Author: Carrie Genzel

Changing The Ending

As I kid I always enjoyed the choose your own adventure books. I loved that I could read the same story many times and never have the same adventure twice. But somewhere along the way I forgot about those books and that I had a choice in life. I believed certain things about myself and thought I was locked into that story until the end. I stayed loyal to that story to a fault, and my story nearly came to an end long before it should have. I’ve written before how we are the authors of our own story and we can decide where we go and who and what will be a part of our journey. But today I am thinking about the ending that I never thought was attainable for me, or that I was deserving it. Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe I’m anywhere near the end of my story today, but my story has taken a big turn for the better in the last year and a half, and it hasn’t come with some bumps in the road, but it’s brought me to a place full of love. Something, years ago I wouldn’t have trusted or believed could last.

On my path to this place my journey required me to get honest, to look at the mistakes I had made, and not dwell on them, but learn from them, to use them as a learning tool to improve myself and my life. As difficult as that was at times to face the truth about the harm I had done to myself, it gave me the power to know that I no longer had to make those same choices, why they were not the right choices for me, and, that I know could change my story and break the cycles of my past. I’ve shared before that my days before felt like I was living the same day over and over, and that no matter how much I wanted it to change it never did, until I did. I needed to take action for there to be change, and until I did I was going to continue to live that same day into the gates of insanity. Learning from the past gave me a map of where I didn’t want to go and the tools to walk forward on a new path. This new path didn’t come without it’s own set of challenges, but they weren’t the challenges I used to have, these challenges challenged me to be true to myself, to walk with an open mind and heart, and to trust that I was deserving of love, from myself, and those around me. I, on this new path, had nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to hide from and nothing to be dishonest about because I was living as my best self everyday. Some days brought out more of the best of me than others, but even on those days when I stumbled, it was still better than the I had been living in the past, and, that was part of my journey, not judging myself and needing to be perfect, admitting my faults and making a commitment to do better without beating myself up along the way. It also meant changing those patterns with people in my life and applying those changes with those who were new, if I wanted to be treated with the love and respect I deserved, I had to set those boundaries with those who didn’t yet know or those who were used to interacting with me the old way. That, at times, was scary, but when I began to practice it I felt a flood of emotion, to know that, at that moment, I had altered my story and ultimately was changing the ending.

We all have a past, some of which we may look back at fondly, and other parts we might try to hide from or mask with false bravado or distractions in the hopes that people won’t notice the truth about who we think we are. When we live in the light, when we live in a place of honesty and truth, we never have a reason to hide, we can admit our mistakes, learn from them, and continue moving forward to whatever ending it is that we desire. That ending, we so longingly wish for, is within reach, I know because I’m heading there right now. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you think that you are stuck in the story of your past without the ability to move on? Why do you think this? What proves to you that this is true? Why do you think this is true? How can you change that thinking? How do you think your story would change if you no longer believed you were stuck in your current story? What story would you like to be in? How can you start living that story? What ending would you like to see for yourself? How can you get yourself there? Think about it SLAYER, think about it and do the work to get yourself there, it is there, within reach, but it starts with you, right where you are.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYERS! Life can be bumpy, but it’s leading somewhere.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then… SLAY on!

State Of Slay Something Wonderful

Maybe It’ll Turn Out Better Than Expected

Before walking this past I was a pessimist  in optimist clothing. I would hope for the best, and talk about it, and even want it, but never believed it would happen, or that I even deserved it. I never expected the best, I would walk into situations or new projects with flimsy hope it would be but never really expecting it actually work out that way. Much of that was not believing I was worthy of good, but also not doing all the footwork to set up a good or better outcome. In a way, it was as self-fulfilling prophecy, I wouldn’t put in the work and then when things didn’t go well it was proof to me that I wasn’t deserving of better.

When I began my journey in recovery, I was told, even if I didn’t believe something, to do the work and then act ‘as if.’ I felt like I had been doing that, but I had been missing the ‘doing the work’ part, I was just wanting things and acting ‘as if’ they were going to magically happen. My negative mind told me that this new approach wasn’t going to work, but my negative mind also wanted me to stay sick, so, off I went, doing the work that was suggested to start my life on a positive path. When I set out on something new and my mind wanted to tell me the result would be negative, I did the work anyway and acted ‘as if.’ It took a while to trust that I really didn’t have anything to lose by trying this new method, but I did it anyway because it seemed better than the alternative, which was what I already knew and had experienced every day. And, as I trusted and kept putting one foot in front of the other, many steps I made in fear, or in a state of utter uncomfortableness, I was surprised to find more and more that things would turn out better than I had expected. I appreciated each and every time they did, and always felt a sense of gratitude. Many times, when I was stuck in a negative space, I would suit up and show up anyway and would set out to act ‘as if,’ as I begrudgingly stepped forward I would ask the universe to surprise me, and many times I was surprised. I realized that I could change my negative thinking and expectations and that by doing so, many times, things did turn out better than I expected, and each time it did, I would focus on making that place my base and foundation to operate from as I moved forward, and as I did that I began to anticipate good things as I moved forward from there.

There are still times when my thoughts will fall back to negative thinking, and I have to remind myself to leave room for the possibility that things will turn out better than expected, also leaving a space open for hope and to be surprised, something that lends itself to positive thinking and with remaining teachable. I don’t know everything, and even though experience may lend it itself to one response, perhaps my growth and the timing of this particular moment can open new doors. This is a much better place to live my life than always expecting the worst, because in my experience, what we expect is often what we get.

Give yourself permission to allow things to turn out better than expected, to know you deserve good things and when you do the work and put out positive energy you leave room to be surprised by the result, or what is found in the process. Always leave some room for some magic. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you expect good things or focus on the negative? If you focus on the negative, do you find that you get a negative result? Do you think you deserve a negative result? Why is that? Have you ever been surprised with a result you weren’t expecting? What was that? How was that different than what you typically expect? How can you open yourself up to expecting a better result? What if you practiced ‘as if’ and tried to act as if you were open to a better result? We have more power than we think, but what we think gives our thoughts and energy power, why not ignite that power with positivity and watch that positive power power light up your life!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! No one ever hurt their eyes looking at the bright side.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then… SLAY on!

State Of Slay Laugh To Heal

Humor Helps Us Heal

When I first stepped on this path I didn’t feel I had anything to laugh about. I was at an emotional and spiritual low that I didn’t know if I could come back from. Every day was just like the next and the darkness was closing in on me. Thankfully, before it took completely over I sought help and when I did I was surprised to hear so much laughter.

It was suggested I join a support group, something I felt hesitant to do, but knew I had to try everything that was suggested if I wanted to live, or at least, have a chance at life. When I sat down for the first time I was relieved to relate to most of what was being said, by others in the room, I suddenly didn’t feel alone, and I had most of my life. I was also surprised to hear so much laughter, even while some rather embarrassing stories or horrible events were being shared due to bad decisions prior to getting well. I, at first, was taken aback, that the people in the room were seemingly laughing at such sad or horrible stories from people’s pasts. But then I noticed that the each person sharing, was also laughing, or at least letting out a chuckle, at the foolishness of their past escapades. As I watched the room erupt in laughter I found myself laughing along with them, even though most of what was being shared I had also done or thought myself. But seeing, and hearing, the laughter made me feel better about my own stories and the events that had brought me to that place. I had asked someone after about the laughter, and it was explained to me that they laugh because that’s not who they are anymore, and because they live today in the light, they can find humor in the past and in what used to be their best laid plans that continually got them into trouble or lead them down a darker path. I realized the power that laughter has to heal and to find acceptance around things we may feel bad about, but are working to no longer continue doing. As I began to feel better and started to make positive changes in my own life, I started to find the humor in some of my own stories, and as I started to share them with others, they became a way to relate to others like myself and them to me, those shared laughs formed into friendships and helped me in my recovery.

My Mother has always said, “if I’ve lost my sense of humor, I’ve lost everything,” and that is so true. When we are able to look at past mistakes or decisions that were our “best ideas” at the time and see the humor in what we have done because we are no longer making those same mistakes, that is a win. It shows us how far we’ve come and it allows us to not take who we used to be so seriously, even in the most dire of situations. Humor does help us heal, but only when it is used to recognize the foolishness of our past because we are now making better decisions, not, when it is used to deflect and hide behind without making any changes.

No one is perfect, we all make mistakes or misjudge things, but it is when we’ve learned from our past and have moved on, or are making efforts to do so, that we can use that humor to let go of the shame of what we may have done to laugh us into healing from those events from our past. Sometimes laughter truly is the best medicine. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Are you able to laugh at past mistakes? If not, why not? Do you hide from your humor or use it as a way to deflect how you truly feel or to prevent yourself from facing the truth? How has humor helped you in the past? How does it help you heal? Are you able to find the humor in your past through humor in hearing other people’s pasts? Does it help you connect with others? How does that make you feel? Let go of mistakes made in the past and find the humor in what you have done, look back and know that today you are making better choices and your laughter reminds you of your journey to get where you are right now.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Surrender isn’t about being passive, it’s about being open.

New blog goes up Friday, until then… SLAY on!

State Of Slay Be Willing

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Peace requires us to surrender our illusions of control.

SLAY on!

State Of Slay Surrender Difference

Surrender For The Win

Before walking this path I thought of surrender for a four letter word. I considered myself a warrior, a fighter and able to overcome anything that came my way, I had already overcome a lot, and wore those victories like badges of honor. But when I found myself in a downward slide, one that, no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t stop, that pride almost cost me my life. Surrender just wasn’t in my vocabulary, and yet that I would find out would be the key to my survival.

I thought I knew everything, or knew better, I thought I could out-think and power through the thoughts and feelings that were plaguing me day after day, but the more I tried to fight it, and control them, the more they had control over me. That tug-of-war became my insanity, of trying to control the uncontrollable, without changing my way of life. It took a lot for me to surrender, but when I did it came from a place of desperation and total fear of what would come next if I didn’t. The desperation was a gift, and I used to finally ask for help.

That surrender felt good, it felt like hope, even though there was still a part of me that thought it meant I had failed at life, but I had to cling to that dim light of hope to keep going. As I began to feel better I realized the power of that surrender. My surrender didn’t mean I had failed, it meant that I had found the power within myself to admit that I needed help, that the way I had been living my life wasn’t working, and, that I alone didn’t have the tools I needed to fix it. That surrender was a win, and the beginning of the life I enjoy today. I’ve watched people struggle with that surrender and lose their battle, those who could not accept it or questioned it, and it always reminds me of how lucky I was to have finally surrendered and to have continued to surrender every day since. For me, I need to do it daily, because my head wants to tell me I don’t. It still tries, after many many years, to tell me that I don’t need to do what I do to stay healthy, that I don’t have an illness and there is nothing wrong with me. I know it’s lying, so I continue to surrender.

Surrender today is a sign of strength. It is a sign of humility, of self-love and of remaining teachable, which is something I always need to be. The minute I think I know everything  and don’t need to listen to suggestions is when I start to slide back to that dark place. And I know how seamless it can happen, I remember the first time. I use my daily surrender as my sword, to cut through the lies and bullshit my head tells me as I continue to walk this path, my life depends on it.

We can live with outdated ideas about what surrender means to us, or perhaps we are carrying around an opinion we have been told by others, surrender for me was door to a better life and it also opened the door of willingness, with allowed me to seek the help and do the work I needed to do to have what I have today. Don’t let your judgment of yourself or what you think you should be doing cloud your vision of what can be. Let go of your ego and pride and surrender to trying things a different way, a better way, a way that may greatly improve your life, or save it. Surrender for the win. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: What does the word surrender mean to you? Do you look at it as a negative? Do you see how it can be used for positive change? Have you seen it bring positive change to your life already? How so? If you haven’t, what stops you? What areas in your life could use some surrender? How can you take steps to achieve that? Let yourself surrender to what is best for you, it may be the act of surrender that brings you your biggest win, you!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! How can you make someone’s underestimation of you an asset?

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then… SLAY on!

State Of Slay Underestimated

Those Who Underestimate Us

Throughout my life I have often found that people have underestimated me. For various reasons people have tried to limit what they think I am capable of or should even attempt. My spirit, and drive, has always been strong, and the fear of regretting never trying as always outweighed the fear of trying and possibly failing, and now, having lived on this path for many years, I know there is no failure, only an opportunity to learn. Most of the times I have been underestimated I have used that to fuel my desire to attempt or accomplish what I’ve set out to do, but there have been times that the disbelief that I can complete or attain my goals has been like a knife in my chest. Even, so, I never let it stop me from moving forward.

Support by those we love, colleagues or others in general really can propel us to success. We ourselves, at times have self-doubt, but with the support of those around us we can overcome those negative thoughts and head toward the finish line. But so can those who don’t believe we can get there. It’s easy to take someone else’s opinion of what they think we are capable of and let it bring us down, it can be like a self-fulfilling prophecy were we let it derail us into falling short just as predicted. But for me, being a reformed stubborn close-minded girl in the past, I can pull up that old stubbornness and use it for good. I now, when someone doesn’t believe in me, use that stubbornness to propel me forward and continue on my journey to complete my goal. It’s nice when I have support behind as I go, but not necessary if it’s someone I strongly believe in or have challenged myself to finish. There’s also the twinge of satisfaction when you are able to accomplish what you set out to and are able to show those doubters that you yes you can do exactly what they thought was impossible, I believe that is a moment of self-pride for a job well done.

We should never let anyone else dictate what we can or cannot do. Our limits are only set by ourselves, and, we shouldn’t set any. We are capable of almost anything we set our minds to, and even if something may not be attainable right now, there’s a reason we’re drawn to it, it may be leading us down a path that is meant for us. Never doubt yourself or your goals or dreams, nothing happens by accident, we are meant to challenge ourselves, to reach higher than before and to go after those things we want for ourselves or have dreamed about, we are the only ones who can stop us. Those things may not always look exactly how we thought they would, but they are many times better, because we only have the limited information of our experiences so far, we don’t have the broad spectrum of what is actually out there for us to discover and realize. So, go after your goals with everything you’ve got, and if someone underestimates you, don’t let them slow you down, use that doubt to fire you up and keep you on the path of your goal.

Let someone’s negative opinion of you of you lead to positive results, and perhaps the next time you share your goals with them, they’ll see your potential and cheer you on to victory! SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you allow for negative comments derail you from your goals and ambitions? Why do you do that? How can you change that? Why is it so important to you to have everyone believe in what you want or are doing? Can you use that energy to prove them wrong or attain your goals anyway? Can you use that energy to fuel the fire inside of you to produce a positive outcome? It is always preferable to have the support of those around us, but if we don’t have all of the support we would like, it is still possible to realize our dreams or challenge ourselves to accomplish something new. Use whatever energy comes your way, positive, or negative, to prove to yourself that you can do it, and let those naysayers come around on their own, it’s not your job to convince them, it’s your job to keep reaching for your personal best.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you