communication

Slay Say

Own Your Part Without Passing the Pain

True growth isn’t about being perfect—it’s about being accountable. It’s recognizing when you’ve hurt someone and taking ownership of it without turning the spotlight or the blame back on them.

Maturity is the ability to sit with discomfort long enough to say, “I was wrong,” without needing to defend, deflect, or explain it away.

This is your reminder that healing doesn’t come from shifting the blame—it comes from standing in your truth with grace.

Slay On!

Slay Talk Live Video

Hey SLAYERS! Missed us tonight for SLAY TALK LIVE, don’t worry, I’ve got you covered.

SLAY on!

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Sometimes the only way to protect your heart is to share it with others.

SLAY on!

State Of Slay Heart

A Voiceless Child

It’s important we always speak our truth. We can become consumed by fear and keep our truth bottled up inside. We may tell ourselves our truth doesn’t matter. Or, that people won’t understand, or care. But when we don’t express who we are or how we feel we tell ourselves that we don’t matter, that our voice doesn’t matter, that what we’re unworthy, and we sink down into our own darkness, sentencing ourselves to life as if we are a voiceless child without a way to communicate that we need help.

We are not voiceless children, we can get help, but that need for that help has to be bigger than our fear of reaching out for it. At least it had to for me. There were many times, many signs, that I needed help, but fear, shame and pride kept me from doing so. To take the onus off of myself I played the victim, that I wasn’t capable or worthy of getting the help I needed. My disease also told me that I deserved to suffer, deserved to be punished for who I was and what I had been doing to get by. I did feel like a voiceless child, sitting alone in the dark. But none of that was the truth. It was just the story I told myself, the story my disease told me, the story the bullshit committee in my head told me, and the narrative I adopted because it took all the blame off myself and allowed me to keep being sick.

My biggest obstacle was fear. Fear was the motivator for most of my decisions before stepping on this path. Fear was the engine that drove my disease, drove everything negative in my life, fear ran my life. Fear is one powerful enemy when we allow it to be. It keeps us from people who care about us. It keeps us from getting the help we need. It keeps us in the dark. And that darkness can consume us. It almost did me. And my fear was so cunning, it actually had me romanticize it and make it sound inviting. Ultimately it was also fear that got me to reach out. I got myself to a place that I knew was very dangerous, and I knew had one final end, and reaching a place where I no longer cared about myself, I got more frightened than I ever had before. That fear, that new sense of terror, was the push I needed to finally speak my truth. And once I did, that voiceless child started to find her voice.

Finding your voice can be scary, but once you start to exercise your right to be heard, it has an incredibly powerful result. We learn to share who we are, what we need and we are able to reach out for the help we need. We learn that once we overcome that fear, walk though it, we stand taller, we get stronger and our community gets bigger. When I found the courage to reach out and finally speak my truth it was like a damn burst inside of me. It felt so good to let out the secrets I had been carrying around.. To not care about being judged, because I knew my life depended on me letting everything out, I knew the only way I could find a solution to how I was feeling was to share it all, and once I did, I let the some light in, and that light felt good. My head still wanted me to believe it wasn’t going to help, and that people were going to think I was crazy, or, that I didn’t deserve the help, but that little bit of light that crept in when I finally spoke up, that light overpowered those negative thoughts, and I kept running toward that light until I felt I could just sit in it for a while and let it shine on me.

Today I live in the light. The darkness doesn’t feel like home anymore. Sometimes I might dip a toe back in the darkness, my head will get me to just check it out, but I get back out because the light is now home. You can find the light in your own life by speaking your truth, no matter what it is, find someone to tell it to, it’s within that moment that the light will come in, and that voiceless child within you will find their voice and fight for the most important person there is, you. SLAY on.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you identify with feeling like a voiceless child? How so? Why do you feel you have no voice? Have you allowed yourself to lose your voice? Have you told yourself that your voice doesn’t matter, or that it won’t be accepted? Has someone else told you that? Why do you believe them? I am here to tell you that your voice does matter, YOU matter, and when you speak your truth magical things start to happen, for you, and those around you. You may just learn how much alike you truly are with those around you, that that loneliness you feel can be quashed with your truth. It is our truth, our story, that connects us to those around us, we all have shared experiences and the only way to learn what they are is to share them with others. Find your voice, step out of the darkness and speak your truth.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! Good communication is the bridge between confusion and clarity.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Share 2

 

Communication Is The Key

Communication is something I had to learn on this path. It was not a skill I had growing up, I was too full of fear to speak up, to reach out, or to dare share my truth. There were so many times, looking back, when I was asked about my feelings, or what I thought, where I stood there, paralyzed, and couldn’t find the words to express how I felt. I would get embarrassed, but the words would just not come out. They would get all scrambled in my head, and just get stuck there. It was out of an act of desperation that I was able to communicate my need for help, and share with a trusted friend what was really going on in my life, and that I wanted it to stop. That same desperation was the catalyst for me learning how to communicate with others. I had kept my truth so bottled up for so long, that my life now depended on me speaking up.

Communication can be difficult. We may fear of being judged. We may not find the right words to rightly express how we’re feeling. Or we feel like we don’t want to be bother to someone by unleashing our problems on them. All of these self-made obstacles need to be overcome before we can cultivate healthy, long-lasting relationships, and truly find our way on our path.

For me the first obstacle was the fear. Fear that you all would judge me for not having it all together, for getting myself into the situation I had, fear I wouldn’t say the right things, just plain fear I couldn’t even identify. So, I surrounded myself with like-minded people. People who had been through what I was going through, or were going through it as well. That helped with the fear a bit. But it was by stepping out of my comfort zone to find others like me that I was able to get over the fear. I had to just jump in. It helped to have others around me who were sharing their truths with me and others, I saw that they weren’t being judged, in fact, the opposite was happening, they were being supported, encouraged and loved, so I stepped out of my comfort zone a little further and started to share, and, I received the same response. It became easier the more I did it, and now, I don’t even hesitate. The more we do something, the more it becomes our new normal, and, we start to make healthier and better choices for ourselves.

I learned that being honest was always the best route to go, now, I did have to learn how to fine tune that a little bit, learn to read the situation and the people involved, because just blurting out my truth could do more damage than not sharing it at all. I had to learn to be compassionate to those around me, to not withhold what I needed to say, or how I felt, but to make sure I wasn’t doing more damage by sharing my truth in maybe a blunt or sudden way. At the beginning, and sometimes I still do, I would think how I would want to be told the information I needed to share, to think about how that person might feel once I shared what I needed to. I had some misfires at the beginning, but that’s to be expected with anything new, it takes time to find the right tone, and to never let your needs rise above what someone else is able to listen to.

Communication really is the key to most of our problems. It’s about being honest, but also compassionate for others in our lives, about making sure you’re intentions are clear, your expectations are clear, and that your voice is heard, but, never the expense of anyone else. When we communicate we learn about others, we invite discussion, we are open to suggestions, to new solutions, and we are our authentic selves. Learning to communicate brings us closer to people, it strengthens our relationships and bonds, and, it strengthens our self-worth and self-respect. Communication is the clarifyer, it allows us to step out of who we once were and into the light of who we are meant to become. SLAY on!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you have trouble communicating with others? How so? Why do you think that is? What are some bad experiences you’ve had with communication? What are some good? Of those bad experiences, what could you have said or done in terms of your own communication that would have improved that situation? What stops you from doing that? I challenge you SLAYER, this week, to practice your communication skills. Look for opportunities to communicate better, clearer, and allowing more of you to come out and share with those around you. Find your voice, and share your true self, it’s within that practice that we begin to find our way on our own path to who we are meant to be.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Slay Say

Good morning SLAYER! When we work together, we can accomplish anything.

New blog goes up Tuesday, until then…SLAY on!

State Of Slay Strong

Nice Lady

There’s a supermarket I frequent in Los Angeles, I typically go in two to three times a week, and most times I walk in there is a security guard I say hello to as I pick up my basket. I always make sure to start my shopping with a hello to him and a smile, and as a result he has dubbed me “nice lady.” Now at some point I know I introduced myself to him but he has stuck with “nice lady” as my name when I walk in the store. It always makes smile. It makes me smile because before I stepped on this path he probably wouldn’t have called me that. Not that I would necessarily be mean to him, but I most likely would have walked right and never made eye contact with him, ignored him, lost in my own thoughts and pit of darkness. I walked around like that for a long time, more than half my life, and it makes me wonder about all the missed opportunities I had to connect with genuine, nice people, people I may have seen regularly, but I would not engage with. I’ve talked about this many times before, how a smile or a hello can possibly change someone’s day, how important kindness is, or just to acknowledge someone is there. We all want to feel like we matter, that we’re being seen and heard, that we are noticed, and it’s easy to forget that others do as well as we go about our busy days with our to-do lists and eyes glued to our phones.

I was out for lunch the other day and there was a sign at the counter that said “we will gladly help you once you finish your phone call.” It didn’t surprise me that this restaurant, a very busy LA lunch spot, felt the need to put up that sign, and it made me sad to think that the cashiers that work there had experienced so many people ignoring them while talking on their phone that they felt a sign was needed. I have to say, the day I was there, there wasn’t a single person in line talking on their phone. Perhaps, people got the hint, or perhaps it was just luck, but it takes very little effort to be kind, to look someone in the eye and say hello, maybe even throw in a smile, or a “how are you?” And I understand there are days when you just don’t feel like connecting with anyone, or reaching out, especially to someone you don’t know, but I can tell you, that’s exactly when you should be reaching out, because that act will get you out of your own head, and your funk, really quickly. When we do something nice for someone else, and stop thinking about ourselves, we get out of our own way, we shift the focus away from us and engage with those around us, and even when we may be reluctant to do so, we still receive the gift of the relief of self, and, you never know, you just might find yourself in an unexpected conversation with a stranger who makes you smile in return.

I didn’t write this blog today to toot my own horn, I wrote it because it’s a reminder to myself how far I’ve come, how far we can all go when we focus our attention out and pay attention to those around us, when we let your true light shine, even when it feels dim, and we share that with someone else. I now look forward to those random or chance encounters, and I look for opportunities to make someone smile, especially when I may be in environment that is busy, or stressful, or there is someone else being unpleasant, I love that challenge, and most of the time I can turn it around, which in turn, makes me smile. It reminds me of Dean Martin singing “When You’re Smiling,” the lyrics, “When you’re smilin’, when you’re smilin,’ the whole world smiles with you, when you’re laughin’, oh when you’re laughin’the sun comes shinin’ through.” Now the whole world doesn’t always smile back at us when we smile, but a lot of it will, and isn’t it better to leave a situation better than how you found it,  rather than to be the cause of the problem? Keep smiling SLAYER!

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you make a conscious effort to make contact with people when you are out in your day-to-day life? If yes, why? If not, why not? If you don’t, what do you think will happen if you start? How will this hurt you? How might this help you? How does it make you feel when someone smiles and acknowledges you? Do you see how reaching out to others during the course of your day can help you when you are having a day where you are struggling? I challenge you SLAYER to reach out, especially on days when you don’t feel like it, or you’re in your own head, smile, say hello, ask someone about their day, I guarantee you, you will feel better, and you never know, you may just turn someone else’s day around too. SLAY on!

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Honestly Honest

We’ve all heard the saying “honesty is the best policy,” and it is, so why are so many of us afraid of being honest? We may be afraid of being judged, afraid of upsetting the other person, afraid of being seen as different, or just afraid to speak our minds. But when we don’t speak up we typically don’t forget what we didn’t say, it stays with us, playing again and again in our heads like a song on repeat and we beat ourselves up for not speaking our truth. Now, speaking our truth can be tricky, sometimes our truth, or honest opinion, may not be the popular opinion, or what everyone wants to hear, but if we don’t speak up many times it turns into a resentment, either towards the person or people we didn’t speak up to, or ourselves for keeping our mouth shut when we should have spoken up. Being afraid is never a reason not to do anything. So how do we learn to walk through that fear and share our true thoughts with those around us?

1) Stay Calm And Take A Moment. Again, life is not a game show there are no points for speaking up first and having the fastest response. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, take a moment, breathe, even step away for a second to collect your thoughts. It’s OK to say you need a moment, you don’t have to come up with something right away. Sometimes taking a step back is just what you need gather your thoughts in a concise and clear way so you can share them in a way that will be easily understood. If it’s something you’re very emotional about, definitely give yourself some time, letting your emotions take over will not help you convey what you’re wanting to say in a way that will open the door to a healthy and calm discussion.

2) Be Confident. Everyone is entitled to an opinion, and yours is just as important as anyone else’s, so don’t be afraid to speak your mind. Speaking up also opens the door to a conversation or discussion, something that is always useful and understanding and getting to know those around you, and, also yourself. If you feel strongly about something, speak up, share it, and also be open to listen to other people’s points of view. Again, as always, we all have our own perspectives and even though you’re feeling very strongly about yours, there are always different sides to each story or situation, so don’t be afraid to share yours, but allow others to share theirs as well.

3) Overcome Your Fear. You may be fearful of being made fun of, or being listed as difficult, or different, but don’t put so much weight into what other people think, what’s important is what you think and that you’re expressing that. Now, we as SLAYERS don’t set out to say things we know will purposely hurt or anger someone else, we share our thoughts in a thoughtful and mindful way, but we don’t amend our thoughts to appease someone else. People typically will appreciate your honesty with them, even if it differs from their own opinion, they’ll usually respect that you shared your thoughts with them. If they don’t, then that tells you something about who they are and your relationship with them, that’s a red flag and not a good sign of a healthy relationship.

4) Use Your Problem Solving Skills. If there is a differing of opinion, this is an opportunity to work on your problem solving skills. To see if you can find a middle ground or resolution to our differing of opinions. Keeping an open mind and letting others talk are two to elements to this, and you may find that after hearing what they have to say, you may alter your own opinion, or maybe not, but just going into a discussion with the mindset that you are open to new ideas, while sharing your own, can bring an amicable sense of energy to a discussion which opens the door to having a good outcome.

Always be confident in who you are and what you have to offer. Your opinion is unique to you, and your thoughts are valid. If someone has wronged you, has asked for your opinion, or you’re working together on project, speak your mind, collaborate, and be open to other perspectives, you just maybe surprised how easy speaking up can be, and how when you do you gain more confidence, self-esteem, and a stronger sense of self.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Do you speak your mind when you have an opinion? If not, why not? Do you have fear around being honest with people? Why do you think you do? Are the reasons you have fear around speaking your mind valid fears based in facts? Or are they old narratives from your past that are no longer your truth today? If they are your truth today, what does this tell you about the people you have chosen to surround yourself with? Are there better choices you can be making with the people you have in your life? I challenge you SLAYER to speak your mind this week, to share your opinion, or speak up if you feel you have something to say, the more you do it, the easier it becomes, and, if you take a misstep, that’s a part of the process, that is how we learn, but if we are open an honest we are not hiding our true selves and walking around with unsaid ideas and opinions that are taking up valuable space in our minds, let them out and show your real you. SLAY on.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you

Healthy Conflict

You read that right. Healthy conflict. Typically we think of conflict as a negative thing, one stemming from anger, or a differing of opinion, but it’s all in how you look at it, conflict can be something positive, if you choose to look at that way.

Conflict is an opportunity to question our perspective, thoughts, or beliefs. It can open our eyes to an alternate view, or a new angle we haven’t been exposed to before, if, we walk through life with an open mind. I’ve talked about this before, I used to walk through life letting my ego run the show, I always thought I was right, even when I didn’t have the answers, I thought I knew better than you did, and I would argue my point until exhaustion, the thought of having healthy conflict never entered my mind, it was me against you, period. But now I see things differently, and no, that doesn’t mean I cave to what the other person’s point of view is, but I allow them to talk, and I allow myself to listen. Some of us too, avoid conflict at all costs, running from it, either bowing to the other person’s opinion to concede or just avoiding them all together, but here are some benefits to healthy conflict, see if you can change your mind and pick up some pointers on how to enter into conflict in a way that is more beneficial to you, and the people in your life.

1) Widens Our Perspective. Conflict can be extremely beneficial, it can widen our perspective and also challenge our own ideas and thoughts we may have carried with us from childhood, believing that there is only the one tried and true way, conflict may show us that there might be a better way, or that there might be another way at all. It also is a way that can produce solutions, if both parties are open to it, it may show different points of view and from there a resolution can be worked on, or an agreement to disagree, but the act of being open, of listening, and of at least trying to work out a solution strengthens relationships or forms new ones, as each of you learn more about the other.

2) Opportunity To Express Needs. Healthy conflict gives us the opportunity to vocalize our needs, and as I’ve talked about before, opens the door for us to ask for what we want. If our needs aren’t being met, here’s our chance to let them be known, allowing for the opportunity to then have a discussion about them. Speaking up for what we want, or believe in, allows for us to conquer our fear of getting our needs met, and sharpens our communication skills.

3) We Learn To Bend. I’ve also talked about this one before, if we don’t bend, we break. Conflict teaches us how to be flexible in relationships and in the workplace. We can’t always get our way, and, we shouldn’t, conflict helps us practice our flexibility and instills a sense of fairness into the relationships we have.

4) Helps Us To Listen. Engaging in healthy conflict teaches us how to listen. To engage in healthy conflict we need to listen to the other party, it’s not all about us, so we have the opportunity to listen to the wants and needs of others, in an active way, taking in what the other person is saying without interrupting and waiting for them to finish before we start our new thought. Again, an incredible skill to deepen any relationship.

5) Recognizing Patterns. If we engage in healthy conflict, and we are truly listening, we are better able to pick out patterns, not only in our own behavior, but in the behavior of those we engage with, which allows us to better understand ourselves and those around us. It also gives us signs of what to expect when we continue to interact with these people, and how we may react to them.

6) Brings Us Into Solution. Working these principles into healthy conflict allows us to find solutions in our daily life, and brings our thinking into solution based thinking, instead of adding to or creating problems. Change can be difficult, but if we’re willing and open to it, it can bring great resolution, and maybe even reinvention and evolution.

7) Fine Tunes Communication. Conflict allows us to fine tune our communication skills. Giving us an opportunity to state of intentions and expectations clearly and concisely without getting angry, speaking from ego, or bulldozing over the other person. Communication is truly the key to a healthy and happy life, and healthy conflict is a great way to practice it.

8) Boundary Setting. Another topic I’ve talked about before. When we engage with others we may need to set boundaries, this type of healthy conflict allows us the chance to set boundaries if we feel we need to for us to continue on in a healthy way for ourselves. Setting boundaries also lets the other people in our life in on who we are and what we’re looking for, as it does for them, we learn more about each other, and have more respect for each other when we are able to set healthy boundaries.

9) Emotional Control. Healthy conflict also is a way to practice controlling our emotions, of not letting our emotions control us. It is a great way to practice self-control and letting emotions from our past experiences or bottled up anger get thrown into a conversations it doesn’t belong, it’s about taking a breath, listening, staying in the moment, and being open to new ideas, and not letting ourselves get carried away and out of control. If we can stay in control it leads to a faster resolution, and if the other person is getting a better understanding of who we are and what our intentions are. Also, if we are able to remain calm it sends the message that we are open to resolve the issue, making people more willing to work with us and feeling like we are working together as more of a team, instead of one against the other.

10) Allows Us To Shine As Individuals. Engaging in healthy conflict sets us apart, it shows people who we really are, what we stand for, what we’re looking for, and how we’re willing to resolve an issue. It allows us to shine, and to be an example to those who may still be struggling to resolve issues in a healthy way. It allows us adjust, and allows others to adjust, as a solution is found, and it leads to far less frustration, anger, and separation with the people in our lives.

In the end it’s up to us to practice these principles, and to be open to new ideas and change, and I promise you if you do, you’ll walk away a stronger and more knowledgeable person and one with far less frustration in your lives. SLAY on.

SLAY OF THE DAY: Are you open to healthy conflict in your life? Is the conflict that you’ve experienced so far been healthy? Why hasn’t it been? What part have you taken in the unhealthy conflict? What can you do to engage in healthier conflict? Looking back at some instances that weren’t healthy, write down what they were and, using the principles above, write out some scenarios that could have made those instances healthier for you, and as a result, how the resolution could have been healthier. It’s about practicing these principles in your life SLAYER, and it takes time, but each time you practice them you’ll get better, and when you do, you see and feel the difference between unhealthy conflict and the kind that opens the door to a possible new perspective, and a solution.

S – self L – love A – appreciate Y – you