perspective

Healthy Conflict

You read that right. Healthy conflict. Typically we think of conflict as a negative thing, one stemming from anger, or a differing of opinion, but it’s all in how you look at it, conflict can be something positive, if you choose to look at that way.

Conflict is an opportunity to question our perspective, thoughts, or beliefs. It can open our eyes to an alternate view, or a new angle we haven’t been exposed to before, if, we walk through life with an open mind. I’ve talked about this before, I used to walk through life letting my ego run the show, I always thought I was right, even when I didn’t have the answers, I thought I knew better than you did, and I would argue my point until exhaustion, the thought of having healthy conflict never entered my mind, it was me against you, period. But now I see things differently, and no, that doesn’t mean I cave to what the other person’s point of view is, but I allow them to talk, and I allow myself to listen. Some of us too, avoid conflict at all costs, running from it, either bowing to the other person’s opinion to concede or just avoiding them all together, but here are some benefits to healthy conflict, see if you can change your mind and pick up some pointers on how to enter into conflict in a way that is more beneficial to you, and the people in your life.

1) Widens Our Perspective. Conflict can be extremely beneficial, it can widen our perspective and also challenge our own ideas and thoughts we may have carried with us from childhood, believing that there is only the one tried and true way, conflict may show us that there might be a better way, or that there might be another way at all. It also is a way that can produce solutions, if both parties are open to it, it may show different points of view and from there a resolution can be worked on, or an agreement to disagree, but the act of being open, of listening, and of at least trying to work out a solution strengthens relationships or forms new ones, as each of you learn more about the other.

2) Opportunity To Express Needs. Healthy conflict gives us the opportunity to vocalize our needs, and as I’ve talked about before, opens the door for us to ask for what we want. If our needs aren’t being met, here’s our chance to let them be known, allowing for the opportunity to then have a discussion about them. Speaking up for what we want, or believe in, allows for us to conquer our fear of getting our needs met, and sharpens our communication skills.

3) We Learn To Bend. I’ve also talked about this one before, if we don’t bend, we break. Conflict teaches us how to be flexible in relationships and in the workplace. We can’t always get our way, and, we shouldn’t, conflict helps us practice our flexibility and instills a sense of fairness into the relationships we have.

4) Helps Us To Listen. Engaging in healthy conflict teaches us how to listen. To engage in healthy conflict we need to listen to the other party, it’s not all about us, so we have the opportunity to listen to the wants and needs of others, in an active way, taking in what the other person is saying without interrupting and waiting for them to finish before we start our new thought. Again, an incredible skill to deepen any relationship.

5) Recognizing Patterns. If we engage in healthy conflict, and we are truly listening, we are better able to pick out patterns, not only in our own behavior, but in the behavior of those we engage with, which allows us to better understand ourselves and those around us. It also gives us signs of what to expect when we continue to interact with these people, and how we may react to them.

6) Brings Us Into Solution. Working these principles into healthy conflict allows us to find solutions in our daily life, and brings our thinking into solution based thinking, instead of adding to or creating problems. Change can be difficult, but if we’re willing and open to it, it can bring great resolution, and maybe even reinvention and evolution.

7) Fine Tunes Communication. Conflict allows us to fine tune our communication skills. Giving us an opportunity to state of intentions and expectations clearly and concisely without getting angry, speaking from ego, or bulldozing over the other person. Communication is truly the key to a healthy and happy life, and healthy conflict is a great way to practice it.

8) Boundary Setting. Another topic I’ve talked about before. When we engage with others we may need to set boundaries, this type of healthy conflict allows us the chance to set boundaries if we feel we need to for us to continue on in a healthy way for ourselves. Setting boundaries also lets the other people in our life in on who we are and what we’re looking for, as it does for them, we learn more about each other, and have more respect for each other when we are able to set healthy boundaries.

9) Emotional Control. Healthy conflict also is a way to practice controlling our emotions, of not letting our emotions control us. It is a great way to practice self-control and letting emotions from our past experiences or bottled up anger get thrown into a conversations it doesn’t belong, it’s about taking a breath, listening, staying in the moment, and being open to new ideas, and not letting ourselves get carried away and out of control. If we can stay in control it leads to a faster resolution, and if the other person is getting a better understanding of who we are and what our intentions are. Also, if we are able to remain calm it sends the message that we are open to resolve the issue, making people more willing to work with us and feeling like we are working together as more of a team, instead of one against the other.

10) Allows Us To Shine As Individuals. Engaging in healthy conflict sets us apart, it shows people who we really are, what we stand for, what we’re looking for, and how we’re willing to resolve an issue. It allows us to shine, and to be an example to those who may still be struggling to resolve issues in a healthy way. It allows us adjust, and allows others to adjust, as a solution is found, and it leads to far less frustration, anger, and separation with the people in our lives.

In the end it’s up to us to practice these principles, and to be open to new ideas and change, and I promise you if you do, you’ll walk away a stronger and more knowledgeable person and one with far less frustration in your lives. SLAY on.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Are you open to healthy conflict in your life? Is the conflict that you’ve experienced so far been healthy? Why hasn’t it been? What part have you taken in the unhealthy conflict? What can you do to engage in healthier conflict? Looking back at some instances that weren’t healthy, write down what they were and, using the principles above, write out some scenarios that could have made those instances healthier for you, and as a result, how the resolution could have been healthier. It’s about practicing these principles in your life SLAYER, and it takes time, but each time you practice them you’ll get better, and when you do, you see and feel the difference between unhealthy conflict and the kind that opens the door to a possible new perspective, and a solution.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Setting Them Free Frees You

There was a time in my life when I thought holding onto anger meant strength.
That if I stayed upset long enough, if I replayed what happened often enough, somehow justice would balance itself out.

But the truth I eventually had to face was much simpler and much harder:

Resentment does not bind the other person. It binds you.

And when I finally understood that, everything about forgiveness started to shift.

Because letting someone go was never about them.
It was always about me.

About my peace.
My energy.
My ability to move forward without dragging the past behind me like a heavy suitcase I never unpacked.

And maybe you have felt that too.

When Anger Becomes an Attachment

Holding resentment creates a strange connection.
Even if someone is no longer physically in your life, emotionally they still occupy space.

You think about them.
You replay conversations.
You imagine what you would say if given another chance.
You rehearse arguments in your head that may never happen.

I have done all of that.

And honestly, it was exhausting.

There is a saying that resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
I resisted that idea at first because it felt too dramatic.

But over time I saw how accurate it was.

My sleep suffered.
My mood shifted.
My joy dimmed.
And none of it affected the other person at all.

That realization was sobering.

Because suddenly it was clear: I was not punishing them.
I was punishing myself.

Forgiveness Is Not About Letting Them Off the Hook

This part is important, and I wish someone had said it to me sooner.

Forgiveness does not mean:

  • What happened was acceptable

  • You have to reconnect with the person

  • You forget the experience

  • You stop having feelings about it

Forgiveness simply means you decide not to keep carrying the emotional weight anymore.

That is it.

You are not excusing behavior.
You are reclaiming your peace.

And honestly, that is one of the most self loving choices you can make.

My Turning Point

For me, the shift happened gradually, not all at once.

I realized that staying angry kept me anchored in moments I did not want to relive.
It kept my attention focused backward instead of forward.

And I had worked too hard on healing, growth, and self awareness to keep sacrificing my peace for someone else’s actions.

So I started asking myself a different question:

Does holding onto this help me become who I want to be?

The answer was always no.

Every single time.

That is when I began to understand that setting someone free emotionally was actually setting myself free.

What Letting Go Actually Looks Like

Forgiveness is rarely a dramatic moment.
It is often a quiet internal decision.

Sometimes it looks like:

Choosing not to revisit the story again
Deciding not to engage in conversations that reopen the wound
Redirecting your energy toward your own life
Allowing space for new experiences

And sometimes it is as simple as saying, internally:

“I release this. I deserve peace.”

You do not even have to tell the other person.

Often, forgiveness is an entirely private act.

Steps That Helped Me Move Forward

There was no single formula, but there were a few things that consistently helped.

Acceptance

I had to accept that the event happened exactly as it did.
Not how I wished it had happened.
Not how I thought it should have happened.

Just reality.

Acceptance removes the constant mental argument with the past.

And that alone can bring enormous relief.

Finding Growth

Even painful situations carry information.

Sometimes they teach us boundaries.
Sometimes they sharpen our intuition.
Sometimes they show us what we will never tolerate again.

Growth does not justify the hurt.
But it can transform it.

And transformation is powerful.

Perspective

Looking at situations from another angle does not excuse behavior.
It simply broadens understanding.

People act from their own wounds, fears, and limitations.

Recognizing that helped me detach emotionally without minimizing my experience.

Checking What Serves You

This was the biggest one for me.

Does holding onto anger improve your life?
Your health?
Your relationships?
Your happiness?

Usually, it does not.

Letting go often serves you far more than staying angry ever could.

Creating Closure Yourself

Sometimes, closure never comes externally.

No apology.
No explanation.
No final conversation.

Learning to create closure internally is a life skill.

Writing a letter you never send.
Talking it through with a trusted friend.
Praying, meditating, journaling.

Whatever works for you.

Closure is not always given.
Sometimes it is chosen.

Freedom Is the Real Goal

When I released resentments, I noticed something surprising:

I had more energy.
More creativity.
More patience.
More emotional bandwidth for the people who actually deserved it.

Forgiveness cleared space.

And that space allowed joy back in.

Not immediately.
But steadily.

Protecting Peace Going Forward

Forgiveness does not mean repeating patterns.

In fact, it often makes boundaries clearer.

You can forgive and still:

Limit contact
Change how you engage
Choose distance
Protect your emotional well-being

Forgiveness and boundaries are not opposites.
They often work together beautifully.

A Note From My Heart to Yours

If you are holding onto anger right now, I get it.

Truly.

There were times I thought I would never let certain things go.
Times I believed my anger was justified and permanent.

But I promise you this:

Peace feels better than being right.
Freedom feels better than holding a grudge.
Healing feels better than staying stuck.

You deserve that.

Not someday.
Now.

SLAY Reflection

Surrender
What resentment are you currently carrying?

Listen
How does holding onto it affect your emotional well-being?

Accept
Can you accept the reality of what happened without rewriting it?

Yield
What would letting go create space for in your life?

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I would love to hear from you.
Have you ever experienced freedom after letting go of resentment or forgiving someone?

Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who might need this reminder, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! We see life through our own perspective, and sometimes the delusional goggles we have on can cause more harm than good.  Challenge yourself to see the truth in your life, only then can you work towards having the life you dream of.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Delusion

Are You A Navel Gazer?

There’s a danger in looking inward too much—when your world becomes a mirror that shows only your problems, your pain, your fears. That’s what it means to be a navel gazer: constantly watching yourself, magnifying your flaws, and forgetting there’s a wider world that offers both perspective and relief.

But when we only gaze inward, we isolate ourselves from life, community, and meaning. We inflate our burdens and lose sight of the beauty around us. The antidote? Turn your gaze outward. Let your life breathe again in connection, contribution, and service.

Prefer to listen? The Audio Blog version is available here.

The Mirage of Self-Focus

When you’re stuck in your head, every error feels fatal. Every criticism feels crushing. Every setback feels permanent. You spin—overthinking, replaying, analyzing—until your problems look like monsters.

I’ve been there. Trying to figure everything out before I moved, second-guessing every emotion, judging myself for what I felt. The more I did that, the more stuck I became.

Here’s what I finally came to see: self-focus without action is just self-absorption. You can think harder, but unless your gaze shifts, nothing changes.

Looking In vs Looking Out

Looking inward has its place—it can deepen self-awareness, healing, and growth. But only when balanced with looking outward.

When we only look in, we:

  • Magnify small issues into crises

  • Drown in self-criticism

  • Lose touch with what really matters

  • Disconnect from community

When we turn outward, we:

  • Remember there are bigger stories than ours

  • Find wisdom in serving, contributing, listening

  • Lighten our own burdens by lifting others

  • Reconnect with purpose beyond ourselves

The world doesn’t need more perfect self-reflection—it needs your presence. Your light. Your gift.

From Inside Spirals to Outside Impact

The shift out of navel-gazing is not denial. It’s not pretending nothing hurts. It’s choosing when to look inward—and when to look outward.

Here’s what it looked like for me:

  • When pain surfaced, I wrote it out. Then I stepped outside my four walls and asked someone else how their day was.

  • When fear whispered, I visited someone I knew needed encouragement—and I encouraged them.

  • When shame rolled in, I shared a fragment of truth with a trusted friend—I turned inward language into outward connection.

I found that the more I did that, the less power my internal spirals had. The more I engaged in life, the smaller my worries seemed in comparison to what we could create together.

Step Outside Your Gaze

You don’t have to live life wrapped up in your own thoughts. Here are ways to shift your gaze outward, even when you feel pulled inward:

  1. Serve Someone Every Day
    Small acts—listening, encouraging, volunteering—remind you that your struggles are not the whole world.

  2. Ask Questions, Then Listen
    Ask someone else’s story, their fears, their joys. Let their story expand your soul.

  3. Join a Cause or Community
    Be part of something bigger than yourself. Let your life connect with people, not isolate.

  4. Practice Gratitude Scans
    Each day, list 3 things you see outside of you that bring joy—sunlight, a smile, a bird’s song.

  5. Pause the Mirror Time
    When your thoughts spiral inward, pause and redirect—with kindness—to what’s outside: a walk, a view, a voice, a touch.

What Happens When You Look Out

When you step out of the spiral of navel gazing, something beautiful begins:

  • Problems shrink. They don’t disappear, but they feel less overwhelming.

  • You find solutions in unexpected places—through others, through service, through connection.

  • You reclaim your place in life’s big story. You aren’t just a spectator—you’re a participant.

  • You step into joy less burdened by the weight of your internal drama.

You begin to see that your life isn’t about solving every internal fault—it’s about living, with heart, with impact, with connection.

SLAY Reflection

  1. How often do you find yourself trapped in your own thoughts or problems?

  2. What costs you when you stay inward too long—peace? energy? relationships?

  3. What is one small act you can do today to shift your gaze outward?

  4. Who in your circle might need your presence, support, or listening?

  5. How might your life change when you stop magnifying your worries and start magnifying your service?

S – Stop spiraling inward without purpose
L – Look outward and engage with the world around you
A – Act small, act kind, act beyond yourself
Y – Yield your focus to meaning beyond your mind

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
Have you ever caught yourself overthinking or turning inward too much—and what helped you shift your focus outward again?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who’s feeling stuck in their own head, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a reminder to lift our gaze and reconnect with the world around us.

Place Importance On Important Things

We see this all the time, people in dire need of something or someone, reaching out frantically, putting up emergency posts, IN ALL CAPS, with lots of punctuation, only to find that it’s just something they want, not a necessity. Or, they make a big deal out of something that really isn’t, causing themselves anxiety, heartache, and pain needlessly because it shouldn’t be given so much weight in the first place. Or maybe we are guilty of those things. Causing drama, panic among our friends, when it really isn’t necessary.  I think we all can be from time to time. We get used to something being a certain way, or we convince ourselves that it has to be one way or everything is off, or will go wrong, or something catastrophic will happen, but will it? Or are these just things we put too much importance on in our lives?

What is important? Things we need to live, food, water, family, loved ones, a roof over our heads, safety, these are some of the things that are important. For many of us, it’s easy to lose sight of what is truly important, and what we deem as important because it’s the way we want it to be, or the way we’d like to be, or because everyone else seems to have it or is going where we want to go. But what is important is not loosing sight of what really is important.

The important things in life change for all of us, but there are four simple ones that apply to everyone, and when we focus on these things, the rest fall into perspective.

Your health. Not taking care of yourself and your health will not only limit the time you have to live your life but it will impact the quality of life you have, and your ability to enjoy it and those things you love. Ultimately, your heath, mental and otherwise, is most important thing in your life, and should be protected and nourished daily, making sure you are getting what you need to thrive, grow, and live the live you want to live. Make sure you are taking care of you, in every way that you need to to be your best, most effective, useful you.

Your self-love. Finding and owning your self and loving yourself is also one of the important things in life. Self love is a major part of our foundation as human beings. It grounds us. Gives us strength. Confidence. We make stronger, better choices, because we are doing what’s best of for us, not what’s expected, or what looks good from the outside, or what will impress others, we do what works for the lifestyle we want to live, and for the people we are and who we strive to be.

Your relationships. Life is about relationships, the connections and communication we have with others, whether it be friends, family, or co-workers, invest in the relationships in your life, or, find some worth investing in. Spending time with actual people, not the computer screen or phone, getting out and connecting, socializing, doing things that you love, sharing, is what makes our lives richer, and reminds us that we are not alone, it add to our foundation and fortifies us when life gets tough, relationships teach us who we are, who we want to be, and, take us to where we want to go. All important.

Living your purpose and dreams. When we’re taking care of our own needs, finding love in ourselves, and surrounding ourselves with supportive, like-minded people, we are on track to finding out who we are and what our purpose is in life. I know for myself, it was through my journey of self-love and healing that I became aware that my purpose was to be of service to others who may be struggling, I never would have figured that out had I not found my way through the first three things on this list. When we feel good, when we feel love, and when we give love, we become open to finding a meaning in who we are, in finding a purpose and how we can be most effective. We learn what values are most important to us and how we can apply those to our dreams, or find new ones. It’s important to dream, there is a reason we are drawn to certain people, places, and things, question that, pursue that, and use the knowledge you have gained about yourself and those around you to go after your dreams and make them a reality.

Having all of these in place, it’s time to take action, and to remember, what is really important in life, it’s not the stuff, it’s not the activities you feel you’re missing out on, it’s not something only having to be one specific way, it’s your health, self-love, relationships, and your purpose and dreams, everything else is gravy, so put the importance on life on the important things and with everything else, go with the flow and let things go, you’ll be happier when you do, and, you just might learn a thing or two about you.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you place importance on unimportant things? Do you think everything you want and need is important? Do you see that perhaps not everything on your list is important? List the important things on your list? List the things that may not be important but are nice to have or you like to have? Do you see the difference? It’s easy to get caught up in wanting and having things, but life is actually really simple SLAYER when you allow yourself to see it that way, and when you focus on the truly important things, you’ll probably find that many of those things you would like to have may just come your way as a result of you taking care of yourself and investing in your relationships and your hopes and dreams. SLAY on.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Which Wolf Are You Feeding?

I was recently with a group of friends and we were talking about the fight that many of us face each day, the internal struggle, the fight of good versus evil, one of them shared a story their Grandfather used to tell him as a child, an old Cherokee legend, it goes:

“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

It made me think, which wolf was I feeding each day? Typically I’m feeding the good wolf, but on days when nothing seems to go my way, when I have a “run of bad luck” or I can’t seem to get out of a bad mood that’s a sign that I’ve been feeding the bad wolf, that I’m not taking care of myself and falling into old behaviors, because no matter what’s going on the outside, how I react, how I feel on the inside is in my control, and if I am loving, caring, and nurturing to myself, the bad wolf doesn’t come out, the bad wolf doesn’t take control, the bad wolf goes away and is chased away by the good wolf.

We have a choice each day, to feed the good wolf or the bad, it truly is up to us, we sometimes like to say it’s not, blaming others and outside things for our bad mood or attitude, but the bad is going to happen regardless, it’s the ebb and flow of life, it’s the energy we put into ourselves that determines if we are going to succumb to it or rise above it, because even in a bad situation, the good wolf can turn things around into something good, or at least see some light in the darkness. Our thoughts can be our own worst enemy, they can lead us down the darkest path, and keep us there if we let them, that’s why it’s so important to stay in the light, to live in a place of gratitude, even on a bad day, to share with others, and to give back, when we do these things we stop listening to those voices in our heads, we stop thinking about ourselves and we start thinking about how we can be of service to others, and when we do, we step into the light. If we live our lives in the light we find others there, others who are also living in the light, or at least trying to, others who will love and support us as we navigate through the choppy waters of life, they’ll be there with a boat or a hand to help us to safety. But we have to do the work to stay in that place, it’s our choice and in our control in the end.

We get out of life what we put into it, and if we’re feeding the bad wolf bad is what we’ll keep getting, if we focus on feeding the good wolf, good will come, bad will also come, but, it will be a lot more manageable with the good wolf on our side, and there will be a whole group of others, feeding their good wolves, to surround us and help us through our dark day. SLAY on my wolverines!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you tend to feed the good wolf or the bad wolf? If you’re feeding the bad, why are you doing that? Do you see how it is your choice what you feed? Do you see that if you focus on the good that your life will get better? What holds you back from feeding the good? What are you afraid of? Challenge yourself SLAYER, to feed the good wolf this week, to focus on the good, and live in gratitude, no matter what comes your way, keep feeding the good wolf, and watch a pack surround you with love.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you