into whatever work I needed to do to get better, and if I didn’t feel better at the end of that three months then I was free to let go. But something miraculous happened. When I hit that three month mark, having worked very hard to change the way I had been living and better myself, I no longer wanted to die. Now, I’m not saying it was all rainbows and unicorns from then on, it certainly was not, and I had a lot more work to do, but I wanted to stay and do it. By changing my actions, by doing what I could to take action in a positive way I had changed the trajectory of my life. It was, by all accounts, a miracle, as I had spent years prior wanting to die, and at that moment, on that milestone, I realized I didn’t. That was the first miracle I’ve received on this 12 year plus journey.

I’m grateful to always remember that. It reminds me that anything is possible. Change makes things possible, it’s not always easy, but when we stick to it, dedicate ourselves to it, miracles happen. They truly do. I am a living example of that, and each of us who has made it back from the depths of darkness and despair are as well.

A big part of that for me is sharing my story with others, because it not only may give someone else the hope they need to start their journey, or continue on their path, but it reminds me that miracles do happen and to keep going. That what I need to focus on is doing what’s best for me and my mental health, and when I do, and am able to be my best self, miraculous things happen. When we are at the depths of our depression, our despair, it doesn’t seem like anything will or can help, it seems hopeless, and it only is if we don’t take positive action to bring some light into our lives. And, believing we deserve to. As I’ve mentioned before, it starts with willingness, if we are willing things start to happen, it may be slow at first, but willingness opens the door, even if just a crack, and the more we take action to live in the light, the more that door opens and the more light comes in. That all may seem really daunting at first, or from where you’re sitting right now, but, you only have to do the next right thing, that’s it, just one thing, and that one thing will lead you to the next, which will lead you to the next and so on. But it starts with one thing. You don’t have to worry where all those things will lead you, just keep doing them and you will be amazed because before you know things will change, shift, get better, just by doing those small things each day. I started over 12 years ago and still do them each day, and each day I am amazed at the beauty that my life has and the many miracles that have happened along the way, but the most important miracle of all is that I am here, and that today I want to spread and share my light with others, rather than die in the dark.

Go find your miracle, stay on the path of light, and watch your life change. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you want things to be better for yourself? What gets in the way? What can you do today to step into the light, to take action and get yourself on a better path? What has stopped you in the past? Is this something real or what you tell yourself to keep yourself in the dark? Is it something someone else tells you? Why do you think they’re telling you that? No one has the right to tell you who you are and what you deserve, only you can do that. So stand up SLAYER, dust yourself off and change your path, step into the light and start the story of the rest of your life.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Nothing you can reach for can fill your soul, that is an inside job that only you can fill yourself.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Love Yourself

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Happiness can always be found, even on the darkest days, if you remember to leave a light on.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Find Happiness

Explosion In Reverse

I was with a group of people the other day and someone said, “watching you get better was like watching an explosion in reverse.” It made me laugh, but then when I thought about it, it was the perfect analogy. I myself had certainly imploded years ago, and even after the implosion I still went on for years before seeking help.  It’s like all of the good parts of me, my heart, my soul, had blown away in an explosion and yet I kept on going, an empty vessel propelling itself forward, until it just couldn’t anymore. All of my pieces had blown away and there was nothing left but a shell. Imagining myself, and all those pieces coming back to together is a beautiful image. I like to think they came back in a different order, or arrangement then they weren’t in before, and, perhaps, picked up some new ones, better ones, along the way. But that statement got me thinking about what happens to us as we break down, as we lose parts of ourselves as we slowly, or with one big bang, explode from the inside out.

I’ve talked a lot about feeling empty and hollow, and that I’ve seen pictures of myself from that period of time in my life and have not recognized the person in the picture as me. Not only were all the good pieces gone, but my light had completely gone out, just leaving the darkness, and a deadness in my eyes. The first time it happened it scared me, it scared me to look at that woman and know that had been me, that woman looked like the walking dead, and the part of her that was still walking was wishing she was dead. I tell you this because that’s how far down I had fallen, I had reached a place where there wasn’t much left, and there wasn’t much to lose, but even when you’ve fallen that far down I can tell you, you can still climb back up, and, find those pieces you lost again.

I think about an actual explosion, that there is that moment where something ignites and boom! So when I think about an explosion in reverse, of ourselves, coming back to together, I think there is a boom and eventually, and ignition, that is when our light comes back on, when all those pieces we’ve lost come hurling back together, boom! There we are. It can be hard to muster the energy needed to pull off an explosion in reverse, I know for me, there were many days I didn’t think I had it in me, but I would rally my energy, and I would surround myself with others who had done it, or where doing it, so when I felt I couldn’t do it I used their energy, their light, to gather strength, to find the light within them to light my path until I had enough of my own to create my own explosion, the one that put me back to together.

I never want to forget that woman with dead eyes, that woman who stares back at me sometimes from old photographs, as hard as it is sometimes to look at her, I never want to forget her pain because if I do, and I forget that she still lives inside of me, I may forget why I work as hard as I do to keep her safe, to keep me safe from an explosion that could blow all my pieces away again.

SLAY OF THE DAY: When you think about yourself, do you feel like there are pieces of you that you’ve lost? What parts? How do you think you lost them? How can you get them back? Do you see a moment, or a time in your life, that you feel like you blew apart? What has been the result of that? What parts have you managed to recover? What are you still looking for? Find those parts SLAYER. For me it took different things, a lot of support from others, it took counseling, a lot of journaling, sharing my story with others, allowing others in, letting them love and support me, and learning to love myself. It didn’t happen overnight, but it did happen, a beautiful explosion in reverse. Let yourself go boom SLAYER, and come back to together.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

When We Share Our Stories, We Spread Hope

For those of you who join me for the SLAY TALK LIVE livestream each month, you’ve heard me talk about giving back, of spreading a positive message to those who need it, and of my commitment to spread a message of hope. Last night I spoke at a mental hospital here in Los Angeles. A place that is not a part of my story before stepping on this path, but probably should have been, heck, there are probably times even on this path I may have qualified for the psych ward, but it was a place I wanted to speak because of my own struggles with mental health issues, I wanted to bring some light to the patients there because, for many, is not the brightest time in their life.

We all have the ability to share who we are and where we’ve come from with others, I’ve talked about the power of that many times, and in my last blog, and how someone’s story saved my life, so it’s important for me to share mine with others. I’m a firm believer in we have to give away what we’ve learned to keep it. If we just keep it to ourselves we can lose it, we can forget where we came from, where we fought our way back from, who we used to be, it’s the act of giving it away and sharing it with others that reminds us of those things, keeps us humble, and keeps us on the right path. Tonight it reminded me of likely where I would end up, if I was lucky and didn’t harm myself, if I were to stop doing what I do each day to stay in the light. The privilege I enjoyed today of walking in for one hour and then walking out could easily be taken away if I let myself slide back into the dark hole that I once resided. The weight of that was not lost on me as I sat there and listened to the patients share their struggles and I watched as they found a little bit of hope in what we were saying. That could easily be me. In fact, when I first stepped out on this journey, that was me, I was just not institutionalized, but the fear, the desperation to find answers, solutions, was all the same, I identified myself with them, and hopefully they identified themselves in me and were able to see that there is hope, that if they are willing to do the work, to do what may not be comfortable, to do whatever it takes to get better, they can. We all can. I did.

Each one of our stories is valid. Each story has value. Each of us has something to share that can help another individual, or many, we all walk this path with many at our side, who are all doing the best they can, and together we can all help each other. We can offer someone hope. With hope in our hearts we can accomplish so much, it’s hope that opens the door to willingness, and willingness to taking action, and even the tiniest bit of it can save a life, can light a path, can be a beacon to bring someone home. It is the most beautiful gift we can give, and it’s a gift that gives back to us in return. For those of us that have come out the other side of our personal struggle, for those who have found a better way of life, solutions to those problems that used to plague us, hold us back, bring us down, we have a lot to share, even when we are still trying, working, to get out, or to a place we want to get to, our journeys so far can help someone who is just starting theirs, and may be just what they need to hear to find the courage to begin. Even on a bad day, a day when you think you have nothing to offer, you do, by being honest about your struggle you may help someone with theirs, and, you may just find a solution by talking it out. We are all here for reason, we are all here to learn, to grow, share what you have found so far. SLAY on.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you see that your story or journey so far may be the light that someone else might need? Do you see the value in your story? If not, why? Has someone else’s story inspired you or helped you on your path? If so, how? How can you SLAYER give back and share your story with others? How can you be of service to those out there who can be helped from your journey so far? We all have a gift to give, one of honesty and truth, no matter how we may feel on any given day, our story matters, and it may just be what someone else needs to hear.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! The closer we get to get to being who we are meant to be…the brighter we shine.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Light

Hope: The Greatest Gift Of All

I was sharing recently on SLAY TALK LIVE about giving the gift of hope and that it was that gift, that someone gave me years ago, that saved my life. It was the tiniest of sparks, but it was enough to get me to reach out for help. To reach for more than what I had, and to believe that it was possible to get it. I’m not talking material things here, I’m talking life, I’m talking self-esteem, I’m talking self-love. I hated myself and didn’t think that I deserved anything good in my life. The voices that I was listening to, the voices that had gotten so loud, told me I wasn’t worthy of more and because I wasn’t sharing my truth with anyone, those voices, even though they were lying to me, became my truth. I was lucky to receive that gift of hope from a friend, and I was lucky I was able to see that light in him, and that I recognized the darkness from where he came. There is no greater gift, to see that there is a solution, a way out, from someone who found it themselves. And as incredible as it was to have gotten that gift, it is also a gift to give that away. By being someone else’s light, their torch, and that tiny bit of hope that gives them a glimpse of what may be possible for them.

We do that by sharing ourselves with others, by being honest about our own story, or journey, and what we overcome, or have overcome, to get where we are today. We can listen to them, encourage them to speak their truth, and show them kindness. For me it took someone who had walked the path before to share his story for me to see that there was a solution for the way I was living my life, that he had done it, and maybe, so could I. My outlook had gotten so dim, but the light was just enough that I picked up the phone one morning and asked for help. It is by sharing that we connect with others, it is by sharing that those things we think are our deepest darkest secrets lose their power over us, it is by sharing that we start to get well. But offering someone hope can be as simple as listening to someone. As simple as letting someone know that they matter, that their voice is being heard and that their experience is valid. Sometimes it’s just listening, looking someone in the eye and saying, “I know,” or “I hear you.” In the end we all want to be loved, we want to know that we are not alone, and we want to connect with others we feel understand who we are, or where we’ve been. We want our dignity back, and we want to know how to get it back, even if we were the ones that took it away in the first place. Hope allows us to open the door to a better life, to a better us, to the possibility of doing things differently, and the possibility of different results. When we have hope and we see it in action, we start to fight for it, we start to fight for what we want, and when we do our path gets brighter, and when the light starts to come in we start to see things for what they are and not what we’ve told ourselves or built up in our heads. From hope comes healing.

People have overcome seemingly insurmountable obstacles because they had hope, whether internally themselves, or because it was given to them from others, but when we have hope in our hearts we have a fire burning inside of us that can propel us to make change, to fight for what we want, to resolves issues, to survive, and, to flourish. Hope won’t do it alone, because along with hope we have to roll up our sleeves and get to work, but it’s hope that will get us through when things get tough, when we get tired and when that voice tells we can’t win, hope tells we can. Hope is the greatest gift, hope saved my life, and I know the power in giving that away to someone else, in fact to keep it, we have to give it away, to see that spark in others, to see that light start to get bright for those who were living in the darkness. How can you SLAYER, pass on hope to someone in your life? To someone in your community? To someone in need of your light?

SLAY OF THE DAY: Have there been times in your life that hope got you through a tough time or a difficult decision? List those times. Have there been times that your hope burned brighter from helping someone else, and giving them hope? How did it? When you feel in need of hope, what do you do to find it? Or, how can you find it? Who or what in your life gives you the most hope? How can you share your hope with others? How do you feel when you do? Shine on SLAYER, and share the light that burns inside of you with those around you, when we give hope we get even more in return, and it turns our flame even brighter. SLAY on!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Are You In Love With Your Sadness?

I have to admit, I was. I had a total love affair with my sadness. I loved it. Sat in it. Relished it. It was my identity, the cloak I wore to protect myself from the outside world, a cloak that I thought kept me safe, but was slowly killing me, keeping me alone, and more and more disconnected from the world around me.

I used to wear my sadness like a badge of honor, I thought it made me a martyr, that I would get up and grace anyone in the day made me a hero, that I could overcome my sadness just long enough to participate in life made me a superhero I thought. But it was all self-indulgent bullshit. My sadness was within my control. My sadness was my choice. My sadness didn’t make me a martyr, it made me prisoner, but a prisoner of my own prison, that I had made. I would tell myself I was safe there, better off there, and deserved to be there, I thought it protected me from getting hurt, but it was holding me back from living life, from exploring new things, and from moving forward from the pain of my past. Looking back it was selfish, I cheated, not only myself, but everyone in my life from getting to know the real me, from me fully being engaged in my life and theirs, and from ever opening my heart.

When I look back at those years now I feel, well, sad. I feel sad for that girl who thought she didn’t deserve better. I feel sad that she wasted so many years hiding in the darkness when she could be been shining bright in the light. I feel like I never want to go back to being that sad girl and give up what I have now.

We get to choose, we get to say who we are, and how we’re going to live our lives, and today I choose happiness, gratitude, and light, to be brave and step out of the shadows, to connect with others like me, and to challenge myself to walk tall and be proud of who I am. Sometimes that sad girl creeps back, she finds me, and sometimes she’s hard to shake off, but I’m not her anymore, that dark cloak doesn’t feel good, it doesn’t feel safe anymore, it feels dangerous, and heavy, and suffocating. Thankfully that cloak doesn’t stay on too long today, my love affair with it has long past, even though the voices in my head will tell me that’s who I am, where I belong, I know different, I feel different, so I work to leave it behind. We have the power to leave it behind. We hold the key. And that key is light, a bright shiny light. When we let our light shine that dark cloak starts to disappear, the sadness starts to disappear, and we feel the warmth of our hearts, and who we are, who we are meant to be, anything else is a lie, a lie that we tell ourselves when we are afraid and we try to romanticize the darkness to make it OK to live there.

For me it took drastic changes to lose my love of my sadness, and it was hard to start, but just by doing loving things every day, for myself and others, the cloak of sadness slowly started to slip off, it slowly lost it’s place in my life, and it slowly went away.

It takes far more courage to live in the light than to bask in the darkness of our own sadness. We as SLAYERS don’t fear the light, we don’t back down from challenges and the work it might take to have a life that have dreamed of, a life full of goodness, love, and light. It’s there for us, if we choose to take it, and if we choose to shed our sadness for something brighter.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you have a love affair with the sadness in your life? Is your sadness a place that you feel safe? Do you let it define you? Do you see how it can be keeping you from connecting with people and living life? What’s stopping you from letting it go? Is it worth giving up living a happy and full life to continue loving your sadness? What do you think you would gain by letting it go? Is your sadness even valid, or is it events from your past? You have the choice SLAYER to linger in your sadness, or to let it go and live your life. It’s your choice. Stand in the light and let it go, the love you may feel for it doesn’t compare to the love that is waiting for you if you let it go. SLAY on.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER!  No matter where you come from, where you are, or what you’ve done, we are here. You are loved. You are worthy. Your voice will be heard. If you are suffering, reach out from the darkness, you are not alone.

New blog goes up Sunday…until then, SLAY on!

State Of Slay Not Alone