facts

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! It’s your choice today, are you going to be a victor, or a victim?

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Victor

Emotional Vampires: They’ve Come To Suck Your Life

We’ve all encountered them, we may have been them from time to time, or maybe we still are. For me, before setting out on this path I would isolate more than anything, but I do see times when I held people hostage, wanting and needing attention because I was feeling empty and less than. Emotional vampires are out there, looking to lock us in and not let us go, they have many tactics and try different angles to engage with us and suck us in to their life with no intention of letting us go. How do we know we’ve encountered an emotional vampire? We feel it, we feel like the life has literally been sucked out of us, they feed off of us, our energy, our interest, or caring natures, and keep taking until we are depleted, exhausted, and can’t take anymore. It is up to us to spot these vampires and not let them take control of time and energy, to set a boundary with them, and, even better, to recognize them for what they are and not engage with them in the first place.

So, who are the emotional vampires? They come in various forms, they may come in the form of Continuous Chatter. This person is always talking, always has something to say, and typically talks so fast, and over you that you never get a word in edgewise. They also can be space invaders, talk so close to us that they invade our personal space, putting us on edge and while we’re trying to get away. We all know these people, they’re only concerned with talking about themselves and what’s happening with them, they never ask you what’s happening for you and how you are, and even if they do, they just talk over you with something else they think is more important. Then there’s the Drama Mama. Everything with these people is a 911 emergency, a breaking news event full of headlines, sirens, and epic details, even if they’re just walking the dog. These people always have something going on, something amazing, or something devastating they just need to tell you about, again, never really wanting your opinion unless it consists of praise or consolation, but only if you’re brief, there’s always more to their story. There’s the Egoist. The person who thinks the world revolves around them, that everything they are doing is bigger, better, and brag worthy, they are out to impress, and if you don’t give them what they want, they turn mean and ugly, shooting arrows at you and claiming you’re jealous of their accomplishments and life. There’s also the Victim or Martyr, always hard done by, always had the best of intentions, but were quashed, thrown to the side like trash, the world is always against them and they’re looking to you for validation as a friend, and again, never letting the conversation steer anywhere in your direction, for fear that you could take the spotlight from this constant victim. And then there’s the Master Manipulator. This person is constantly trying to control the narrative, control how you feel by invalidating your feelings and turning the spotlight back to them. No matter what we say, they are there to offer their unsolicited advice to show us how we’re living life wrong and they’ve got all the solutions. Any of these sound familiar?

So, how do we protect ourselves from these people? Well, we need to asses who these people are and decide whether or not they stay in our lives, if some of them do, we need to recognize what they’re doing, and, we need to set boundaries with them to protect our own life, peace, and serenity. Typically these people are very limited emotionally, they don’t get emotionally connected and involved, so it’s important that we don’t either. Once you’ve identified who they are and what they want, you have to counter that, so if they often cut you off it’s up to you to speak up and let them know that you’re willing to listen, but they always have to be willing to listen to you as well, to your thoughts, opinions, concerns, whatever you may have going on in your life at that time. It’s also about letting them know that your time is valuable, if it isn’t a good time to talk, if you’re working, if you’re with your family, or in the middle of something, let them know that, excuse yourself from the conversation. If they’re insisting on talking and telling you what to do you have every right to tell them that it isn’t a good time, you can thank them for their advice but tell them you need to work through it on your own. Don’t be afraid to be assertive, this is your time, energy, and serenity you’re protecting, and it, as well as you, are important. Don’t be shy about protecting yourself and your peace of mind.

At the end of the day this again goes back to my blog People Picker, it’s about making sure we’re choosing the right people to share our lives with, we need to be on the lookout for Emotional Vampires, and spot the signs of what they are and what they’re trying to do, when we are able to pinpoint it, we are able to counter their behavior with healthy choices for ourselves, and also look for the signs when we might be slipping into some of their behavior looking for an outside fix to an inside problem. Stay open, honest, and in the light, the vampires don’t like it there. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you have Emotional Vampires in your life? Write down all the people who fall into this category and write down which one or ones they are? Have you fallen prey to their actions in the past? How so? What can you do to protect yourself in the future? How have you been an Emotional Vampire in the past? What do you think you were looking for and why? How can you make sure you don’t continue that behavior in the future? Be strong in who you are, and project yourself from anyone who does not respect you, your time, and your peace of mind.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

It’s OK To Say You Don’t Know

I used to think I always had to have an answer for everything, so if I didn’t I would make one up or rush to judgement. I was always afraid to say I didn’t know, or wasn’t sure about something, like life was a game show and if I didn’t have an answer a loud buzzer was going to go off pronouncing me a bigger loser than I already thought I was. Life isn’t a game show, and sometimes we don’t know, and, that’s OK.

There’s so much freedom in saying we don’t know, it takes the pressure off of always have to know, to have an opinion, or to have an answer right there on the spot. Sometimes it does take time, sometimes we need more information, and sometimes, we just don’t know. I had a close friend who I admired a lot for the way she handled things she wasn’t sure of, I remember asking her about a situation I was going through, something I was struggling with and asked for her guidance and opinion on it, she turned to me and said, “Carrie I don’t know, but let’s find the answer,” I thought, wow, what an incredible response, one I appreciated for it’s honesty and her openness to learn with me and investigate further. And that’s how I try to look at things I don’t know, an investigation, going back to what I’ve talked about in the past, finding out the facts, what  I know to be true, and once I’ve got all of that I then can usually find an answer, even if my answer still is, I don’t know, I need more time. Life, many times, isn’t black or white, as I’ve mentioned, so it isn’t always clear on what the next right thing is, or where we stand on that. Like most things, life is a process, and sometimes that process takes time, and our process is moving at the time and speed unique to us, as is everyone else’s, so we might not have the answers that everything else may have at the same time, and that’s OK.

What we are responsible for is being true to ourselves, being honest with people in our lives, and doing the work to find the answers we need to make the best decisions, we also owe it to ourselves to let those answers come when they are meant to and not jumping the gun and blurting out something just to have an answer.

Once I got over the fear of saying I didn’t know I found a freedom there, I gave myself permission to learn and grow in that place, to discover, to find out, and that felt exciting, and I knew I would know when and what I supposed to, it took so much pressure off of me to always know everything, or to make up something that sounded like I did. I found that I was a lot less embarrassed later on or had to make less apologies because I hadn’t made up something that possibly wasn’t true just to not be the person who didn’t know. No one knows everything, the whole point of life to learn, to grow, to experience new things to help us on our journey, if we knew everything there would be nothing left to strive for, to push us, to challenge us, it’s not knowing that drives us and pushes us forward to new things, new experiences, new challenges we might never have had before.

There’s no shame in saying you don’t know, in fact, the only shame is not living your truth, and, feeling like you have to make something up to cover up who you really are and what you really think. If you don’t know, say it, you might be opening yourself up to discovering the answer with someone who also doesn’t know, opening yourself up to a new friendship, or a chance to get closer to someone already in your life who also is seeking the answers you are, or, just discovering the answers on your own, but by giving yourself the gift of time to find them you allow yourself to move forward in your own time and honor where you are at on your path or journey . That, I know.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you think you always have to have an answer? What is your fear of not having one? What are some things you don’t have an answer for? What do you think will happen if you were asked about them and you would say you didn’t know? Do you think those fears are real? Challenge yourself SLAYER to be open and honest about the things you know and don’t know, challenge yourself to say you don’t know if you don’t, and be open to finding out. SLAY on

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slayer Say

Good morning SLAYER! The only obligation you have is to be your authentic self. No matter what others’ expectations may be for us, who we are, and what role we play in their lives is our decision, no one gets to dictate who we should be, that role is ours alone, and one we should be proud of.

New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Matter

Slayer Say

Good morning SLAYER!  Sometimes the best reaction is no reaction, it’s to pause, and think before you react, and maybe, step away until you can take the next right action. There are no bonus points for speed, take the time you need to gather your thoughts and get the facts.

SLAY on!

State Of Slay Think

Finding Grace In The Grey Areas

I used to think that everything had to be either black or white. If something didn’t fit in one of those two areas I would make it fit, bending it, manipulating it, twisting it to fit into the narrative I wanted to tell so it could be put neatly into the box I wanted it to. In doing so I was forcing things to only ever be one of two things in my mind, right or wrong. Life isn’t always that simple, many times it’s many things in between, and as much as I myself fought back to not to be put in a box, or be labelled as any one thing, I was doing just that with the people, places and things in my life. Much of that had to do with my need to control, to force things to be a certain way because it made me feel safe, smart, or better than, but I wasn’t living in truth, and I was missing out on appreciating all of the amazing things that live in the grey area, including myself.

When I started on this path, the grey area made me very uncomfortable, it felt unsafe, unmanaged, not defined enough, but as I started to open my mind, to see that things didn’t always fit in one of two places, the grey area started to become exciting, a little like the Wild West, where anything could happen. First I had to get comfortable with that, even though it seemed exciting, it felt scary, a little dangerous, and unpredictable, it was about learning to be comfortable in the uncomfortableness, which at first made me want to crawl out of my own skin, but I was encouraged to sit there and was told if I did, I could find peace there, and eventually grace. I did. And when I did it opened up a whole new world for me. A lot of life happens in the grey areas, and no matter how much I would force it into one of two places, a lot of things didn’t belong there. Most things don’t really belong there. Most things fall into the middle, and deserve to be left there. And when we leave them where they are supposed to be, even honor them for being there, we find grace. We stop fighting, manipulating, twisting them into something they are not, and honor them for being exactly what they are. This may sound like an abstract concept, but when we think about ourselves, who we are, what we stand for, who and what we love, typically, we don’t just fit into one neat box either, there is some grey, and maybe a lot of grey in the areas that matter, so as much as we wouldn’t want to be forced into a box that we didn’t fit in, neither should other people, places, and things. It’s also acknowledging our own growth. As we walk on this path, learn, and grow, what we believe, experience, and the way we live our lives, changes, our parameters get bigger, wider, and more vast, we accept things as they are, no matter how messy or perhaps how undefined they are, and let them be, without trying to change them, we let them live just as they are, and when we do, we find our grace.

Life does it’s dance, and a lot of the time it’s dancing to a totally different tune than the one in our heads, but instead of trying to force our dance to it’s music, just enjoy the music, and trust it’s the music we’re supposed to be hearing, it gives us an opportunity to learn a new dance, or to adjust the one we already know. Try new things, accept differences in others, and trust that you are being introduced to these things to help you on your journey, to guide you on your path, and to lead you to where you are supposed to be going. Find the grace in the grey, and let that open your heart to a brave new world.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you try to put everything in your life neatly in boxes or categories? Does the grey area scare you? If yes, why? Why do you think you need to have everything categorized neatly into one or two boxes? Would you like to be categorized into only one or two boxes? Do you think you fit into some grey areas in your life? If so, in what way? Can you see that others’ may also fit into grey areas? Can you accept that? When you can SLAYER, you are on your way to finding grace, and you are on your way to a new freedom, opening your eyes to the infinite possibilities that the world has to offer. Let go of old ideas and SLAY on!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slayer Say

Good morning SLAYER!  We should fight for what we want, but not at the expense of our own serenity, happiness, and health, sometimes we have to ‘drop the rope’ and accept that things may not be what we want them to be, but trust that they are the way they way they are supposed to be.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Accepted

Slayer Say

Good morning SLAYER!  When we don’t speak our truth, what we keep inside has power over us, it controls us, keeps us in fear, isolation, anger, shame, and regret. When we share those secrets with others, those things that used to bind us to our past are set free, and we are released from the bondage that used to control us.

New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Haunt.jpg

We’re Only As Sick As Our Secrets

Secrets, we all have them, my whole life used to be a secret, I would hide what I was thinking and doing from everyone in my life, ashamed, confused, and angry.  I kept everything inside and consequently became very sick, my secrets nearly cost me my life. And it was me, I had control of that, it was me who held myself back from sharing, from getting help, from talking to the people who loved me about what was going on, it was all me, all in my control.

It wasn’t until I finally asked for help, finally started telling people what was going on that I first heard someone say, “you’re only as sick as your secrets.” That hit me like a lead balloon. Wow, I had put myself through years and years of suffering because of my fears, pride, and need for control and I could have stopped it, put an end to my suffering had I just spoken up. My sick brain told me that I was in control if I didn’t tell anyone, but the truth of the matter was, I had the control to stop it, I had control over my own well-being and my own happiness by sharing my struggles, by admitting what I had been doing, how I had been living, and how I was feeling. Once I said those things out loud, they lost their power over me. They were out there. Nothing left to hide. And, THAT is freedom.

We walk around ashamed and scared to share our truth with others, but when we do we harm ourselves, we tell ourselves that we are bad people, that we are better off alone, that no one will understand us, but none of that is true, there is nothing that we’ve done that someone hasn’t already done, sorry if you think you are tragically unique, but it’s true, someone, and probably many, have already done what you think is so shameful or horrible that you can’t possibly share it with anyone for fear of the consequences. But typically the consequences are understanding, kindness, love, and connection to another person who may also have felt like you, or now, because you shared your truth, understands you and has now found compassion for you, and possibly you for them.

People have asked me if I have any fear for sharing my truth in a public forum, do I worry what people might think and without hesitation I say no, because I don’t, and the reason I don’t is because all of the people in my day-to-day life, the ones I count as family, close friends, and my actual family, know all of this, at least the broad strokes, I may not have gotten into the detail I have here, but everyone knows, and in me telling them years ago, I was granted the gift of freedom from all of that, from the bondage of my past that I let bind me, I walk tall today owning my part in it, but also knowing that I am not that person anymore, I know that by me sharing it not only helps me, but it helps you, and that is far more powerful than anything that I could keep to myself out of fear, shame, or pride, that power is false, it only feels powerful because we think we’re safe, but we’re not, it makes us vulnerable to ourselves, the darkness, and to those who would exploit that and use that against us. When we are open and honest, we are free, we don’t have a reason to hide, and it keeps us safe.

Being open about where we’ve come from and what we struggle with also opens the door for people to understand us better, it opens the door to communication and connections to others we wouldn’t have if we kept to ourselves. It can also keep us safe if there is still a threat from our past that can harm us today, if those around us are clear on what our past is, it gives them a better understanding of why our safety rests in their hands in keeping our anonymity with certain people who may still want to harm us. It’s important to share your truth, even if it’s painful, ensure that everyone understands your situation.

At the end of the day you hold the key to our freedom, not sharing those things that you think are unsharable keeps you imprisoned in your own cell, it keeps you from connecting to others, and can leave you vulnerable to harm. You are only as sick as your secrets. Don’t let them have power of you and your life.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Are there things in your life or your past that you’ve never shared with anyone? If yes, why not? What do you think will happen if you do? What are they? Look at them, do you think that no one else has done these things or can relate to them? Do you see how holding on to your secrets can hold you back from living a loving and fulfilling life? Do you see how sharing these things might help others? You have the power to take control of your life, to let go of all of the things you think you have to keep a secret, and to find freedom from the bondage of your past and move forward. Let it all go SLAYER, we understand.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Talk Live Video

Hey SLAYERS! Missed SLAY TALK LIVE tonight? Not to worry, you can watch what you missed below!

Also, here is the link for tickets to Modesto’s Classic Comic Con where I’ll be appearing October 27-29th, hope to see you SLAYERS there! Comic Con Tickets