healing journey

People Can’t Always Be Who You Want Them To Be

We all want someone in our lives to just understand us—to show up when we need them, to read our silent pleas, to fill the gaps we feel inside. But here’s a hard truth: nobody is designed to be your everything.

When we expect someone to always be there, always know, always respond—without communication, without boundaries—we set both them and ourselves up for heartbreak.

We must learn the beauty and the burden of loving with grace and owning our own needs.

Prefer to listen? The Audio Blog version is available here.

Expectations vs. Reality

It’s natural to hope others will meet us where we are. We desire connection, validation, support. But expectations—especially unspoken ones—are traps.

When we expect another to always stay ready, even when they’re fighting their own war, we feel let down. When we expect consistent availability, we forget that everyone has their own life, struggles, and limitations.

And when reality falls short of those silent demands, we start to believe they don’t love us enough—when in truth, they might just be human like us.

Learning to Right-Size Our Expectations

The seeds of resentment often come from expecting others to be what we need without telling them. We assume they know. We assume they’ll show up.

But healthy relationships ask for clarity not mind-reading.

  • Let them know how you feel.
  • Ask for what you need.
  • Accept the answer, even if it doesn’t match what you hoped for.

This is how we protect ourselves from disappointment—not by becoming colder—but by learning truth, honest communication, and respect for boundaries.

When They Can’t Be Who You Want

Here’s what I discovered over time:

  • “Can’t” isn’t always about unwillingness—sometimes it’s about capacity.
  • Being unavailable doesn’t always mean they don’t care.
  • When someone can’t be who you want, sometimes they are doing the best they can within their own limits.

I used to take it personally when people couldn’t show up as I needed them to. I thought it meant something was wrong with me—or wrong with them. But I learned to see it differently: I learned to love them where they are, to protect my peace, and to find others with compatible strengths.

You, Not Others, Are Responsible for You

Expecting someone else to complete your emotional puzzle is heavy for both parties.

Your emotional survival is your job. You cannot force someone to be who they’re not. And when you try, you weaken your own foundation.

You deserve people who can be consistent. But until then, you can be your own constant. You can love others without relying on them. You can communicate your needs, accept imperfect love, and continue building your own inner strength.

Staying Open While Protecting Your Peace

How do you navigate this balance without becoming closed off or bitter?

  1. Stay open to love, even when disappointed.
  2. Keep your standards, but don’t demand perfection.
  3. Allow yourself to walk away when love becomes harmful.
  4. Find multiple sources of support, not just one person.
  5. Own your emotional state: don’t outsource it to others.

People Can’t Always Be Who You Want—but You Can Still Love Well

You don’t have to settle for being used, ignored, or repeatedly disappointed. You can adjust your expectations without shutting down your heart. You can ask for what you need, and learn to accept what people can give.

You don’t have to stop loving. You just have to love smarter.

SLAY Reflection

  1. What silent expectations are you placing on someone in your life?
  2. How often do you feel disappointed because someone couldn’t read your mind?
  3. What is a healthy boundary you can express to protect yourself and the relationship?
  4. Who in your life can you rely on without needing them to be everything to you?
  5. How can you practice self-reliance (emotionally) while still staying open?

S – Stop expecting people to read your heart
L – Let them care within their capacity
A – Ask for what you need—don’t demand it
Y – Yield your peace first before expecting someone else to

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
Have you ever been hurt by expecting too much from someone—and what did that teach you?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s value honesty over perfection.

And if you know someone who struggles with unmet expectations or carrying disappointment, send this to them.
Sometimes, love begins with understanding limitation.

Are You A Navel Gazer?

There’s a danger in looking inward too much—when your world becomes a mirror that shows only your problems, your pain, your fears. That’s what it means to be a navel gazer: constantly watching yourself, magnifying your flaws, and forgetting there’s a wider world that offers both perspective and relief.

But when we only gaze inward, we isolate ourselves from life, community, and meaning. We inflate our burdens and lose sight of the beauty around us. The antidote? Turn your gaze outward. Let your life breathe again in connection, contribution, and service.

Prefer to listen? The Audio Blog version is available here.

The Mirage of Self-Focus

When you’re stuck in your head, every error feels fatal. Every criticism feels crushing. Every setback feels permanent. You spin—overthinking, replaying, analyzing—until your problems look like monsters.

I’ve been there. Trying to figure everything out before I moved, second-guessing every emotion, judging myself for what I felt. The more I did that, the more stuck I became.

Here’s what I finally came to see: self-focus without action is just self-absorption. You can think harder, but unless your gaze shifts, nothing changes.

Looking In vs Looking Out

Looking inward has its place—it can deepen self-awareness, healing, and growth. But only when balanced with looking outward.

When we only look in, we:

  • Magnify small issues into crises

  • Drown in self-criticism

  • Lose touch with what really matters

  • Disconnect from community

When we turn outward, we:

  • Remember there are bigger stories than ours

  • Find wisdom in serving, contributing, listening

  • Lighten our own burdens by lifting others

  • Reconnect with purpose beyond ourselves

The world doesn’t need more perfect self-reflection—it needs your presence. Your light. Your gift.

From Inside Spirals to Outside Impact

The shift out of navel-gazing is not denial. It’s not pretending nothing hurts. It’s choosing when to look inward—and when to look outward.

Here’s what it looked like for me:

  • When pain surfaced, I wrote it out. Then I stepped outside my four walls and asked someone else how their day was.

  • When fear whispered, I visited someone I knew needed encouragement—and I encouraged them.

  • When shame rolled in, I shared a fragment of truth with a trusted friend—I turned inward language into outward connection.

I found that the more I did that, the less power my internal spirals had. The more I engaged in life, the smaller my worries seemed in comparison to what we could create together.

Step Outside Your Gaze

You don’t have to live life wrapped up in your own thoughts. Here are ways to shift your gaze outward, even when you feel pulled inward:

  1. Serve Someone Every Day
    Small acts—listening, encouraging, volunteering—remind you that your struggles are not the whole world.

  2. Ask Questions, Then Listen
    Ask someone else’s story, their fears, their joys. Let their story expand your soul.

  3. Join a Cause or Community
    Be part of something bigger than yourself. Let your life connect with people, not isolate.

  4. Practice Gratitude Scans
    Each day, list 3 things you see outside of you that bring joy—sunlight, a smile, a bird’s song.

  5. Pause the Mirror Time
    When your thoughts spiral inward, pause and redirect—with kindness—to what’s outside: a walk, a view, a voice, a touch.

What Happens When You Look Out

When you step out of the spiral of navel gazing, something beautiful begins:

  • Problems shrink. They don’t disappear, but they feel less overwhelming.

  • You find solutions in unexpected places—through others, through service, through connection.

  • You reclaim your place in life’s big story. You aren’t just a spectator—you’re a participant.

  • You step into joy less burdened by the weight of your internal drama.

You begin to see that your life isn’t about solving every internal fault—it’s about living, with heart, with impact, with connection.

SLAY Reflection

  1. How often do you find yourself trapped in your own thoughts or problems?

  2. What costs you when you stay inward too long—peace? energy? relationships?

  3. What is one small act you can do today to shift your gaze outward?

  4. Who in your circle might need your presence, support, or listening?

  5. How might your life change when you stop magnifying your worries and start magnifying your service?

S – Stop spiraling inward without purpose
L – Look outward and engage with the world around you
A – Act small, act kind, act beyond yourself
Y – Yield your focus to meaning beyond your mind

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
Have you ever caught yourself overthinking or turning inward too much—and what helped you shift your focus outward again?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who’s feeling stuck in their own head, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a reminder to lift our gaze and reconnect with the world around us.

Contrary Action

When I first began this path, I had to rewire the way I thought—completely.

My mind defaulted to negativity. It convinced me people were against me. It whispered that I’d never make it, that I didn’t belong, that failure was inevitable. And because I believed it, I acted on it. That belief nearly cost me everything.

So when I committed to healing—to getting better, to learning how to love myself and live differently—I had to learn something new: contrary action.

Prefer to listen? The Audio Blog version is available here.

What Is Contrary Action?

Quite simply, contrary action means doing the opposite of what you would normally do—especially if what you’ve always done hasn’t brought you peace, joy, or healing.

It’s breaking patterns.
It’s pausing before reacting.
It’s asking: What’s the loving, honest response here?

That pause is the magic.

At State of Slay™, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again—life is not a game show.
There is no prize for the fastest answer.
And most of the time, our fastest answer is coming from an old wound or old wiring.

A Different Way to Respond

In the beginning, I had to practice contrary action nearly every time I opened my mouth—or even thought about opening my mouth.
It didn’t come naturally. In fact, it felt strange.
Awkward. Uncomfortable. Like backing down.

But here’s what I learned:

  • I wasn’t backing down—I was growing up.
  • I wasn’t avoiding conflict—I was choosing peace.
  • I wasn’t shrinking—I was showing up for myself in a new, more aligned way.

Old me might’ve lied to get what I wanted, manipulated to stay in control, or started a fight just to feel something.
New me? Learned to take a breath. To tell the truth. To walk away if needed.
That shift changed everything.

Building a New Foundation

Practicing contrary action gave me something I hadn’t had in a long time: self-esteem.

Every time I did the right thing—even when it felt weird or hard—it built a new brick in the foundation I now stand on.
And once I started building that self-esteem, I didn’t want to do things that tore it down.

Was it always easy? No.
Did I mess up sometimes? Absolutely.
But the more I practiced contrary action, the more I started to trust myself—and life began to open up in ways I couldn’t have imagined.

10 Ways to Practice Contrary Action

Here are a few simple ways you can try it today:

  1. Give someone a compliment when you’re feeling jealous or insecure.
  2. Own your part instead of seeking revenge.
  3. Take a walk instead of reaching for something to numb the feeling.
  4. Breathe deeply instead of lashing out.
  5. Visualize the life you want instead of reliving your worst decisions.
  6. Remember a win when fear tells you to quit.
  7. Take time for yourself instead of saying there’s never enough time.
  8. Say no with love instead of saying yes out of guilt.
  9. Go to bed instead of scrolling endlessly.
  10. Speak about dreams instead of gossip.

Each time you choose contrary action, you’re choosing yourself.
You’re choosing growth.
You’re choosing a future that looks nothing like your past.

SLAY Reflection: Where Can You Shift?

  1. Do you tend to react quickly without thinking?
    What’s usually the result?
  2. Have old patterns led you into places you didn’t want to go?
    How did it feel?
  3. What could’ve gone differently if you had paused—or chosen contrary action?
  4. Where in your life could you try the opposite of what you’d normally do?
    How might that change things?
  5. Who can you talk to when you’re unsure how to respond?
    Could their insight offer a healthier way forward?

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
What’s one way you can practice contrary action this week—especially when your first instinct is to go back to old patterns?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who’s stuck in the same old loops, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a new way to move forward.

Willingness: The Key To Change

Before there’s change, before there’s healing, before there’s transformation—there’s willingness.

Not certainty. Not a roadmap. Not a plan. Just the smallest shift that says: maybe there’s another way. That shift is the spark that lights the path forward.

Prefer to listen? The Audio Blog version is available here.

The Power of Being Open

Willingness isn’t a commitment—it’s a crack in the door. A whisper of possibility. A softening where there once was resistance.

Change is hard. Growth can be uncomfortable. And yet, when we allow ourselves to be open—to just consider a new perspective—we invite in something powerful. We make space for clarity, connection, healing.

When I first stepped onto the path of recovery, I wasn’t ready to overhaul my life. I didn’t have all the answers. But I was willing. And that willingness brought people into my life I never expected. It helped me find tools I didn’t know I needed. And slowly, my world expanded. It got bigger, brighter, and full of light.

It wasn’t easy. In fact, it almost didn’t happen. I had reached a point so low, I could barely imagine a way forward. But in that moment, the tiniest willingness cracked through the darkness—and everything changed from there.

What Willingness Actually Looks Like

We often think willingness means taking big leaps. But really, it’s more like:

  • Saying, “Maybe I don’t have all the answers.”
  • Being open to new tools, even if they feel unfamiliar.
  • Letting someone help you—really help you.
  • Admitting something isn’t working the way you hoped.

Willingness makes life bigger. It breaks us out of the echo chambers in our heads and says, “What if there’s more?”

The Shift That Changes Everything

Willingness is not about setting an entire plan in motion. It’s about being open to the idea that something might be possible.

That maybe you don’t have to keep living under the weight of what’s not working. That maybe your life could feel lighter. That maybe there’s help—and healing—available to you.

When you’re willing, you become a magnet for the right people, places, and opportunities. You notice support instead of deflecting it. You welcome answers instead of defending limitations. You shift from surviving to slowly, gently, learning to thrive.

I Still Choose Willingness Every Day

Even now, years into this journey, willingness remains one of my most powerful tools. Every time I fall, every time I face something unfamiliar, I remind myself: I just have to be willing. Not perfect. Not fearless. Just willing.

Because willingness invites the Universe to show up. It creates space for grace. And that space? It’s often where the biggest breakthroughs begin.

So wherever you are today, ask yourself: Am I willing?

You don’t have to say yes to everything. You don’t have to commit to a massive shift. But if you can find even a flicker of willingness, that might just be enough to change everything.

SLAY Reflection

  1. What does willingness mean to you?
  2. Are there areas of your life where you’ve been closed off to change?
  3. What’s one thing you might be willing to consider today?
  4. How might your life shift if you simply stayed open?
  5. What scares you about being willing—and what excites you about it?

S-L-A-Y:

  • Start small—openness begins with a thought
  • Let go of the need to have all the answers
  • Allow yourself to explore, not commit
  • You are allowed to grow at your own pace

Call to Action: Join the Conversation
I’d love to hear from you.
What’s one area of your life you’re willing to shift?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who’s struggling to take the first step, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.

Sometimes You Just Need A Good Cry

We’re often taught to hold it together, to keep a straight face, to brush it off. For years, I believed that crying meant I was weak—that I wasn’t strong enough, brave enough, or resilient enough. So I did what many of us do: I stuffed it down. I distracted myself. I numbed out. I pretended I was fine.

Until I couldn’t anymore.

Eventually, the pain started leaking through the cracks. It came out in moments I couldn’t control—late at night, alone on the floor, sobbing into the silence. I was breaking down in private because I didn’t feel safe enough to break open in front of anyone else.

Permission to Feel

In my June SLAY TALK LIVE livestream, I shared how someone once gave me a gift I didn’t know I needed: permission to feel sad.

It was such a simple moment. I was fighting back tears in front of a friend, terrified they’d think less of me. I had built this perfectly polished image, and I wasn’t about to let a few tears ruin it.

But then, they looked at me and said gently, “It’s okay to cry.” And just like that, the dam broke.

What followed wasn’t pretty. It was messy. Emotional. Overwhelming. Years of grief, heartbreak, disappointment, and pain all rose to the surface. But instead of pushing it back down, I let it out—in front of someone else. I stopped hiding.

And the most surprising thing? It didn’t push them away. It brought us closer.

Crying Isn’t Weakness—It’s Release

No, I wasn’t crying on cue or sobbing through every meeting. But when I felt the tears come, I didn’t edit myself. I let them roll. And each time, I reminded myself: this is healthy, this is human.

It turns out, crying didn’t make me less lovable. It made me real. And it connected me to others who had felt the same pain—or were still working through it.

Unexpressed pain doesn’t just disappear. It stores itself in your body, in your mind, and in your relationships.

When we don’t let ourselves feel, we carry that weight in unhealthy ways. It shows up as anxiety, illness, irritability, or disconnection. There is no strength in pretending it’s not there. But there is deep, quiet power in releasing it.

Of course, timing matters. There are appropriate spaces to let it all out—and when the tears come unexpectedly, you can still honor them. I’ve excused myself from meetings, slipped into a restroom, cried it out, washed my face, and come back lighter. There’s nothing wrong with needing a moment.

Let Your Truth Show

The people who deserve a place in your life won’t shame you for being emotional. They’ll hold space. They’ll nod in understanding. They might even cry with you.

You don’t have to go through life with your emotions locked behind a wall. Vulnerability invites connection. And connection brings healing.

There’s always a reason we feel what we feel. Sometimes it’s grief. Sometimes it’s anger. Sometimes, it’s the echo of something unhealed. If we ignore it, we stay stuck. But if we honor it, we grow.

Tears can be a sign. That a person or situation isn’t right for you. Or that something buried deep inside is asking to be seen. Sometimes, it’s just that you’re finally safe enough to feel.

So let yourself feel. Get sloppy. Get snotty. Get real. Sometimes, a good cry is the most powerful thing you can do.

Let the healing begin.

SLAY Reflection

  1. Do you let people see your emotions? Why or why not?
  2. What’s your relationship with crying—do you see it as strength or weakness?
  3. When was the last time you gave yourself permission to cry?
  4. Is there something you’ve been holding in that needs to be released?
  5. Who in your life can hold space for your tears without judgment?

S – Sit with what’s rising instead of stuffing it down
L – Let the tears come, even if they feel uncomfortable
A – Accept that feeling doesn’t make you fragile—it makes you whole
Y – Yield to healing by letting yourself release what hurts

Call to Action: Join the Conversation

I’d love to hear from you.
What emotions have you been holding in that might be ready to be released?
Share your story in the comments. Let’s cheer each other on.

And if you know someone who’s afraid to cry, send this to them.
Sometimes, all we need is a nudge.

I’m Not Perfect, I’m Flawsome!

The photo that accompanies this post is one I never thought I’d share.

I’ve had it since 2003, and aside from the person who took it, I showed it to only one other person for years. Before I stepped onto this journey, there was no way I would have let anyone see it. In truth, it’s taken me more than a decade of healing to feel ready to share it at all.

That photo isn’t a picture of someone who had it together.
It isn’t the version of me I worked so hard to present to the world.

It’s a picture of a woman in pain.
In fear.
Holding on by a thread.

I look at her now and I recognize her immediately. She’s still inside me. But today, I feel compassion for her instead of shame. I understand what she was carrying. I understand why she was afraid. And I appreciate her—because she didn’t stay there.

She kept going.

And that’s what made her flawsome.

What Flawsome Really Means to Me

Flawsome isn’t pretending we don’t have flaws.
It’s not polishing them up or hiding them better.

Flawsome is learning to celebrate them.

It’s letting go of the impossible standard of perfection and choosing something real instead. Because perfection doesn’t exist—and chasing it only keeps us stuck in self-judgment.

Flawsome is turning the parts of yourself you once hated into sources of strength. It’s living authentically, loving yourself fully, and recognizing that who you are—right now—is already worthy.

Perfection isn’t attainable.
But flawsomeness is.

How I Learned to Become Flawsome

This didn’t happen overnight.

It came from learning who I actually am, not who I thought I needed to be. From loving myself unconditionally—even the parts I wanted to reject. From letting my freak flag fly instead of trying to tuck it away.

And yes, it came from forgiveness. Again.

Forgiving myself for the choices I made when I didn’t know better.
Forgiving myself for the years I spent believing I was unlovable.
Forgiving myself for thinking my flaws made me less-than.

Letting go of that judgment freed me in ways I never expected.

Loving Yourself Is the Work

I had to learn to look at myself with love—the same love I so easily offered to others.

To stop living in the past, replaying mistakes that couldn’t be undone.
To stop living in the future, chasing a version of myself I thought I had to become.

The only place healing actually happens is now.

I learned to focus on what I’m good at. To celebrate my strengths instead of obsessing over what I thought was broken. To build on my talents and share them with others.

One of the most powerful parts of being flawsome is letting other people see it. When we own who we are, we give others permission to do the same.

The Woman in That Photo Didn’t Stay There

There’s nothing flawsome about the woman in that photo—except this:

She didn’t give up.

With every bit of strength she had, she fought for herself. She started a journey toward healing and self-love. It wasn’t pretty. It wasn’t fast. And yes, she put herself through hell for years after that picture was taken.

But she got there.

And now, that woman is me—writing these words.

That’s flawsome.

If You’re Struggling Right Now

If you’re feeling lost, empty, beaten down, or hopeless—please hear this:

Today can be the first day of the rest of your life.

You don’t need to have it all figured out. You just need to decide that you’re worth fighting for. The journey won’t be easy, but I promise you—it’s worth every step.

And you don’t walk it alone.

You have all of us SLAYERS walking beside you.

So go out there today and be flawsome.

SLAY Reflection

Let’s reflect, SLAYER:

S: What parts of yourself have you labeled as flaws?
L: How have those “flaws” actually shaped your strength or resilience?
A: What would change if you looked at yourself with compassion instead of judgment?
Y: How can you begin turning what you’ve judged into something flawsome?

Make a commitment today to stop judging yourself. When something comes up that you usually criticize, pause. Smile. Ask yourself how you can respond with love instead.

You’re learning.
Be kind to yourself on the way to SLAYDOM.
And never forget—you are flawsome.