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Do You Want To Be Right, Or Do You Want To Be Happy?

I used to think that the only way to be happy was to be right, so I made sure I was never wrong, at least in my own mind. I would twist and turn things so I could always justify things in my favor, I was the ultimate spin doctor of my life. Even when I knew I was 100% wrong I would find a way to convince you, and myself, that I was right, and if there was something that I felt was unjust in the world or a situation, even if it had nothing to do with me I would find a way to insert myself and I would fight to the point of exhaustion because “I didn’t believe that someone should get away with what they were doing”, but what I was really doing was trying to make up for my own lack of self-esteem and self-worth by making myself feel important when I went into battle.

When someone first said to me, “do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?” it had never occurred to me that I might have been contributing to my own anxiety and frustration by continuing to fight battles I had no business being in, or fighting something I couldn’t win, only to satisfy my own pride and ego. There are situations that we can’t change, or have no business changing because the situation has nothing to do with us. There are times we stick our noses into situations just so we can put our boxing gloves on and get in the ring, it gives us a high, it makes us feel important, but it also leads to our own unhappiness and anxious feelings. I’m not saying that if you see someone in need of help not to jump in if you can and help that person, but it’s important in every situation to ask yourself if you belong in that fight, or are you just fighting for fighting sake?

I used to constantly stick my nose into situations I shouldn’t have, because I would say that I was helping, or righting a wrong, or an injustice, but no one was asking me to do that, and in fact, by trying to insert myself into a situation I didn’t belong in I was cheating the other person, or people, the opportunity to stick up for themselves, to find a solution, or to maybe learn to set a boundary for themselves. When we step in to fight someone else’s battles we are taking that chance away from them, for them to grow, learn, and to find the courage and pride in who they are to draw a line or learn to fight for who they are.

So many times I’ve heard people say, “that’s not right,” as they’re bubbling over with anger or anxiety. There are so many things that aren’t “right” in the world, but unless there is something you can do to change or help it, and you’re not stepping on anyone’s toes who should be changing it for themselves, you’ve got to learn to let it go, to find acceptance around it. It’s also nice to ask if  help is actually need, or wanted, before plowing in there ready to raise hell. It’s easy to get caught up in someone else’s drama, but it’s exactly that, someone else’s drama, it’s for them to work out, and unless they’ve asked for help, and even then, it may not be right for you to step in if it’s something they should be taking care of themselves, in those situations you have to step back. And, that may seem like a hard concept to swallow, but trust me, the result is a much happier life, and one of a lot less stress and frustration. I always try to keep my side of the street clean, but I also take a look at each situation and assess whether it’s actually on my street, or on the next block or city and I’m just crashing in to stir up trouble under the guise of “helping.”

Is putting our happiness on the line worth being “right?” It’s not. We as SLAYERS need to take care of ourselves, and sometimes the better option is to just take a step back and not get involved where we don’t belong, every battle is not our battle to fight, and sometimes even if it is our battle, it’s about taking the higher ground and learning to step away if it saves us from suffering at the expense of a battle that isn’t that important to fight in the first place. We fight for ourselves and those we love when it’s necessary, but learn to not pick up that sword for each and every fight we come across. It goes back to self-care, as warriors it’s just as important to take care ourselves and our own needs, to replenish, refresh, and rest, more than it is to slay ever dragon to comes our way.  Make sure you’re fighting the right battles SLAYER.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you feel like you have to go to battle for every thing you feel is unjust or not right? Why do you feel you need to do that? Do you see that some times the better option for yourself may be to not engage? Ask yourself SLAYER, next time you feel like you need to jump into the ring, is this your battle to fight, or are you taking the job away from someone else who should be fighting the battle for themselves? If asked, or it’s appropriate, we as SLAYERS do step in to help, but not at the expense of our own mental health and well-being.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

We’re Only As Sick As Our Secrets

For a long time, my entire life was a secret.

I hid what I was thinking.
I hid what I was doing.
I hid how I was really feeling.

I carried shame, confusion, and anger quietly, convincing myself that keeping everything inside was somehow safer than letting anyone see the truth. I believed secrecy gave me control.

Instead, it made me sick.

Very sick.

And the hardest truth to accept was this:
I was the one holding myself there.

The Illusion of Control That Secrets Create

When we keep secrets, it often feels like protection.

We tell ourselves we’re avoiding judgment.
We think we’re sparing others.
We believe silence keeps us in control.

But secrets don’t protect us — they isolate us.

They keep us from asking for help.
They keep us from being known.
They keep us trapped in our own minds.

I believed that if no one knew, I could manage it on my own. But what I was really doing was cutting myself off from the very things that could have helped me heal.

The Moment the Truth Lost Its Power

Everything changed the first time I asked for help.

The first time I said out loud what I had been hiding.

That’s when I heard a phrase that landed like a weight in my chest:

“You’re only as sick as your secrets.”

It was devastating — and freeing — all at once.

Because suddenly, I could see how much suffering I had endured not because of what I’d done, but because I refused to speak it. The moment I shared my truth, it lost its grip on me.

There was nothing left to hide.

And in that openness, I found freedom.

Shame Thrives in Silence

Secrets feed shame.

They whisper that we are bad people.
That we’re unlovable.
That no one would understand.

But shame lies.

There is nothing you’ve done that someone else hasn’t already done, felt, or survived. We like to believe our pain makes us uniquely broken — but the truth is, our experiences connect us far more than they separate us.

When we share our truth, what we usually meet is not punishment — but understanding. Compassion. Connection.

And sometimes, in telling our story, we give someone else permission to tell theirs.

Why I’m Not Afraid to Share My Story

People often ask me if I’m afraid to share my truth publicly.

Do I worry about judgment?
Do I fear what people might think?

And the answer is no.

Because the people who matter most in my life already know my story — the broad strokes, the truth of where I’ve been and who I am now. I told them years ago, and in doing so, I was released from the bondage of my past.

I own my story.
I own my choices.
And I also know I am no longer that person.

There is power in that clarity — far more power than silence ever gave me.

Secrecy Makes Us Vulnerable Honesty Makes Us Safe

The kind of “power” secrets give us is false.

It feels like control, but it actually leaves us exposed — to ourselves, to our darkness, and sometimes to people who would exploit what we hide.

Honesty removes that leverage.

When you are open, there is nothing to hold over you. No threat. No fear of being found out. You get to stand in truth instead of hiding behind it.

And that truth doesn’t just heal you — it protects you.

Sharing Your Truth Builds Real Connection

Being honest about where we’ve come from allows people to understand us more fully.

It deepens relationships.
It opens communication.
It builds trust.

Sometimes it also keeps us physically or emotionally safe — especially when others need to understand our boundaries, our triggers, or the reasons we must protect ourselves from certain people or situations.

Your truth gives context to your needs.

And context invites compassion.

Freedom Lives on the Other Side of Secrecy

At the end of the day, you hold the key to your freedom.

Keeping secrets you believe are “unshareable” doesn’t protect you — it imprisons you. It keeps you from intimacy, from support, and from fully living your life.

You don’t have to tell everyone everything.
But you do need to tell someone.

Because secrecy keeps pain alive — and truth allows it to heal.

You are only as sick as your secrets.

Don’t let them own you.

SLAY Reflection

Let’s reflect, SLAYER:

S: Are there parts of your life or past you’ve never shared with anyone?
L: What fears keep you holding those secrets?
A: What do you believe would happen if you spoke your truth out loud?
Y: How might your life change if you chose honesty over hiding?

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
Have you ever experienced freedom after sharing something you thought you had to hide?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who’s carrying secrets that are weighing them down, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.

Slayer Say

Good morning SLAYER! Be courageous, ask for what you want, you may not get everything you ask for, but nothing will change if you stay the same. Speak up, make your voice heard and get to work.

New blog goes up Sunday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Ask

Ask For What You Want

I used to be guilty of never asking for what I wanted, either because I didn’t think I really deserved it, or I just thought you should know. Either way, many times I didn’t get what I wanted because I didn’t ask for it, or tell people what what I was hoping to receive in any given situation. As a result I got angry or became resentful sinking into a pity party pit of despair and anguish as I watched, what I thought, was everyone else getting what they wanted while I wasn’t. But, I had no right to be angry if I didn’t ask in the first place. It isn’t anyone else’s job to make sure I get what you want, that job is for only one person, and that person is me, and SLAYER, it’s your job to make sure you get what you want as well, so, what’s holding you back?

What are we so afraid of? The worst thing that can happen is someone can say no. That’s it. We’ve all heard no before, and will many more times in our lifetime, so why do we get so afraid to ask for what we want? Well, as I’ve already mentioned, we may not feel like we deserve it, we do, we deserve to get the things we want, we work hard, we’re good people, why can’t we ask for what we want? We can. That doesn’t mean we’re always going to get it, and, that’s OK, but it we don’t let our intentions be known people aren’t going to know that it’s something we want unless they just guess or somehow or are on the same page as we are, but why leave your wants up to chance? You shouldn’t, you should be clear about what you want so there aren’t any misunderstandings or unrealistic expectations. This was something I had to learn, to speak up for myself, and to clearly ask, and know that I do deserve good things, I do deserve to ask for what I want, and once I got over the fear of asking and started doing it, things became more clear, my communication with other people was better, I did get what I wanted, not all of the time, but more than I was, and at the very least it started a conversation with someone who I wouldn’t have had before, and sometimes, out of that, came a compromise, or something else that I hadn’t even thought of, but was also good.

It’s the fear, I think, more than anything, of getting turned down, or being laughed at, or someone thinking we’re arrogant for even asking. The exercise here is just to ask, to stay out of the results of it, or how it’ll be received, those are beyond our control, but what we are in control of is letting our needs and wants be known, and then standing back to see what comes back, and learning to be OK with whatever that is, but knowing that you did ask, you stood tall and asked for what you wanted.

It’s easy to sit back with envy over what other people are getting, and letting yourself sink down in resentment, but you have the power to get yourself out of that hole of despair, you have the power to say, “hey, I want this,” and working to make that happen. I have so much respect for people who come out and ask for what they want, some new friendships have started because of it, because someone found the courage to just reach out, and generally people tend to respect and listen to people who are strong enough to stand up and ask for what they want, they start to listen to those people and ask their opinions and want to collaborate with them. It’s the start of a shift of how people view us and communicate with us.

There are certainly guidelines for your asking that typically are good to follow; make your requests reasonable, keep it simple, believe you are worth it, take into consideration the other person’s needs, find a nice way to deliver your request, be honest about it, and, don’t huff and puff and stomp away if you don’t get what you want, see if you can find a compromise, or if there isn’t, say thank you, or OK, and walk away. There’s a right way to ask and a wrong way, but when we are concise and clear many times it can be a simple conversation, and one the other person will appreciate for your honesty and courage to come out and ask for what you want.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you ask for what you want? Why not? Do you think you deserve to have what you want? What was a time you asked for what you wanted and got it? What stops you from doing that each time? What has been the result of you asking for what you wanted in the past? Do you think you may have approached it in the wrong way? What did you learn from that? I challenge you SLAYER, to ask for what you want, when something comes up, and it’s a reasonable request, ask, see what happens, and, if you don’t get what you want, know that just the act of asking is a win, keep doing it and see how things will change for you. SLAY on.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

The Gift Of Desperation

Sometimes desperation can be a gift. Most times it’s not, we make bad choices and decisions when we feel we have no options, but in the case of helping ourselves, doing something different to change our lives for the better, desperation can be a gift. I know it was with me. Had I not been desperate, and literally fighting for my life, I would not have been open to the suggestions and steps it took to get me well, I had gone through my whole life believing that I knew better, that I was smarter, and that I didn’t need anyone’s help, I was wrong. When I hit my bottom, emotionally and spiritually, the only solution I had on my own was to end things, that was my best solution, not wanting to take that action, but desperately wanting the pain and suffering to end, I finally reached out for help and started on a path of self love and empowerment.

That path came with a lot of work, none of which I would to have agreed to unless my life depended on it, lucky for me, it did. As dark as those days were, as close as I was to ending my existence, I am grateful for those days, and I hope to never forget them, as those memories keep me steady on my path because I know what’s waiting for me if I veer off, or slack off, and stop doing the work, that place, that place that wants my life is still there deep inside of me and it still wants what it wants, and it still speaks to me. I know that those voices in my head will get louder, and those voices have also been learning everything I have, so they’re smarter and even more cunning than before. I know to keep myself in the light, to surround myself with all of you warriors, survivors, and SLAYERS, who remind me how strong I am through your strength, and how I need to go on, even on a dark day. I remember how hard it was to start, and how desperate I was to get out of the thick black tar I felt I was living in.

Desperation can be a good thing, it can be our greatest gift, because after we’ve tried all of the options ‘our way,’ and got nowhere, we may realize that we need to try something else, get outside our comfort zone, and reach out for help, tell people what’s going on, and take new action for a better life. It goes back to turning our weaknesses into strengths, using our desperation to fuel our recovery, to fuel us to seek out a better life for ourselves, to learn to love yourself, ALL of ourselves, use all that desperation to give you a desire to heal, and maybe do some things that you don’t want to do, but will help you in the end.

Life takes us on a journey, and nothing happens randomly, it ebbs and flows just as it’s meant to, we are in control of how we act, react, who and what we engage in, and we take responsibility for our missteps, these are our chances to learn, and to change. WE are the authors of our own stories, and even though we can’t control all of the circumstances, we can control how our story is told, who we are out in the world, and how we give back.

If you’re feeling lost, alone, and, desperate, be grateful, you may be in just the right place for a breakthrough. What you’ve been doing is not working, it may be time to seek outside help and take some suggestions from people who have been where you are, or professionals who can guide you on this new path. Be grateful SLAYER as desperation might just be gift that saves you life.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Are there times in your life that it took desperation to make a change? Do you find you exhaust every possible option you can take on your own before reaching out for help? Do you feel like the place you’re in right now makes you feel desperate? What can you do to remedy that? What positive action can you take to better your situation? How can you turn your desperation into a gift? Take it SLAYER, take the leap to a better you.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slayer Say

Good morning SLAYER!  You’re OK…you’re still OK. Live in the now, know the facts, do the footwork, and let it go. You’re OK SLAYER…you’re still OK.

New blog goes up Sunday…until then, SLAY on!

State Of Slay Worrying (1)

You’re OK

You’re OK…you’re still OK…you’re still OK…and…you’re still OK. It’s easy sometimes to get caught up in your own head, to make something bigger than it really is, or get caught up in the drama or the ‘what-if’s’ of a situation, but at the end of the day, you’re OK. Before starting on this journey I used to build everything up to be a cataclysmic epic event, everything was life and death, even the simplest things, I would get my blood pumping, my heart racing, and my thoughts firing off a millions miles an hour, I would get totally worked up and then my anxiety would kick in, the doom and gloom, and the fear would take over, but none if it was real, it was all concocted in my mind, and blown way out of proportion. I would cause myself so much unneeded worry and stress because I wasn’t living in reality, I wasn’t asking myself what the facts were of the situation, if there wasn’t drama, I would produce it, and I would try to pull anyone and everyone into it right along with me. Really, most of it, was just made up in my head. The reality was, I was OK.

When we’re used to living in drama, and think that’s normal or where we deserve to be, or think that’s where we want to be, the rush becomes like a drug, and when we can’t get it we make it ourselves, but we’re only harming ourselves by doing it, and we’re harming those around us we pull them into the vortex of our storm. The result of that is we cause ourselves a lot of anxiety, and many of us reach for outside fixes to calm ourselves down, even tell ourselves we ‘need’ these things because of our ‘stressful lives’, so we drink, take drugs, shop, use people and relationships, and so many other things to calm ourselves and tell ourselves those things are our medicine for the stressful life we have. But, we’re the ones causing the stress.

When we engage with people who are not looking out for our best interests, the drama will come, the anxiety, the hurt, and in those places, we are not OK, we can make ourselves OK by stepping back, stepping away from those people, places and things to get out of the drama and into the calm, but we have to be diligent about not letting those people, places and things in the first place. We also have to get used to living without drama, and that can be difficult if that’s what we’re used to, but it’s what we should do, it’s taking it’s toll on you and it’s not worth the results and what it creates, it’s also not how we live as SLAYERS. We live in the now, the present, we know the facts, we are asking the right questions, so we’re making sound decisions, we’re watching our people picker, choosing the right, or better, people to surround ourselves with, we are asking for what we want, making our expectations clear, and checking in to see what our intentions are. If we are doing all of things, we are OK. We’re OK! Life will do it’s dance, it’s going to roll along doing it’s thing, and it’s going to throw curve balls at us, that’s what it does, but when we stay on track with all of those things that ground us and give us a strong foundation, it can’t rock us off what we’ve built, and no matter how difficult it might be to walk through, we’re still OK.

Every once in a while something will get me, it’ll sneak up on me or just trigger something from my past and my anxiety will spike, and I have to remind myself that feelings aren’t facts, I have to ask myself what I know to be true about the situation, and how I can take action to make it better. I’m OK. In those moments my breathing can get shallow, which is not going to help me in my solution finding mission, so I have to slow down and breath deeply. When this happens there’s a trick I use, I place one hand on my abdomen and one hand on my heart, and I focus on only moving the hand on my abdomen, if the hand on my abdomen is moving, I am breathing deeply. I focus on my breath and count in for four, pause, and count out for four, it calms me down, it also works if I’m having trouble sleeping, for me, it works for every time.

You’re OK. Whatever may be happening for you right now that is causing you anxiety may just be fear, fear of the unknown, fear of loosing what you have, or fear of not getting what you want, fear and worry are not going to help you solve any of your problems, and what are the facts of the situation, are these fears and worries based on any kind of fact, or are you creating drama when the facts don’t back them up. None of us can control what’s going to happen, all we can do is the footwork and then things will unfold as they are meant to, so worrying about them and living in fear isn’t going to change anything and it certainly isn’t going to make it better. Live in the now, what do you know for sure? What can you take care of right now? What can you do to lay the groundwork to solve the problem? Take action. You are OK…you’re OK…you’re still OK, keep breathing SLAYER, you’re still OK.

SLAY OF THE DAY: What causes you anxiety? Are some of these things you cause yourself? Is living in a place of anxiousness or drama your normal? Why? What if you made a conscious effort to not engage with your anxiety, to stop listening to your head and look at the facts of the situation, what are the facts? What can you do about them to change them if you don’t like them? What’s in front of your hands? Sometimes there just isn’t anything more, or anything at all, we can do in a situation, if that’s the case, accept that, accept you’ve done what you can do, and move on. You’re OK SLAYER, SLAY on.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slayer Say

Good morning SLAYER! Don’t let the past or other people hijack your life story, it’s your story to tell, you decide how that story is going to unfold and how it’s told, and if you don’t like the story you’re in, you have the power to change it.

The pen is in your hands SLAYER, start writing.

New blog goes up Friday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Story

You Are The Author Of Your Own Story

True story! You, and only you, are the author of your story, no one else gets to write your story, or tell it. You decide what your story is and how it’s going to unfold. We are not our past, or what’s happened to us, we have the power to walk tall, leave the past behind and start a new chapter, or a whole new book! Now as we were children we didn’t have a say in our own story, life rolled out in front of us without our consent most of the time, but as an adult we get to choose, we get to decide and we get to take control of our own story and choose what we want our story to be, we hold the key, our life is our story to tell.

Before stepping on this path I was always the victim. I always believed the life had it out for me, that it was out of my control and I was constantly being punished, and even if something good did happen, I thought it was really just life’s cruel little game so it could take it away from me later because I didn’t deserve it. None of that was true. Well, I made it true because I believed it. But the truth is, when I decided to get help, to live my life in acceptance, self love, and honor myself I realized that all of those blank pages in the chapters ahead were within my control and I could start telling a new story, my life wasn’t some runaway train that I was constantly trying to catch, or not get hit by, I was driving that train, and I had the power to slow it down and change tracks.

This blog has been a part of that story, and a way to combine the two, to share where I came from and how I live my life today, my current story. When I made a conscious decision to get help and do the work to heal and find a better life for myself, I changed my story, and took control of it. You also have that power, to take where you’ve come from and use that to tell the story you want to tell, one of survival, one of growth, one of love, and when you share your story you connect with other people who also have a similar story, or people who may find hope in your story and through that you find support and even more strength.

It’s also about doing the work. You, as the author, have to do the work to tell the story you want to tell, to have the life you want to live, otherwise it will be told by other people, places and things. Take ownership of your story and no one gets to tell you what your story is, or gets to tell it for you. The pen is in your hands and it only changes when you do. If you don’t like the story you’re telling right now, change it, do what you need to do so you are telling the right story, the right story for you, whatever you have to do. For me, my life depended on me changing my story, the story of my past was only going to lead me to one place, death, I had the gift of desperation to help me start a new story for myself, and once I started to believe I held the power to change my story, I got excited about it, I was no longer living as a victim, I took my power back because the power was all mine. And, it’s all yours.

When you think about your life, what you dreamed it would be, what you’re passionate about, who you’re passionate about, are you being true to your own story? Are you telling the story you want to tell? Are you the protagonist of your own story, the hero we’re all rooting for? Are you rooting for you? I certainly hope so. If not, you have some work to do SLAYER, but that’s OK, and, hopefully exciting because it’s time to start writing a new story, one you’re proud of, one your excited to share with others, and one that may unfold beyond your wildest dreams. It just may. But, you won’t know if you keep writing the same old tired story that isn’t serving you, and isn’t showing you in the best light, or your potential. Turn the page and start fresh.

Many times we don’t realize that our lives and stories are in our own hands, they are, and SLAYER, it is up to you to write the story you want to live and share with others, one that inspires you, excites you, and maybe helps someone else do the same. What do you want your story to be SLAYER? Start writing.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Does your current story reflect the story you want to tell? If not, why not? What’s stopping you from having the story of your dreams? What can you do to start writing the story you want to tell? Take action SLAYER, it’s up to you to do the work, and when you do, a new story will unfold, it’s on your hands. SLAY on.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you